Call Me Crazy

by Morgaine's Shadow

I couldn’t help but laugh at my own stupidity. 'Stupid idiot,' I told myself. 'He’s been right in front of you the whole time.' "

Disclaimer: The world of Harry Potter belongs entirely to J.K. Rowling, so these characters are not mine. Besides, suing me would not make you a very big profit, so don't bother.

Author's Note: This was the first fic I ever started, but not by a long shot the first one I finished. Please review; you'll get a cookie!!

I sat in the Gryffindor common room doing my homework, as always. Never mind that it was a Friday night, or that Potter had obtained a case of butterbeers, and everyone was celebrating the end of the first week of classes. A stupid thing to celebrate, I thought, watching Potter and his friends joking and laughing and flirting with all the girls. All except me, though it was only a matter of time before Potter got drunk and asked me out again. Watching them, I found, was much more entertaining than my Arithmancy essay, and so I set it aside and observed. Therein lay my mistake, because I found my attention focused on the boy who I had loved since the first time he sat in my train compartment, and who was least likely to notice me, when he had much more willing admirers than the bookish and strict Lily Evans. My heart thumped unevenly as I watched him lazily recline on a couch, his robes tight over his muscular chest. A half-empty bottle dangled from his hand, and while he lay there he downed the rest of its contents. That has to be his fourth, I thought.

As I watched, he called out, "Rosie! Come over and sit by me!" Rosaline Thomas laughed her infuriating tinkling little laugh and perched herself on the couch by Sirius Black. He put his hand on her waist and she leaned down to kiss him. Potter wolf-whistled as his best friend snogged Rosaline, who I wanted to impale with Godric Gryffindor's famous sword for being in the position I had always dreamed of. I smiled at the image in my head and went back to my Arithmancy.

As I picked up my quill, another voice, one I was much less interested in, yelled out, "Evans! Hey, Evans!" Against my better judgment, I turned around. Sure enough, James Potter was looking right at me. Sirius had stopped kissing Rosaline and was now watching his best friend, laughing. "Will you go out with me, Evans?" Potter called, his words slightly slurred. I turned back to my homework, unimpressed. The only reason I would go out with you, I thought acidly, would be because your best friend might take some notice of my presence.

"It's a lost cause, mate!" said Sirius. " Too bad…" And at his words, a horrible plan formed itself in my mind of which I was hardly aware. All I knew was that at that moment my mouth had a mind of its own.

Unthinkingly, I spun back around to face the prat I hated. "Sure Potter," I said. Giving up any hope of finishing my essay, I gathered my things, grabbing a butterbeer on my way out of the common room. I walked up the private staircase that led to the Head Girl's chambers, connected by an enchanted door to James's (who, unfortunately, was Head Boy). As I left I noticed with satisfaction that Potter was surprised, and Sirius stunned. Remus Lupin, the only one of Potter's friends I got on with, had taken his nose out of his book and was staring at me. Peter Pettigrew started to clap and everyone shouted their surprise. I smirked to myself. Good riddance, I thought.

The next morning, Potter was waiting in the common room when I went down for breakfast. That surprised me. He smiled when I saw him, and quickly I smiled back. "Hey, Pot—James," I corrected hastily.

"Hey, Lily." My name rolled smoothly off his tongue; he didn't stumble as I had. "So…are you hungry?" He asked the question as if he really cared whether I was hungry, and would give up his own breakfast if I weren't. The thought of this disconcerted me.

"I'm famished, actually," I said. Then I laughed, surprising myself. "Let's go."

On the way down to breakfast I walked slightly behind James, thinking. Having never given him a chance before, I was finding him frighteningly easy to talk to. I found myself thinking, Maybe we can be friends.

In the Great Hall, I followed James to his usual seat with Sirius, Remus, and Peter; it was not far from my normal seat, though that was only because I was always near Sirius if I could help it. We sat down together and everyone's attention suddenly fell on us. "Hi," I said nervously.

Lupin greeted me happily. "Hey, Lily," he said, smiling. Peter, too greeted me, but I didn't like the way he looked at me—hungrily, as though he were a rat and I a piece of cheese.

Sirius was the last to greet me, his grey eyes traveling over my body as if noticing me for the first time. "Hey," he said easily. I deliberately sat across from him, the better to start a conversation. "So, you finally got her," he said to James. He smirked.

"Yeah, I did." James smiled at me as he buttered his toast. His expression took me off guard—it was so purely happy, it scared me.

Flustered, I turned to Sirius. "So, what are you planning to do this year?" I teased. "Blow up a girl's lavatory? Turn the greenhouses into igloos?"

He laughed, and I was pleased with myself. I'm flirting, I thought, amazed at my own boldness.

To my annoyance, James answered my question. "No, we were thinking more along the lines of transfiguring the suits of armor into mice."

"I'm impressed," I said. "But surely you shouldn't be telling the Head Girl this."

"Oh, no." Sirius waved off my comment. "We trust you."

"Really?" I said, surprised. My heart leaped at the thought that Sirius might have noticed me, had to have noticed me enough to trust me.

"Sure. Anyway, what are you two going to do today?" He looked at James as he said this and winked.

James grimaced. "I forgot…I have a detention tonight with McGonagall. But I suppose before that we could go to Hogsmeade."

"Wait," I said, confused. "What do you mean, Hogsmeade? And how did you—the Head Boy—possibly manage a detention in the first week? Oh, wait, that's right—you're James Potter!" I laughed, and to my surprise everyone else did too. "But, seriously. What's this about Hogsmeade?" Of course, I had a feeling I that I could guess. Having known James and Sirius for almost seven years, I had developed a sort of instinct for their pranks and tricks.

"Ah, as for that, love, you'll just have to wait and see," said Sirius with a dazzling, enigmatic smile.

After a few seconds I realized I was staring and looked down at my plate of food, blushing.

My left hand rested on the table, and I jumped when James took it. "Will you come to Hogsmeade with us, then?" he asked. Knowing that Sirius was going to be there, I agreed.

I pulled my hand out of his on the pretense of serving myself more eggs. "We won't get caught, will we?" I said. I knew I was being childish by worrying, but I couldn't help myself. As soon as I said it I blushed again. Sirius likes daring girls, I thought. Be braver, I ordered myself.

Sirius smiled again. "'Course not, love. This is our specialty." I noticed that Sirius had cut James off as he spoke. Is he flirting back? I hardly dared to believe the thought.

While we finished breakfast the three of us talked, with Remus occasionally cutting in with a comment. Peter just sat and listened the whole time; the only word for the look on his face that I could think of was worship. As we talked I found myself liking them all more. I was surprised that they seemed to like me too, as I had always considered them out of my league and vice versa. They were mischievous and sarcastic (with the exception of Remus), and I was shy, quiet, and kept to the rules. But suddenly I felt as if we were more alike than I thought.

James finished breakfast when I did (Coincidence? I thought not.) and we walked back up to the common room, hand in hand. As he prattled on happily about anything and everything I tried to envision Sirius in his place holding my hand, but it was hard. I kept forgetting my purpose and found that I didn't mind James's touch. When I realized this I doubled my resolve to snare Sirius and made my internal deadline the end of the day. I would make it impossible for Sirius to not notice me.

"When are we going to the village?" I asked James.

"We can go any time you're ready." The casual tenderness of his voice startled me.

"Oh. Okay," I replied. "And Remus and Sirius are coming?" I hoped he couldn't hear the eagerness in my voice.

"And Peter, too," said James.

"Oh," I said again. For a reasonably smart girl I was making extremely dull conversation.

We reached the entrance to the common room. "Caddywompus," said James, and the Fat Lady swung forward to admit us. James took my arm as I stepped through the portrait hole. I flinched when he touched me, but a part of me enjoyed the feeling of his warm hand.

"I'll go get ready," I told James as I ran up the stairs, despite my effort to not appear anxious.

In my room I changed into a short black dress with a low neckline and flowing sleeves. I wore it as a tunic over tight jeans. After I changed and brushed my hair I hurried back to James.

"Let's go," I said as soon as I was down the stairs. James just stared at me, eyes wide. I couldn't identify it, but something in his gaze startled me. "Come on, then."

He seemed to snap out of it, and stood from the couch. Together we walked from the room, his arm around my waist.

As we walked I considered this point, that James liked me much more than I had suspected. I thought that once I actually agreed to go out with him that he would lose interest fast. But he just seemed to like me even more, if the way he looked at me was any indication. No, I thought, I'm just imagining things. Besides, it's still early.

Then I noticed where we were—or rather, where we were not. We were nowhere near the Entrance Hall. "Where are we?" I asked James.

"Don't worry, love, you'll see," he said with a mysterious smile.

He has a nice smile, I thought. Then I remembered Sirius and the smile he gave me at breakfast. That image brought a new wave of anticipation.

Just as I was becoming impatient, James stopped abruptly in the middle of a corridor next to a statue of a humpbacked, one-eyed witch. The hall was familiar, but I was confused as to why we were standing in the middle of it for no apparent reason. As soon as I thought this, Peter, Remus, and Sirius came around the corner.

It occurred to me that this must be their meeting place.

"Oi," called Sirius. My heart did a flip. "Morning mate!"

"Hey," James said casually to his friends as they reached us.

Sirius shook his long mane of black hair. I shivered. "Hey, Lily," he said.

I smiled back at him in what I hoped was a seductive way. "Hi, Sirius."

"Let's go, then," said Remus impatiently, but smiling slightly. I think he could see through my inexperienced flirting.

"All right, all right, keep your hairnet on, Moony," said James. Remus shot a sharp glance in my direction, and James just shrugged. I wondered what I had just missed.

Then, inexplicably, James turned to the statue of the one-eyed witch. He tapped its hump with his wand and muttered, "Dissendium." I watched, wide-eyed, as the witch's hump opened up, revealing a passageway. The hole was wide enough to accommodate a thin person, and my gaze grew even more astonished as Sirius turned to me, winked, and descended headfirst through the opening.

James looked at me and gestured toward the hole. "Ladies first," he said. I warily approached the entrance to the passageway and peered down. It was dark, so I had no idea how long a drop it was.

Sirius must have been watching me, because he called up, "Don't worry, love, I'll catch you."

I was about to make a sharp retort when I had an idea. If I played it correctly, this could be my chance.

Still slightly unsure, I pulled myself up and put my head and shoulders into the hole and felt myself sliding downward. I pushed myself as hard as I could and twisted into an awkward position. I expected to hit hard ground but instead a pair of strong arms caught me. Sirius's arms. Immediately I leaned into him as he helped me up. Sirius smelled…musky, a naturally sweet but somehow animal scent. A bit of his hair tickled my face as I stood up straight. I could feel his warm breath on my skin. Somehow I knew he was smiling. "Careful, love," he said softly.

"Sirius…" I breathed.

"What, love?"

Suddenly there was a sound behind me. At first I didn't care if James saw me in the arms of his best friend, but then I realized I did. I don't want to hurt him, I thought, and I pulled away reluctantly before James lit the passageway with his wand. I chalked up the thought to instinctual compassion and once again wrapped my mind around the dilemma of getting Sirius—but without hurting James. There has to be a way, I thought.

As we snuck into Honeydukes and drank butterbeers at The Three Broomsticks my resolve failed more and more often. I found myself at ease with James, who seemed to know me very well. He knew my favorite candy and even ordered my butterbeer with a splash of cherry syrup, as I always did. I could sense a friendship forming between us, and between the others and me.

By the time we started down the passageway again, I had almost forgotten about Sirius. Instead of staring into his sparkling grey eyes, I gazed into pools of bright amber. James became, if possible, more friendly to me as the day went on, and as we walked back to the castle he put his arm around my waist. I found myself leaning into him, something I wouldn't have believed possible a short while before.

That night I sat in the common room with Remus and Sirius. James was doing his detention, and Peter had one too, hence because it was so late it was just the three of us. Despite spending the day together, being with Sirius still made my heart flutter (though considerably less than before).

Tentatively I broke the silence. "Why does James ask me out so often?"

Remus and Sirius shared a silent glance. "He loves you," said Remus, scrutinizing me. "We thought that much would be obvious."

"But…I thought he was just trying to annoy me. I didn't realize…" I was taken aback at this news. I had thought he would just take me out on one idiotic date and then dump me. But what Remus said supported the way James had been acting.

I looked over at Sirius. He caught my eye and chuckled. "Is something wrong, love? You've been staring at me all day."

I blushed and looked down. Apparently I wasn't as subtle as I had thought. "I…just…" I have a crush on you, I thought. But I can't come right out and say that. But as I looked up, the light caught Sirius's dark hair. Dark like James's….James…Suddenly I remembered his warm arm around my waist, the way he looked at me…

At that moment, James and Peter entered the common room. James was holding something behind his back that he purposely hid with his body. He jerked his head toward the dormitories and shot his friends a look that clearly said, Get out now. Peter and the others hurried out of the room, but not before exchanging knowing smirks.

Walking so as to deliberately hide whatever he was holding, he sat down at the other end of the couch I was sitting on. "Hello," I greeted him.

"Hi," he said softly. When he looked at me, I saw something in his eyes that hadn't been there before, something like…nervousness? Also, his irises were a darker, smokier shade of ocher than I had seen before. "Lily, I…brought you something." As he said it he pulled out from behind his back a bouquet of different-colored lilies. I gasped involuntarily.

"They're beautiful!" I exclaimed softly, taking the bunch of flowers and conjuring a vase.

"I know it's cliché," he said, smiling shyly, "but not half so much as you." I blushed and looked down. "Lily, I hope you don't still think I'm a prick. I know I've been…well, stupid, but I want you to forgive me." I raised my eyes and looked at him, and it was his turn to look down. Still staring at his hands, he took a deep breath. "I love you, Lily."

At his words, my heart began to race and I looked away, shocked. I was sure James would hear it trying to beat a hole in my chest. Calm down, Lily, I thought. Just…think of how to respond. I tried to think quickly. If I took too long to answer, he wouldn't believe what I said. My thoughts were scattered. James…Sirius…which one? Do I love James? Do I love Sirius? I couldn't think straight. I don't know how long I sat there nervously contemplating my situation, but I remember the clock striking once. One in the morning. I jumped and looked up at James. The look on his face was confused and hopeful; in that moment he looked so vulnerable, so unlike his normal arrogance but so close to how he had looked all day, that I couldn't help but laugh at my own stupidity. Stupid idiot, I told myself. He's been right in front of you the whole time.

James's eyes widened in shock and hurt. "What?"

Oh, no, I thought. He thinks I'm laughing at him. In a quick motion I grabbed James's tie. "Come here, Potter," I said, smirking, and kissed him.

I could feel his surprise under my lips; then he caught on and began to kiss back. His enthusiasm and happiness were obvious in his touch. However, knowing James and feeling newly bold, I decided to play hard to get; I pulled away.

I looked at the clock and smiled mischievously. "It's late, Potter," I reprimanded him. "You should get to bed."

The look on James's face was priceless. It was clear that he had been counting on a good, long snogging session from the second I kissed him. I laughed in my head. I got up quickly. "Goodnight, Potter," I said, smirking, and walked quickly up our staircase.

end

James sat on the couch with a bewildered look as I smiled at him from the balcony before entering my room. I quickly shed my day clothes and changed into a silky cream-colored nightgown hidden by a velour robe of the purest emerald. A plan falling quickly into place, I waited.

I knew James well. He was still cocky and loved a game, and leaving him like that was sure to spark his desire for more. Therefore, I waited for him to come to me. When I heard an insistent knock on our connecting door, I smiled.

The door between our rooms had a privacy charm on them. There was no handle on the door unless both occupants consented. When James knocked, I knew he was silently demanding my admittance. "Come in," I called from my position at the dressing table.

Even in his impatience, James opened the door carefully. "Lily?" he said. I stood up and turned to him. Behind him, I could see into his room where his robes lay in a heap on the mahogany planking, leaving him wearing his trousers and untucked shirt.

"Hello," I said, smiling. A small, analytical part of me was observing my actions with some amusement. Apparently, a natural flirtatiousness was quickly blossoming in me.

James's eyes widened at the sight of me. Abandoning all need or desire for words, he strode across the room and kissed me deeply. I responded eagerly, the part of me that followed my mother's rules of propriety frowning in distaste. My arms entwined around his neck, pulling him closer, while he tightly held my waist. Our kisses grew more passionate, then suddenly became soft and sweet. James feathered kisses down my jaw and neck before returning to my lips for one last kiss. I lay my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, holding him close. "I love you, Lily," James whispered.

I pulled back to look at him. "Sleep here tonight?" I inquired breathlessly. James's eyebrows raised in surprised and I blushed. "No! No, I meant it literally. Sleep." Well, that was brilliant, I thought. I felt like an idiot.

James laughed and hugged me to him again. "Of course, love." Against his shoulder, I smiled happily.

Half an hour later, I lay snugly against James's chest as he snored softly in my ear. Half asleep, I stared out the window at the sky. Call me crazy, I thought, but I'm in love with James Potter. Just like that! It feels right, though. It feels right.