Break of Day
Summer 2011
The woods were glowing golden. A myriad of amber and orange tones reflecting through the branches above her. She took a deep breath, soaking in the early morning air. It'd be hot in no time. But right now, even it for just this moment in time, it was perfect. She stretched back across the blanket she'd spread, rested her body carefully against the ground, and closed her eyes. She could feel the sun spread across her skin as it climbed higher in the sky and she reveled in its warmth.
It was slowly healing her. Slower than she'd like, but a little more each day. Patience didn't come easy for her. Neither did accepting the complete lack of control she felt. And there was nothing quick about this process. Sometimes it felt like everything, absolutely everything, was a battle. A constant war within herself that she wasn't sure she had the strength to fight any longer.
She needed these moments desperately. She'd grown to savor the quiet and the solitude that this place provided her. One sleepless night about a month after she'd gotten there, she'd finally given up on tossing and turning and wandered outside. She'd been a wreck - tears staining her cheeks, eyes swollen, and chest aching as though she was right back in the cemetery. She'd walked until she could barely breathe, the scars on her chest straining with every step. Gasping, she'd practically collapsed onto the ground in the woods. She didn't know how long she'd sat there listening to the sound of her ragged breaths and she struggled to hold herself together, but just when she'd been about to climb back to her feet, the first glints of sunlight began to shine through the trees.
She'd never put much faith in magic, fate, and the sorts of things he'd always wished for her to believe in. But that morning, barely standing, weak and broken, she found herself frozen in awe of the light. In complete reverence at how the smallest beams of sun illuminated everything, bringing life to all that they touched. And she couldn't help but feel like somehow, somehow maybe they could bring her back to life, as well.
Every morning since, she'd been forcing herself to climb out of bed in the pre-dawn hours. She'd grab a blanket and make the walk, a little bit further each day as she gained some of her strength back. The woods had become her sanctuary. The sunrise her resurrection from the darkness that threatened to swallow her each night.
She heard a noise above her and opened her eyes again, noticing a squirrel climbing a precarious looking branch. It stretched its little body over the edge to retrieve a cluster of berries and the entire limb shook, threatening to snap under the creature's weight. Her eyes narrowed as she watched the squirrel skitter to the end of the bowed limb and leap fearlessly to the next tree, racing up the trunk and out of sight.
She let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, feeling a rush of tension escape her lungs. Stupid squirrel - risking a fall for just a couple of berries. As soon as she had the thought, she found herself shaking her head. She really was a mess.
Even a damn squirrel had more courage than her now.
Her thoughts drifted to him, as they seemed to nearly all the time. She wondered how he was doing, hoped that he was happy. God, he deserved to be happy. She looked at her father's watch. Knowing, him, he was probably sleeping at this time of the morning without her to wake him at the crack of dawn when a body dropped.
Or maybe he had trouble sleeping too. Nightmares of that day like she had every time she shut her eyes. The sound of gunshots echoing in her ears so loudly that she'd end up shaking, cowered in the floor beside her bed, griping the sheets that had fallen alongside her until she could steady her racing pulse.
Her chest clenched tighter and she fought to suck in enough air. The guilt of all the time gone by weighed so heavily on her. The guilt for leaving and something else entirely. A separate ache, somehow deeper than even the hole in her chest. She'd been feeling it for a while now. She missed him. She missed him a lot.
Never since her mother's death had she needed someone else so much. She'd been so used to missing her mom for all these years that she'd never realized that she'd somehow let him in enough that she'd feel his absence almost as strongly.
Every day she fought the urge to call. It was an urge that was only growing stronger, the longer she stayed away. She desperately wished she could see him - at least just hear his voice. But she was a coward, both weakened and made stronger by his words. She wasn't ready to face them, couldn't be the person he deserved while she was this shattered version of herself, but she selfishly clung to what she only hoped they meant. Let them provide a glimmer of hope, a reason to push forward through each night and the darkness that seemed to surround her. No matter how she tried, she'd never forget them. I love you. Could he really have meant them?
At first she'd not been able to separate the emotions they'd stirred up. A muddled mess of anger, fear, and something she suspected but couldn't yet admit to herself was love. So she'd done the only thing she knew. The only thing she thought would eliminate the chaos of her broken body and heart – she'd run. She'd thought she'd be safer here, away from the city and the fears she wasn't ready to face. But she'd realized she couldn't outrun the thoughts. Her mind was bound by them. Her heart ached to be worthy of them. They ate at her, had her shaking and frustrated over silly things like squirrels in trees.
Maybe she really should call him. Maybe it was time to quit being a coward. Maybe…tomorrow she'd be strong enough.
She sighed and pushed herself up off the blanket, climbing to her feet again, body stiffening as the temperature had begun to rise.
But as she turned back toward the house, she saw the outline of someone walking down the path, face hidden by the lower branches. For a moment she was too stunned to react. It couldn't be…
She could feel the tears pooling in her eyes as he made his way to her. The cautious hope spreading through her veins with every step he took closer.
"Kate," he breathed her name, stopping for a moment in front of her, his face the picture of amazement, as if he couldn't believe she was actually there. Her face was a mirror of his; eyes widened, gleaming green in the morning light and before she could respond he was pulling her close, his arms a cautious circle around her waist, his face buried into the waves of her hair. "Kate," he said again softly. "I've missed you so much."
She felt her body unconsciously responding to his touch, relaxing into the solid strength of his frame and she tucked her head into the crook of his neck. The difference in their heights allowed him to cradle her against his chest, while his hands traced a pattern against her back, so natural. So right.
"Castle." His name was all she could choke out as she fought to contain her tears, the overwhelming sensation of being wrapped up completely in him.
She'd forgotten what this felt like - to be surrounded by those arms, his voice low and rough. The warmth of his presence was so much greater than the sunrise, easing the ache that had been ever-present since that somber day. For a moment she found herself wishing he'd never let go.
"Let me help you, Kate. Please. Please don't shut me out anymore," he murmured against her skin.
She fought to find the words, so torn inside. She was still such a mess. Still so conflicted. But she wasn't strong enough to deny him now. Not when he was the only thing holding her up. The only thing that had felt right in such a long time. She nodded her head, "Okay."
She startled awake at the sound of thunder in the distance, blinking confusedly, reaching out to her side, grasping at empty space. She was still in the woods but…alone. Her breath caught as she came back to consciousness, and she could feel the sob choking in her throat.
She was alone. She must…she must have only been dreaming. Must have fallen asleep on the blanket, after only getting a few restless hours the night before. Her heart sank and she swiped at her cheeks, feeling the salty trails of tears that had dried on her skin.
It was only a dream.
She looked around her, feeling more alone than ever. The morning glow was all but gone now, replaced by the harsher summer rays and dark clouds along the skyline. The ache ripped through her chest as she stood and yanked the blanket off the ground bitterly.
Just a stupidly cruel dream.
She pulled her phone from her pocket and scrolled to his name in her contacts list, staring down at his face, as she'd done a million times before this summer. Why couldn't it have been real? Why couldn't she just be strong enough to hit the little green call button?
Because all she was would never be enough for him. Her insecurity overwhelmed her. But the dream was still strong in her mind. The feel of his arms around her, the small bit of peace it'd have given her. She'd do anything to have that again. To make it real.
It was in that moment she realized, she had to go back. She couldn't hide anymore. Even if she wasn't ready. Even if she was afraid. She had something to fight for. Something worth working toward. She couldn't do this on her own anymore. It was time to quit running.
AN: Hope you've all had a wonderful holiday! This little oneshot was inspired by a set of pretty pictures of the woods that are on my tumblr if you'd like to check them out: the4rightchords dot tumblr dot com
Thank you for reading and as always appreciate your thoughts/comments!