Disclamer: I do not own Invader Zim, or any of the characters in this. Only Rem. Besides that, I'm just playing around with the great Jhonan Vazquez's work.
Author's note: This is a joint fanfic between me and my sister (MidgetFan1). I come up with the black humor, she comes up with the basic plot! Without me, it would suck beyond all reason because of boredom, and without her, this story would be about nothing but monkeys... oh, and sorry the first chapter is so short. It get's longer! I've already made the first two chapters so I know!
All is Fair in Love and War
Chapter 1: The New Victim
Dib sits in his desk and explains to the kid behind him how Zim is an alien…as usual. "How can lack of ears be from a skin condition?!" Dib shouts at him. "It makes no sense! Can't you see it?! HES AN ALIEN!!!" The boy gives him a glare. "Stop picking on him! What about green skin and no ears boy!" The boy says pointing to Zim. "That IS Zim!!" says Dib going ballistic. Ms. Bitters slithers into the classroom. "Be quiet Dib, you can have the emotion you children call 'joy' after class."
A girl walks into the class. "This is the new girl, Rem. Feel free to make her life just as miserable as yours were when you came to this skool. Make sure to take every bit of rage you had since you came to this skool on her." The girl strangely gave a warm smile despite what she just heard. Rem had a hairstyle similar to Gaz, but she had orange hair and had one pony tail sticking straight up with a very feminine flamingo pink bow in her hair. Her shirt had a strange symbol on it. "I hope to become good friends with you all." Rem said happily.
"Your desk is next to Dib." Ms. Bitters said pointing her long crooked finger at a beaten up worn down desk. Rem sat down but then looked at the desk and raised her hand. "Ms. Bitters. Why is they're blood stains on my desk?" Ms. Bitters slithered toward her. "That was the last child who tried to have fun while learning, which like I warned, ended in an implosion." Rem seemed unfazed by Ms. Bitters. She only continued to smile. She then put a bright pink table cloth over her desk to 'Brighten up the room'. Ms. Bitters started twiching in pain from the bright pink glow of the strange happy cloth.
The second Ms. Bitters started trying to teach, the lunch bell rang. "We shall put your pathetic lives on pause for a moment while you go to the lunch room and consume your lunch." Ms. Bitters said. All of the kids ran out of the room screaming, heading toward the lunchroom.
As Rem was walking out of the classroom a hand grabbed her arm. "Wait! I need to tell you something!" She turned around to see Dib. "Oh, hello. You're the boy that sits next to me, right?" She said. "I haven't heard good things about you. I heard you're only in this skool so the skool doesn't get sewed for discriminating against crazy people." She said without a problem. "Darn it! They got to her first!" Dib said to himself. That just proved to her more how crazy he is. She started walking away, faster and faster by the step.
"I better be going n-"
"WAIT! I NEED TO WARN YOU ABOUT THE ALLLLIIIIEN!!!!" Dim shouted
She stops in her tracks. "Alien? You mean that green kid with no ears?"
A chorus of angels sung in Dib's head. "Thank you!!! Someone who has common sense! Someone who believes me!!" Dib felt like he was in a parallel universe where there was someone besides him whose brain has not rotted to the core, and could actually have some intelligence!
"So you actually believe me?" Dib said in glee. Rem pauses for a second (a long second) and nods with a creepy smile on her face. "Thank You!" Dib said and hugs her quickly. Rem looked a bit strange. "Come on!" Dib said grabbing her arm and pulling her to the cafeteria. On the way in, people started throwing random food at Dib… like usual.
Rem starts to get bored and walks in the cafeteria line. Dib chases after her "I wouldn't suggest eating any of that," He looks at a kid nervously putting the food in his mouth. The food then eats the kid's organs from the inside out and devours the kid. The food then proceeds to attack all other life forms in the cafeteria. Other food on the children's plates starts to join into this ritual. "If you want to live by the end of this lunch period… that is if the food already around doesn't eat you first."
Dib then carries her to hide under a table, not only to hide from Zim's stare, but to escape the wads of food being thrown at his huge head. He starts staring at Zim with an evil glare. Dib was very angry. In his head, Zim was the reason he was being tormented this much... and it had nothing to do with the fact that he had been tormented for years before Zim came along. "No one notices anything. He doesn't even eat human food yet everyone believes he's human!"
He turns back to Rem who is also hiding. "Ill show you proof. I'll show you I'm not crazy! He's a alien!" He finds a glass on the table. "Water burns him!" Dib said. Rem seemed to be interested. He puts the glass in the fountain, and after unplugging the fountain's mutant mushrooms, a stream of urine colored liquid spewed into the glass… yet the sign on the walls guarantied this liquid was H2O.
"Hey Zim!" Dib shouted. "Want some water!" Dib says and splashed the water on Zim. He was burning, twitching and screaming in pain all at the same time. Then after all this screaming, Zim immediately stopped like nothing happened. "Ill get you for this Dib!" Zim said, yet gave Rem the evil glare as Rem gave a short chuckle. Zim then began with his normal maniacal laughter that would make people think he's part jackal.
Dib watched Zim walk away still laughing. "And everyone thinks I'm the crazy one?"
Bwahaha! Now review before I set the creepy smiley girl on you! Ack! Get her away from me! Rem's smile is turning my shirt from black to sunshine yellow!