Author's Note: First off, I don't own anything to do with Ranger's Apprentice and all rights belong to Saint John Flanagan! Second, I have no idea where I got this idea – probably from some fanfic where Rangers run out of coffee – but I decided to write one of my own. This is purely humour and I suppose you'd call it a crack-fic. Truth be told, I don't know how funny it is and some of you will most probably call it a waste of time. Whatever the case, here is the first chapter of my latest story attempt!
Chapter 1: The Vision
Rangers – These grim-faced warriors were like wraiths in the night. Silent sentinels guarding the kingdom from villains and evil-doers, the eyes and ears of the king.
Rangers were famous for having an impressive stamina, amongst other things. Some folks even said they could turn invisible at will. Others claimed it was due to their molten green and grey cloaks that they wore, touched by the devil's own hands they said, that aided them in walking unseen amongst the common man.
Whatever the case, Rangers were now the laughing stock of the kingdom. It had started some months back but already they were the big joke and everyone, save their closest friends and allies, took this golden opportunity to point fun at them for being so snoopy and creepy in general.
"Why?" You ask. "How could so powerful an organization become so weakened seemingly overnight? It's just not natural!"
Well, not natural it may be but then – one dark and stormy night – the unnatural happened.
No one quite knew how it came about, but throughout the Kingdom of Araluen and beyond – coffee, the Elixir of Life to all Rangers – vanished! Immediately, mass chaos reigned supreme as the realisation dawned on the fifty secret service agents.
Overnight, they became dazed and listless. Restless at first, they now straggle around the kingdom like a man robbed of thirst. They are a dangerous folk, their eyes looking off into the distance as if imagining barrels full of coffee.
At first, no one noticed their plight but now they do for whenever they see a hapless stranger within arm's reach; they grab them and babble incoherently about 'caverns of coffee'. Of course, no one in their right mind would want to have anything to do with them.
No one?
Well, not quiet! A few good souls still reside in Castle Redmont and are currently trying to nurse the latest victim (of what became known as the Coffee Curse) back to health: Will Treaty.
Yep!
You heard me right: Will Treaty was struck by the same plague, virus, whatever you call it, that ruined so many of them Rangers. After all, they were the intelligence force of the kingdom and the king needed them back in the best of health or else the land would fall to enemies both without and within.
So it was that young Jenny was trying to coax Will into having some food. It was a cup of tea, fresh from the cauldron, but the poor Ranger could not bring himself to eat. For some reason, food sickened him. He needed...coffee!
"Please, Will," The prettily plump blond begged, kneeling in front of the huddled and shivering figure whose shaking hands were clutching an empty coffee mug. "If you eat this, I'll fetch you some tea. It's the next best thing to coffee and you haven't had food in three whole days!"
Will shuddered at the thought of food. He didn't want food, darn it! He wanted coffee. But the notion of tea was too good to pass up now, especially if it was Jenny's tea.
"Don't you think that's a good idea, Gilan?" Jenny asked, batting her eyelashes at the tall and swashbuckling Ranger.
But the poor fellow was too far gone to notice and immediately lurched forward from the couch where he sat crying, "No, Will! Don't go to the dark side! Be free of them!"
"It's too late, Gilan," Ranger Halt, who sat beside the hearth in the small room, whispered sadly. "I think we've lost him."
Indeed, Will had become so overcome by the need for something warm to drink that he began gobbling down his food – literally stuffing his face full with the stuff. Jenny nodded in approval and sat back a respectful distance to watch her old friend eat.
The others – Lady Pauline, Alyss, Horace, and George – all sighed and shook their heads, muttering. They held nothing against the Rangers but it was awful silly how they treated coffee: Drinking it was like a religion to them.
"Good," Jenny grinned, standing up and smoothing down the wrinkles in her dress. "Since you ate all your food, I shall get you a steaming cup of tea."
Will's mouth watered at the sound of it and he licked his bowl dry much to the disgust, and horror, of all those present.
"Eww!" Alyss said, face-palming herself. "And to think I ever kissed the guy!"
Horace and George broke into fits of giggles and as they struggled to continue playing their game of chess. Lady Pauline smiled from where she sat in a rocking chair, sewing up Halt's Ranger cloak.
It was a hobby she had taken too of late and proved very useful considering how Rangers just couldn't look after themselves these days, what with the Coffee Curse!
Jenny came back a few minutes later to find Will waiting with an expectant look. At the sight of the cup of tea, a look of elation broke out onto Will's face.
"Mine!" He howled, lurching for the cup.
Snatching it out of Jenny's hands, he ignored the surprised look on the blonde's face and drank down the tea in three large gulps.
Suddenly, time seemed to slow.
His vision blurred and stretched, while everything else seemed to pass in slow motion.
Like some wretched dream, everyone else's voices went deep and low until he could barely hear them. Sweat beaded on his forehead and his hands shook...
...That's when he saw the vision!
With a terrific bang, the air in the room split in two revealing a gapping hole of swirling clouds. The mist parted revealing a map of the kingdom. It looked like a normal map, save that it was constantly moving forward at a dizzying speed.
What's more, he could see people, animals, and things moving wherever they were supposed to be on the map. It was incredible! Then the map stopped at a certain location and began to enlarge right before his very eyes.
Will gasped in awe and wonder as it zoomed up real close revealing a mist-shrouded forest and a secret entrance to a set of dark caverns. Inside the caverns, he could see piles and piles of...coffee beans? He blinked in confusion as the vision slowly vanished.
Even more surprising was the voice he heard in his head that spoke the following words.
"Come to me, He Who Seeks Coffee Unfading!" The deep voice said, not unkindly. "Come to me and all shall be revealed unto you!"
Then there was a blood-curdling howl, a screech, and the vision vanished with another mind-blowing bang. Will nearly collapsed afterwards, but quickly regained his senses.
Realising what had just happened, his eyes lit up and he screamed, "Coffeeeeeee!" Before charging out of the room in Castle Redmont he shared with Halt and Gilan.
Not even bothering to pack anything, he saddled Tug and broke into a gallop in the direction of the coffee caverns he saw in his vision. It was just a vision, but he knew it was something more – something he was supposed to find. And find it he would, even if it was the last thing he'd do!
Back in Halt, Gilan, and Will's room in Castle Redmont, the others had gone back to their various activities. Horace and George were immersed in their game of chess while Jenny fetched Will a steaming cup of tea.
Halt and Gilan were moaning and groaning to each other about the lack of a basic necessity, and were busy trying to get Lady Pauline to sympathise with them.
Jenny returned, beaming, and handed Will a cup of tea. The quivering Ranger gulped it down, froze for a moment, and his eyes widened.
Much to everyone's stunned surprise, he shrieked like a crazed fangril, "Coffeeeeeeeeee!"
Everyone jumped, coughing and sputtering at the unexpected noise, and watched in shock and alarm as Will dropped the empty cup of tea and bolted out the door.
The room froze as a tense silence filled the air, then pandemonium broke out amongst all gathered and even the guards could have sworn to have heard some such racket!
Finally, it was Alyss who had calmed them all down by standing up on a stool and banging the handle of a nearby broom into the stone floor. Everyone stopped arguing reluctantly and looked at her with sheepish grins, all squirming as they realised how foolish they had just looked.
"Friends, ladies," She said in a calm and clear voice. "I do believe Will Treaty has just had a vision of a possible place where a horde of coffee might be hidden. Isn't that right, Jenny?"
The cook blushed and nodded. "I'll admit I had given him some Dreaming Tea that, as legend has it, gives one the occasional vision of where something lies that they desperately seek."
"In other words," Alyss said with a smirk. "Jenny has successfully tricked Will into finding the location of coffee, where it went. It is possibly the only way to resurrect the fallen Rangers and save the realm from chaos. I don't know about you, but I aim to journey after Will and help him on his quest to save the world. So who's with me?"
Needless to say, everyone was and it was a mad rush as male and female alike scrambled to follow after Will. Little did they know, however, that unfriendly eyes watched them from the window!
To Be Continued...
A/N: Like I said, this is all just foolishness with a touch of seriousness added in but this is all in parody and good fun. Now, contrary to what some of you might think – I do not mean to make fun of the Rangers as I absolutely love Ranger's Apprentice. It is one of my favourite series and that's saying something! I just got this idea and it insisted on being written. Like it? Love it? Hate it? Leave a review and let me know!
~ Elf Knight ~