Penny had a secret she had kept from the guys since she had moved across the hall a year and a half ago. She wasn't quite the dumb-blonde slut wannabe actress she pretended she was. In fact, the only one she was, was blonde.
She was a CIA spy, sent to protect one of the most important brains of our generation. What she hadn't expected was that the asset was a complete whack-a-doodle. However, he had quickly become her whack-a-doodle. His Bourne-Oppenheimer joke had been pretty funny after all, even if she couldn't admit it at the time.
For a year and a half, things had been pretty quiet. She took out one or two minor threats, including a bitch named Ramona, but for the most part, the most difficult part of her task was not killing the beautiful-mind genius herself.
That and having to pretend to be a dumb-blonde who didn't understand anything he was saying. But Cheesecake Factory aspiring actresses typically didn't speak Theoretical Physicist. Oh. And not falling in love with the beautiful mind genius whack-a-doodle; that was proving more than difficult than she'd ever thought possible. And putting up with his roommate's thinly veiled lust of her. Wait, why again was it she enjoyed this assignment?
But all in all, he was one of her easier, and more fun assignments. Quirks aside, he was a ton of fun to be friends with, and it was a quite assignment.
Until the Saturday afternoon she got an alert from one of her contacts about an eminent surprise attack.
It was 11:05, and Penny was surprised Sheldon hadn't come knocking on her door yet, when she got the emergency text that enemy agents were inbound with orders to kill, t-minus ten minutes.
A minute later, she burst into 4A, where she saw the four boys watching tv. Spy mode fully engaged, she began barking orders at them; "All of you, into Leonard's room now! Go, go, don't argue! Close the door and don't let anyone in but me!"
She supposed that given the number of spy movies the guys had watched over the years, that her outfit gave her some credence among them, even if they did probably think it was some kind of joke. Remembrance of her threats of going junior rodeo on them probably also helped them in scrambling towards Leonard's room.
The one that surprised her most, though, was Sheldon. She had expected to have to drag him herself into Leonard's room, but he had been the first one off the couch, and had assumed the duty of getting everyone out of the living room. As she watched their backs disappear down the hallway, she set herself up behind the kitchen island, peering around the side nearest the hallway, primary attention on the front door.
Unbeknownst to her, when Sheldon had pushed everyone through Leonard's door, he had slipped back to his room. He slid open the hidden panel next to his door, and fastened his own holster. Checking the magazines on two guns, he put them into his holster, along with two knives and extra magazines, before grabbing a third Berreta M9 and sliding the panel back in place. Then he quietly, but with enough noise that she'd know he was coming, slid back into the kitchen.
"What are you doing!?" she yelled at him in a harsh whisper, as she saw him coming back into the room.
"Saving your ass," he answered calmly as he crouched next to her behind the island, gun in his hand. "We need to move into the hallway. If we can't take them all out, we'd be trapped here, unable to escape."
He grabbed her hand and pulled her with him to the hallway. When he got there, he opened a concealed panel on the wall, and began pressing buttons. Immediately, a low wall sprung up from the floor at the beginning of the hall, giving them a blockade to hide behind, in addition to the corner of wall. Penny peered around it, gun and eyes trained on the door.
"Okay, the front door is fully locked, as is Leonard's room. Leonard's room should be impenetrable, except by coming up the escape hatch in the floor. The front door probably won't hold, assuming they have explosives. My room is programmed to go on complete lockdown at the push of a button if we need to escape that way. From there we can get over to Leonard's room to collect them."
"I'm sure I'll regret asking this, but is this all some kind of apocalypse preparation? Because it's actually quite impressive. I might have to rethink my stance that your apocalypse preparation is completely ridiculous if it is."
"No, but it would work well in an apocalyptic scenario. This apartment is a class three CIA safehouse, that's been blacklisted since the end of the Cold War."
Penny started to reply, when Sheldon's hand suddenly covered her mouth, as he listened intently. "They're coming up the stairs," he whispered in her ear, his warm breath tickling her ear.
She pulled his hand away from her mouth, and whispered back, "You live in a CIA safehouse?"
He nodded his head before adding, "Although I've made a few improvements since I moved in."
At that moment, they heard the intruders try to unlock the door, before a small explosion emanated from the lock out into the landing.
"Blow the door," Sheldon's Vulcan hearing heard the leader whisper. He immediately covered Penny's ears with his hands, while simultaneously sinking down to floor as low as he could go. Penny took his cue, and aimed her gun at the door, while dipping her head below the wall to prevent from being blinded by the explosion Sheldon was obviously expecting. She had no clue how knew there was going to be an explosion, but now wasn't the time to ask questions.
As she heard the muffled sound of the explosion through Sheldon's hands, she began firing. A few seconds later she saw Sheldon's gun pop up and start firing with her. They heard two guys fall. They both took a quick peak as they reloaded their guns, quickly ducking to avoid the volley of bullets flying in their direction.
"There's a lot of them," she whispered before popping up to return fire. When she ducked back down again, she saw Sheldon holding an automatic, and a piece of a floor board missing where he'd got it from.
"Eight in the room so far, but probably more in the hallway. Full armor, we can't stop them. I'll cover you, my bedroom, I'll be right behind you."
As soon as he rose, she scrambled on her knees to his room, and ducked behind the wall to the right. She thought she heard two more bodies drop before Sheldon appeared a second later, ducking behind the wall on the opposite side of the door. As soon as his back hit the wall, a steel door slammed down, making her jump. He slid down the wall, tossing the gun under his bed.
He looked over at her. "You okay?"
She nodded her head. "Yeah. You?"
He nodded his head.
"So, not a mysophobe who can't stand touching people? I assume the brilliant-mind genius, eidetic memory, and Vulcan hearing is all true."
He smiled, a genuine, true smile she hadn't seen before. "Yes, partially yes, and yes. I am actually skittish about other people touching me; side effect of too many people trying to stab me on the job, I suppose. Except when it comes to you, for some odd reason. Once I got to know you, I had to start faking it for some reason. And on the subject of you, you're not the dumb-blonde Cheesecake-scented aspiring actress you wanted them all to think, either."
"Well, the actress part might still apply, I had all of you guys fooled," she smirked back at him, throwing out her arm to lightly smack his arm.
"I'm a trained assassin with an IQ of 187, you really think I couldn't spot another assassin?"
"All right, Dr. Genius, when did you realize I was a spy?"
"Hot blondes in general, and especially ones who work at the Cheesecake Factory, don't understand quantum mechanics or string theory, and certainly don't laugh at spoofs of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation. You may be able to control your face and actions, but your eyes always betray you."
Suddenly, Sheldon held up a finger to his lips and motioned to his closet, as a few light taps sounded against the door. They crept over to the closet, where Sheldon revealed a secret trap-door in the floor. Opening it silently, they descended without a sound, and Sheldon closed it behind them.
"Okay, we're free to speak again. It's soundproof down here. I just wanted to get an idea of how many there were before we came down here."
"You could tell just from my eyes that I understood your work? And you were looking at my eyes close enough to tell?" she asked in surprise and awe.
"They're the windows to the soul; or so the poets like to say. And I've always paid attention to you."
Sheldon moved over to a large computer. Penny followed close behind him, and propped up right next to him.
"So what about the guys' claims that your asexual?"
"I may have an IQ of 187 and be a virgin, but I'm still human. But romantic entanglements with civilians is a liability for spies like us, so Homo Novus was a convenient excuse for preventing my friends from trying to set me up with women. It never would have been more than an afterthought, but then Leonard started using it as a way to try to keep attractive graduate school females away from me and towards him, since he was jealous that I was getting more female attention than he was. So he started spreading the rumors that I was asexual as far and wide as he could, despite the fact I never showed any interest in the females he was unsuccessfully pursuing.
"But even if I wasn't a spy, I still wouldn't chase women like those three do. I'm not a slut like they are. Or an unsuccessful slut, to be more accurate. Call me old fashioned, but I believe in real relationships, and conservative Texan values. Even the whole atheist scientist thing is just a way to better blend in with the popular scientist crowd so I don't stand out.
"How about you? If you weren't a spy, would you be the big ol' five you've led everyone to believe you are? I know you never had sex with any of the guys you ever had over. Vulcan hearing," he added as an explanation, pointing to his ears.
"I don't really know. I was trained from a young age to be a spy, and trained to be able to remain emotionless in any circumstance. Spies can't fall in love with their assets or it endangers the whole mission. And I've constantly been on missions since I finished my training, never slowing down enough to find out what civilian me is like. But I never had a problem with the whole not falling in love with the asset thing."
"Until now."
She looked up at him in surprise, before looking back at the ground and nodding, carefully studying her shoes. "Until I moved across the hall from the biggest pain-in-the-ass whack-a-doodle I've ever met. Though I suppose since that person was a complete work of fiction, I'm not exactly sure where I am."
Sheldon rested his hand over hers, causing her to look back up at him.
"I don't think that person is quite as fictitious as you think. I'm still an OCD control freak. I'll never willing let you or anyone else sit in my spot, I claimed the best seat in the room first, it's mine. All of our heated back and forths, and prank wars were quite real. And putting me in a social situation that isn't part of a mission is about as safe as giving Baby Groot a nuclear bomb without tape on it. Anyway, it's not like my work at Cal-Tech is ending anytime soon, so the trio's minds will be wiped, the apartment will be reset, and I'll go back to being a mysophobic, OCD pain-in-the-ass who needs an agent nearby to protect his important brain."
"Is that Sheldon-ese for 'I like you and want you to stick around'?" she asked with a shy smile.
"Demand a better job, though. There has to be something at the university for a dumb-blonde."
"What if I don't want to play the dumb-blonde routine anymore, though? This is the first time I've had to drop my IQ this low, and it can be very tiring."
"Hmmm," he said thinking. "How about you tell everyone that you were doing a long-term physics research project using the Cheesecake Factory as a base, and to get unbiased results, you had to be perceived as the typical dumb-blonde and couldn't tell anyone about the project. The project is over, so you're taking a theoretical physics job at Cal-Tech, but since the data hasn't been published you can't disclose anything about it.
"It's a stretch, but as soon as you start talking fluent theoretical physicist, and especially coming immediately after the routine "too much to drink" excuse for the memory wipe, it shouldn't be too hard pull off convincingly, and the only people you have to convince is the trio, anyway."
"If I did, what about us?"
"We're both spies. I can have you transferred to be my spy partner, so I won't be your asset anymore. Leonard won't be happy to see us start dating, but it's none of his business. And while I've never been inclined to pursue a romantic relationship before, given our year and a half of interaction, I believe there is a reasonable possibility that we could be attracted to each other if we gave ourselves the chance. It's hard to accurately judge our attraction when we've both been using our training to prevent the risk of it happening the whole time we've known each other. And even if it failed, I have no doubt our friendship and spy partnership would remain intact."
"All right then, I'll stay. And we can try dating. But it's only fair to warn you, I am messy when it's not job related. My apartment really does look like that, it's not a cover. But speaking of the trio, uh, are we going to rescue them, or what? And shouldn't this be Mrs. Vartabedian's apartment?"
"Leonard's door is locked, so they can't get out and the enemy can't get in. When I put us in lockdown, the wifi immediately turned all our phones to silent, and with the gunfire, they should all be scared enough to stay silent for now. So I sent each of them a text telling them we're going to open the trapdoor in Leonard's closet, and to remain perfectly silent. As soon as one of them texts me back that they got it, we'll open the trapdoor and bring them down." Then turning and smirking at her, he said, "And have you ever actually met Mrs. Vartabedian of apartment 3A?"
"She's entirely fake?" Penny's mouth dropped open.
"For a spy, you really need to do better research," he replied, continuing to smirk at her.
"My superiors cleared everyone in the building when I moved in, and everyone who's come and gone since then. My job was just to keep an eye out on everyone I saw around, report anyone suspicious, and take out anyone deemed a threat by the department."
Sheldon's genuine, soft smile returned. "Which you did a very good job of; especially with Ramona. Very cleanly taken care of. But for future reference, a well known neighbor who obstinately persists in their absence should be considered suspicious."
"Someone likes their obscure, and really, really weird sci-fi quotes," she replied chuckling, and lightly rested her hand on his arm. "But I will take that into account moving forwards."
"If you had asked any of the three guys, they would have told you she's real, and they've met her. Before you moved in, there were occasionally apartment building lunch get-togethers that Leonard and the other's dragged me to a time or two, and the department had an elderly woman who retired from the CIA years ago play the role of Mrs. Vartabedian. She even came up to ask to borrow a vacuum cleaner one time when all four of us were playing video games. I jumped in and in no uncertain terms told her 'no', appearing to have scared her off from ever daring come to us for anything again. And since her apartment is the only one in the building that's not real, all the rest of the apartments are actual, non-CIA tenants who come and go."
Returning the subject back to their escape, Penny asked, "So once we get the guys down here, how do we escape? We've got twelve enemy spies trying to kill us that have to be taken out before the trio can return to their normal lives."
"When I put the building on lockdown, it triggered the fire alarms to get everyone out of the building. Only the actual alert went to a CIA team instead of the fire department, who have the building surrounded, and should be storming my apartment soon. I really need to install cameras everywhere so I can know what's going on. Hopefully they will be able to capture or kill most of the agents, but I wouldn't count on them getting all of them. The elevator is an emergency hatch that goes down to the external electrical room on the back side of the apartment. That's where we'll take the trio to get them out of the building. The CIA team has cleared the area and is waiting on us. They'll take the trio from there to wipe their memories, while we track down any remaining enemy agents, and another part of the team fixes the apartment."
At that moment, a text alert sounded on Sheldon's phone. Looking up at Penny, he said, "Ready to go save some physicists?"
Leonard, Howard, and Raj had no clue what was going on. When Penny had burst in, just after eleven o'clock, they had all gone into survival mode. They had seen enough of the confrontations between her and Sheldon to know better than to cross her when she went into junior rodeo mode. So when she came bursting through the door barking orders, they had obeyed. It had briefly flickered through Leonard's mind that it was odd that Sheldon had immediately started obeying her, but he had more pressing issues, in the form of a junior rodeo Penny, to deal with at the moment than wonder about his crazy roommate.
When Sheldon had pushed them all into Leonard's room, and closed the door on them without coming in himself, Leonard had tried to open the door to see where Sheldon had gone, but it was locked. Try as he could, he couldn't get the door to budge. So he had finally given up and gone to join the other two sitting on his bed.
"What the hell was that?" asked Howard.
Shaking his head, Leonard responded, "I have no idea, but the door's locked, so for the time being, we're stuck.
"Dude, did you see the look on Penny's face when she burst in? I've never seen her look so intense," replied Raj.
"Yeah, and what was up with her clothes? If I didn't know any better, I'd say she looked like a female assassin. And Sheldon didn't question her one time. He was up and moving before she even finished talking," added Howard.
Leonard shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, as dumbfounded as the other two.
It was then that the gunfire had started. The three of them had scrambled behind the bed in a tangle of limbs. The gunfire had eventually stopped, replaced by the shuffling sounds of movement by unknown assailants.
The trio remained cowering behind the bed, frozen in silence.
A long while later, Leonard finally thought to get his phone out to call the police for help. That's when he saw the text message from Sheldon. He showed it to the others before quickly replying.
A few minutes later, they saw a trapdoor by the closet silently open, before Sheldon's head popped up through the opening. With one finger on his lips, he beckoned them over. Once they were all down the trapdoor and Sheldon had closed it back, he said, "Ok, you're free to talk again, it's soundproof down here."
The trio stared around them in shocked silence. It looked like a secret spy lair, straight out of a spy movie. Their bimbo-blonde neighbor was leaning back in a chair, feet propped up on a table, absently spinning a Berreta M9 around on her finger. She gave them a small wave with her other hand.
Raj whispered into Howard's ear. Howard shook his head for a moment trying to restart his brain, before finally saying, "Raj, and the rest of us, want to know, What the frak?"
Penny brought the front feet of the chair back to the ground, and stood up, holstering her gun. "Sheldon and I are both spies, and a sixteen enemy spies tried to bust in and kill Sheldon due to his super-intelligence. I was put in the apartment across the hall to protect Sheldon, and this is Sheldon's secret spy base. We're about to use the secret escape hatch that's disguised as the broken-down elevator to escape to the ground floor, where other CIA agents will whisk you away to a secret government hideout where your memories of today will be erased and you'll wake up tomorrow morning back in your apartments with massive hangover's and vague memories of some really hot party you all got wasted at."
The trio looked at Sheldon, who they now noticed also had a pair of M9's strapped to his hip.
With a slight shrug, he said, "What she said."
He then walked over to a door in the wall, and opened it, revealing a spiral staircase on one side, and a series of rungs, fastened to the cement wall, running all the way down to the ground on the other side. "After me," he said, starting down the spiral staircase. The trio reluctantly followed him, with Penny bringing up the rear.
When they got to the bottom, Sheldon walked over to a door, and began his triple knock, saying his own name in between. The door opened, and two armed CIA operatives welcomed them in. Walking into the electrical room, Sheldon asked them, "How many did you capture?"
"Seven. We saw two hightail it out, probably going back to their headquarters. There were a few more that eluded capture, and just kind of disappeared. And then there were the four dead ones."
Turning towards Penny, Sheldon said, "That leaves us three to hunt down and kill." Penny nodded her head.
"What do you want us to do, Agent Cooper?" asked the other operative.
"Take these three to have their memories cleared, but don't do it until you get word from Chief. I sent her a message that Agent Queen here may be changing her cover, so we might need to add a few memories as well. Clean the apartment. Also, apartment 3B is empty right now, ask Chief if it can be turned into a spy base as well, attached to mine through the elevator shaft. If she approves of it, go ahead and cut in the trapdoor in Penny's bedroom while the building is still on lockdown."
"Yes sir," replied the operative, saluting him, before turning to Penny. "And a pleasure to finally meet you, Agent Queen. I've heard a lot about your work." The operative saluted her as well, before turning to the trio. "Let's go, there's a vehicle waiting for us just outside."
With that, the two operatives took the trio outside, leaving Sheldon and Penny alone.
"Three enemy spies. How do we find them?"
Sheldon looked at her carefully for a few seconds before responding. "Do you have a problem taking them out cold-blood?"
"They tried to kill you, and would have taken out the other three guys just to clean up loose ends. Of course I'm fine with taking them out cold-blood."
"Good. Because I think I know how. Let's go."
Fifteen minutes later, they were quietly walking down the hallway's of Cal-Tech towards Sheldon's office. As Sheldon had told Penny on the way over, he suspected that one of the enemy spies would try to steal any of Sheldon's work that they could while everyone was concentrated on the apartment.
"Can they get anything useful from your office?" she had asked. "Of course not," he had responded, "but they were stupid enough to attack the apartment with a CIA spy living next door, I'm sure they'll try."
As they approached Sheldon's office, they could hear a small noise emanating from inside. Guns raised, they snuck closer.
Looking at each other and nodding their heads in sync, they whipped around the corner and fired. There was a resounding thud as the body dropped to the floor.
They looked down at the body, and Penny asked, "Is he one of the guys you saw storming the apartment?"
"No, but he is a well known Palestinian assassin, and his uniform matches those I did see. I didn't see all sixteen spies, but I would certainly bet this is one of the three who escaped. Else we've got more than one group to worry about."
"Occam's Razor."
Sheldon nodded, before pulling out his phone and sending a quick text to his CIA team telling them to take care of the body. Penny and Sheldon closed the door behind them, and walked back through the empty halls towards their next target.
Sheldon knew the next one would piss off his superiors to no end, but he wanted to end this as quickly as possible. Making the assumption that the enemy knew Penny was a spy, one of them was bound to go to the Cheesecake Factory to see if it was Penny's base of operation, and see if Penny showed up there. It would piss off his superiors because it was a public area, and likely no way to clean up the kill before someone heard the shot or saw the body and called the police.
Penny and Sheldon holed up in an empty apartment building facing the back and side of the restaurant. Sheldon was peering through the scope of his sniper rifle, as Penny peered through a pair of infrared binoculars.
"He's hiding behind the dumpster, at the corner nearest the back door," said Penny.
A few minutes later, Sheldon saw the backdoor start to open, a worker coming out to take a smoking break. The enemy spy shifted slightly behind the dumpster. The report of Sheldon's sniper rifle broke the silence of the empty apartment as the spies head just barely broke into view on Sheldon's scope.
As they heard a scream from across the street, Sheldon quickly shoved his rifle into the duffle bag and said, "Let's go."
They hurried out of the room and down the stairs to the parking garage underneath the building. Throwing his bag in the trunk, they hopped into Sheldon's five year-old grey Corolla, and pulled out onto the street on the opposite side of the building from the Cheesecake Factory.
"Please tell me you do have a fancier car than this."
"Of course," he replied with a smirk. "This is just the least conspicuous. It's actually not mine, the CIA keeps at least two nondescript vehicles in the garage at all times, and rotates them in and out so that there isn't a single car in the garage that never moves. My cars are in the sub-garage beneath the regular garage. But a red Ferrari 488 Spyder isn't exactly the best for keeping a low profile."
She gave a chuckle, before saying, "So two down, one to go. Where will he be?"
"She, actually. I got the list from my CIA team of who they'd captured and who ran away, and there was one person I saw in the apartment who hasn't been captured, spotted or killed. Everyone's favorite upstairs neighbor, Alicia."
"That bitch! How did none of us see that she was a spy?"
"I suspected it, but never had any proof. Other than befriending the trio, basically the same move you made, to be honest, which was thwarted quite nicely by yourself, I might add, she never made any moves to steal my work or harm me. I believe she was simply an unknown spy-for-hire who choose to move into close proximity to a known intelligence asset, me, to make herself more valuable to anyone wishing to hire her. And then she was hired by this team when they decided to make their move."
"And you think you know where she'll disappear to?"
"She really is an actress, so my guess is her base of operation will be her acting studio. After all, how many dead hooker actresses have their own studios?"
Twenty minutes later, Sheldon pulled into a parking garage at the end of the street Alicia's studio was on. As they got out of the car Sheldon said, "I have one, and we have a combined; if the opportunity is available, do you want this one? She is your bitch, after all."
Penny looked over at a smirking Sheldon. "We get a low-risk situation, then sure. But if either of us consider it too high-risk, we both go in."
Sheldon nodded his head in agreement.
They walked down the street to an alleyway a few buildings down from Alicia's. Then they climbed the fire escape to the roof, and walked across to her building. They crept down the stairs to Alicia's floor. Pausing by the door, Sheldon pressed his ear against the crack of the door. After listening for a minute, he drew back and whispered, "She's here."
They eased open the door and snuck into the hall. Creeping down the hallway, they paused in front of the door to her studio. Sheldon opened it quietly, and Penny slipped in, followed by Sheldon. They made their way down the hall towards where they could hear light shuffling in one of the far rooms. In a mirror on one of the nearer doors on the opposite side, they had a glimpse of Alicia facing away from them, sitting at her desk looking at her laptop. Backs to the wall, they edged up to door of the room she was in, Penny in front.
At the nod of his head, she spun around the door and fired. Sheldon appeared a second later, gun raised. But there was no need; Penny's bullet had done it's job.
"That makes three," Penny said as they walked back down the hall.
"Yep. The trio should be able to be returned to their homes tonight, and wake up tomorrow morning with massive hangover's in place. Want to return to the apartment so you can change into normal clothes, and then we can take the Ferrari to debriefing?"
Penny nodded her head. "Yeah, thanks."
A few hours later, Penny and Sheldon exited the CIA substation. After a thorough chewing out for sniping a suspect in the presence of a civilian, they received accolades for successfully taking care of the threats in record time.
Sheldon's request on Penny's behalf for her to be transferred to a theoretical physicist cover at Cal-Tech had been approved, along with Sheldon's request for himself that she be assigned as his partner. Her first day as Cal-Tech's second String Theory Physicist was Monday. They had even moved Sheldon to a dual office with a sizable collaboration/waiting area when you first walked in, so that he and Penny could work together.
The trio was set to be memory wiped and altered, and then returned to their respective apartments in time for them to wake in the late morning, with massive hangovers, and no memory of the events that had taken place.
Sheldon's request for an adjacent spy base in 3B for Penny had been approved, and was expected to be operational within a month. It would be completed faster, but it had to be built without raising the suspicions of any of the tenants of the building, including the trio that were already set to have a memory wipe in a few hours.
As they walked out the doors, Sheldon asked, "Since I suppose we are officially dating now, and it is supper time, would you like to go out on a dinner date with me, Dr. Queen?"
"That would be lovely, Dr. Cooper," she replied, smiling up at him and taking his hand in hers, letting him lead her to his red Ferrari, gleaming in streetlights.
A/N: "String Theorist Penny" is the sequel to this story, where Sheldon and Penny reveal their relationship and Penny's new job, along with the first day of Penny's new job.
A/N 2: To anyone who thinks, says, or writes "You should have marked this as AU, Why didn't you mark this as AU, Mark this as AU, etc.", my response is this: If you read "Sheldon and Penny are spies" in the description, and couldn't tell on your own that it was not cannon, you need to retake pre-school, and someone needs to talk to your mother about letting you read T-rated stories.