Author: Stephanie
Fandom: Harry Potter
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG
Summary: Remus can remember everything about his friends. Especially the kissing. (First kisses, Remus stream-of-conscious, Unbeta'd)
Memory Kiss
Remus remembered everything.
No, not everything. Not every minute detail of every single day of his life. The very thought was absurd. Some things he didn't remember, of course, like the day he was bitten. When he thought back to it all he could recall was pain and fear and pain and fear and over and over again, like it would never stop. Then there were the weeks, months, years following that were all sort of hazy. So much so Remus wasn't entirely sure they were there at all or if he was just making them up, trying to push down worse memories. Like the first time he transformed, the first time his mother chained him in the basement, the first time he could remember what happened on those long, exhausting nights.
Remus was not perfect, and he could not remember everything, but he remembered everything about them.
When you don't have a lot of friends – and Remus certainly did not, which was weird considering his friends were two of the most popular boys at school – you tend to remember them. Remus could count on one hand every conversation he had had in his first year. He could number the times someone outside of his own house had spoken to him for anything besides school with ease. It was his own fault. He could have acted like James, funny and wild and loud and James. James who could fly and flirt and do all those things popular boys should be able to do. He could have run his hand through his hair and covered his face with a smile and laughed at everything that girl from Hufflepuff said and people would have wanted to hang out with him. Or he could have acted like Sirius, wild and beautiful and unrestrained and Sirius. He could have had every third year girl in the school following him around, giggling every time he grinned that maniacal grin that was so him and not allowed to be anyone else's. He could have acted like he didn't care about school, his family, or anything. He could have been just like that and then he wouldn't have to worry about how many times he'd spoken to someone other than his close friends in the last few days because everyone would always want to talk to him.
Remus didn't want to talk to them. He didn't want them to get close enough that they wanted to talk to him. The idea made him nervous, made him want to go home and hide under the covers and not come out. Ever.
James and Sirius and Peter had talked to him. They got close enough that they wanted to talk to him. And Remus was more thankful for that then he felt he had the right to be. And so, in return, he had taken to remembering every little thing they did and said and were together. He was their keeper, their pensive, their living diary.
He remembered the first time James said Lily's name.
He remembered every trip to the kitchen and back under that old invisibility cloak.
He remembered the first time Sirius kissed him.
It wasn't really a kiss. Not in the sense that it was meant to be like a kiss. It was sort of a half kiss. A friendly, I-like-you-but-don't-like-you kiss. You probably couldn't even call it a kiss. A peak, maybe, or a press or a smooch or a hug with lips, only that sounded much too intimate. Not a kiss. Remus remembered the first time Sirius gave him a not-a-kiss.
"You were great!" Sirius said. James had his arms in the air. He was doing something that could not be considered dancing. Next to him Peter was trying to avoid the boy's flailing. "You were great!" Sirius didn't actually say this again, but Remus heard it at least nine hundred times.
"You were great." It was the first time he'd ever heard it. His mother told him he was good. His father said he was loved. His teachers said he was smart. When Sirius said he was great it was like all these things wrapped into one and placed under a Christmas tree. He said 'great' but Remus heard 'friend' and the room started spinning.
"You were great!" And before Remus had time to think about it he had a laughing Sirius with his arm around him and his lips pressed to his already hot red cheek.
This was second year, and Remus could still outline the place Sirius's skin had meant his and wasn't that just so sad? Only Remus didn't like to think about it, tried not to think about it at all except to relive it every single moment of the summer. It didn't make sense, not then and not now, but that was how it was. That was Remus's first not-a-kiss.
After that there were a lot more not-a-kisses. Mostly from Sirius, and mostly on his cheek although none of them felt like the first, which was fine with Remus because the first meant nothing… everything…. nothing and so it didn't matter. Occasionally James would give him a not-a-kiss, though not as often and usually when he was deliriously happy, and James was just so James that he would have kissed anyone, anyway, and Remus would like to think that Sirius wasn't that promiscuous even with his not-a-kissing. He certainly didn't chase girls like James did, and who could blame him with a mother like his to be a little frightened of girls. Remus was a little frightened as well, but not because he had Ms. Black to look forward to every summer but because they were so soft and fragile and he was all broken and would break again every month, every year, always. He knew they were soft, too, because once after studying for their exams Lily had given him a not-a-kiss. She was sweet and smelled like something gentle and kind and her lips were soft and mushy against his cheek, but he couldn't help wishing she hadn't kissed him in the same exact spot Sirius had that once, because that was Sirius's spot.
He had gone to his room and the next day she'd apologized for embarrassing him, and he'd said he was impossible to embarrass with friends like Sirius and James and Peter even though that wasn't true.
Sirius embarrassed him.
In fourth year, Remus got his first Real Kiss. It was from a Hufflepuff girl and he wasn't entirely sure that it constituted kissing because it was really fast and weird, but Remus suspected that everyone's first kiss was a bit like that.Sirius seemed to think it was real enough because he announced it to the entire Great Hall the next day.
"Remus and Catharine," He said without prelude and really loudly so that everyone sitting even relatively close to James and Remus and Peter could hear. "were snogging in the library."
James and Peter applauded. Lily left. Sirius plopped down and gave a sort of smile that Remus hardly ever saw expect for that one time when Ms. Black had come to pick him up at the train station in their third year. "We're weren't!" And Remus turned a new shade of red and sunk into his seat and didn't ever look at another Hufflepuff ever again. What had Sirius expected? Remus wasn't James, wasn't Sirius and they knew this and was he suppose to be happy that Sirius would do such a thing to him?
A few days later Catharine cornered him and asked him what was wrong and he'd said he was sorry and hurried away and after that Sirius stopped telling everyone they meant how Remus and Catharine had been kissing in the library.
He remembered the first animagus book James had ever given him with a sly look in his eyes.
He remembered every detention they ever served, which was quite a feat in itself.
He remembered the first time Sirius almost gave him his first Real Kiss.
It was a week before OWLs and Remus was studying in the dorm room, because James and Sirius were causing so much of a ruckus in the commons and Lily, bless her, was trying to keep them quiet and kept looking to Remus for help and what could he do against Sirius and James? So he just pulled Peter up to the commons to help him study. After a while Peter had passed out in bed, curled up and looking like a first year on top of his covers and Remus was leaning over his Potions book even though he knew he was going to fail anyway. It was two in the morning or somewhere near there and James and Sirius walked in.
Well, Sirius walked in and James stumbled and fell to the floor and both boys began laughing like it was the funniest thing ever.
"He's drunk," Sirius explained. He held up a mostly empty bottle of elf-wine to prove his point.
"So is he," James retorted. "Sluggy leant us his whine."
Both boys started giggling again. Apparently this was also extremely funny. Remus closed his potions book (pointless to try, anyway) and went over to help James to his feet.
"You need sleep."
James nodded, fell onto bed, and started laughing.
"He's fine," Sirius said, wrapping his arm around Remus's waist for support. At least Remus told himself it was for support, although he didn't see how leaning into him, hugging him around the middle and face buried in his neck, was helping Sirius stand at all. Just the same, Remus wrapped his own arms around Sirius shoulder and moved the taller boy to his own bed, which Sirius plopped down onto with something like drunken grace. Way more graceful, anyway, than James or even Remus when he was sober.
"You okay, Mooney?" Sirius asked in a slurred voice. Remus glowed, because he was still getting use to hearing his new nickname James had dubbed him with and never mind that every time he heard it he was reminded of his problem. James didn't think it mattered and Sirius didn't think it mattered and Peter didn't think it mattered so it simply didn't, and this was the first time Remus had ever felt like that and he liked to bask in it.
"'M all right, Padfoot," Which was better than James's original suggestion of 'Dogbreath' although now that he could smell Sirius from way over the bed the first suggestion seemed fitting.
"I'm glad," Sirius said, and he reached up and made a grab for Remus's hand and fell short, so Remus sat down on the edge of Sirius's mattress to help him out. This time the boy's hand landed on Remus's arm, and after a few seconds of struggling Sirius was sitting shoulder to shoulder with him. "You think too much, you know that, right?"
Remus chuckled. "You've told me that before." Sirius nodded and he looked at Remus like he was looking for something. Remus looked away because he had a million things he didn't want Sirius to see, most of which he didn't see himself and that was okay.
"Mooney?"
"Hmm?"
"We're friends."
"Of course!" And Remus was looking at him now, eyes slightly wide at the idea that they might not be friends because as long as Sirius and James and Peter would let him hang out with them he would.
"Okay then," Sirius said and he leaned forward and Remus got ready for another not-a-kiss which would be very Sirius like at the moment but instead of being Sirius-like he did something quite unexpected, which was still Sirius-like in its own way.
Before Remus had time to think anything except for the bit about how Sirius-like spontaneity was Sirius was pulling away. "Goodnight then," Sirius said, and he flopped down on the bed and closed his eyes as if sleeping.
In his own bed Remus tried not to think about it and failed miserably. He recited spells and potions and history lessons and tried to remember that blush was simply the rush of blood to one place and maybe he's cheeks were just feeling like they needed blood or something else that was normal and sensible and had nothing to do with Sirius.
Then he remembered what it felt like to have Catharine kiss him and how it was sort of mushy and wet and awkward she kind of tasted bitter and he told himself that he enjoyed that very much, as oppose to kisses that were soft and meant and didn't really taste at all because Sirius didn't give him enough time to react before he was gone. He compared the two and decided that Sirius's kisses were too warm and too caressing and too short and Catharine's were the type he preferred. Then he remembered that Sirius was drunk, and he was pretty sure any kiss done while intoxicated didn't even count as a Real Kiss even if it was on the lips. It was just sort of a kiss. A kind-of-kiss.
Then Remus decided to stop thinking, which was probably his best bit of thinking yet, and as he drifted to sleep he noted that Sirius had yet to move even an inch from where Remus had left him, fake sleeping on his bed.
The next day in Potions, Catharine sat next to a boy named Segin Riles and the two spent more time kissing than doing their work, which meant that for once Peter and Remus didn't have the worst potion in the class. Remus kept watching them, wondering if Segin thought her kissing was as awkward as Remus had, though obviously he was enjoying it quite a bit more. Halfway through class Sirius caught him staring.
"She should have stayed with you," He whispered as James and Snape glared at each other like they did every class, and Remus had to say a small prayer for Slughorn that James decided to drop NEWT levels because he wouldn't want those two in the same room with dangerous potions. "You're much better than Riles."
Remus reminded himself again that blush was just the rush of blood to one place, and it didn't really mean all that much. He wondered vaguely if it was possible for your heart to 'blush'.
After that Remus and Sirius had a whole bunch of kind-of-kisses.
The main differences was that not-a-kisses were done in a sort of 'yay!' moment when neither was thinking about it and didn't seem to leave that big of an impression on anyone but Remus. Kind-of-kisses were done at random times (at least as far as Remus could figure out and maybe Sirius knew what he was doing but if he did he didn't tell Remus) and they kind of burned. At least, Remus felt hot after every one without fail. Like each one was the first and the best and he knew that if Sirius kept it up he was going to explode. And he loved that feeling.
But not Sirius.
He made that very clear to himself after the third kind-of-kiss had left him in so much of a daze he'd nearly walked into the Ravenclaw common room. Kind-of-kisses were meant in friendship too, because one does not kiss ones friend in a very real way. So what if the kind-of-kisses were on the lips and maybe lasting a little longer than they should every time. Remus told himself not to worry about it, that Sirius knew what he was doing, that there was nothing wrong or odd going on with either of them.
"Something's going on with you and Sirius." The fact that James was picking up on it was Remus's first hint that something was wrong.
"No there isn't," Remus replied much too quickly and maybe a little loudly because three second years looked up from their books to stare. Remus didn't blush. It was getting harder to blush at the little things. "What's going on?"
Maybe James knew, because Remus didn't and he would like to know if something was going on between him and Sirius or with him and Sirius or whatever James had said about the two. "How should I know?"
Remus couldn't answer that, and he didn't try. He opened his Defense Against the Dark Arts book and tried reading.
He gave up reading.
He tried not thinking.
He gave up on that, too.
Seventeen. Not that Remus obsessively counted and relived every one over in his head until he didn't even have to shut his eyes to see every single detail but seventeen. Once when Sirius was drunk, twice after quidditch games, once on the train station, three times after various full moons, once after OWLs, once at Diagon Alley, twice after James and Sirius had a fight with Snape, once when Remus was yelling at Sirius for the Snape incident that they no longer talked about, once after Regulus had yelled at him in the hallway, and four times when nothing was happening at all. Seventeen in all. But seventeen kind-of-kisses didn't really mean anything. Unless a kind-of-kiss equaled half a Real Kiss, in which case him and Sirius would have Real Kissed eight and a half times and there was something wrong with that.
Remus decided that a kind-of-kiss was only 1/25 of a Real Kiss, and so him and Sirius had nothing to worry about. He conveniently forgot to think of how much a not-a-kiss was worth and didn't attempt to add them in.
After that, though, Remus stayed a bit more a way from Sirius. Just far enough that he couldn't be grabbed and pulled in. After all, while seventeen kind-of-kisses were nothing to worry about, it was kind of close to twenty-five, and Remus still had to survive another year of school without going over the friendship limit.
"Why would you say something like that?" Remus asked James. "There is nothing going on between me and Sirius. We're friends. We'll always be friends."
James got this weird look and nodded and dropped the subject and let Remus pretend that he was reading his textbook again without bothering him anymore with odd questions about him and Sirius. When Sirius walked into the commons James followed after him, and Remus ignored the lack of laughing that usually accompanied the two wherever they went.
There were no more kind-of-kisses sixth year.
He remembered the defining moments of every single one of their years.
First year was about getting as many detentions as they possibly could.
Second year was an early lesson on werewolves.
Third year they became brothers.
Fourth year was about animgus.
Fifth year could be found on a map.
Sixth year meant they had to grow up, or at least make a stab at it.
Seventh year was defined by this:
"Prongs is with Lily."
Sirius fell down on the bed right next to Remus. Remus, who lately didn't like to spend time alone with Sirius but was finding it hard with James always off with his girlfriend (and it was about time considering how long he'd been pestering her about going out with her, and Remus wasn't at all jealous but that didn't stop Lily from giving him these pity looks every now and then. He tried not to be caught alone with them too much, either) and Peter was off somewhere. Sirius and James didn't seem to care, but Remus was worried. When bothered about it Sirius suggested he had a girlfriend or something and Remus dropped it because he hated talking to Sirius about girlfriends and kissing and anything like that.
"Oh," Remus said in a way that didn't sound surprised or interested, because he was neither and he was hoping Sirius would sit up or get off his bed and stop playing with the corner of his robe like that.
"They're always together," Sirius complained. He did not get up or move or stop playing with the edge of Remus's robe. Instead he just continued to twirl the black fabric around his finger and ignore the fact that his side was pressed against Remus's leg like it was nothing, which it was but that wasn't the point.
"I'm sorry," Remus replied. He read the sentence 'The transfiguration of humans holds many potential dangers for both the spell caster and surrounding spectators if done incorrectly' and Sirius dropped the edge of his robe (Remus didn't let out a relieved sigh. He did not) and propped himself up on his elbow so that his chin was resting on Remus's book.
"It's like we don't exist. All they do is sit around and giggle with each other. What do you suppose they're giggling about, anyway? Nothing is that funny."
"Probably about how you're sitting around complaining about them giggling and trying to guess what they're talking about." Remus smiled and Sirius took a swat at his knee.
"Prat," He spat, slamming his chin gently on Remus's book to make it quiver in the boy's hands. Remus didn't notice. Just like he didn't notice Sirius hand hadn't move from his knee after the playful hit.
He read the sentence 'The transfiguration of humans holds many potential dangers for both the spell caster and surrounding spectators if done incorrectly'.
"We should… Cast a sticking spell on them or something. See how they like being together that much." Sirius's fingers were tracing invisible images right above his knee. Remus bite his lip to keep himself from squealing or laughing or moaning, because he wasn't sure which he wanted to do the most or which would come out and none of them were really any good.
"Because Mcgonagal can't undo any spell you can cast. Besides, I think Prongs would be thankful. Or kill you. Either way is a win, right?" The hand gave a slight hit, not nearly as hard as the first one, and then went back to it's drawling.
"What do you think we should do then?"
Remus wanted Sirius to move his hand. He wanted James to waltz in that door and distract Sirius for an hour or two or forty eight. He wanted to go back to his second year and stop all the not-a-kisses than lead to kind-of-kisses that lead to Remus being unable to look Sirius in the eye. He wanted Catharine from Hufflepuff to ask him out again so that he could say yes and mean it. He wanted to be able to kiss Sirius without James saying there was something between them because the only thing that was between them was friendship and loyalty and memories and clothes.
"Study," Remus said and looked down at his book and trying not to fidget despite how uncomfortable he was. He read the sentence 'The transfiguration of humans holds many potential dangers for both the spell caster and surrounding spectators if done incorrectly'.
Sirius moved his hand from Remus's lap and this time Remus did let out a breath of relief there was no denying it but then Sirius was wrapping his hand around the top of Remus's book and pulling it away from him and Remus gave a hard tug a protest. "Sirius!"
"You study too much," Sirius said, had been saying forever and maybe it was true but Remus was not naturally as bright or handsome or perfect as Sirius so what was he suppose to do? "Give me the book."
Remus tried to keep a hold on it, but Sirius was much strong. "What were you reading?" He asked, looking over the page Remus had been on.
"I don't know." And that was the truth and it felt like the first time Remus had told the truth in a long time, even if it was just about a sentence in a book he couldn't remember reading but it felt good.
"Come on, Mooney," Sirius pushed, because Sirius was good at pushing people to get his way. "Come on. What were you reading? You've been up here for hours studying. What could possibly be that intresting?" Remus tried to remember what he had been reading and he could feel Sirius press against his leg, tried to recall the last sentence he'd gone over and could feel Sirius's hand against his robe against his knee against his skin against his blood that was now pumping through his ears. He couldn't. "Unless you haven't really been reading."
"I have been," And that was not-a-lie, because he had been reading. Only Sirius made him forget things. Things like transfiguration and girls named Catharine and that you weren't suppose to kiss your friends.
"You're lying." Yes. No. Sometimes. Not now.
"I am not!"
Sirius thought about this. Then he throw Remus's book across the room. Remus couldn't summon up anger, because he never could no matter what Sirius did which was really a downfall and a sign that his friends had way too much power over him and he knew it but he couldn't even get angry about that, so he simply stood up to go get his book and maybe go to the library since Madam Pince had all but banned James and Sirius from there anyway and it would be nice to get some peace and quiet and remember what he read.
Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus's stomach and before Remus could move away he found himself falling into the bed.
"What are you doing?"
Sirius didn't have him pinned to the bed but Remus wasn't moving. He let Sirius hover over him, black hair falling in his face and if he moved a little closer it would be falling in Remus's face as well and he had this odd look in his eyes Remus wasn't entirely sure that he could trust but he did. "What are you doing, Sirius?"
"We're friends, right?" Remus did not think back to the last time Sirius had asked him this question. He didn't smell the air for wine. He didn't have to stop himself from closing his eyes and telling himself this was just a dream but it was okay to have it because you couldn't control your dreams so he might as well pretend it was real. He didn't. He didn't. He didn't.
"Right."
This was when Remus J. Lupin got his first really Real Kiss.
He can remember it perfectly, but he can't describe it. If he tries all that comes to mind is this wordless feeling. And this warmth. A heat he has come to associate only with Sirius. Sirius's warmth, spread through him and over him and into his blood stream like the bite of a werewolf. Transforming him into nothingness.
When Sirius pulled away Remus wasn't sure he still existed.
"Friends?"
He remember the look in Sirius's eyes when he asked him that, and he couldn't explain that either. Not because he couldn't find the words, but because that look was his, and no one else got to hear about it.
Remus wrapped his fingers in Sirius's hair. He needed Sirius more than Sirius needed him, but at that moment it was Remus promising to never leave, never doubt, never abandon. "Right," He said, and he let Sirius kiss him. Kiss him breathless and blissful and back into existence.
This was two days before they left Hogwarts. It took him that long to let Sirius kiss him in proper and more than anything he wished he wouldn't have let Sirius kiss him at all, wish he had pushed him away and knocked him out and locked him up until it was safe. Then later, years and years later, he would wish that he had let Sirius kiss him forever and never stop. Not for air, not for school, not for sleep. Just die like that, together, because they would all die anyway.
He remembered those kisses most of all, because they were the first and some of the last before everything start falling apart and people began to leave, to doubt, and to abandon. In less than a year you couldn't be sure who to trust, who to kiss, who to feel for, and it was amazing how a diseases that had been so easily over looked in childhood earned you finger pointing and accusing whispers outside the school yard.
Remus had to remember every kiss, because he never got the chance to kiss back.