I am the kind of person that you put to the back of your mind. The one you wouldn't notice unless they were Jay walking through the street, naked. Probably not even then.
Huh. Maybe I should try that.
Ah, where was I?
Oh, right.
The point is, I am practically invisible. The shadow that is just, I don't know, there.
I was never really able to make any friends. They all kind of just forgot me. Maybe it was my soft voice, my androgyny. Or it was just written fact, a law of some sort, that I was nonexistent.
Maybe.
Even when I was noticed, there was always this look of utter surprise and confusion. 'Where did they come from?' their eyes would say. It was as though there was something about me that just was so incompatible with reality that it was a surprise that I was able to live and breathe as they did.
So, by the time I was eight years old, or possibly before then, I was used to it. I let it slide. It was normal. It was inherently me.
And then, and then I discovered the most wondrous thing.
Basketball.
It was marvelous. It became my everything. Finally, I had a purpose. I had fun.
Honestly,that's all I ever wanted. To be included. To be needed. To be wanted. To be a kid.
But, eventually, I started to notice things. I had always been rather good at noticing things. No one tried to hide from me. They didn't even know that I was there the majority of the time. And so I watched. I noticed. I saw.
What I started noticing about those that I played my beloved game with, both ally and foe, was startling.
They received no enjoyment from playing basketball.
They needed to win. They were only focused on the end result. What happened in between the start and finish mattered little to them, so long as it resulted in a devastating loss for the ones playing against them. There was no room for fun.
I didn't understand.
So, I left.
For, what is the point of playing a game that you derive no pleasure from?