Author's Note: This is silly and completely non-canon compliant and possibly a bit cracky and everyone lives, but it's April Fools and Easter and I just couldn't resist!
Easter Fools
Severus Snape awoke to find a large Easter basket by his bed where his alarm clock normally sat. Unfortunately for him, the gaudy paper mache egg nestled in the center was right within touching distance, so, as Severus groggily turned over to shut off his alarm, he found his hand pressing against the egg, (which actually was ringing, as his alarm clock was nowhere to be seen).
There was a click, and Severus' eyes went wide as he realized his error. With a shrill whine and a bang, the egg burst open, shooting a cornucopia of confetti, coloured chalk and glitter all over the bed (and by extension, himself).
With a shout of fury, Severus sprang from the bed, letting a stream of curses slip through his lips as he barreled into the bathroom to wash his face. When he looked up, his eyes still stinging from the glitter, he saw that he still had a rather large trail of glitter smattered on the tip of his nose and across one cheek, and he bent down to scrub his face again until it was bright red with irritation, but thankfully clean. A long, furry ears twitched with irritation and he furrowed his eyebrows.
Wait, what?!
Desperately, Severus grasped the mirror and tilted it up to reveal a set of long, black bunny ears sticking out the top of his head. Slowly, he reached up and tentatively touched one. The fur was unspeakably soft. He tried yanking one a bit, only to wince at the pain of it. They were obviously attached to his head. The ears drooped down, and he scowled at them as though daring them to stand up again.
Up they sprang, and no matter what he did, Severus could not keep them back down again.
He swore quite a lot after that.
"Oi, Ron! They got you too?" Harry nearly fell off his bed laughing at the long, bright red-furred lop ears hanging down either sides of Ron's head. They were so long that Ron kept tripping on them and falling over.
"They're my brothers. They made sure to extra-get me," Ron grumbled. "I hate sleeping at the Burrow for family reunions for many reasons, but this is the main one."
Harry looked in the mirror at his short black-and-white furred ears and marveled at how one stuck out to the side while the other stuck straight up, and no matter what he did, they seemed to stay that way. "I quite fancy them, actually," he said, grinning in the mirror and then tucking into the rest of the chocolates and goodies inside of his basket.
"Aren't you afraid that they're prank chocolates?" Ron asked.
"I like to live dangerously," Harry replied casually. "After all, I did defeat Voldemort."
"Touché," Ron replied, chomping on a chocolate frog and hoping for the best.
"RON AND HARRY, YOU'D BETTER BE DECENT BECAUSE I'M COMING UP!" Hermione's shrill voice echoed so loudly that they could hear her from the bottom of the stairs.
Moments later, she crashed through the door. "And what," she said, pointing to the curly, brown angora ears sticking out of her hair, "is the meaning of this?!"
Ron shrugged, his mouth half-full of chocolate frog. "Why would you think I would have anything to do with it? It was the twins that did it. I got 'em too."
Hermione stared at his floor-length ears, her anger knocked out of her by the sheer surprise of seeing his condition. "B-but why?!"
"Easy," Harry said with a smile, "It's their birthday. And it's technically Easter too, so I suppose they wanted to try out something appropriate for both holidays."
"You knew it was their birthday?" Ron asked, looking impressed.
"I've been sending them birthday presents since first year, you know," Harry replied with a shrug. "They've helped me out more than you know."
"And Weasley's Wizard Wheezes wouldn't be in business if you hadn't donated your earnings from the Triwizard Tournament," Hermione said sagely.
Harry shrugged again. "Honestly, I didn't want any of that damned money. I felt so responsible for getting us both in danger. Cedric was adamant that we split it, though."
"I want to hate him for getting on the Chudley Cannons and living the quidditch dream, but he's just so damn good at it that I can't even be mad," Ron said dreamily.
"You'll see your husband soon enough," Hermione replied, rolling her eyes.
"Sounds like someone is bitter about being alone on Easter," Ron replied, sticking out his tongue.
"As usual, you don't know what you're talking about, Ron," Hermione said, her voice sharp with hurt as she ran ahead. "I'm going to go help Fleur with the children."
When Harry and Ron finally made their way down (Harry had to help Ron wrap his absurdly long ears around his head much like a furry turban, but they kept slipping out), they found that they weren't the only ones affected by the Weasley Twins' marvelous prank. Molly Weasley had her ears tied together with a ribbon to keep them out of the soup she was stirring. Arthur Weasley had his ears wrapped multiple times in Muggle hair curlers and was apparently wrapping them in twine to force them to stay in place. Bill was "steering" his youngest daughter through the hallway by her ears as she giggled wildly. James and Al were pulling on each other's ears and wincing and then daring the other to pull harder. Lily had a rabbit costume that she was very proud of, and they watched as Ginny charmed the fur on the costume to match their daughter's reddish-brown ears.
"Hello there, honey bunny," Ginny said, standing and wrapping her finger around one of Harry's ears to pull him closer to her. Ron blushed and looked away as Ginny kissed her husband.
"Is everything ready for the party?" Harry asked.
"Oh, you know mum," Ginny replied, rolling her eyes, her flaming red ears flopping around her cheeks. down. "She's been up since the crack of dawn baking. I think she got her ears first, but she didn't even miss a beat. She's that used to their shenanigans."
"Where are the twins, then? I'd like to have a word with them about these monstrosities," Ron asked. "And have you heard from Cedric?"
"I couldn't tell you where the twins are," Ginny replied, arching an eyebrow, "but even if I could, you couldn't make me. Also, Cedric sent an owl. He's not going to be able to make it."
Ginny suddenly coughed loudly and her face grew scarlet to the point that Harry summoned a glass from the kitchen with his wand and filled it with water.
"Oh, thank you for that," Ginny said hoarsely. "Must have gotten something stuck in my throat. Now you two shoo before Mum puts you to work. There's breakfast in the back garden."
Ron looked at her oddly for a moment before grabbing Harry by the sleeve and pulling him along towards the door.
The back garden had been rebuilt after the war to support a huge gazebo and overhanging trellis, which was covered with purple flowers that hung down like clusters of grapes. Happy honey bees buzzed cheerfully around the flowers, but did not bother the occupants below thanks to some intricate charmwork by Fleur Weasley. Under the trellis was a long wooden table, which had been covered with a decorative lace tablecloth and plates of all manner of hearty breakfast foods. Ron let out a cry of delight and sprinted towards the table, while Harry lingered behind, looking at all of the people out and about in the beautiful terraced garden. Many of the professors from Hogwarts had already arrived. Minerva McGonagall was spreading marmalade on toast while chatting with Pomona Sprout, and even a grumpy-looking Argus Filch sat in the corner peeling an apple and feeding bits of breakfast banger to Mrs Norris.
Of course, the second thing he noticed was that, without exception, every single one of them was sporting a pair of bunny ears the same colour as their respective hair.
"My boy!" A familiar voice shocked Harry out of his reverie and he turned, his eyes growing like saucers behind his glasses. There stood Albus Dumbledore with his crooked nose and twinkling eyes and two, snow-white bunny ears that he'd braided into his beard. His hair shimmered with a rainbow of colourful glitter, and his ears were similarly dusted with the stuff. "I see you've got an earful as well!"
"They are quite soft," Harry admitted, touching one of his ears and feeling a little weird when the sensation of being poked registered in his mind.
"Oh, well, between you and I, it is rather fitting, what with today being Easter!" Dumbledore replied with a warm smile.
"I suppose so, sir," Harry said, feeling a bit awkward. Even though he'd been a man for quite some time, he always felt a bit like a kid around Albus, especially since he was fairly certain that the wizard was quite a lot older than anyone else he knew.
"Well, then, off I go like the happiest little honey bee!" Dumbledore said, making wing motions with his hands. "Buzz, buzz!"
He fluttered around with his cartoonish display, which drew the younger children to him, and soon they were all buzzing about with their bunny ears flying back behind their heads as they ran.
In the freshly-painted gazebo, Luna Lovegood was dancing with her husband Rolf, their rabbit ears intertwined the same way as their fingers were to a song that apparently only the two of them could hear. They looked dreamily into one another's eyes while they moved about the wooden stage, their respective gazes only for one another. Nearby, Xenophilius was showing a dirigible plum to his twin grandsons, their ears pricked and interested as he tossed the odd fruit into the air and then whistled at it to make it descend.
Nearby, Colin Creevey was taking glam shots against a shimmery backdrop that made Harry wonder if they were back at a Hogwarts dance, but he was struggling to keep the tips of his ears from drooping into the shot. His brother was setting up the costumes and kept tangling his ears in the clothes hangers. Both were laughing uproariously at the other, which seemed to be putting out the photo subjects quite a lot. Lavender and Parvati sat on a bench dressed up in sparkling dresses, their ears obscured by large hats with rather ugly-looking fake flowers attached to them, but Lavender's ears kept springing free from one side of her hat and Parvati had to tuck them back in, giving her an excuse to kiss Lavender on the forehead.
"I'm going to have an embarrassing mark on my forehead if you keep doing that!" Lavender squeaked.
"You'll still be beautiful to me, wifey-poo," Parvati replied, patting Lavender on her hand, which bore a new diamond ring.
Harry felt someone poke him on the shoulder and turned just as Lavender made a squeaky protest about her cutesy nickname.
"Hello, Potter," Draco Malfoy said, looking at Harry with a bit of a sneer on his face.
"Malfoy," Harry replied with a nod, looking up at the white-blond rabbit ears bobbing over Draco's head.
"You too, eh?" Malfoy said, covering his mouth and trying to hide his laughter. "I...I really tried...hahaha...to...hold it back...ehehehe..Merlin's trousers, Harry, you look ridiculous with the one ear going like that, and one going like this and—"
"Well, at least we're not the only ones," Harry replied, shrugging.
"The beard is looking good," Draco said, "I'm jealous. The most I can manage is a bit of peach fuzz that looks like it was transplanted from the chin of a goat."
Harry laughed and shook his head. "Well, not all of us can manage perfectly sleek hair at all times. Or at any times," he said, pointing at his crazy head of hair.
"Well, you've got me there," Draco said with a laugh of his own.
"And how's Scorpius? As rabbit-eared as the rest of us?" Harry asked.
"He's around here somewhere. Was pleased as a puffskein this morning, but terrified of me finding out. The look on his face when he saw me sporting a pair of my own was priceless."
"How's Astoria doing?" Harry knew that Draco's wife had been in ill health lately, which was a constant sense of anxiety for everyone in the Malfoy household.
"She's been helping Molly in the kitchen for most of the morning. The Medi Witches at St. Mungo's say that as long as she doesn't exert herself too much that she should be fine, but...let's just say that I'm looking into a second opinion."
"A snarky opinion?" Harry asked, arching an eyebrow.
"The snarkiest," Draco replied with a mysterious smirk. "Now, you'd better go and get something to eat or Molly will be on the warpath again about you starving your short, scrawny self."
"I am not scrawny!" Harry exclaimed, making a face. "And I am most certainly not short!"
"Suit yourself, Potter," Draco replied mischievously, "but you're still looking up to me."
Harry grumbled something under his breath and ran off to fix himself some food.
Hermione was used to worrying about nearly everyone in her life, but at the moment, she was worrying about someone who she'd never known the reason to worry about in all of her life.
Other than him, she was recently most worried about Molly and her fatigue, for she wasn't as young as she used to be, yet she always seemed to be requesting entire gaggles of her grandchildren and adoptive grandchildren over to the Burrow each weekend.
"It's really no trouble, Hermione," Molly had said, the last time, but Hermione had felt incredible guilt, especially since she knew that the Weasley matriarch had hoped that she and Ron would work out.
Hermione knew better. Ron had been writing to Cedric ever since fourth year, when Cedric had graduated at the top of the class. They'd finally moved in together not long after Voldemort fell for good. Even though his work at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes wasn't as glamorous as being the star captain and the heart of the Chudley Cannons, Ron was satisfied with his career. He and Cedric had adopted three orphaned children and Ron was such a good father to them that sometimes Hermione wondered what it would have been like if things had been different.
Hermione smiled a bit sadly as she thought of how quickly the time was passing. Her own children were already at Hogwarts, and sometimes when she came home to a quiet house, she would sink into a funk and it wouldn't be until her husband got home and turned all the lights on and caught her hibernating under a blanket on the couch that he'd tell her she was being silly and ask her to come help cook supper with him. Usually, he was home before she was, but lately, that too had changed, and Hermione felt the sour twist of anxiety in her belly as she wondered if maybe it wasn't just his current project that was keeping him away for such long hours.
She'd barely seen her own son and daughter at the Annual Burrow Spring break retreat, either, but that was to be expected. Most of the kids were old enough to take care of themselves, so they all stayed together in the large den room that had been added around the time the back garden was being fixed up. There was plenty of room for sleeping bags and an impromptu game of Exploding Snap, or a round of gobstones. The kids mostly policed each other out of habit due to years of living at Hogwarts, though Teddy was the undisputed king of the room, as he was the oldest. He'd gotten far more responsible in the past year now that he was nearing graduation, and she was glad that both of his parents had survived to watch him grow up, though Tonks had lost some of her metamorphmagus abilities due to scarring from her injuries.
Really, it would be a perfect day, if only…
"Hey everybody! He's here!"
At the sound of Ginny's excited voice, Hermione's heart sped up despite her better judgement.
Everyone's heads turned to look at the back door, which burst open to reveal—
—Cedric Diggory.
Ron's ears, which had nearly slipped out of their turban shape, flew loose and they flew out behind him as he ran full-tilt and Cedric caught him in his arms, spun him around and kissed him like something out of the Muggle movies.
"I love the new look, love," Cedric said, running his fingers through Ron's ears, and Ron thumped his foot on the ground in a rather endearing manner that made Harry think of a certain rabbit in an animated film he'd watched on VHS one of those times that the Dursleys had left him alone at home.
Cedric had honey-coloured lop ears hanging down on both sides of his head, but they were only down to the small of his back. "I guess you've finally outdone me, eh?"
"Well, you do know what they say about a bloke with big ears," Ron replied with a wink and the adults who were close enough to hear it laughed appreciatively.
Hermione's shoulders slumped as she made her way back to the hidden bench in the back of the garden. Suddenly, she didn't want to see everyone else having so much fun. It filled her with an ugly angry feeling that she knew that none of them deserved.
An owl flew down with the Daily Prophet tied to its leg and landed next to her, and Hermione sighed. Even when she wanted to be alone, it seemed that Fate had other ideas.
"Here you go," she said, pulling out a bit of charred newt and stroking the owl's feathers gently as she took the paper and looked at it.
"Fluffy Fiasco! Bunny Ears Pop Up Across the Wizarding World!" read the headline. Hermione rolled her eyes. It was just like the twins to celebrate their birthday in the most absurd way possible.
"I see that you were not immune to the plural Weasley menace," a familiar voice said from behind her and she froze, the paper dropping from her hands. The owl startled and took off in a flurry of feathers, sparing a dirty look back at the shadowy figure standing by the back garden gate.
"Severus? Is that truly you?" She turned to stare at him, her fingers shaking as she tried to stop herself from reaching out to grab the hem of his robes.
"No. I'm a ghost or perhaps a very good hallucination. It's the only possible explanation for why I am here talking to you with these godawful things attached to my person," Severus drawled, pulling back the hood over his head to reveal that he too had a pair of fine, fluffy black rabbit ears.
"You really shouldn't joke about being dead, Severus. For all I've seen of you the past few weeks, you might have been dead in a ditch and I wouldn't have known." Hermione squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself not to tear up and show him what a selfish jerk she'd been for missing him so much.
"Hermione, you know I didn't mean i-oof!" Severus grunted as she barreled into him and wrapped her arms around him tightly, her face buried in his robes.
"I'm sorry, Severus. I'm sorry for being a jerk, for missing the children, for missing you, for being so goddamn furious when Cedric arrived and swept Ron off his feet but you never even left me a note to tell me if you'd be coming today, and—"
Severus frowned and held out a hand to stop her. "Wait, wait, wait. Slow down there a moment, Hermione. I did leave you a note. In an envelope. On the kitchen table."
Hermione thought back. There had been an envelope, but it hadn't been addressed to anyone. "I didn't know it was for me."
"Well who-bloody-else would it have been for?" Severus replied, exasperated. His bunny ears drooped down as though they were depressed. "We're the only ones in the house now, except for Crookshanks, and he doesn't read letters; he eats them."
Hermione let out a soft snort of laughter. "You wouldn't believe what he did to my first draft treatise on lawn gnome rights."
"I'm sure it wouldn't be surprising, if that's what you mean," Severus drawled, running his fingers through her hair reassuringly.
"I've missed this," Hermione sighed, listening to the rumble of his voice as it vibrated in his chest.
"As have I, but there is some good news all round," Severus replied, tipping up her chin and kissing her soundly. "I shall explain presently, but first we must join the others."
He tried to pull the hood over his head again, but Hermione wasn't having it. "Oh no you don't! It's part of the holiday spirit!" Her ears twitched as though in agreement.
"Please, kill me now," Severus said miserably, but he kept the hood off.
"Attention everyone!" Severus said loudly, as they entered the main garden green. "I would like to announce something very important!"
His severe, deep baritone carried with it an authority honed by years of teaching dunderheads how not to blow themselves up in Potions class, and Hermione found herself hanging back to give him space to make his announcement. Soon, even the children's' voices faded as everyone went quiet to let Severus speak.
"As you all know, I've been working on a very important potion these past few years," Severus began, "from research to development to execution. Sometimes I've had to take breaks for things such as my wedding day, honeymoon, the birth of my children, and the like. You know. Important life things, or so I've been told."
A few people chuckled at his deadpan humor, but soon went silent as he motioned to speak once more.
"I've been spending every waking moment of my life perfecting this potion and I am delighted to announce that I have finally perfected the recipe, technique, and product."
With a flourish of his fingers, he pulled a glass bottle with a wide rounded bottom and a long, thin neck from his pocket and placed it on the palm of his other hand. "I give you, my new, patented All-Curse Remover. This potion, once consumed, will remove the effects of most cursed objects. A week's worth is showing promising data in reversing lycanthropy, as the lovely Remus Lupin can attest to."
Sirius whistled loudly using both of his fingers, then applauded overly loudly, which made Remus blushed down to the roots of his grayish dirty blond hair. He then stood to take a bow, and Tonks whistled and began clapping overly loudly as well. Hermione noticed that his scars were much lighter than she had ever remembered them being now that she actually took the time to look.
"I have already delivered some to the lovely Mrs Malfoy, and she should be arriving right about..now!" Severus snapped his fingers like a stage magician and a few seconds later, Daphne appeared beside him in a light celery sundress, her cheeks pink with health. Draco froze where he stood as she walked towards him, only to take her in his arms and hold her tightly, his cheeks growing damp with happy tears. Her bunny ears were a peachy blonde, and they tangled slightly in Draco's, but neither seemed to care.
"In any case," Severus continued, clearing his throat uncomfortably, "I have brought plenty of potion for anyone who would like some. I will not force you to take it, but I can assure you that it is non-habit forming, works quickly with a minor amount of discomfort and will be free for use in perpetuity by any and all participating parties who helped to turn the fight against the Dark Lord, may he rot in the deepest pit of hell."
A round of applause filled the air, and a number of people were standing up as they clapped wildly, for while the Dark Lord had not caused nearly as many casualties as he had no doubt intended, there were many who bore the scars both mental and physical from his wicked assault on the Wizarding World.
From where she stood near the bushes that led to the back garden, Hermione saw that there were a number of people who appeared to be judging whether they could sprint over to Severus quickly enough to be at the front of the inevitable line, and shook her head, smiling sadly.
"If only none of this had been needed in the first place," she said softly.
"Why, Hermione Granger," chorused two very familiar voices in unison from the bushes behind her, "if we didn't know any better, we might think you were talking disparagingly about our hoppy birthday gift to ourselves!"
Hermione turned, her ears standing straight up and bristling with irritation as two identical red-haired heads came into view. "You two!"
Fred turned to George and elbowed him gently. "Ron's right. She's right scary when she wants to be."
George nodded, but seemed rather unimpressed by Hermione's ire.
"The Bunny Bath Bomb only lasts for a day, Hermione," George said. "You'll be back to your regular, boring self sans bunny ears by morning."
"That's not what I am irritated about," Hermione said, crossing her arms. "You two are the reason why I had to spend nearly half an hour Scourgifying glitter and pink bath crystals out of my bed. And how did you two manage to send one to every single person in the Wizarding World, anyway?"
"Gee, George," Fred said, wiggling his eyebrows, "it's almost as though she expects us to share our secrets with her."
"Aw, gee, well that would spoil the fun, wouldn't it?" George said with a wink. "Besides, it's a proprietary secret, wouldn't you know? And since it's our birthday, we figured that a product promo and a precious prank would be the perfect present."
"Say that three times fast, I dare ya," Fred said, grinning.
Hermione scowled, but found she couldn't keep up her bad humor for very long. "You two had better not be up to any additional tricks," she scolded, but her heart wasn't in it. It was, after all their birthday, and Hermione had always held the belief that one's birthday should always have some sort of fitting celebration. And what was more fitting than a prank when it came to the twins?
"Only one more," Fred and George said, winking devilishly.
With that, they pointed their wands at the sky and the ground shook with the sound an explosion. A massive rainbow-colored dragon with bright pink bunny ears roared into the sky made entirely of magical fireworks, and circled around the sky roaring and letting off puffs of purple fireballs, which shimmered and fell like rain towards the ground. Everyone who hadn't had the good sense to run for cover, was covered with a fine layer of purplish glittery mist, and the children began to shriek, "It's sugar glitter!" as they ran around with their tongues out, trying to catch it.
Wheels of fire rolled across the sky, as did a number of funny words and images, including an Exploding Umbridge, which garnered a number of laughs. With a wide sweep and flick of their wands, George and Fred Vanished the remaining sugary glitter and hooked arms on either side of Hermione and ran up to the others.
"It wasn't my idea," Hermione said when Severus turned to glare at the three.
"I know. This expression is for those two," Severus replied. "This, however, is for you." He smiled, then, and the twins seemed to be far more horrified at seeing the dour man grin than they had when he'd given them a murderglare.
Hermione wiggled out of the grasp of the twins and turned with her tongue out, only to taste a bit of sweetness on the tip of her tongue as a remaining bit of sugar glitter landed on it. "Go on, you gits, it's nearly time for cake."
"Shall I hex them?" Severus purred, wrapping his arms around her.
"Nah," Hermione said, a warm smile tugging up her lips. "It's their birthday. And besides, I have everything I want right here."
And, as they looked at the festive chaos around them, they both knew that it was truer now than ever before.
Postscript Author's note: yep, I know that was cavity-inducing, but I apologize for nothing. NOTHING I tell you!