The Sacrifice
By Andrea
Disclaimer: do not own any of these characters. They are property of Mutant Enemy.
Chapter 1 - voices
She felt her head drop.
Painfully.
Regretfully.
The whole room around her bathed in excruciating silence. Her heart was about to explode. Or was it her head? She didn't know. At this point, she did not really care either.
Cordelia kneeled on the ground, wearing nothing extravagant or fancy, just old sweatpants and a tight dark blue t-shirt, and she let her fingers carefully linger on a piece of metal. Her heart stumbled within her chest and nearly broke itself into pieces.
But despite her heart's misbehaviour, her eyes reflected pure despair, masked by raw anger.
She was angry.
She was sad, but she was angry.
And now, all of a sudden, kneeling down on the cold floor in the basement of the Hyperion, she felt lost.
She was lost.
She leaned back on her heels and looked up, almost pleadingly. Begging with her eyes.
She heard that voice in her head once again. That voice she so desperately wanted to believe.
"Everything's going to be alright.trust me."
That voice. That young, confident, reassuring female voice. Nothing was alright. Nothing.
She had lost them. She had lost herself.
Cordelia removed her hand from the sword that lied on the ground and took a deep breath, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ears.
One small tear rolled down her cheek, before she closed her eyes and clenched her jaw, painfully.
--
"How is she?" a familiar female voice asked.
Wesley, Gunn and Fred exchanged a worried look before turning back towards Buffy, Xander and Willow.
"Not good." Wesley finally said as his voice threatened to choke.
"I don't understand.I mean.how? Why?" Xander spoke in a barely audible voice as the realization dawned upon him. "I mean.Cordy?"
Buffy lowered her eyes, obviously struck by an emotional whirlwind.
"Has she had any other visions since it happened?" Buffy managed to ask.
"Yes. One." Wesley answered before taking a shallow breath. "Supposedly painless, but." he began but stopped himself.
"That's not where the pain comes from anymore." Fred finished his thought.
"Maybe if I talk to her." Buffy whispered, almost to herself, but loud enough so that everyone heard.
"I don't think that's a good idea." Gunn finally spoke up, his tired face facing the slayer.
"Maybe I can help.I know what she must be going through." she tried to explain but the words failed her.
"I don't think you do." Wesley gently informed Buffy. "I don't mean to diminish anything that's happened to you, or the things that you do, and did.but I don't think it's a good idea for you to talk to her."
"Well, somebody needs to be there for her." Willow said in a sad tone.
"She won't listen to you." Fred said as a tear rolled down her face. "She won't listen to anyone anymore."
Fred's voice was shaking, breaking into the thick air that filled the Hyperion.
It was suffocating now.
Almost dead.
"She will never trust anymore." Wesley finished Fred's musings in a bare whisper.
"Where is she?" Willow asked.
"Downstairs." Gunn answered, bending his head down as a signal he wasn't going to say anything more.
It had been two days. Two long, agonizing days.
They couldn't help her.
She had shut them out.
She had shut herself out in some way too.
"What is she doing there?" Buffy asked, paying attention to the somber faces of Cordelia and Angel's friends.
"Nothing. Anything." Fred replied in a quiet voice.
"She's probably pushing herself towards exhaustion because that's the only way she's found to not think about this for 2 seconds." Wesley added in a worried yet sad tone. "She's probably practicing her newly acquired passion for sword fighting." he added, sounding pensive.
"Sword fighting?" Xander could not help but inquire. "Cordy fights? With a sword?"
"Well, that's a good thing, right?" Buffy tried to put into perspective. "She's trying to do something.she's trying to get back up.I would think that's a good thing."
She stopped herself when she saw Wesley's tear-filled eyes stare back at her.
"Not when every time she picks up that sword, it kills her a little more."
--
Cordelia's eyes spitted anger into the darkness of the basement. She stood, immobile, in a fighting position, holding a sword in front of her.
Nothing mattered.
Nothing mattered anymore.
The guilt, the hatred, the tears, the anger..the suffering.shone through her eyes as she stared in front of herself.
She found herself doing something she had not been particularly found of in the first place. She was practicing those slow-motion techniques Angel had taught her.
"Everything's going to be alright.trust me." she heard that voice inside of her again.
Anyone who would have looked at her from a distance would have said she was relaxed, calm even.
But she wasn't. Her eyes were filled with sadness, pain and mostly anger. That never-ending anger. Why was she angry? Who was she so angry at? The answer was simple yet so complicated.
Herself.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" His voice. Angel's voice.
Cordelia closed her eyes as she continued her silent ritual.
"Don't be afraid to let yourself be saved."
Why had she listened to her, Cordelia wondered as she swung the sword into the air in a fast-paced move suddenly.
"Ok, then, let's just get this over with." she heard her own voice repeat the words in her head.
"Look at yourself!" that teenage voice again.
Cordelia held her breath and swung the sword into the darkness again.
"Cordy, you know what you have to do." Angel's voice rang in her head repeatedly.
"I can't do this." she remembered answering in a faint voice.
1 "You won't have to." She heard him say again as she inhaled painfully. "I'll be fine."
Those words. Those small words.
"I'll be fine.I'll be fine.I'll be fine.everything's going to be okay..trust me.I'll be fine."
All the voices chanted together in an agonizing cry inside her head and Cordelia couldn't stand it anymore. She dropped the sword to the ground and fell to her knees almost immediately after. She bowed her head down and suddenly her mind stopped shouting.
Silence again.
She opened her eyes and looked at an invisibly marked spot in the middle of the room and the silence was broken once more.
"One of us deserves to be saved." that teenage female voice whispered in her head once more.
Cordy leaned her back against the wall and wrapped her arms around her legs.
She didn't feel like she had been saved.
She didn't feel saved at all.
--
"She's strong. She'll get back up. She's Cordy." Xander spoke as if it was that simple. "She's not one to dwell on guilt for too long."
Wesley looked at him and then lowered his eyes.
"She's not that Cordy anymore.." He told him with a bit of pride in his voice. "I know it's easier for all of you to think of the Queen C that made your lives miserable in high school but.so much has changed. She's seen so much, and felt so much.The girl who didn't care, with the quick tongue and the loud mouth.that's not Cordy anymore. At least not entirely. She's not invincible Xander. She never was.even though she tried to be." He said. "I'm not sure either of you would recognize her anymore.And after this.now."
"She's alone." Buffy finished, understanding perfectly what Wesley meant.
"She's not alone." Willow said in an insisting voice, but she stopped herself.
They all stayed silent for a while.
Struck by the news. Struck by emotions. Struck by the simple shock that all of this could have happened so fast.
Struck by so many little things that made them silent.
"At the risk of sounding redundant, how??" Xander asked once again, this time in a barely audible whisper that broke everybody's hearts. "How did this all happen?" he asked, bewildered.
"When you called." Wesley said as he addressed Buffy.
The confused look in her eyes prompted him to continue.
"It all began when you left that message for Cordelia about her cousin."
".Emily." Buffy whispered, remembering.
"It all began with Emily." Wesley spoke in a low, painful tone as he remembered the events of that week.
By Andrea
Disclaimer: do not own any of these characters. They are property of Mutant Enemy.
Chapter 1 - voices
She felt her head drop.
Painfully.
Regretfully.
The whole room around her bathed in excruciating silence. Her heart was about to explode. Or was it her head? She didn't know. At this point, she did not really care either.
Cordelia kneeled on the ground, wearing nothing extravagant or fancy, just old sweatpants and a tight dark blue t-shirt, and she let her fingers carefully linger on a piece of metal. Her heart stumbled within her chest and nearly broke itself into pieces.
But despite her heart's misbehaviour, her eyes reflected pure despair, masked by raw anger.
She was angry.
She was sad, but she was angry.
And now, all of a sudden, kneeling down on the cold floor in the basement of the Hyperion, she felt lost.
She was lost.
She leaned back on her heels and looked up, almost pleadingly. Begging with her eyes.
She heard that voice in her head once again. That voice she so desperately wanted to believe.
"Everything's going to be alright.trust me."
That voice. That young, confident, reassuring female voice. Nothing was alright. Nothing.
She had lost them. She had lost herself.
Cordelia removed her hand from the sword that lied on the ground and took a deep breath, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ears.
One small tear rolled down her cheek, before she closed her eyes and clenched her jaw, painfully.
--
"How is she?" a familiar female voice asked.
Wesley, Gunn and Fred exchanged a worried look before turning back towards Buffy, Xander and Willow.
"Not good." Wesley finally said as his voice threatened to choke.
"I don't understand.I mean.how? Why?" Xander spoke in a barely audible voice as the realization dawned upon him. "I mean.Cordy?"
Buffy lowered her eyes, obviously struck by an emotional whirlwind.
"Has she had any other visions since it happened?" Buffy managed to ask.
"Yes. One." Wesley answered before taking a shallow breath. "Supposedly painless, but." he began but stopped himself.
"That's not where the pain comes from anymore." Fred finished his thought.
"Maybe if I talk to her." Buffy whispered, almost to herself, but loud enough so that everyone heard.
"I don't think that's a good idea." Gunn finally spoke up, his tired face facing the slayer.
"Maybe I can help.I know what she must be going through." she tried to explain but the words failed her.
"I don't think you do." Wesley gently informed Buffy. "I don't mean to diminish anything that's happened to you, or the things that you do, and did.but I don't think it's a good idea for you to talk to her."
"Well, somebody needs to be there for her." Willow said in a sad tone.
"She won't listen to you." Fred said as a tear rolled down her face. "She won't listen to anyone anymore."
Fred's voice was shaking, breaking into the thick air that filled the Hyperion.
It was suffocating now.
Almost dead.
"She will never trust anymore." Wesley finished Fred's musings in a bare whisper.
"Where is she?" Willow asked.
"Downstairs." Gunn answered, bending his head down as a signal he wasn't going to say anything more.
It had been two days. Two long, agonizing days.
They couldn't help her.
She had shut them out.
She had shut herself out in some way too.
"What is she doing there?" Buffy asked, paying attention to the somber faces of Cordelia and Angel's friends.
"Nothing. Anything." Fred replied in a quiet voice.
"She's probably pushing herself towards exhaustion because that's the only way she's found to not think about this for 2 seconds." Wesley added in a worried yet sad tone. "She's probably practicing her newly acquired passion for sword fighting." he added, sounding pensive.
"Sword fighting?" Xander could not help but inquire. "Cordy fights? With a sword?"
"Well, that's a good thing, right?" Buffy tried to put into perspective. "She's trying to do something.she's trying to get back up.I would think that's a good thing."
She stopped herself when she saw Wesley's tear-filled eyes stare back at her.
"Not when every time she picks up that sword, it kills her a little more."
--
Cordelia's eyes spitted anger into the darkness of the basement. She stood, immobile, in a fighting position, holding a sword in front of her.
Nothing mattered.
Nothing mattered anymore.
The guilt, the hatred, the tears, the anger..the suffering.shone through her eyes as she stared in front of herself.
She found herself doing something she had not been particularly found of in the first place. She was practicing those slow-motion techniques Angel had taught her.
"Everything's going to be alright.trust me." she heard that voice inside of her again.
Anyone who would have looked at her from a distance would have said she was relaxed, calm even.
But she wasn't. Her eyes were filled with sadness, pain and mostly anger. That never-ending anger. Why was she angry? Who was she so angry at? The answer was simple yet so complicated.
Herself.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" His voice. Angel's voice.
Cordelia closed her eyes as she continued her silent ritual.
"Don't be afraid to let yourself be saved."
Why had she listened to her, Cordelia wondered as she swung the sword into the air in a fast-paced move suddenly.
"Ok, then, let's just get this over with." she heard her own voice repeat the words in her head.
"Look at yourself!" that teenage voice again.
Cordelia held her breath and swung the sword into the darkness again.
"Cordy, you know what you have to do." Angel's voice rang in her head repeatedly.
"I can't do this." she remembered answering in a faint voice.
1 "You won't have to." She heard him say again as she inhaled painfully. "I'll be fine."
Those words. Those small words.
"I'll be fine.I'll be fine.I'll be fine.everything's going to be okay..trust me.I'll be fine."
All the voices chanted together in an agonizing cry inside her head and Cordelia couldn't stand it anymore. She dropped the sword to the ground and fell to her knees almost immediately after. She bowed her head down and suddenly her mind stopped shouting.
Silence again.
She opened her eyes and looked at an invisibly marked spot in the middle of the room and the silence was broken once more.
"One of us deserves to be saved." that teenage female voice whispered in her head once more.
Cordy leaned her back against the wall and wrapped her arms around her legs.
She didn't feel like she had been saved.
She didn't feel saved at all.
--
"She's strong. She'll get back up. She's Cordy." Xander spoke as if it was that simple. "She's not one to dwell on guilt for too long."
Wesley looked at him and then lowered his eyes.
"She's not that Cordy anymore.." He told him with a bit of pride in his voice. "I know it's easier for all of you to think of the Queen C that made your lives miserable in high school but.so much has changed. She's seen so much, and felt so much.The girl who didn't care, with the quick tongue and the loud mouth.that's not Cordy anymore. At least not entirely. She's not invincible Xander. She never was.even though she tried to be." He said. "I'm not sure either of you would recognize her anymore.And after this.now."
"She's alone." Buffy finished, understanding perfectly what Wesley meant.
"She's not alone." Willow said in an insisting voice, but she stopped herself.
They all stayed silent for a while.
Struck by the news. Struck by emotions. Struck by the simple shock that all of this could have happened so fast.
Struck by so many little things that made them silent.
"At the risk of sounding redundant, how??" Xander asked once again, this time in a barely audible whisper that broke everybody's hearts. "How did this all happen?" he asked, bewildered.
"When you called." Wesley said as he addressed Buffy.
The confused look in her eyes prompted him to continue.
"It all began when you left that message for Cordelia about her cousin."
".Emily." Buffy whispered, remembering.
"It all began with Emily." Wesley spoke in a low, painful tone as he remembered the events of that week.