Impossible
You want it
Know you shouldn't want it
No, you shouldn't want it!
Want it anyway.
You want the warm slick slide of metal
Sudden snick of cold undoing
Wash of wet fire through your limbs
And taste of copper in your throat.
To feel his fingers
Slither-slide-sneak in your systems
Soul unzipped and body open
Want the weight, the white, the overwhelming
Want the melting
Want.
The want is hard and hollow in your gut
Your whole body is hole.
You reach for something that was never there
For something he can never give you
Something you can never give to him.
You wish you had the right equipment:
Were more selfish
More assertive
Moe fulfilled
More filled.
You wish you were, for once, the one who takes.
You tell yourself you will be faithful
Unselfish
Restrained
You tell yourself this isn't him
This isn't you
(it is)
You tell yourself all of these things-
But still you want.
Want to be taken
Token
Torch aflame
Want to be overcome
You want it
Shouldn't want it
Know you shouldn't want it
No.
You close your eyes and tell yourself
to stop.
You wish-
You wait-
You want-
You shouldn't want
You go.