A Reckless Honeymoon
by MKT
Scene at the Quartermaine's. The doorbell rings. Monica and Ned go to answer the door.
Monica (to Ned, a little behind her): They're here.
Monica opens the door to Alexis, holding Kristina and a diaper bag and Ric with a bigger pink girly suitcase, and a tote bag full of toys.
Monica: Hi, hi, come in. (Alexis, Ric & Kristina all come in and exchange pleasantries with Monica and Ned). We are so glad you're letting us take care of Kristina for you while you two go on your honeymoon.
Alexis (handing Kristina to Ned): Here honey, go to Daddy (Ric notices the "Daddy" reference and is not too happy). Thank you so much for doing this.
Ric (kind of lost in the background, still unhappy about the daddy thing): Yes, thank you. We really need to…uh…get away.
Monica: Well, yes, you do after everything that's happened with Kristina and the custody case. That's no way to start off a marriage. A bed and breakfast in Vermont sounds wonderful. I'm glad everything's worked out, and that (turns to Kristina) this precious little girl is healthy and back home with her mommy.
Alexis: Thank you Monica. Here are her things.
Alexis gives Monica various instructions. Meanwhile, Ned gives Kristina to Monica and takes Ric aside.
Ned (half-joking, half-serious): Look, Alexis and Kristina mean the world to me. I don't know what Alexis sees in you, but she is generally a good judge of character and I'll just have to take her word for it. But listen to me: if you do anything to ever cause Alexis any unhappiness, I will kick your ass.
Ric (not sure if Ned is joking or not): I promise you, I would never hurt either one of them.
Ned: Good (goes to shake Ric's hand). Congratulations, and good luck (nods his head in Alexis's direction). You'll need it with her.
Ric (laughs): Yeah, right, exactly, thanks.
Alexis: (goes up to Kristina) Now, you be a good girl for Daddy and Aunt Monica (Ric winces at the Daddy mention), and Mommy and Uncle Ric will be back in a few days. (Gives her a hug.) Oh, we're going to miss you.
Ric (reaches over to stroke Kristina's cheek): Bye, bye, you be a good girl.
Alexis and Ric leave. Commercial break.
New scene: Alexis and Ric coming into the beautiful room at the bed and breakfast. Alexis walks over to a side table with brochures while Ric puts the suitcases down.
Alexis (looking around the room): Wow, beautiful.
Ric (looking at Alexis): Sure is.
Alexis (picking up a brochure, kind of nervous) Oh look, brochures. Hmmm, there are quite a few antique stores in the village, plus some boutiques…
While Alexis is talking Ric has come over and started running his hands up and down her arms and is starting to kiss her neck. He slowly turns her around to face him, takes the brochures out of her hands.
Ric: Unless there is a brochure there about making love to your wife (he tosses the brochures over his shoulder) I don't care. (They kiss and fall on the bed)
(commercial break)
Back to Alexis and Ric rolling on the bed, Ric trying to take some clothes off.
Alexis: Wait.
Ric: What?
Alexis: I…uh...need to get freshened up. It was a long drive here. (Pause) Plus, I bought a little something for the occasion.
Ric: Sure, fine. (points across room) Look, champagne. I'll go open the bottle, you…get ready.
Alexis grabs her overnight bag and goes off into the bathroom. Ric goes to open the champagne, looks over at the direction Alexis went, gives a big smile.
(end scene/commercial break)
Back to scene in hotel room. Ric is wearing just a dark blue terry cloth robe and is pouring champagne. Alexis appears in the doorway.
Alexis (wearing long lacy satiny black nightgown and robe): Ric?
Ric (looks up, big smile): Wow! (Brings her some champagne. They take a sip. They kiss, more and more. They put the glasses down. They kiss some more and Alexis unties Ric's robe and pushes it off his shoulders. It falls at his feet. Alexis gasps.)
Ric (a bit shocked at her reaction): What?
Alexis: You're naked.
Ric (laughing): Well, yeah, that's the idea. Boy, it sure has been a long time for you, hasn't it?
Alexis (stammering): I just thought…I was expecting…I thought you'd have on boxers or something.
Ric: Well, here (starts to take off her robe), I think you need to reciprocate.
They start kissing, robe puddles at her feet. Dissolve to her robe/nightgown in a puddle on the floor next to the bed; pan up to the bed. Usual montage/music. Then the two exchange "I love yous," more montage, and fade to black/commercial.
Scene – next morning. Ric is in the hotel room, again just in the robe. Alexis comes out of bathroom with damp hair and robe. Ric goes over to kiss her when there's a knock on the door. Alexis looks a little surprised.
Ric: I took the liberty of ordering us breakfast while you were in the shower. (Ric goes to open the door and tells the delivery guy to come on in.)
Ric (to Alexis): Here, (pulls out chair) you sit here. (The guy rolls the food cart up to the table. Ric continues to stand behind Alexis.)
Food guy (taking off the silver cover over a plate): Here we have an eggwhite omelet, fruit cup and turkey bacon.
Ric: That would be for the lady.
Guy puts plate in front of Alexis.
Food guy (taking off other silver cover): And here we have a stack of pancakes, butter and syrup and link sausage.
Ric: Ahhhh, that would be mine.
Food guy: And here is a pot of decaf coffee…
Ric: Hers…
Food guy: And regular?
Ric: Mine.
Food guy: Anything else, Mr. and Mrs. Lansing?
Ric (ushering the guy out): No, no. Everything's fine. Thanks a lot.
Food guy: Well, enjoy your breakfast and give the front desk a call when you're finished so we can pick up the dishes--
Ric: Yeah, thanks, bye. (Shuts door. Ric goes to sit down. Makes a big flourish of opening his napkin). Sure looks good. I really worked up quite an appetite. How 'bout you?
Alexis: How can you eat that stuff?
Ric (gesturing with fork): I could say the same for you.
Alexis: It'll just sit there in your stomach and clog your arteries.
Ric: Oh, but it tastes so good (takes a big bite of pancake).
Alexis and Ric trade childish faces. Small pause.
Alexis: I know you're dying to ask me.
Ric: Ask you what? (Continues eating.)
Alexis: You know.
Ric: Okay, I see. We're going to play that game. What, Alexis? What am I dying to ask you?
Alexis: How you compare to Sonny.
Ric: (stops in mid forkful. Puts fork down kind of forcefully, somewhat annoyed) Oh, I know.
Alexis (puzzled): You do?
Ric: Yes. I know that I cannot possibly compare to my brother.
(Hold on reactions from both – commercial break)
Breakfast scene continues.
Alexis: So, you don't think that you can compare to Sonny?
Ric: No. (continues eating) See, you and Sonny, it was a spontaneous thing, fraught with danger. There was lust, passion, excitement. A kind of 'forbidden fruit' thing going there. But -- save for conceiving Kristina -- it was basically meaningless, you know, just physical…just sex. (swallows his pancake, sips some juice. Alexis just looking at him waiting for more.) With me, it was different.
Alexis: How so?
Ric: Well, for one thing, with me, there is mutual love and respect. There's tenderness and caring, and, yes, lust and passion. We had yearning and desire after months of bobbing and weaving and skirting around the issue of our feelings for one another. And we gave into those feelings last night, whole-heartedly. The difference between me and Sonny – I am in love with you, and last night you made love with your husband whom you love and adore. That's the difference. That's why I can't compare with Sonny. What you experienced with me was far better than anything you could ever have had with him. (In Ric's cocky style – gesturing with fork again) And that, Counselor, is the irrefutable evidence that last night was the singularly most amazing and most spectacular sexual experience you have ever had.
Ric takes another bite of pancake while Alexis just sits dumbfounded.
(Cut to commercial break.)
Alexis: So you're the best I ever had.
Ric (goading her a little): Yeah, come on admit it.
Alexis (slight pause) Yeah, okay, you're right…
Ric (mock surprise): I'm right?
Alexis: Yes, you are exactly right. That was 'the singularly most amazing and most spectacular sexual experience' I have ever had. (Beat) Too bad it'll be the last time.
(Cut to and hold on stunned look on Ric's face – end of scene)
(Continue scene)
Ric: What? What do you mean the last time? That's it? We get married, you get your daughter back, you have the best sex of your life, and now you're calling it quits?
Alexis: No, no, no. I still love you and I still want to be married to you. We just can't have sex ever again.
Ric: What? Why not?
Alexis: Well, you, yourself, said it was the greatest sexual experience of my life. How can you top that? How can you top yourself? You can't. So, we just won't do it anymore (takes a bite of her omelet).
Ric (who up until now was annoyed, now breaks into a big smile): Oh, I can't top myself, can I? (Gets up from his side of the table, pulls Alexis out of her chair, starts to kiss her, she kisses back, she goes to toss off his robe again and it falls to the floor again).
Alexis (between kisses): Oh god.
Ric (exasperated as usual): What now?
Alexis: I can't believe you were eating breakfast naked. We have got to buy you some boxers.
They both laugh and fall and roll around on the bed.
-end of scene/break-
Scene in the hotel room later in the day.
Alexis comes out of bathroom fully dressed in cream colored chunky knit turtleneck and camel pants. Ric is sitting in wing chair by the window in the blue robe leafing through an antique book.
Alexis (putting on an earring): What? You're not even dressed yet? I wanted to get into town before all the shops close.
Ric: Look, Alexis, no man -- in the history of this earth -- has ever gone (winces, like he can hardly stand to say the word) 'antiquing' on his honeymoon, and I certainly am not going to be the first.
Alexis: Well, there are plenty of other places: cafes, art galleries (picks up a brochure). Look, here's a little children's specialty store. We could pick up a present for Kristina.
Ric (closing the book and getting out of the chair, resigned to getting dressed to go into town): Well, it's not every kid who gets a souvenir from mommy and daddy's honeymoon.
Alexis suddenly has a pained expression on her face and abruptly sits down in the adjacent wingchair.
Alexis: Oh my god…
Ric: What? Oh no, not again…
Alexis: I have just made a huge mistake…
(Hold on reactions to commercial break)
Come back to scene with Alexis with head in hands, Ric, in robe, kneeling next to her.
Alexis: I can't believe I have made such a huge mistake…
Ric: It's okay. Breathe. (Exasperated) Are we going to go through this every fifteen minutes?
Alexis: How am I going to undo this?
Ric: Look, once again, let me explain: I love you, you love me, we both love Kristina. Our marriage is not a huge mistake…
Alexis: Our marriage? No, no, that's not what I'm talking about.
Ric: Okay then, fine. What are you talking about? (Then, kind of to himself) How come I never have any idea what she's talking about.
Alexis (pointing to herself): Mommy.
Ric (puzzled, slowly): Yes?
Alexis (pointing to Ric): Daddy.
Ric (more puzzled and slowly): Okay. (Now faster) And that's a chair and that's a bed, and this is a quaint country inn. Now that we've got that cleared up…(it, of course, is not clear).
Alexis: No, you don't understand…
Ric: Well that's for sure…
Alexis: If I'm Mommy…
Ric: Yes? What? What?
Alexis: Then you're not Uncle Ric…
Ric: I'm not? I'm Sonny's brother, he's Kristina's father, that makes me her uncle…
Alexis: No, no (Ric stops talking) If I'm Mommy, then YOU are Daddy.
Ric: (pleasantly surprised): I'm Daddy? (Likes the sound of that) Yeah, I'm Daddy…
Alexis: Not Ned…
Ric (confused again): Ned?
Alexis: Yes, Ned. When we dropped Kristina off at the Quartermaine's, I told Kristina to be good for "Daddy," meaning Ned…
Ric (crestfallen): Yeah, I noticed that…
Alexis: So, all weekend she's been calling him Daddy. But, really, YOU should be the one she calls Daddy. You're the one married to Mommy. You're the one who'll be tucking her in at night, and the one who'll be making her cereal in the morning, kissing boo boos, reading books…
Ric (touches her tenderly): Thank you, Alexis. I would be honored to have Kristina call me Daddy. (Pause) Yeah, Daddy…Dad. I'm a Dad. (Ric's thrilled with the idea).
Alexis: But what should she call Ned? She can't have two Daddy's…
Ric: Well, three. There's Sonny, you know…
Alexis: Oh, god, Sonny. I forgot about him…
Ric: Kinda hard to forget…
Alexis: And Jax!
Ric: Jax?
Alexis: Yes, Jax. What is she supposed to call him?
Ric: Well, hell if she's going to call him Daddy, too…
Alexis (jumping up from her chair and pacing back and forth in her rambling style): Here Kristina, say hello to your Uncle Jax, although he's not really your uncle, he's mommy's first husband. But, you know, it wasn't a real marriage, but he is still a good friend…
(Ric gives up and goes to sit in the other wing chair to listen to her rant…)
Alexis: Then there's Ned. He would have been mommy's second husband had mommy not panicked halfway down the aisle. He's the one everyone thought was your father and whom you called Daddy, until everyone found out he wasn't really your father, that I just made that up to protect you from your real father. So now forget that Ned is Daddy, now he's Uncle Ned, even though he isn't really your uncle…
(Ric rolls his head and shoulders around, looks back at the book he was leafing through before. Alexis glares at him.)
Ric: Oh, don't stop. I want to see where this is going…
Alexis: Well, then there is your Uncle Ric, who is your real uncle, but now that he's married to Mommy, you're going to call him Daddy, because Mommy really loves him. Not that Mommy doesn't love Jax and Ned, but it's a different kind of love. (Pause) Then there's Sonny…
Ric: Oh yeah. Sonny…
Alexis: Yes, Sonny is your real father that I didn't tell you about. Now, he's probably going to want you to call him Daddy, but Uncle Ric is now Daddy, Daddy is now Uncle Ned, and since Sonny is Daddy's brother, your father is now your uncle…
Ric (has had enough): Okay, okay, just hold it! (Ric jumps out of the chair. Makes T shape with his hands.) Time out! Time out!
Alexis: What? A few weeks ago Kristina didn't really have any father, now she's got three…
Ric (looking up): Jax.
Alexis (puts face in her hands): Oh god, Kristina has four Daddies!
(Ric gives her a big bear hug to calm her down. Strokes her hair.)
Ric: Okay, yes, yes. (Hugs tighter) We'll figure it out… (looks in her eyes) Mom. (Pause - facetiously) You are still Kristina's mother, aren't you?
They kiss.
Ric: Here, let me get dressed and we'll go into town and (shudders) look at antiques.
He gives her another little kiss, and then starts to walk past her. But she grabs him to give him another little kiss, and another, and another.
Alexis (in between kisses): Maybe those antiques can wait a few minutes…
Ric: Minutes?
Alexis: Hours. (They kiss and she drops his robe, again. And, yes, Rick has just spent the entire episode clad only in a robe.)
End of scene.