Seasons

Summary: How do you measure, measure a year? Four conversations in the Enchanted Forest. Post 3x11. Spoilers for Season 3B.

A/N: This short story has been lingering on the edges of my mind for a while. There were so many emotions and possibilities stirred up by 'Going Home' and I wanted to explore some of the ones which are the most interesting to me. While this will contain spoilers, it's more about an exploration of certain character dynamics and emotions than plot, so it shouldn't be too bad. This story also marks the first time I'm having a go at writing Regina and later on Hook, so I'd appreciate any and all feedback J

The title and summary are taken from the song 'Seasons of Love' from the musical Rent. It's one of my favourites, so I'd definitely recommend youtubing it if you've never heard it before.

Disclaimer: OUAT and all of its characters belong to ABC…all I own is a mind slowly being taken over by fictional characters…help!

Winter

After turning for the hundredth time, Snow had to admit defeat. There would be no sleep for her tonight. Charming was on watch, patrolling around the edge of the field the returned inhabitants of the Enchanted Forest temporarily called home. It had been hard enough to find sleep the first few nights even with her husband's warm presence wrapped around her like a shield…without him, it was nigh impossible. Sitting up with a small huff, she lightly stretched out her tired and aching muscles. Her body wasn't yet re-adjusted to the physical labour required when one was camping in the forest, too used to all the amenities Storybrooke had afforded.

Allowing her eyes to wander, she could just make out the many small fires dotting the landscape, each offering warmth to another group of shell-shocked people. There hadn't been much time to warn everybody of what was coming and most had found themselves standing in their former land without warning. Even now, a few days after the fact, the reality of their situation had still not completely set in.

As her eyes came to rest on the closest fire, she could make out a shadowed figure slumped before its warmth.

Regina.

Even in the relative darkness, Snow could make out the defeated edge to her posture. It was a projection of weakness Regina would never show during the daytime or indeed even the nighttime if she knew she was being observed. Debating internally for a moment, Snow rose and stealthily made her way around sleeping dwarves, careful not to accidentally step on anyone. She quietly took a seat on the log next to Regina, pulling her cloak tight around her form. The woman in question started slightly at the intrusion, her whole body snapping taut with authority until she realized it was Snow beside her. The small relaxation of her body at this realization spoke volumes as to her current state of mind. Snow couldn't imagine her presence would've provoked that reaction even a few weeks ago.

"Couldn't sleep?"

Snow deliberately kept her eyes forward as she voiced the question, the dancing flames throwing flickering shadows against the cold ground. For a moment, she thought Regina was going to ignore her before a slightly croaky answer came from beside her.

"I would've thought that was obvious."

Snow let the snarkiness in the reply go by unremarked, choosing instead to address the timbre of Regina's voice…the kind that could only come from…

"You've been crying."

"That's none of your business," Regina snapped, but it was more half-hearted than anything. Everything she had done in the last few days had come across as half-hearted and Snow only needed one guess as to the reason why.

"You miss Henry."

"And you miss Emma," Regina threw back before they both lapsed into silence.

For the first time in a long time the two of them had something in common…they both missed their children with a fierceness which couldn't be measured by mortal means.

"How did you do it?"

Regina's question was whispered, her voice softer than Snow had heard since she was a child.

"Do what?"

"Give up your daughter and not…not go insane at the thought."

"You didn't give me much choice."

Regina flinched slightly but Snow hadn't meant the words to hurt…they were just a statement of truth.

"I only truly had a few hours to comprehend that I had to give her up. Until I went into labour early, I thought it was my husband I would have to leave behind. Even so, those few hours…the agony of not knowing I would ever see her again was worse than childbirth."

Snow's voice dropped slightly as she relived the memory. The franticness, the anguish. The calm goodbye she'd given her daughter days before was completely different…but the pain was the same.

"And this time, I tell myself that she is a strong, brave, smart woman. That she will not only survive but thrive…I will stay strong in her memory, even as my heart breaks from losing her once more."

That belief was one she clung to, repeated to herself as a mantra, a shield against the hurt.

"I miss him," Regina admitted lowly, "I didn't think…we've been separated before but this is different. This was by my own hand, my fault. Everything I touch…I destroy everything I touch. Henry is the most innocent of us all, and I've disrupted his life so many times because I wanted to keep him to myself…because he was the only part of me who was truly good. Without him? Without him I am nothing more than the Evil Queen."

"If you think that, you're dishonouring his memory," Snow uttered sharply, "He always thought you were more, that you could be more. This is your chance to prove him right…to live in a way he'd be proud of."

For the first time, Regina looked across at Snow.

"Do you really believe any of the people here will grant me that chance…again?"

She gestured her hand dismissively but there was a longing in her voice which could not be disguised by her apparent indifference.

"I think giving up Henry to save their lives will help them make that decision."

"Even you?"

"Yes."

There was no hesitation in Snow's voice.

"Even after I've tried so many times to destroy your life, even after you've given me chances before?"

It was the closest to an admission of guilt Regina had ever uttered…but Snow found no pleasure in it. Perhaps at another time she would push, would strive to garner the apology for the suffering she'd been subjected to as a result of a childhood mistake, but it wouldn't be now. Not mere days after they'd both lost their children. She knew the agony of separation and even in her darkest hours, would never have wished it upon Regina. Instead, she laid a hesitant hand on Regina's shoulder, fingers curving reassuringly around the thick bulk of her cape.

"Yes. Because you gave my daughter a gift I could not. A chance to do over the one thing she regrets most…giving Henry away. And with that, with those memories, I know she'll be happy…that she'll be loved."

"I didn't do it for your admiration, or for Emma," Regina replied, her eyes once again stubbornly focused forward onto the fire.

"You did it for Henry, I know. But the reason behind it doesn't diminish its significance to me."

Silence fell between them for a few minutes, the only sound provided by the crackling fire and restless movements of the surrounding sleeping people. This was the most civil conversation between them Snow could remember. It reminded her of the woman she had first known…the one she strained to see behind the snarling mask of anger and revenge Regina clung to without fail. She had hoped so many times to see that woman again but it was with her actions at the town line that she'd finally seen that Regina shine briefly through. Perhaps having to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of others, for the sake of the son she'd held onto with an unhealthy ferocity, would be the catalyst for her to truly change.

For now though?

For now, Snow was content to sit by Regina's side, both of them lost in the memories of the children they had no choice but to send away.