A/N: I spent a whole week on this one because there's a message that I was trying to convey and I had difficulty with it (oh well). This is partly a character-study fic and partly a one-word prompt fic to the word "silver". To my dear readers, if you like this, please review and rec it! Also, I have a Tumblr account where I post SeBlaine arts and SeBlaine drabbles that cannot be found on this site. I'd be honored if you can follow me and say hello! You can find me at "rykerstrom . tumblr . com". Thanks and enjoy!
SILVER
"You didn't lose the gold, you've won the silver."
Sebastian despised the phrase. It was the words of a loser, of an underachiever who wanted to make excuses for failures. As far as silver, or bronze for that matter, was concerned; it was a consolation price and an excuse for mediocrity.
While the idea of gold, silver, and bronze was most often used in sports, Sebastian viewed it as a symbolism for the marathon that was known as life. And for that, Sebastian hated silver. Silver was even the worst, because while bronze signified the last place of the three, silver indicated a near win. It was a stark reminder that one who received silver had fallen short.
Fallen short was worse than failing in itself.
For Sebastian Smythe, gold was always the only option in the life. No exceptions.
Even as a young child, he had a desire to outdo others. Sebastian couldn't remember when he started feeling this way about things. No one forced him to be great at things. Contrary to what most people would assume, his parents had been accepting and supportive of his endeavors, even if his parents couldn't be around all the time.
After all, there were mouths to feed in this family. Having a family that was rarely ever together was a small price to pay for maintaining a high standard of living.
Perhaps that was when it started.
He was too young to recognize what was it that he wanted to ultimately outdo, but Sebastian did know that success of some form was something he wanted. In his young mind, he wanted his own gold. All of it.
What that gold had stood for had changed over the years, but Sebastian knew that as long as he attained his gold, he could be at peace with himself. After all, his entire self-worth was dependent on it. Sebastian Smythe could not be Sebastian Smythe without winning his gold every single time.
For any young child, the most important thing was to be liked and have friends who understood him. It was the first gold he wanted to attain. Common notion and traditional teaching would say that being nice and kind to people was the way to go, and that standing up for what was right and just was the noble thing to do.
So logically speaking, doing the right thing meant that people would like him, right? Granted, at the time, Sebastian was doing the right thing not because he wanted to be liked. He was doing the right thing because the person in question was his friend, and no one should ever be bullied.
It didn't take long for Sebastian to learn the hard way though, that bullying existed everywhere outside of his home, that at the end of the day, it was those who were feared that got what they wanted. Of course, he only figured it out after getting a black eye for standing up for his friend. But that really hurt the most was that his "friend" didn't even thank him. In fact, a few days later, he found the very same classmate he stood up for had aligned himself with the bully while Sebastian had become an outcast.
That was when Sebastian realized that being feared was better than being loved, and that as long as one was popular, one could pretty much get away with everything. Power and fear one exerted over others meant a whole lot more than being loved or liked. To exert power meant one had to be popular in some ways, but to be popular didn't always mean that one had to be well-liked.
It was an interesting if not somewhat illogical concept for Sebastian. But Sebastian had a new gold to obtain. Forget about friendships, because popularity and power were the ways to go.
Popularity and power were the new gold, and if he must choose one, power it would be.
Sebastian had a few friends during his early childhood days. Had, being the past tense, because none of them lasted. Perhaps it was his fault in some ways, being too trusting and letting his emotions getting the best of him only resulted in himself getting disappointed and hurt in the long run.
There was a time when Sebastian used to wear his heart on sleeves. Even after that incident with the black eye, Sebastian tried to make some real friends. It was disappointing to know that people only cared for themselves. After one too many betrayals, Sebastian decided that enough was enough.
However, it was more difficult said than done to make others fear him. Because as long as Sebastian had feelings and let himself be close to anyone, people would never fear him. Feelings create weaknesses. So after a while, Sebastian learned to keep things to himself. It was better to put up a façade and showed what needed to be shown. If he was going to talk to people, it was always best to lie and say things others wanted to hear or simply strike them down with the first blow.
It didn't take long for Sebastian to get the hang of striking a balance between being caustic and approachable. He found that as screwed up as it was, people tended to be more fascinated by him if they found him difficult to approach; and that by being distant and arrogant, others tried harder to please him.
Sebastian concluded that people were masochistic and pathetic.
By fifth grade, Sebastian had already mastered the art of popularity and power. He was feared, respected, and loved at the same time amongst his peers. He got what he wanted and he could get away with just about anything. For a ten year old child, life was good. But Sebastian needed new challenges or else he would get bored. Thankfully, his family kept moving around, and with every new school, there was the need for him to re-establish his presence and territory. It kept him satisfied for the next couple of years.
And then Sebastian turned thirteen.
He had long obtained the gold that he had set out to get, and now it was time for him to win the next gold.
Teenage years. The age of rebellion, as some would call it. Sebastian refused to be a stereotype. He could rebel and get away with it, but where was the fun in that? At thirteen, Sebastian had zeroed in on the next gold to win.
Sex.
Sebastian had done all the research. He had even found out what the national average was for the age to start having full-on sex. Sebastian got the decimals calculated all the way down the days and hours. Not only did he plan on outdoing all these people by having sex before the average, he was going to do them two better.
One, he wasn't just going to have sex with anyone. He was going to do this with someone just like him, virginal and good-looking. He was worth more than giving it to someone whose dick had been in other places.
Two, after he got this out of the way, he would sleep with someone much older. It seemed a bit clichéd, but Sebastian knew it was something that not many could lay claims to. For a teenager, sex was the holy grail activity and for Sebastian Smythe, he was going to blow that thing out of the water.
His first time, and by that Sebastian meant the first time that he got to do everything, happened seven months after he turned thirteen. He had planned ahead of time, making sure he got himself someone who was interested in taking the leap. Doing that was a challenge in and of itself, as finding a good-looking gay virgin his age was an almost impossible feat. They were hard to find to begin with, and most of the ones who did fit the criteria were too hesitant and frightened to try it.
It had taken some persuasion and manipulation on Sebastian's part, but at the end, it was the promise of no strings attached and bragging rights - even though Sebastian knew if it came to that, he could always deny it and people would believe him - that finally got his partner to agree to "do the dirty".
First times were never perfect. Sebastian didn't expect it to be. Although he did have to say that he was a bit annoyed by how uncomfortable and awkward the whole ordeal was. The boy he did it with, while attractive, had been way too nervous to last long enough. It felt as though the whole thing was all about going through with the motion and checking off the boxes.
The second time and all the subsequent times, however, were much better. But then again, that was because Sebastian had moved on to more experienced and much older partners since that first time.
As immature and naive as it might sound, Sebastian actually prided himself on his ability to fool these older men into thinking that he was legal. Thanks to his height, Sebastian was able to pass for much older and with his MENSA level intelligence, street-smarts, and good looks, it really wasn't that hard to get these people to think the way Sebastian wanted them to think.
It didn't really matter how many partners he had, sex was fun and it was a good distraction from having to pretend and act a certain way on a daily basis. After all, being on his guard all the time and trying to anticipate his potential enemies' next moves could be rather tiresome. Sebastian didn't care if sleeping with these men made him a slut. He was male and one of the good things about being a guy was that promiscuity was not frowned upon by society.
Perhaps most people would say that as a teenager, Sebastian should focus on his school work and do well in school so that he could get into a good university in the future. He did. Doing well in school and being popular as well as powerful in school were not challenging for him. It was always more fun to juggle multiple things at once.
Dalton Academy marked the turning point for Sebastian Smythe.
If Sebastian had to identify the most difficult gold to obtain to date, it would be Blaine Anderson. Sebastian had never met anyone quite like Blaine before.
Good-looking, charming, talented, and kind; these were qualities that Sebastian didn't think could exist in a human being. He hated to admit that it was Blaine's inner qualities more than his outward appearance that drew Sebastian to him. Meeting Blaine had reminded him of the self that he had once lost, and Sebastian just knew that he had to have Blaine and become his everything.
Sebastian Smythe always got what he wanted at the end, even if it took a bit longer this time around.
To catch Blaine Anderson meant that Sebastian had to be the type of person that Blaine liked. That meant he actually had to be nice. It was a bit challenging to try to go back to the person that he once was. As far as Sebastian could remember, the kind and genuine part of him was buried long ago. Even if he tried, he couldn't go back to what he used to be.
So Sebastian did the next best thing. He pretended, like he always did.
He was still his arrogant, snarky self. He still manipulated. But Sebastian did take everything down a notch. When it came to Blaine, Sebastian was always on his best behavior, biting his tongue whenever the urge to insult arose. But in spite of the pretense, there was one thing that Sebastian was genuine about.
He cared for Blaine.
Sebastian wasn't sure when he started caring for this boy beyond that of a new conquest, but he knew his feelings toward Blaine had changed when he found himself going out of his way to do things that he normally wouldn't do for people outside of his immediate family. The cessation of his visits to Scandals and the desire to leave his options open, the want of making sure that Blaine was happy and cared for; all were so uncharacteristic of him that Sebastian wondered if it was normal to feel that way toward anyone.
Perhaps that was what unconditional love was, the desire for the happiness and well-being of another above all else.
"You have me where you want me, Sebastian Smythe." Blaine was looking up at him with those honey-colored eyes, his face flushed and lips swollen from the kissing. "What are you going to do about it?"
"Everything." Sebastian dove in for another kiss. "Everything."
Even after having been with all those people, it was nothing compared to sleeping with Blaine. Sebastian couldn't get enough of him. He loved the way Blaine would throw his head back against the pillow when Sebastian thrust inside, and the way Blaine would turn his head to the side as he tried to stifle a moan, his neck straining and shining with a thin sheen of sweat.
It was intoxicating in more ways than one.
"Tell me." Blaine gasped out.
"Tell you what?" Sebastian tightened his grip on Blaine's thighs as he tried to keep up a rhythm.
"I want to hear you say it." Blaine let out a small moan when Sebastian changed his angle. "Say it."
Blaine was so tight around him. It was hard to focus on anything else other than being inside of this gorgeous boy below him. Sebastian just wanted to stay there forever. "Say what?"
"I love you."
"You know I do." Sebastian rested his forehead against Blaine's as he sped up his thrusts.
Sebastian could feel the heat pooling at the pit of his stomach slowly building up as he increased his momentum. Release was so close but he wanted to hold off, he wanted to savor this moment forever. He kept his eyes opened as he pushed into Blaine again and again, enjoying their close proximity and maintaining eye contact. Blaine's eyes were dark with lust, his face so close to Sebastian's that Sebastian could even see the way each individual long lash fanned out at the tip.
Ultimately, Blaine Anderson became Sebastian Smythe's last.
Years gone by, and along with them came successes. But after all the gold that Sebastian had managed to win, the quest was still ongoing. It was odd that he would keep chasing, that the thrill of every victory only seemed to last for so long. It was like the act of chasing the dragon itself, neverending and never enough to satisfy.
Even with Blaine by his side, something was still missing.
For the longest time, Sebastian wasn't sure what the problem was. He should be happy, shouldn't he? By the age of thirty-five, he had made senior partner at a well-respected firm, had a loving husband who was nothing short of perfection, and he had been making and saving more money than he could ever spend. Sebastian was living the dream.
But in spite of it all, Sebastian felt like he still wasn't winning the gold. More specifically, he had won many gold but he still felt empty.
It was getting tiring, this inability to identify and therefore obtain what he ultimately wanted. For all his life, Sebastian hadn't minded the fact that there were new goals to meet and new things to out-perform. But Sebastian hated not knowing things, because not knowing meant that he wasn't in control of his life.
In the end, it took several remarks from Blaine to make Sebastian realize everything.
Blaine came home relatively late that night, looking tired and upset. It wasn't the first time that Sebastian had seen his husband distraught about work. Blaine wasn't cut out for the corporate world, not with when it was all about competitiveness and backstabbing politics. Blaine was too honorable and hot-headed for those types of things.
But it was what Blaine wanted.
Sebastian remembered Blaine stating that he wanted to contribute to the household, and that all his education had to count for something. Sebastian knew that Blaine wanted to prove himself to all the naysayers in his life, and who was Sebastian to say no? Sebastian was going to be as supportive as he could.
"I swear!" Blaine all but flung his briefcase onto the floor. "There must be a special circle of Hell for people like that!"
Sebastian watched on silently as Blaine sat himself down on the sofa in frustration, rearranging and taking it out on the cushions in the process.
"You must think I'm horrible, hoping that people would go to Hell." Blaine ran his hand through his hair and made an exasperated sound when he remembered that his hair was still gelled. "They threw me under the bus and once again, everything is my fault."
"No, not horrible." Sebastian walked around the sofa so that he was standing behind Blaine. He put his hands on Blaine's shoulders and started to knead the muscles there. "I want to throw my clients out the window all the time."
That earned a laugh out of Blaine.
"It's just the way people are." Sebastian continued, his fingers now brushing lightly over the nape of Blaine's neck. "You have to protect yourself, it's the most you can do."
"But it's horrible what they did. You don't understand, Sebastian." Blaine sighed. "They set me up to fail. My own team singled me out and sabotaged me. I just—how can people be this malicious?"
"Not everyone's like you, B." Sebastian kissed the back of Blaine's neck. "You know what?"
"What?"
"Let me take your mind off this." Sebastian trailed his fingers down the front of his husband's shirt, a trick that he knew would always work on Blaine.
There was a brief moment of silence.
"Okay."
When Sebastian decided that he was going to be committed to Blaine, the thought of never being able to sleep with anyone else hadn't bothered him at all. It surprised even him, especially when it was a decision that he had made at such a young age. What was even more unbelievable was the fact that even after all these years, the thought of breaking up had never even crossed Sebastian's mind.
Every time Sebastian had Blaine under him, he was reminded of how far he had come. Blaine was that piece of gold that never seemed to lose its luster.
Afterwards, as he held Blaine in his arms and pressed up against his husband's back, Sebastian relished in the even sound of Blaine's breathing. This was always one of his favorite moments, where no words needed to be spoken. They loved each other, and they would always be there for each other.
It was perfection.
"I'm glad you're not like them." Blaine said in a soft voice.
"Hm?"
"I'm glad you're nothing like those people at work." Blaine clarified. "You can be blunt and sarcastic, and sometimes you hurt people's feelings; but you're never like those people, you'd never stoop that low."
"Ah." Sebastian brushed his fingers up and down Blaine's arm absently. "And what would you do if I were like that?"
"Well, you are not." Blaine said with a note of finality. "I wouldn't have been with you if you're that kind of person."
With those words, Blaine turned his head to capture Sebastian's lips in a kiss. When they parted, Blaine had a pleased smile on his face before he settled back onto his side and cuddled up against Sebastian again. Suddenly, Sebastian realized what it was that he had sought all these years.
Acceptance for everything that was Sebastian Smythe. It was the gold of all gold.
To be able to show people who he really was, the good and the bad, and have them accept him for all of it. Throughout all these years, Sebastian had been different person to different people, doing whatever it took to achieve his latest goals and success at all cost. He never told anyone everything. It was partly because it had become a habit to pretend and to act a certain way all the time; but most importantly, it was the fact that it didn't matter what the truth about Sebastian was, perception was always reality.
Society didn't care for the backstory of anyone that it deemed to be a villain. One could be a victim but if society couldn't accept the whole truth about a person and only saw the negative, then the villain the person was. Just as the idea of popularity was based on common notion of what was good and acceptable, even if it was never true or accurate.
Society meant most people, and Blaine, the ever conformist to what was perceived as good, would be one of them.
Blaine only knew one side of Sebastian, the good side that Sebastian had allowed him to see. Blaine didn't know that the real Sebastian could be as cruel and manipulative as those people at Blaine's work place, if not more so. Blaine didn't know that Sebastian could play dirty and be ruthless. Blaine had no idea the kind of malicious thoughts that had gone through Sebastian's mind during the past three decades as he tried to continue to work his way up the social food chain, to gain more, and to get further ahead. Blaine also didn't know the insecurity and worries that would creep up on Sebastian during his darkest hours, because Sebastian Smythe never let anyone know that he had his moments.
Blaine didn't know all aspects of Sebastian.
Sebastian realized, with a sinking heart, that Blaine wouldn't be able to accept him for who he truly was; because Blaine would never understand. So there was really only one thing Sebastian could do.
Pretend.
He would continue to only show Blaine the one side of him that his husband was familiar with, the version of Sebastian Smythe that Blaine Anderson had fallen in love with. As for the rest, he would tuck it away. Sebastian surmised that it would be unrealistic to expect that he would always win the gold, and apparently the ultimate form of acceptance and understanding was the one gold that he would have to let go.
But still, Sebastian hated silver.
Because in the end, he didn't win the silver; he had lost the gold.
(END)