My name is Castiel, or as Dean, Sam, and certain angels call me, Cas. Interestingly enough, if you take off the suffix, which mean's 'of god', my name means 'cover'. When I tried to tell this to Dean, he laughed, although I don't believe he was mocking me… My story is as long as humanity, and though I remember vividly every detail, it would take one hundred lifetimes to recount. So, I will keep to the essentials, which must fill this journal. Yes, Dean gave me a 'hunter's journal' the other day, and I was as surprised as I was grateful. He truly seems to be the only one who understands me at times, and that is saying something, because an angel is hard to understand…
I remember the beginning, when we were raised by my father, God. I was, according to many of the inferior angels, one of his favorite sons. I still do not understand what they meant by this, for I have made many mistakes, and am as flawed as a human. Sometimes, I don't believe I'm really a seraph anymore, for I enjoy many human things, such as food, laughter, and whatever I have with Sam and Dean. It is true, that now I enjoy their company more than even my family. The angels say that humanity is flawed, and they have always told me that I have too much heart. Maybe this is true. But, I do not think I have too much heart. I'm beginning to feel as though I'm simply not truly part of the holy host. But, I am getting away from my main story. I was there, in the first stages of evolution, when the first fish swam through the torrential seas. The Earth was almost entirely green, similar to Dean's eyes when he is happy, vibrant and endless. And I was an infant, in angelic terms. We did not have vessels at this point, and no one was privy to our true forms besides the fish and bacterium, which were not burned to a crisp by the sight of us. Animals are pure, although savage. They do not hurt with intention to scar, only to nourish themselves and protect their rightful territory and young. I watched with my angelic brothers and sisters as these creatures grew, aided by God's loving hand. We were not told his plan for this planet, as we had not been told his plans for all of the rest, but he assured us that the result of time would give way to a marvelous creation. Many of my siblings doubted him, conversing in hushed tones in their heavenly rooms about how Father had become mad. But I, Castiel, believed in my father. Time passed, and there arrived an occasion when God took me aside, yes we were not simple air—our forms are a pure white, and we have the heads of several animals. It is a form truly terrifying that you cannot imagine, and if you saw it, you would be blinded, or worse.
But, he took me aside and said to me "Castiel, my child, many of your siblings doubt that this planet will amount to anything. But I say unto you, look and wait. There will come a time when from the dust I shall raise a creature called man, and I must ask you, my dearest son, to accept him with a greater love than towards I. There is a grandiose plan, which the universe hath whispered to me, and I must do my part to enact it. And do not worry, my son, for you shall be rewarded. Through all of your trials, if you persevere, you shall have love, and you shall know company with the Righteous Man. Do not ask me more, for I cannot forsake my mother's whispers, lest iniquitous ears hear. Believe in your Father, my child, and no matter where your existence takes you, even when I am long lost in the wind, remember these words." And it was then, that I was given a purpose, a flickering topaz-green flame to await. And I did wait.
For many thousands of years I watched humanity tear itself apart and rebuild again and again, all according to Father's plan. My brethren grew restless, angry at the fall of Babylon and Rome, the Chinese Dynasty and eventually the Byzantine Empire. They questioned Father, howling into the night winds like lions. And then, they decided that they could wait no longer. They began to take vessels, putting themselves on the earth plane and meddling in affairs. I stood lonely on many hillsides and islands, watching with horror as my brethren interfered with God's marvelous plan. I dared not take a human vessel to stop them, lest the blame be pinned on me. But, it seemed that throughout the turmoil, God's plan prevailed. He did come back, several times, to marvel at his creation. But he never interfered, saying that all was as it should be, and that it wasn't time for him to intrude… yet.
And then came the 1900's. It started out as any other century would, and although many of the angels were tired from the battles of humanity and the daily conflict that controlled us so much, I was hopeful. I still held that flickering green flame within my grace, hoping that someday God would fulfill his promise. I did not know why I was so keen to see this 'reward', but it took up my thoughts when I was not doing my angelic duties. The year was 1978, and God called the angels together in Heaven. He spoke to us of the impending importance of the twenty-first century, and how we must complete his will without his direction. We did not know then, that he wood soon leave us forever. And there, on May 15th, 1978 God erected a new human, built his form in front of us, molding each limb from pure light, which was rare. We knew that God usually created his children from clay of the earth, or water, or ashes. But when he chose to use pure light as the visage, we knew that this child was to be important. He sculpted the man, and when he was finished, I felt something akin to fire pulse inside my grace. I knew, from the emerald green eyes he bore, that God had created him for me. Not in the sense of a slave, obviously, but in the sense that he was for me, and only me, to protect. God proclaimed this child to be named Dean Winchester, and stated while looking directly at me that he was to be watched over. I am sure my brethren noticed and followed his gaze, but I remained calm and emotionless. I knew that it would be my job to watch over him, but I was not supposed to broadcast it.
And at the same time God created another child, named Samuel Winchester, who was to be Dean's younger brother. He stated that these two children would bring about a great change in Man, Heaven, and Hell. And with that, he made them disappear. In that instant, I felt something sharp in my grace, akin to pain, as I watched the being that I had waited to long for disappear in such a short time before my eyes. But, I heard God's voice in my mind, speaking to me. "Castiel, I sense your worry son. Do not fret. The man, Dean Winchester will not need you until he is twenty-nine years old. But, watch over him as he grows, for a time will come when you will want to know every line on his face, each thought in his head, and every mannerism he holds. When the time is right, you will be sent to him. Learn this man, protect him, but do not tell your brothers and sisters what I have instructed you to do. Many will go against you, and you may be an outcast to them, but in my eyes you will always be my son. Your faith in me is greater than many of them, and for that, you are rewarded. Forget the worries of Babylon and Africa, and now focus your grace on the Winchesters. A time will come when you will care for them, especially Dean, more than life itself."
These were the last words my father ever spoke to me. I have been resurrected many times by him, although he 'left' several years ago. I believe he thinks we are grown enough to make our own choices, and has gone to work on other planets and carry out the universe's whispers. Free Will was given to me by him, just as Dean was given to me, and although my siblings do not understand it, it is our time. We have the power to carve our own paths in life. What I mentioned earlier, that my name means cover, was important. I am covering Dean in many ways, protecting him with my grace. He may not understand, although I think he has realized, but I only want to guard him, and of course his brother Sam. Now I only question God's words. I think that I began, long ago now, to love the eldest Winchester. And now, I am afraid. Angels are not supposed to love in the way that I love Dean. But, it seems that God knew, from that first moment when I saw Dean, that something more was meant to develop. I am still afraid, because I don't know if Dean will ever feel the same way. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of something that could be called love, but I thought he was desperately into women, and would never love an angel. Each day I wish more and more to ask him why he cares about me so much, and I want him to tell me that he loves me. But, angels are not meant to be with humans, or so they say. But, if God did not want me to have Dean, why would he make such clear signs?
When I raised Dean from Hell, I was given a straight path to go through, and though many died behind me, I made it through the cavernous dungeons and fires, smiting all in my way to reach the flickering soul at the bottom. And when I held him, I shot upwards, gripping his battered soul tightly so much that I left a mark on his body, a mark that is still there today and makes my grace flutter whenever I appear to him. I rebuilt him, limb from limb, line by line, using my grace to heal old wounds and make him truly pure again.
I could not wait to meet him, but he seemed horrified at first that I had marked him. Now, he has changed much, and treats me with as much love as Sam, perhaps more. The faded scar of my handprint, although nearly invisible, still affects me when I appear. I feel it hum with the small bit of my grace that seeped off onto Dean Winchester. I am a part of him, just as he has become such a large part of me. I do not know what I truly want now, though I often wonder what it would be like to mate, or as he says 'have sex' with him. I wish to touch the lines on his face, the lines I so carefully put back in place. And I want nothing more than to stare into those green eyes until oblivion… He doesn't realize that I know him better than he knows himself… But I will remain nothing more than a friend, unless he asks for more. I can't force him to love, and I would never want to. Friendship is enough for me, as long as I can be near him. I know I have truly fallen, but I have free will now. I will not give it up. Father said he trusted me in my decisions, but I hate myself now. I despise myself for what I did to Heaven, how I ripped apart his first creation. How can he forgive me now? But, then again, he is supposedly dead. I could not find him two years ago when I searched so vehemently and prayed louder than I had ever done before. I could not hear him whispering back to me. He is truly gone. But, at least I have Dean Winchester, who understands my self-loathing and actually cares to talk to me about things that are very painful. At least I have Dean…
Dean stared at the journal for several minutes, feeling a great fire erupting in his soul. Castiel loved him, actually loved him! He felt like a bastard for invading the angel's journal, which he had promised himself not to do when he gave it to Cas. But, once he had picked it up, he couldn't force himself to stop reading it. It was as if fate had commanded him to keep turning the pages. And now, it was over, and the spell of the writing was broken.
"Cas," he whispered to himself. The realization was slow, seeping over him like molasses. Castiel, an angel, junkless, unable to feel real emotion, returned Dean's feelings. Dean felt wrong, immoral, for invading Cas' personal journal. He pushed the journal away slightly and jolted up, going to look out the motel room window, fingers drumming on the sill anxiously. What would he do? He couldn't look Castiel in the eye, now that he'd read the journal. He wanted nothing more than to call the angel and smile and kiss him and fuck him into oblivion. But, Cas would realize. He'd know, somehow that Dean had read his writing, and Dean hated the guilt that was pooling in his stomach.
"Dammit," he muttered to himself. What could he do? What should he do? Dean took a deep breath.
If you can't man up after reading that, then you're really a pussy Dean, a voice in his head told him.
I can't. I didn't realize—he, how could he love me back? Stupid son-of-a-bitch!
"Fuck," Dean said, shaking his head. He began to let out a stream of muttered swear words, unable to truly comprehend what he had just read. Cas loved him. Castiel, angel of the lord, reciprocated his feelings. Cas wanted to fuck him. It'd been clear in the writing, Dean knew Cas better than most. Castiel wanted to have sex with him, to be in a relationship with him, more than a relationship—Dean belonged to Cas. The angel had said it himself. Feeling a bit panicky and unsure of when Sam would return from the local library, Dean called Cas' name out.
"Cas, I don't know where you went last night, but can you get over here? You left, something, behind."
There was a flutter of wings behind him and Dean went rigid. This was a bad idea, the worst idea possible. What on Earth was he going to say?
"You called Dean?" came Cas' all-to-low voice from behind him. Dean slowly turned around, his facial expression contorted in a mixture of confusion and guilt, lust and self-hatred.
"Hey Cas," he said stiffly. Cas frowned.
"Are you alright?" he asked. But, before Dean could answer, Cas spotted the journal sitting on Dean's bed, still lying open.
"You read it?" Cas asked, and for once, his voice seemed weakened.
"Yeah. I'm sorry Cas! I didn't mean to—I just…" he trailed off, not sure what to say. Cas caught the words that Dean didn't say, and he cocked his head to the side. Cas didn't seem upset, more curious.
"You aren't angry." It wasn't a question. Cas, although bad at reading emotions, could tell Dean's in a heartbeat.
"No." Dean was trying to rid himself of the cockiness in his tone—he meant to be serious now.
"Why not?" Cas really must've abided by Dean's no reading thoughts rule, because otherwise he would've known. Dean sighed, absently rubbing his hands, which was rare for him. His usual confidence was gone, replaced with something deeper.
"Because Cas, I feel—well, in all honesty I'd really like to have sex with you right now." There it was. So plain and simple. After so many years, he'd said it, more or less. Castiel was taken aback.
"You'd like to—why?" was all he could get out. Cas looked incredibly nervous, standing in his usual trench coat and suit awkwardly, like he was too big for the room. Dean rolled his eyes slightly and walked towards Cas.
"Because I have for a long time… I just, didn't think you felt the same," he said, still feeling slightly winded and confused.
"Oh. I'd like that, a lot," Cas answered. And that was all the consent Dean needed. He was already pushing the angel back onto his bed, meeting his lips halfway, tugging at his dark hair, looking into his astral eyes that were already darkening with lust. Castiel avidly responded, tugging at Dean's clothes clumsily and instinctively canting his hips up to meet Dean's. Even though he hadn't ever had sex in his eternity of a life, Castiel had been waiting for this day for a long time, and he knew what happened in theory. In his years watching the Winchesters, he'd once or twice shown up when Dean was, in compromising positions, with others or himself, and the angel had naturally been fascinated. Of course he'd never tell Dean that he had stayed unseen and watched…
"So damn long Cas," Dean breathed raggedly as he shrugged out of his jacket and button-down shirt, and pulled off the angel's trench coat. When it was off, he looked substantially smaller, less powerful, more human.
"Me too Dean," he sighed, undoing Dean's jeans as the hunter kicked off his shoes. Dean threaded his hands through the angel's hair and looked into those swimming eyes of azure, leaning in again for another long kiss, cracked lips mingling and stubble grating.
"You stupid bastard," Dean muttered with a chuckle as he grazed his teeth down Cas' jawline, teasing, as he knew so well how to do.
"I am not a bastard—I know who my father is," Cas said, and for once Dean actually understood his deadpan humor. He chuckled again, absolutely grinning into Cas' lips, and began to unbutton the angel's suit jacket and shirt, Cas helping to slide out of them quickly. Dean pulled seductively on the dark blue tie, gazing deeply at Cas.
"Are you still a virgin?" he mumbled while he undid Cas' suit pants and slid them off, following them by unceremoniously pulling off his underwear.
"Yes," Cas said, relieving Dean of his bottoms as well. For a virgin, he was seamlessly quick.
"Good," Dean said, slightly to himself. He reached over to his jacket and pulled out of the pocket a small thing of lube and a condom. As he did, Cas grasped the faded mark of his handprint, and a weird humming sounded, sending electricity sparking through both of them.
"Mmm," Cas hummed, getting an immediate jolt of pleasure from it. Dean felt it too, as he turned back with the lube and condom.
"Profound bond?" he chuckled. Cas nodded with a little smile.
"What are those?" Cas asked. Although he was rather versed in sexual things from research, he didn't know what those two items were.
"Protection, makes it hurt less," he said, preparing himself and winking at Cas as he put some lube on his finger. To his surprise, he was interrupted when Cas' hand shot down and began pumping Dean viciously.
"Ohhh, god Cas," he hissed, getting distracted and seeing a typical Castiel smirk spread over Cas' face.
"I am not an idiot Dean," he said lowly. Dean felt his eyes roll back into his head, and was distracted for a moment, unable to get Cas to stop. Finally, the angel gave him a break, and Dean smirked as he thrust into him without warning. Cas groaned in slight pain, and Dean waited a moment.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yes, more," Cas said immediately. Dean smiled and obliged him, figuring Cas could just heal the pain with his powers. He found that he loved how Cas looked right now, becoming absolutely undone at Dean's touch. With his free hand that wasn't on Cas' hips, Dean grasped Cas' erection and began to pump him vigorously, causing the angel to moan and grasp the blanket below him, anything to ground himself.
"Oh Dean," he breathed incoherently, babbling much like a human.
"Come for me Cas," Dean whispered, and seconds later Castiel was ejaculating into Dean's hand, just as Dean himself shuddered and orgasmed, spewing into the condom. His thrusts weakened, and finally he pulled out, allowing himself to collapse nearly on top of Cas, fingers intertwining in his dark hair. There was a soft flutter and the blankets were on top of them. Dean laid back and Cas curled up to him, placing his hand lightly on the handprint once more. His grace was humming, but not out of arousal. Castiel felt content, happier than he had in a long time. Dean threaded his fingers through Cas' hair, looking down into his eyes with absolute adoration. It was a look that he had never shown to anyone before, one that would make him appear 'weak' in front of others. But Cas deserved that look. The angel bent up to kiss Dean lightly, feeling more human, and yet strangely more angelic, than usual.
"Dean, you are only mine," he whispered. It was slightly questioning, and still stating. Dean breathed and nodded.
"Yes, you don't have to worry about that. Besides, I kind of was yours from the beginning," He said with a smile. The angel's cerulean eyes were positively glowing, remembering that Dean had read his journal.
"Did you like reading it?" he asked quietly.
"Yes. It made me understand… You're not very easy to read Cas," Dean said.
"I know. We aren't supposed to have emotions after all," he said.
"I disagree. I think your family has a bunch of sticks up their asses. That's why you were God's favorite. Because you are like a human, in the good ways." The hunter smiled, more vibrantly than he had in a long time. And they lay like that for a while, simply enjoying the moment. There was nothing after them trying to kill them, and they had finally acted on their feelings. Nothing bad could go wrong at that moment, even if the world was burning around them. After a while Dean fell asleep, his face peaceful. Castiel brushed his hand across Dean's stubbled cheek, admiring his beauty. Even if he didn't believe it, Dean was special, someone important. And now that he finally had him, Cas wasn't ever going to let him go.