Title: Somebody's Fault
Author: AlexCabotIsQueen
Summary: Written from Maureen Stabler's POV. A small vacation at home brings more to light than one could imagine. Almost too much to bear.
Eh….it's four A.M.? I really REALLY hate vacations. Why…oh why didn't I just stay at the dorms instead of coming home to Queens? Cause I'm a sucker for free food and free laundry. Well, it can be so noisy sometimes…but it's home, in all it's whacked out glory. And this. This is MY room. HA. I'm just glad Dad and Mom kept my room just the way I've always had it. Maybe it was in hopes I would stay here, and not in the city. Have the family all together…for the most part. almost works.
I've got so many memories in this room, this house. Like, Christmas…Easter…confirmation….graduation. But the best stuff is my brother and sisters. I remember Kathleen and I and all those "talks" we had. Me teaching her how to be a "big sister"….ha….funny thing is I've always been the one they all come to.
Truth be told, I miss Liz and Dickie most of all. Even those video games…and Liz trying to get me to do her hair. God, I used to hate that, but now I kinda miss it. Guess that's part of growing up.
What is all that freakin' noise? No wonder I can't sleep! I swear if Dickie's in the fridge and got all clumsy. Oh, hell with it. I'll go check it out. God, Dad must be really rubbin' off on me.
Hey…at least I'll always look cute if someone ever breaks in….quietly down the stairs…
WHOA! That's not my brother…what in the blue hell, well…maybe I could just listen for a second…..
"What in God's name would you like me to do Kath? Quit? You know that's not going to happened."
"No Elliot. Just come home at a decent hour. And don't even start that crap about the case load and the hours…."
"Well, you know. Rapists and pedophiles don't really work nine to five."
Nice one Dad. Crap, I can't see anything…and I really need to hear this…gotta get closer….
"That's real cute. Hey, you know what else I would love? For YOU to get a new partner!"
Ouch. Mom, let's try and keep the gloves up. Uh oh. Now he's pissed.
"Don't. You dare bring her into this. Kathy, please. She's my partner. I would never do that to you, to us. It's against everything I promised you in front of God…."
"Please, El. Lie to yourself, but don't lie to me. I've seen the way you look at her. You might as well have just screwed her brains out on a daily basis. Tell me…you confess that…does God know you look at another woman the way you USED to look at me!"
Olivia? She is pretty…but Dad couldn't ever…I know he wouldn't…and besides, he's more of a blonde guy. Wonder if they've seen me yet…oh, guess not….
"Oh, so, now we're talking about confession? I'm a sinner…I've done many a wrong thing, but adultery isn't one of them. Olivia Benson is a beautiful woman, I can't deny that. But that's it. Never looked at her in any other way than I would my own sister."
Alright! Go Dad! Mom can be such a total bitch sometimes.
"Good. At least I got that out of you. But, you know….I've made some big mistakes, too."
This can't be good….
"Kat. Don't go down this road."
"Too late. Already been down it…not afraid. My BIGGEST mistake….letting some hot, sweet blue-eyed boy into giving up my virginity…and SURPRISE! I end up pregnant! Wow, shocker."
"Stop it now Kathy. I'm warning you."
"…but NO! See, then to top it off, I marry him! And I find that fairy tales are just a load of crap, they don't come true!"
They don't even see me standing here, do they? I don't even believe she's saying this…
"And that if it wasn't for ONE BIG mistake, I could have saved myself twenty years of grief!"
Okay…enough…"Oh. So I'm a mistake."
"Maureen? Baby girl…how long…"
"Long enough Dad. Gee, Mom. sniffle, Glad to know that you can't be adult enough to accept responsibility for your actions. Guess, I'm you penance for that sin huh? Well, always gotta be someone's fault but you own."
I have to get out of here….tears streaming down my face…I hate crying…so pathetic.
Outside. I can breathe. In my yard. I gotta get out of here…wait, Dad?
"Baby girl, please. Just…let me explain." Grabs my arm to stop me, pretty brave.
"Let go of me, Daddy. I meant it."
"No, you need to understand…."
Without even thinking, I swing. I can feel his face under my knuckles. Holy Mother, I just punched him…I punched my daddy. And…I made him bleed. "Oh God, I'm sorry…so sorry…"
Thank God he still wants to hold me and make it all better. Somehow, no matter what, in his arms, all pain is gone. When I was little and I would fall off my bike or the monkey bars, the only thing in the whole world that could make me feel better was my daddy's arms. Even as I got older….nightmares, a bad grade or two…millions of break ups…my dad holding is the only thing that would make me feel better. But, I need to get this out, all of it. But this, is harsh. God, I hate crying like this…I'm shaking cause I'm so upset.
"Dad? Did…did Mom mean all that? That…I'm a mistake? Are you sorry you had me…that I'm here?"
"Sweetheart. Your Mom's very angry…but that doesn't give her the right to say those things."
"But why would she say that if she didn't mean it?" His silence means he's searching for an answer he either doesn't know, or doesn't want to say. " I mean, all those psychology classes tell me that all that stuff, is just her sub-conscious talking…so, somewhere deep down, she thinks I'm a mistake. That my existence is what makes her life suck. That it's my fault that you two got married at all."
"Maureen…"
"Let me finish. She blames you for getting her pregnant. I'm almost positive she blame the Church for not allowing birth control, so that's where I come in. She even blames your job…and Olivia for God's sake, for why your marriage isn't right. Heaven forbid something is harder than you thought it ever would be."
"That's not true. Your mother and I….we're just , someplace different…."
"Dad. I still maybe your baby girl, but I'm not a child, alright? I know you and Mom aren't exactly poster children for a perfect marriage. I know how much you guys fight. I try and protect Kat, Liz, and Dickie from it…I just say that you guy are cranky and fighting because it's easier to set each other off when your tired from work."
"You shouldn't have to cover for us. It's not fair."
"It's not. But, but I need to you know? I'm the oldest. It's my job to care for them if you guys can't. I wanna keep them protected from what could be painful."
"Now you know what I go through." Wipes away my tears. Silently comforting me…
"You're a good dad. Really. I just think you should know that. I mean, you miss a lot of stuff but you have to with work and all. You have to support all of us."
"You don't have to say that Maureen."
"Yeah, I do. And, uh, as weird as this may sound or at the risk of making your head explode, if I ever get married…I hope to God that I can find a man who is as loving, dedicated, caring, and faithful as you are to Mom."
Ah yes, stunned silence. He just doesn't know what to say. I can see it in his eyes. That and maybe, oh, tears…that threaten to fall.
"No matter what Mom says or thinks about you and Olivia, I know you love Mom and would never cheat on her. You could never hurt her, hurt all of us like that."
"How'd you get so smart anyway….and when did you grow up?"
"Smart, that's hereditary. Grow up? ME? Please, I still eat ice cream for lunch…mainly cause I can't use the stove worth a crap."
There's that smile. Same smile I always use to get my way. You know, I don't see him smile often enough.
"I'll have to agree about the stove part. But I have to take some of the blame for the ice cream. Never should have started you on that."
"Yeah…but you can't say no to this face. I know your weakness. Alright…what's up…just whatever your thinking, ask it already."
"Did, uh, you really mean that you hope to marry a man like me? I'm not exactly perfect…."
"Nobody's perfect. But you're a good Catholic man…I know…that's like more important than anything. And you're a good father. You set a good example. I'm blessed to have such a good man in my life." Tension…need to break it. "Plus, my friends say you're pretty hot for a Dad or whatever."
Well, that was a nice laugh. "Really?"
"Hey. I never said you were or not. All my friends say that you're, and I quote, totally hot. That they don't see why Mom is so up tight with a body like that to have at night. Which by the way, ewww, gross."
"Well, I do work out."
"DAD! Please, I'm getting sick over here."
"At least now I know why all your friends want to hang out over here. Hey, I know. Maybe you can call them up…a bunch of us are getting together to play football Saturday…no shirts…"
"DAD!"
"And, uh, Sandoval…Mike, he's invited. I'm pretty sure he's gonna be there…"
"Oh, young guy. Narcotics, Manhattan North. Really, really cute?"
"Don't know about the cute part. But yeah, he's single and…well, Catholic."
"Dad, are you trying to hook me up?"
"Maybe. And maybe Olivia's in on it too."
"I'm not that desperate. I can get my own boyfriends you know."
"I know, but they're usually losers…no jobs, no education…probably violent. Mike's a good guy. Good job, well educated, and he respects woman. I like him. I'd be okay with you two dating."
"Okay huh? Even though he's not white?"
"I'm not a racist Maureen. If you guys really hit if off and have real feelings for each other…color, ethnic background, shouldn't tell you who to love. Nothing can tell you that. And believe me, trying to stop loving someone you really care about….almost too much to bear."
That's what this is about…love? Is he worried that Mom…doesn't love him…or…
"Maureen. Don't look at me like that. I know that look works."
"What? You interrogate me all the time. Why not turn the tables?"
"Because. I don't like to be interrogated. sigh. But you're not dropping this are you?"
"Nope. Learned from the best."
"Flattery will get you everywhere. Ask it."
"Are you and Mom breaking up? And more importantly why?"
Dropping his head, that's doubt. But those eyes tell me what the truth is…
"Honestly baby girl. I don't know if we are or even why. Maybe if I could work less, maybe if I could just talk about work."
"Dad. Wallowing in self pity, so not you. And you know none of that would matter. Besides, I saw your work once and I still have nightmares."
"Well, whatever happens, I want you to know, none of it will be your fault. None of you. If your mother and I decide that we can't be together anymore, I need you to make sure your sisters and brother know the truth…I need you to make sure that they'll be okay. You need to be there for them."
He almost sounds like this is done. Holy Mother, I hope not. "Children are remarkably resilient, you know."
"I know."
"So, don't worry about us. If it happens, we'll be there for each other. And I promise I'll hold them together. Kinda my place."
"It is."
"More importantly, I'll be there for you."
"I don't need…."
"Daddy. Please. If that happens, you'll be alone for the first time in twenty years. You'll need someone to catch you when you fall. I'm gonna be that person. Consider it payback for all those times you caught me…every skinned knee, every bruise….and every broken heart. Wow, taking care of you….guess that means I'm growing up, huh?"
"Nah. Just means your getting older. And lemme tell ya, it's doesn't get any easier. And, uh, thank you. It's good to know."
"You're welcome, Daddy."
"So, Mike…can I tell you you'll be there?"
"Oh yeah! Hey…maybe I can play, you know…get him to tackle me."
"Maureen Gabrielle Stabler. I don't believe you."
"You're right. I don't play football. And I was kidding."
"Don't kid like that. You'll give your old man a heart attack."
"Sorry…but still, the look on your face."
Another hug. It's so nice. "I love you Maureen. Even before you were born and every moment since."
"I love you too Daddy."
He stokes my hair and kisses my forehead. Just to know I'm okay. "Ready to go back in, sweetheart? Getting' cold out here."
"Probably colder inside, but yeah…sorta."
He helps my to my feet and takes me by the hand and leads me back inside…I just can't believe her talking…too late….
"Maureen. Honey…I…."
"Save it Mom."
Dad to save the day. "Kathy…don't. WE need to have a nice long talk. Later."
He almost forces me up the stairs and back to my room. I can't believe this night. "Dad…I'm just not ready to forgive her for that. Not just yet."
"That's okay. You've got every right to be angry. And forgiveness shouldn't be easy."
"Yeah, tell me about it. Uh, Dad? This gonna sound crazy, but could you tuck me in? Like when I was little…."
"Of course."
He picks me up and carries me to my bed. "You'll throw your back out carrying my fat ass."
"Language. And you weigh what….105 pounds? Fat…please."
He puts me into bed and pulls the blanket around me and sits down. "You need anything else princess?"
"You haven't called me that since I was like, seven."
"I know…but I felt it was warranted. You know, you get more beautiful and wise every day. I'm so proud of you…and I'm very sorry you have to witness this…this mess."
"I know. I've been asking questions all night…you got any for me?" This could be a really bad idea.
"Well, since potential heartbreak has been the topic of choice…whatever happened to that last boyfriend of yours…Paul was it?"
"Yeah…and it's been a long time since….but he was my last boyfriend, so to say."
"Well…he didn't just fall off the face of the Earth."
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Try me."
Sigh. "Okay, here goes. I loved Paul…he was uber cute and a good Catholic. That's two out of three. So we were making out…and all of a sudden… he pushes me away. Says what we were doing was wrong…that the temptation was too great. And I say what….then he goes on to tell me that we couldn't go out anymore."
"Because you made him think sinful thoughts?"
"Kinda. He then tells me that he can't be in love with me. And I'm all like, what. Which really sucked by the way. BUT the best part of it is…he drops a bombshell….he says he's decided that God called him to become a priest."
"Wow. Guess he must have been so worried that he could never find another woman as wonderful as you that he could devote himself to God and never worry about woman again."
"I guess that's one way to look at it."
"But what are the odds I'm right?"
"Sure whatever."
"I'm your father, don't talk back." I roll my eyes in disgust. "So you want me to ask Mike if he's ever considered the priesthood?"
"DAD!"
"Kidding. But the look on your face."
"I deserve that."
"Yes. Yes you do. Well…I've got another sleepless night ahead of me and you've got beauty rest to catch. Like you need it." He kisses me on the forehead. "G'night princess. I love you."
Instead of returning the kiss to his cheek, I do something I haven't done in years. I kiss him on the lips. "I love you too. G'night."
He smiles, turns off the light and leaves my room, closing the door behind him. And now, as I drift off to sleep, I pray for understanding, for myself…for my parents. Maybe they'll work it out. And maybe they just can't. Only God knows for sure. All I ask is that it gets fixed, and soon. But, enough…time for more pleasant things.
Hmm, Saturday….football…. Mike….
The end.
Sorry it's so long...just kinda flowed together.