"Wait... what?"
It was rare that Anders found himself at a loss for words, but here he was, gaping at Marian Hawke while his mind struggled to grasp what she was telling him.
Marian sighed and her gaze flickered to the fireplace roaring in her bedroom. She turned back to Anders a wry smile on her lips. "I can say it again, Anders. It won't be any different than it was the last three times I said it."
"I don't understand," he sputtered. "How did this-"
Marian laughed. "And here I thought you were the healer out of the two of us. If you don't know how it happened, then maybe the circle left out more of your education than you let on." Her expression sobered and she clasped her hands in front of her, the sleeves of her emerald robes falling down to cover her wrists. "I'm pregnant. I need you to move in with me."
What have you done, mage!
Anders winced as Justice's voice rang out in his psyche. He really hated it when the spirit did that to him. It felt like someone had clanged a large bell-while he was wearing it-and the sound reverberated through his skull.
"I didn't do anything!" he cried. He held up a hand as Marian opened her mouth. "Not you," he hissed.
Marian's mouth snapped closed as she watched Anders brows furrow. He looked looked like he was in pain as a grimace slipped over his face. She hated it when Justice and Anders fought. The look on the other mage's face and the way he held himself so stiffly, told a story of the physical and mental pain it took to fight with the spirit residing in him. It was times like this that she knew Anders lied when he said that he and Justice were one.
When did you do this? Justice demanded. You threaten our goal! She threatens it! Distractions will not be tolerated.
Are you not with me every fucking second of every day? Anders shot back. She's not even showing yet. When do you think I could have done this?
Justice lashed back, spiking pain through Anders' mind. Everything we have worked for. We have a deal, mage! I released you from the Templars threatening you. In turn you gave me a body. Together we have a goal. I will not be deterred from it on your whims.
Anders sucked in a breath. We massacred those Templars. Do not bring it up to me again, Justice. If you were ever my friend, do not.
The sound of a throat clearing was like thunder in the room. Anders jerked and focused on Marian. He looked down at his hand and watched as thin, blue lines receded back into his skin. He licked suddenly dry lips. Justice was becoming more and more out of control. Each day it became harder to tamp the spirit down. Each day it became harder for Anders not to think that he had traded one form of slavery for another. What did that say about him? The circle, the wardens and now Justice. Fenris was more free than Anders was at this point, although Anders would never say that out loud.
He released a shuddering breath and looked up at Marian, flashing her a charming smile he didn't feel. "As flattering as this is, Hawke. You and I both know I'm not the father. So that begs the question..." He trailed off and raised an expectant eyebrow at her.
Anders was grateful when Marian didn't comment on his lack of control. She sat down heavily on the edge of her bed. He loved Marian for that. She always seemed to know when to ask questions and when to not. When she didn't answer right away, Anders strode across the room and knelt down on front of her. He clasped both of her hands in his, forcing her to look at him.
"You've always been there for me, Marian. You've always had my back." He reached out and tucked some of her short, black hair behind her ear. "Even after your mother died and Fenris said..." He couldn't finish the thought. He still heard the warrior snarling at Anders that this was the fate of all mages. "I'm muddling this up, aren't I?" he asked, eliciting a small laugh from her.
"You're doing fine, Anders," she whispered. "I've... I've done something very stupid and I'm afraid."
Anders feigned shock. "Stupid? Stupider than dueling the Arishok? Maker, Hawke! I can't possibly think of what could be more-"
"The father is a Templar!" she rushed out, her words running together.
Anders released her hands and stumbled back to sit on the carpet. His eyes were wide as he began to laugh. "Bravo, Hawke! You almost had me there. A Templar? You wouldn't do that. You're an apostate for Maker's sake. Champion or not, Meredith would never overlook the scandal. They would take you and your baby, they would..." His voice drifted off as tears began to slip down Hawke's cheeks.
"No, no, no, no. Hawke? Marian?" He scrambled to his knees and grasped her hands again. "Who was it?" He clutched her to him as she began to sob.
"I can't... I can't tell you that. He's a good man. He shouldn't be punished for this and I..." She turned her face into his neck, her tears soaking his skin.
Not force then. Anders felt a small part of the tension ease out. If one of those power-mad bastards had raped her, there would be no force on earth that could protect them from Anders and Vengeance. As it was he felt Justice trying to assert himself. Anders closed his eyes. Not now. She doesn't need you now.
She has willingly lain with one of them. Justice cried. She, a mage... That she would do such a thing!
She is human. I know you've never understood that. But just... not now.
Justice slipped away and Anders was grateful. He opened his eyes, giving a quick kiss to Marian's head. "Does he at least know?" Anders asked.
She shook her head, lifting it to look at him with puffy, red eyes. "No. He can never know. I realize I am asking a lot of you, but I need," she swallowed and drew back from him. "I need your help. I can't leave Kirkwall. My mother is buried here. My brother is in the Gallows. I have status here and money. I could give a child of mine a good life."
"Until your child showed the promise of magic," Anders said softly.
"Then I will deal with that when the time comes. I will prepare for it so if we need to run, it isn't penniless or directionless." Marian looked at him fiercely, showing Anders the face of the woman who became the Champion of Kirkwall.
Anders sighed and shook his head. "All right. All right, Marian. What would you have me do? You mentioned me moving in?"
Her eyes lit up. "I know I'm asking a lot of you, but it was the only thing I could think of to do. If people thought you were the father, another mage, I could buy myself some time. If the baby shows signs of magic, we can run then. But if the child doesn't-"
"Then you wouldn't need to leave." Anders blew out a breath. "Maker, Hawke. You're playing a deep game. With me..." He laughed mirthlessly "I'm a horrible player. I've never been good at intrigue. if it wasn't for the Warden-Commander, I would still be in the circle. If it wasn't for Justice, I would be dead. Varric and Aveline keep everyone off my back at the clinic. Do you see what I'm saying here?" He needed her to understand. He couldn't be relied on, not with something so important. She hadn't known him before Justice. The spirit had changed him in so many ways. But he was wavering. the more he thought about it, the more her plan seemed sound. The others in their little group already thought so little of him, if it would protect a child who couldn't help who its parents were, then Anders would take any criticism they would throw at him.
"You are one of the heads of the mage underground," Marian said, drawing him out his thoughts. "You're a circle trained mage and a Grey Warden. You have saved the lives of our friends on more than one occasion. You save lives daily at your clinic. Don't sell yourself short. You're one of the bravest people I know, Anders." She smiled an touched his cheek, her thumb rasping over the stubble there.
"I know you don't want to give him anymore ammunition against you. I know how it hurts you. But what he says of you isn't true."
Anders froze, the air seizing in his lungs. She knows, he thought. Oh, Maker, she knows. "How did you find out?" he asked, the words torn from his lips.
Her smile turned sad. Thank the Maker it wasn't pity. Anders didn't know if he could have handled that. As it was, her eyes seemed to look into him, stripping him bare as she said out loud what Anders had only dared to admit to him in his deepest dreams.
"It wasn't easy to see. The way you look when he says the things he does..." She shook her head. "I figured it out a year ago. You're in love with Fenris."
Anders gave a small cry and jerked to his feet, stumbling away from her. "You can never tell him," he gritted out. "Never, Marian."