Things you never do around the Kirkland Brothers
A.S.
This tale could start with, 'It was a hot, summer day...' but that's quite possibly the most boring beginning to any story, ever. Also include, 'It was a cold winter day...' and 'It was a wet, rainy day...' on that list as well, because although lists are not allowed to be published in this domain, mentioning them surely couldn't offend anyone's delicate sensibilities.
Instead, we're going to start with a very new, very original;
England blew his top when he discovered 'The List' attached to the refrigerator with touristy Eiffel Tower magnets that morning.
A certain Frenchman (whom shall not be named) whom had slept over denied any involvement whatsoever. Nobody really believed him, but when he swore by his beloved St. Jehanne, they shut their mouths and continued reading.
Scotland had a fit when he got to the part that mentioned… well, pretty much anything to do with him.
Wales legitimately died laughing but was resuscitated minutes later by his irate older brother.
One must, therefore, wonder at the contents of this elusive list.
The first half of it was as follows:
1. Never ask England about the Doctor Who episode where a spaceship destroyed his 'Big Ben'. He will not be happy.
2. When you see Scotland in his traditional dress, do not ask him why he is wearing a skirt, or he'll put you in one himself.
3. Under no circumstances must you mistake Wales for England despite the physical similarities. The results would be catastrophic and involve an angry dragon.
4. Do not make fun of England's eyebrows. If he doesn't turn you into a frog, France will force feed you raw beef to shut you up for hurting his beloved sourcils' feelings.
5. Under no circumstances are you to call Ireland a mad drunk to his face. He will smash his bottle of ale over your head.
6. Number 5 can also be applied to the words 'bipolar leprechaun', 'fairy boy', and many others.
7. Referring to the 'Little Entente' when questioning England about his relationship with France is not a good idea. Unless, of course, you plan on shoving them both into a broom cupboard and locking them in for a few hours.
8. When referring to Scotland's national animal, never ask him why he doesn't ride his 'horny' friend to World Conferences.
9. Any mention of Aliança Luso-Britânica around the Kirkland brothers will result in a detailed and embarrassing account of England's first date and subsequent 'relations' with Portugal.
10. Number 9 can also be applied to the Auld Alliance and Scotland's relationship with France.
11. The correct way to get Scotland to turn you on does not include using the line, 'Beam me up, Scotty.'
12. During his annual Harry Potter marathon, under no circumstances must you ever ask England to show you his 'wand'.
13. Number 12 can also be applied to his 'sonic screwdriver' during the Doctor Who marathon.
14. Reminding England that his human name comes from Arthur Pendragon is not a good idea. He's sick of Wales continuously lording over him because he is named after the King of Camelot.
15. The term, 'Bros before hoes' is never to be mentioned in the vicinity of the Kirkland brothers, specifically Arthur and Alistair. It might be taken literally, which would result in a really bad fistfight which would escalate to either a 'more than unified' British Isles or a 'less than unified' United Kingdom. England hates America's stupid taglines. Also, France doesn't like to be referred to as a hoe, no matter what the nature of his relationships with Scotland and England were or are respectively.
16. Mentioning Northern Ireland's Split-Personality Disorder will result in a nasty altercation about compass directions over a pint of ale in the nearest pub.
17. Cracking Scotty jokes around Alistair will end with you sitting in the driver's seat too terrified to even scream the words, "I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain!" while being chased down by an angry unicorn. Scotland found the first one funny, the 83rd, not so much.
18. The word 'magic' should never be used when England is drinking at the tavern known as The Rising Sun. Merlin's presence there will ensure that everyone in a five-mile radius will be turned into frogs, local vegetation, kittens or flying mint bunnies as a result of the impending warlock's duel.
19. The Loch Ness Monster is real. Even mentioning the possibility of Scotland's 'beloved Nessie' being a figment of his imagination will result in a one-way ticket to the bottom of the Loch Ness.
20. It must be noted that any mention of 'those sparkly vampire novels' in Scotland's vicinity will produce the same results as 19. Alistair came very close to slaughtering a certain someone for 'defiling the noble name of his fearsome beastie.'
The kindly old lady doing her grocery shopping halfway down the road was alarmed at the cacophony of cursing in very rapid Welsh that assaulted her delicate aged eardrums when England tackled Wales to the ground in order to stop him from finishing his recitation of the list out loud, snatched it out of his hands and ripped it to shreds.
Why?
Who knows.
Maybe he thought the contents was too disturbing.
Maybe the contents was state secrets.
Scotland swore by his darling Nessie that the next time someone mocked Sparkle The Unicorn or cracked a Scotty joke around him, he'd go on a rampage that would make the Red Wedding look like Bride Wars.
The certain Frenchman (whom shall still not be named) quite vehemently declared that he neither deserved nor would tolerate any slander towards his person, especially by any imbecile who wrote or found the so-called 'List' funny.
There was a rather loud bout of obnoxious laughter from the neighbour's house which went unremarked because of the ensuing fistfight in the Kirkland household.
Thankfully, the Irelands were having an argument in Dublin and were quite cross to have missed the spectacle their idiot brothers made of themselves.
Disclaimer: There are references to Harry Potter, Doctor Who, ASOIAF, Star Trek, Merlin and various historical events in this fic. Naturally, I own none of them. I confess that I have changed 'Loch Ness Lake' in number 19 to 'Loch Ness' thanks to the feedback from my Scottish reviewer Luna. This fic is meant all in good fun, and I sincerely hope people from the UK (Or Ireland or France or basically any other country mentioned) don't take it seriously / personally or get offended. If you do deal with the latter, you have my apologies. Honestly. No offence intended. (Please stop reporting me, it's very distressing.)