This is a fic for the Zosan Coffee Shop AU project on tumblr. This means, by participating, I am open to any and all constructive criticism, which is the goal of the event.
Thank you to MyLadyDay for betaing this for me you da bomb
Well, it wouldn't be the first time something white and milky was flowing out from the Marimo and into the cook. Sanji just wished it wasn't like this – or hell, in any way! He wasn't sure how he could see what was happening from all angles, but he just wanted to close his eyes and make it all go away. It didn't help he could hear Zoro's grunts and faulty attempts at holding his breath right at his ear as the liquid sloshed around.
All that was Sanji now was on fire and he was steaming, and the way that Zoro's cool came and consumed him, it wasn't something he liked to admit he even enjoyed.
"Fucking Marimo..." He gritted out, his cheeks, if he had any, would be on fucking fire. "Stop!"
There was an exasperated sigh behind him. "You think I want to do this, shit cook? The hell I would want to mix stuff into your cup."
The two Straw hat pirates were in a very interesting and unusual position indeed. It would forever go down, should they escape, as one of those experiences they wouldn't share ever around the kitchen table. Neither of them could remember exactly how it happened, but all they did know is that when they woke up this morning, fairly early, they weren't themselves.
Instead, they were inanimate objects and to make it worse, a coffee cup and it's creamer. So much for continuing to play their day by day tsundere roles, fate was practically trying to set them up now in the most horrific ways possible. Neither of them were going to live this down, that was for sure.
Zoro the creamer, a solid tiny white pitcher, still filled almost to the brim with fresh cream, despite the bit that had already dripped and mixed in with Sanji's brew, was settled down on the tray next to Sanji. The cook probably had the worst of the situation as the coffee cup, he had things being poured into him and he would be the one manhandled and drank from, should this evil person decide not to waste. At least he was a bit more fashionable than the stupid Marimo in this inanimate object form. His cup was decorated very nicely, blue swirls and flowers spanning over its sides and up its handle. But he didn't want to know if he looked nice as a coffee cup bastards, he wanted this living hell to be over with.
"I'm trying to enjoy my morning coffee," the man who had been handling them growled irritably, apparently he imagined something like a coffee version of a tea party with the Straw hat cook and swordsman would have gone a lot differently. "Could you two please stop arguing?"
They would have glared holes through his stupid skull if they could. They should stop arguing? Well maybe if they hadn't been transformed into shitty coffee cups and what not by this asshole, some peace could have been established, but for now that was definitely not going to happen.
"Choke, you asshole!" the Marimo spat and Sanji couldn't help but agree with him, he wanted this bastard dead as well. A night stuck in the cabinet with Zoro like this and now him being used like a real coffee cup? This was way past his limit.
"Turn us back or I swear to god-"
The man sighed, lightly tracing his finger around the rim of the coffee cup cook before getting up. "I think I'll just go out for coffee today."
Like Sanji and Zoro even cared for his decision of what to do, they just wanted him gone and away from them, despite if there wasn't much of a presence to them anymore. Even as tableware they had feelings and would not be exploited! But with the silence came back the awkwardness that haunted them throughout the whole night. What were Sanji and Zoro even supposed to say to each other when they couldn't even full wrap their minds around this mess.
Sanji couldn't see the Marimo literally, though he could see his new glassware shape, but heard as he cleared his throat, probably in a need to break the awkwardness. The blond was livid at him – not necessarily for being a creamer who dripped inside and violated him as half of that wasn't his fault but the reason they were here. He couldn't remember it, but dammit these types of situation were always usually started by or involved a certain directionally challenged man.
"Well Cook, this isn't the weirdest sex we've had," Zoro said rather lowly, as if to just put that out there.
Sanji would have glared at him. Hell he would've kicked his stupid face in if he could, he was so humiliated and now this guy saying something like that?
"Idiot, that wasn't sex! It's you ruining the best brew you ass wipe." There was a hiss to his voice, regardless if he didn't really care about the quality of the coffee now inside him, it was just something else to focus on instead of this screwed up reality.
"Oh shut up, dart-brow, like anyone's going to want to taste that coffee anyway."
The cook let out a huff. That was the biggest understatement he knew this kind of bastard wouldn't waste a moment to taste his inner coffee, but of course that was straying them more and more away from the main objective.
"Drop it, Marimo, we've got to figure out how to get back. I can't afford to let my precious Nami-swan and Robin-chwan see me like this!"
If Zoro had an eyebrow, it would have been suspiciously raised. "Really? So you wouldn't fantasize about your shitty Nami's lips up on your brim, licking-"
"OI!" The fancy swirly cup slightly rocked to the side, obviously part of Sanji's flustered response. "Don't you dare call Nami-swan shitty and act like she would place such angelic lips on just any cup! She's a woman of class, you Neanderthal."
"Oh so that's what she's called these days," Zoro murmured, not amused to the often but still annoying blind love the cook drenched their female crew members in.
Sanji was about to yell at him some more in response, but he was quickly silenced and given a loss for words when the bell connected to this weird ass coffee shop jingled, indicating new customers have arrived. The two captured Straw hats at that point wouldn't admit it, but they were kind of glad they looked occupied and didn't get used any further for some stranger's coffee break. However, this wasn't any stranger.
"Oi! Luffy! Robin-chan!" Sanji blurted out, his vision able to reach the sight of the door and at their two crewmates that had entered.
Luffy had barged in, his nostrils flared in a common 'searching for meat' way. If he was already that hungry, it probably didn't take any effort for Robin to coax him in here with promises of snacks. He couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but Luffy walked in a way's and Robin told him something before retreating, probably to find a ladies room.
"Luffy! Oi!" Zoro shouted out to him, much like Sanji had tried, but to no avail. It was like they couldn't hear them at all. "Tch... Great, they can't hear us. How the hell else are we supposed to even get out of here? Cook, spill over or something."
"And risk falling over and shattering into millions of pieces and dying? No, thank you, Marimo, but by all means help yourself."
They both shared a sigh and glanced back toward the door and held their breath. If someone were to think Luffy's wide eyed stare was something unsettling before, being something as small as glassware looking up at him from the table was fairly startling. Especially since they weren't expecting to see him there, peering down at them so innocently with his head cocked to one side.
"Coffee?" Luffy rambled to himself, reaching out and wrapping his elastic fingers around Sanji's handle. The cook's eyes would have been wide.
"Oi, oi, oi!" Sanji started. Surely Luffy wasn't going to really just start drinking out of him, was he?! "Oi! Luffy! Don't you dare, you shitty rubberband, or so help me- Fuck! Marimo do something!"
If there was anything coming from the other that shared his situation, it was a badly hidden laughter. "Sorry, cook, I'm just a creamer. Good luck."
Good luck? Good luck! That's all he could say while Sanji was about to be used by their Captain who was often known to accidentally find out he ate dishware whole in trips to the infirmary. The unfortunate cook could only hold his tongue and try to be silent and not give into the weird feeling that was being angled and having the warm liquid that felt so right and comfortable inside him ease out into Luffy's mouth.
That didn't last too long thankfully, Luffy making a disappointed noise and pulled Sanji away quickly, almost too fast as Sanji felt a bit dizzy, and placed him back down. Their captain scowled then and looked over toward Zoro.
"Oh fuck no-"
"Needs more cream," Luffy decided, grabbing his handle next.
Sanji really wanted to laugh at him, to point out this was his turn and he was getting a taste of the medicine, except for the fact there was only one place Zoro's cream could go. Of all the people in the world to find them and not know what they were, why did it have to be Luffy?
The cook could only brace once more as the earlier action of sweetening coffee came into play and the oozing liquid from Zoro came back and colored Sanji's several shades lighter. The blond was definitely not proud of noises heard, but at least could rejoice in the fact he wasn't the only one having them and would be humiliated.
"Dammit... He'd going to use the whole damn thing." A slightly exhausted, cause he didn't easily show that side to him, Zoro cursed.
Sanji wasn't that surprised. Of course, this was their captain, he wanted nothing more but to have things in great quantities. The cook was just flustered however because he wasn't exactly sure how much of Zoro's sweetener he could hold.
Luffy stopped when Sanji's contents were practically at the rim and a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder. Then the captain smiled at his archeologist.
"Look Robin, coffee. Here, it's really bad," he said contently, as if giving up on it already since it wasn't the good try and he wasn't too excited about trying it after adding so much cream. Sanji wanted to mince him, he didn't have bad coffee unless someone made him that way!
Robin raised an eyebrow, but her face still held a gentle smile and she gently took the swirly cup from her captain. "Thank you," she purred, looking down at the coffee inside. She wasn't stupid, of course, who knew what odd things her captain had put into it, but still wouldn't be so rude as to just place down what she'd been given.
Instead she raised Sanji in her hands a little higher and tilted her head to be able to get a good look at the designs on the side. Lightly she brushed a finger on the crafted swirls on the outside.
"What a beautiful coffee cup, these swirls remind me of… oh my," her voice trailed off and she glanced back up at its contents, a sparkle of curiosity appearing in her eye at the fact the coffee seemed to slightly actually boil to the compliment.
Luffy, who had found a tray of snacks related to coffee, had his cheeks filled when he turned to look, having heard Robin's sentence dramatically change. Not even minding his matters or the crumbs that came out when he spoke, he had to ask, though it was far less understandable. "Reminds you of what?"
"Luffy, do you remember where Sanji and Zoro went off to before they went missing?" Robin asked calmly, cuffing her hand around the cup and easing it back down close to the exhausted creamer.
Luffy just shrugged. "Sanji said he was getting stuff for coffee," he muttered in between chews again before forcefully sending it down his throat in a comical matter. "And Zoro followed cause he likes walking behind and watching his butt."
There was a beginning to a sentence from Sanji, but Zoro quickly shot him down and insisted with a curse he not even say a word at this point.
"Wasn't this the only coffee shop on the island?" Robin furthered questioned, waiting to get the nod or some sort of Luffy verification before continuing. "In that case I believe we've found them."
Luffy stared at her confused. "Eh? Where?"
"I think you've just drank out of them, Luffy."
Both set of eyes glanced back down to the dishes on the tray. Sanji's cup was still lightly shivering, granted he had reason to be a little shaken up and pissed. Zoro just sighed.
"At least they found us?" He tried to suggest, maybe in hopes to making the cook feel better.
"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him, then you, got that?"
"That's what you always say, cook. Just be thankful now you don't have a sore ass."
Luffy, realizing the situation now swallowed thickly and hovered his hands out above his inanimate nakama. "Sanji? Zoro?" It wasn't like he was expecting a real reply, but felt the need to say their names anyway.
Before he could grab them and do whatever genius plan he could to 'turn' them back however, the back door to the café opened and the son of a bitch that made them this way was surprised to see he had customers. Quickly he stepped over to them and his eyes darted to the tray Luffy was going for. As if it wasn't obvious enough his urgency to get his new toy cups away, he grabbed the tray and pulled it back.
"Ah, I'm so sorry that I didn't come to greet you sooner. How can I help you two this evening?" he said innocently enough, beginning to move the other things on the tray that weren't Zoro and Sanji around as if for clean-up.
"Actually," Robin chimed, reaching out to playfully link a finger in between Sanji's handle. "We were looking at this coffee set. It's quite beautiful, do you think you can part with it? I do believe they have something to do with a few of our friends."
The coffee man wore his most confused face. "This old set? No, there's no way this could be in connection with your friend's you see-" He paused only to grab the coffee cup and pull it away and out of Robin's grasp. "- this is an old family heirloom passed down generation to generation of coffee shop owners."
"Where's Sanji and Zoro?" Luffy demanded, not totally convinced they were coffee cups, but got a bad enough vibe from this guy he knew he'd know something.
The guy just shook his head, reaching out and picking up the creamer and the coffee cup. "I assure you honestly I don't know anything about your friends and these definitely have nothing to do with them." Unfortunately for him, in his distraction of trying to convince them it wasn't their friends, he did the exact opposite.
Not paying attention he stacked the small creamer inside the coffee cup. It was only when a bright light flashed that he realized what he'd done, undoing his cruel devil fruit trick, but already it was too late. The table the coffee set had been on creaked and the legs of the table scooted against the floor as a heavy weight was placed on it. Robin took a step back, out of the way but still watching curiously and Luffy stood his ground, watching intently until he could make out the figures and the spots on their eyes were fading, showing the whole image.
Then, he grinned happily before laughing his ass off. "Zoro! Sanji!"
The swordsman and cook didn't dare move a muscle. It was already extremely weird to go from hardly any senses or body to back to normal, especially in this way. The feeling of being full didn't retreat for Sanji, instead he felt it accompanied by the weight of the Marimo on his back. Their warm skin crawled to the cold air, and the white cream and coffee trails that streamed down and along their bodies.
Of all the ways to be turned back, in front of their crew no less, this was the absolute worst. This also was not the way he wanted to come out to either Luffy – though he probably knew – and precious Robin-chan. Why did they have to turn back like this?! His face was on fire and as soon as the shock wore off several seconds later, he was butt naked and flailing, demanding the swordsman pull out at once.
Robin, who raised her hand to her mouth in the surprise, politely looked away and gave them the privacy and over to the coffee shop man. "You may want to run now."