Christmas in Your Eyes
He stood by the window, looking outside, casting a faraway gaze through the frozen window.
The world outside was bright despite the darkness of the night. The snow fell gently from the sky, kissing the earth that welcomed them. Lamps decorated the trees, twinkling merrily in an attempt to match the stars above.
People bustling along the streets of Tokyo, smiles etched on their faces, happiness radiated from their body. The Christmas carol wafted in the air, the soft, calming melodies, spreading the warmth and happiness to those who heard it.
The snow was falling.
Again, Tokyo experienced a White Christmas.
He wanted the Cristmas. He wanted to celebrate it.
A stray memory came to his mind, the one from the time when his life had still been normal, when there were still family for him. The warmth of the room, the food on the table, the candles, the laughter, the mistletoe... the love, the peace and serenity, the feeling of wholeness.
He pressed his hand flat on the freezing window glass.
He wanted that Christmas again.
But who was he to wish on such thing like that?
He was an assasin. He didn't deserve the joy of Christmas.
Tonight was Christmas' Eve and... and tonight, he killed again.
He killed again, tonight, in a house that was decorated with Christmas' ornaments.
He had stained his soul again.
A saying said that when a person was born to the world, his soul was clean, clear like a glass. Devoid of any sin.
But with each sin he made, he had stained the glass. He had stained his soul.
If that was true... if that was true than he didn't have any clear space anymore in his glass. He had done too much sin to save the clear space of his glass.
He gazed through the window and he saw the church. It must be filled with people by now, in the final moments to beg for forgiveness to the God before the Christmas' day finally come.
He wanted Christmas.
How long had it been since he last experience real Christmas?
He wanted to go to the church and hearing the the sermon, no matter how boring it might be. He wanted to stand there, holding a candle as they sang praises songs and the Christmas carols. He wanted to go home finding out the happy faces or the people he cared about, finding food, no matter how humble on the table to be eaten together, to give presents to his beloveds.
But he didn't.
He couldn't.
For he had sinned. For when the other people asked for forgiveness of their sins, he made more new sins. And no matter how much he wanted to believe that he did it for the benefit of other people, he couldn't denied the truth that he knew all too well.
He had sinned. For other people, for himself... he had sinned., no matter what the excuse.
But...
But he wanted Christmas, really.
Every year he felt it, the yearning to experience the Christmas' Eve like he had used to the days before he was swallowed by this darkness.
He watched as the snow fell, landing gently on the earth below. He heard the Christmas' carol and the laughters that came from the passerbys down there.
Joy to the world, Joy to everyone's heart.
But not to his heart, as well as his teammates' heart as he knew it all too well.
The door behind him clicked open softly. He soon felt the other man's presence. He always knew it whenever it came to him. He had grown to know it by heart.
"Koi," the other man, his lover, said as he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. "You should rest. You looked so tensed and tired today. You'd better rest now, ne"
He made no move from where he stood.
"Aren't you sad?" he finally asked quietly, despair and sadness evident in his strained voice. "Don't you wish you could have Christmas like other people do?"
"Koi," he heard his lover sighed softly. "You know there is nothing we could do about that"
When he kept silent, the other man continued, prodded gently. "What do you want for Christmas? What do you want to do to celebrate it? You know, maybe I can cook some food and call the other to have dinner together"
"... We'll only have a pathetic little Christmas..."
His lover smiled a little from beside him.
"Ne, Ken, what do you want for Christmas?" he asked quetly, still casting a faraway gaze outside.
"For this Christmas? I want a person to love, a person to share every laughter and tears with, a person whom I can feel safe and warm with, a person who love me," he smiled, a faint blush marring his cheeks. "For this Christmas, I want you, Aya"
His gaze diverted from a point somewhere far away that he had been staring at for minutes to the young man that stood beside him. He looked at the brunette and felt his warmth and love. He looked into the deep chocolate orbs and found a strange sense of calmness, of comfort and peace.
He looked at his lover, and he found what he had been seeking, what he wanted for Christmas.
"What I want for Cristmas..." out of instinc his hand reach out to the younger man and he kissed him gently. "... I want you too"
Ken smiled gently, all the warmth and the love that was only for him. "So," the brunette continued. "Should I cook some food? There are still some beers in the referigerator. And then, you can tell me what has been bothering you"
He shook his head. "No, I don't need the food," he said. "I just want to go to sleep. Mind to accompany me? I don't feel like going to sleep alone tonight..."
The younger man grinned. "Okay"
And looking into the dephtless brown pools again, he felt his feeling getting better.
Sure, there was still a yearning for the Christmas he had used to have, sure there was still regrets, sadness and everything else that was beyond words but...
He had his own Christmas.
His Christmas was the one in his lover's eyes.
~owari^^~