Disclaimer: I do not own anything but my crazy ideas. Any unoriginal characters belong to Dick Wolf. If they were mine, Cabenson would have been real years ago, Kim would be with Abbie, and Serena would be Mrs. Novak. :)
A/N 1: This is slightly AU. I just bent the plot a little to my liking. :) Alex never went to Africa in this. Set in season thirteen. A big shout out and thank you to agapeandzoe for encouraging me to publish this.
A/N 2: This is a first for me. Writing a story in English. Sorry for any mistakes. English is not my first language. But by all means feel free to point them out to me. ;)
All of Me
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride…"
You are lying stretched out on the couch, giving a contented sigh before burying yourself deeper into your lover's embrace; your head in the crook of her neck, your nose breathing in her essence.
"Mmmh, you smell so good," you breathe into her ear, kissing the lobe lightly before laying your head right back where it was moments prior, putting your hand on her chest. Feeling her heartbeat. You can hear her breath hitch when your lips brush her ear and it makes you smile.
"Why Detective, what's so funny?" Her husky voice brings you back to the present.
"Just thinking about how much I love emitting these little noises from the Alex Cabot. Big bad ADA my ass."
Your comment earns you a hearty chuckle and you think that you would do anything to hear that sound again. God, how you love this woman. The first time you saw her, she strutted into the 1-6, wearing a black pencil skirt, a white blouse, her jacket neatly folded over her arm, not a hair out of place, black framed glasses perched on her nose, attaché in hand, topping off her appearance with three-inch Prada heels to show off her toned legs; all three miles of them. You almost choked on your coffee, staring after the gorgeous angel who had just stalked past you. Your thoughts must have wandered off to a place you should not have let them wander off to in public, because there was Elliot, waving a tissue in front of your face, advising you to wipe the drool off of your mouth.
Now, almost twelve years later, she looks just as beautiful. Feeling a hand start massaging your scalp, you let out a groan at how good it feels. Who would have thought that you would end up with her, the love of your life, after all you two have been through? After skirting around each other for three years, trying to fight the sexual tension, trying to be professional, she finally found the courage to ask you out. You said yes, but she was ripped away from you way too soon. Or so you thought. Standing in the private hospital waiting room after the shooting, listening to the doctor saying that Alexandra Cabot never made it off the table, you felt your legs give out under you. Elliot caught you around the waist before you could hit the ground, pulling your back firmly into his front, whispering soothing words into your ear. That was when you lost it. You broke down, turning around in his arms and pounding his chest with your fists, cursing him for breathing, Alex for dying on you, and yourself for existing and having to keep going on in this godforsaken world. Elliot caught your wrists, wrapping you in a tight embrace. You fought him tooth and nail, but he wouldn't let go. So you let the tears fall. Your face contorting in pain because Alex Cabot was dead and your love for her still remained. A love you didn't know what to do with now she was gone.
That was until Elliot and you were called out to Central Park. Seeing Alex getting out of the black SUV with tinted windows, you had to fight to keep your balance again. Elliot was at your side in an instant, his hand on the small of your back, steadying you, giving you strength to push through what was about to come. You were surrounded by Marshalls, so the answer to what was happening was easy to give for anyone with eyes and a little bit of common sense.
You couldn't hold back the tears and you choked out, "Your funeral is tomorrow."
Hearing Hammond say something about you and Elliot being expected to attend, you had to close your eyes and fight the urge to just beat him into a pulp. It was all a blur, as tears brimmed your eyes, threatening to spill over and pour down your cheeks. You could only make out a few scraps of the conversation going on between your partner and Alex. They were putting her in Witness Protection.
"How long?" The shrug of her slumped shoulders told you everything you needed to know. You were numb, just hearing your blood rushing in your ears, staring into the space behind her, trying to process what had been said; to no avail. Thinking Alex was dead had been easier for you than knowing she would be only a plane ride away. You searched her face and found sad blue eyes looking back at you. You opened your mouth to speak, but she stopped you by pressing a perfectly manicured finger to your lips. She let it trace your lower lip and her hand found the back of your neck, pulling you into her. Your faces were inches apart, eyes drifting to each other's lips and back up. Mindful of her bandaged arm, you snaked your arm around her waist, pulling her flush against you, and kissed her as if it was your first and last chance. You wanted to make it last. Your tongue found its mate and they danced together to a music only the two of you could hear. Her uninjured arm tightened around your neck, her hand burying into your growing hair. Pulling away you gasped for air, eyes locking again. You brushed your noses together.
"I love you, Alex," you whispered. "I have loved you for so long. I will wait for you."
"Liv -"
You cut her off by kissing her again, holding on to her as if your life depended on it. "I don't expect you to do the same. Just know that I will keep you in my heart and, my love, my heart will always belong to you."
"Liv, no-"
Now it was your turn to place your finger on her lips, "Shhh, my darling. Stop trying to convince me otherwise. My heart belongs to you and no other." You brushed your lips together again, tongues stroking, lingering, feeling her tears against your cheeks, until Hammond cleared his throat audibly, breaking you apart.
"Time to go, Emily."
You seriously considered if shooting him would be a viable option, but instead you had to watch as he placed Alex in the car and got in himself, ripping your love away from you yet again, off to God knows where. Elliot was there with you, preventing you from falling to the ground in a heap, your sobs cutting through the nightly silence.
An amused voice interrupts your musings, "I can almost hear you thinking, you know?"
The hand on your scalp stops its ministrations, drawing a displeasured grunt from your throat.
"Want to talk about it, detective?"
"I was just taking a trip down memory lane."
"How come?"
"I love making you laugh and that thought lead to another, which is how much I love you. I don't know what triggered it in particular, but my mind just drifted back to the day they took you from me and that I wouldn't know what to do if I lost you again."
Alex tightens her hold on you, her hand now gently stroking down your back in a calming manner, stroking under your shirt, lingering there, drawing tiny circles on your lower back. She knows you know what triggered it, but you do not want to talk about it just yet. So she gives you time. You sigh in contentment, burying your nose into wavy blonde locks, breathing in deeply to make sure she is really here with you. You stroke up and down her right arm, your hand coming to a stop at her shoulder, placing itself over the scars that you know mar her skin beneath this dark blue Havard sweater. She takes your hand into hers, kissing the back of it before intertwining your fingers and placing them both back above her heart.
"I'm here, baby."
Tears spring to your eyes at the gesture, "I know."
You let your nose brush up her neck to her ear and you place tiny kisses back down to her collarbone, pulling the sweater aside for better access. You see goose bumps spreading over her arms and feel her pulse quicken, watching the vein in her neck thump furiously.
She looks down at you, your eyes locking, and you lean up to connect your lips in a whisper of a kiss. You both sigh, Alex tangling her hand in your hair, gently brushing her tongue along your lower lip. You let her in, connecting your tongue with hers and you both groan into the kiss at this first contact. You climb on top of her, effectively straddling her waist and you deepen the kiss. You want her to feel what you are feeling, your heart so full of love for this beautiful woman that you think it might burst, so you pour every ounce of emotion into the kiss.
When you break apart to gasp for air, she watches you with darkened eyes, her kiss-swollen lips slightly parted, glasses askew on her nose, her chest heaving from the intensity of the kiss. Gentle and yet full of passion. You cup her cheek and she leans into the touch, closing her eyes before grabbing your wrist and placing a tiny kiss to your palm.
"I love you so much," you choke out, not able to keep your emotions in check any longer.
She smiles, "I love you too, baby. So, so much."
Then her mouth is on yours again and you relish every second of it. You sit up, pulling her with you into a sitting position, bringing your hands up to cup her face. Her fingers dance across your back under your sweater, leaving goose bumps in their wake.
You break the kiss, wrapping your arms around her neck, burying your face into her hair, breathing deeply, you two just rocking gently. You don't know what it is that has you this emotional. You want to crawl into her, she never seems close enough. You need her so much closer; always closer. You remember your first time making love. It was the night before the Connors trial and you were her protective detail overnight. It hurt so much, hearing her talk about the man she was with, but what hurt the most was seeing ADA Alexandra Cabot so lost, so broken. So you had to remind her.
"What is it, baby?" She tries to coax you into telling her once again, stroking your back with one hand, your hair with the other.
"I don't know. Just a little emotional, Al. Maybe it was our last case, maybe it is the fact that Elliot has finally called me back, six months after leaving. Call me an emotional mess. It's just that having Elliot back in my life reminded me of our past. I lost you, then got you back just to lose you all over again. Twice. The second time was even worse than the first because I knew then what it is like to have you fully."
A devious smile spreads across her face, "Oh you did, didn't you?"
You have to laugh. You know exactly what she is doing and you love her even more for it. "I remember that night too, Liv. Mmmmh, it was heaven. You reminded me what it is like to be Alex Cabot and I will be forever thankful. Also, did I mention it was heaven?" She cannot seem to stop grinning and it is contagious.
"That it was. Now kiss me again."
"So demanding this evening, Miss Benson."
"Excuse me, but it's Mrs. Benson-Cabot."
Her eyes go from playful to soft and loving in an instant, "Oh, of course. My bad."
With that, she pulls on your collar and her lips are on yours again, parting them a little more forcefully this time, tangling her tongue with yours. You tug on her sweater to get her to look at you, but she is too far gone. Her lips wander along your jawline to your ear, biting the lobe gently, before placing open mouthed kisses down your neck. All you can do is shudder and tighten your grip on her hair because it feels wonderful. She mumbles something between kisses that you cannot make out.
"Wha-" she licks her way back up to your ear. "-hat did you say?"
Blonde hair tickles your face and her hot breath against the shell of your ear is all you can think about. "I asked you if you thought about the proposition I made last week."
Two things happen at the same time. You tense up as anxiety settles in your stomach and a flood of wetness makes its way straight to your core, soaking your panties.
"Al-" She stops you with a kiss.
"Liv, I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes every time I mention it. Also, you just soaked through your sweats, I can feel it."
You blush furiously and duck your head in shame, but she forces you to look into her oh so soulful eyes by placing two fingers under your chin and tilting it back up.
"Al, I… I… I don't know. What if I hurt you?"
"You won't, baby." The love and trust you see in her eyes make you want to cry with happiness.
"I don't know. I think I like the concept of being in control a little too much for my own liking."
She tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, "And that thought scares you." You can only nod because it does scare you.
"Liv… Look at me. You won't hurt me. You could never hurt me because you love me too much."
"I can't lose control, Alex. What if I become him? What if-" Another kiss.
"You are not and could never become your father, baby," she insists, pulling you into a tight hug. Feeling her hands stroke your back, you melt into her embrace, closing your eyes, breathing her in once again.
"I trust you, Liv," she whispers into your ear and it sends a shiver down your spine.
"I know, I just don't trust myself."
"You should, baby. You are so wonderful. At your job, with the victims, with children, but most of all you are the most wonderful, caring wife a girl could ask for. You should trust yourself, because everyone else does."
"Okay."
The smile you get in return lights up the whole room. "Okay?"
You return the smile, "Yeah."
You get up and help her off the couch, pulling her straight into your arms. "Al, could we agree on some… Well… Ground rules?"
"Anything you want, my darling."
"If I lose control and hurt you, you have to stop me at all costs."
"Baby-"
"At all costs, Al."
"At all costs."
You brush her hair out of her face and close the distance between you. You claim her lips in a slow but deep kiss, tugging her into the bedroom by her sweater. In one swift motion, you pull it up over her head and toss it to the floor. You let your head fall onto her shoulder to calm yourself when you see she is not wearing a bra, creamy white perky breasts in plain sight, her perfect pink nipples starting to harden in the cool air of the room. You give the strings of her yoga pants a firm tug, loosening them, and ridding your wife of the clothing along with her panties. Seeing her perfectly shaved mound sends a jolt of electricity through your body and you have to suppress a groan.
"You're wearing too many clothes. I need to feel you," she husks into your ear and you feel your knees buckle, once again having to steady yourself on her shoulders.
"God, Al… The things you do to me."
Giving you a mischievous smirk, she pulls off your sweater and unhooks your bra. She cups your breasts, brushing your already hardened nipples with her thumbs, making you moan and throw your head back. She uses it to her advantage and places open-mouthed kisses along your neck, her tongue stroking your flesh along with her lips.
She makes quick work of your own sweats and panties and as soon as you are both naked, you pull her flush against you, both of you groaning at the skin on skin contact. You duck your head and envelop her nipple with your lips, letting your tongue stroke it gently while thumbing the other. She shivers with anticipation as she holds your head in place. You let her nipple go with a pop, kissing your way back up her throat to her mouth. Your tongue searches hers and she opens her mouth wide to take more of you. You maneuver her to the bed, making her sit on the edge, once again straddling her.
She breaks the kiss to gasp for air, leaning her forehead to yours, grabbing your backside firmly. "God, Liv. I need you."
You nuzzle her ear before rimming the shell with your tongue, earning a gasp from your wife. "Patience, my darling."
You encourage her to slide back to the headboard while crawling with her, finally settling yourself between her legs, her wetness coating your lower abdomen. "Uuh, Al… You're soaked already."
"All for you baby," she whimpers while moving her hips, trying to get some sort of friction. You place both of your hands beside her head, pushing your lower half into her. The moan you get has your arms shaking under your weight and she moves her hips against you, smearing her wetness over your skin.
"Mmmh, so sexy baby. Do you wanna come?"
She nods, biting her lower lip, her brow furrowed in arousal. You push into her one more time, rotating your hips.
"Please, Liv…"
"Please what, my darling?"
"I need you."
"But I'm right here."
She gives you her courtroom glare and you have to hide your grin as to not ruin the mood.
"How badly do you want to come?" you whisper hotly into her ear, relishing in the power you have over her.
She takes your hand into hers, running both of them down her body and to her crotch. She whispers back, "Why don't you just find out for yourself?"
When your fingers make the first contact with her core, all control leaves your body. Your arm gives out under you and you try not to fall onto her. She is so dripping wet, you cannot think. All you can do is feel. So you let your fore and middle finger glide through her wetness, gently exploring, stroking her lower lips and up to her clit, before delving in deeper and slowly pushing one finger inside. She whimpers helplessly because she needs more. And you know it. You try to ignore the tiny voice in your head, ridiculing you, telling you she will leave as soon as she sees the monster that you really are. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. Opening them once again, you watch her face to make sure that this is really what she wants. Her breathing is labored, but when she opens her eyes, feeling you watching her, they are a much darker shade of blue, and you know that she wants this. She wants you to have your way with her because she trusts you. A warm feeling spreads through your body at this knowledge and you want to take it slow.
So you keep your pace gentle and steady, ignoring her pleas to just fuck her already. You know that she knows you have to take it slow, an understanding passing between the both of you when locking eyes. You are willing to give her anything she asks for in and out of the bedroom but this time, you have to build up to it and she is aware. She is aware that she is about to have all of you, but at your pace.
You kiss her, letting your tongue search for hers while pushing into her further, adding another finger. Her back arches off of the bed, pressing these glorious breasts into yours, your hard nipples brushing and it is driving you crazy. Her walls clamp down onto your fingers and it amazes you how wet she is, your fingers gliding easily through her wetness. You set a steady pace, curling your fingers every now and then, every other time brushing her clit gently.
Her hands go to your hair, pulling your face down to her neck. Her pants reach your ear, her wetness increasing with every brush of your thumb against her clit.
"Oh, baby," she whispers breathlessly. "Oh fuck."
You restrain yourself, focusing on pleasuring her slowly, steadily, and gently, placing wet kisses along her neck before kissing her deeply. Her hands stay in your hair, her legs automatically opening wider to allow you more room to move. You carefully add a third finger, pushing in to the first knuckle, stretching her, preparing her for what is about to come. She holds her breath, furrowing her brow and scrunching her nose up at the discomfort and you stay still, waiting for her to adjust while placing small butterfly kisses all over her face, her neck, and her upper chest.
"Are you okay, baby? Should I pull out?"
She shakes her head, stroking your back to soothe you.
"Give me a second, will you?"
"All the time you need."
You continue kissing down her neck, taking a nipple into your mouth, gently tonguing it, while rubbing tiny circles around her clit with your thumb. A new gush of excitement finds its way out of her and coats your hand. She opens her eyes and bites her lip before pushing her pelvis down onto your waiting fingers, taking all of you. A strangled moan escapes both of your throats, her hips rocking to get friction. You thrust slowly, not giving her what she needs just yet, but building her up.
"Are you ready, baby?"
"Oh God," she whimpers and tries to increase the pace, but you gently pull out.
"Nuh-uh. We wouldn't wanna come just yet now, would we?"
You are teasing her and she knows it. However, she can play the game just as well. So she reaches into the bedside drawer, pulling out your seven-inch strap on. You can feel your core throb and your hands shake. You have to close your eyes to get some resemblance of control back.
"Get off of the bed," she urges. In your eagerness to comply, your foot gets tangled in the sheets and you fall flat on your face with a dull thud.
"Ow," you huff out, your voice muffled because your face is squished against the carpeted floor.
You get up from the floor before she can scramble off the bed and help you. She is sitting on the edge of the bed now, looking at you with worried eyes.
"Baby, are you okay?"
You cup her cheek with your hand, stroking your thumb along her cheekbone and she leans into your touch, eyes remaining locked.
"I'm okay," you smile, leaning down to kiss her, tonguing her lower lip. You try to push her back into the sheets but she resists.
She grabs the strap on, holding it out for you to step into the harness. You have to steady your breathing once again, seeking leverage by holding her shoulders, and stepping into the straps. She pulls them up and secures the harness onto your hips. You reach into the bedside drawer, pulling out a small tube of lubrication.
"Put some on me?"
"Liv, I won't need it."
Control yourself, Olivia.
"Please? Put some on me?"
You think that she has registered your pleading tone in your voice, taking the lubrication from you and squishing some into her hand. When she starts rubbing the lubrication onto the phallus, the insert hits your clit and your hips jerk into her hand while you let out a moan. She kisses your abdomen and you feel your abs twitch at the touch of her lips. You take her head into your hands and kiss her, letting her tongue invade your mouth, the kiss getting heated before you can stop it. You let yourself go for just a moment, relishing in the kiss, pushing your wife back onto the bed, and letting her scoot up to the headboard once again.
You settle yourself between her legs, the tip of the phallus brushing her folds makes her throw her head back and groan loudly.
Get a grip, Benson.
You want to give her control of this situation and you flip both of you over so she is on top of you. She straddles you thighs, your hands automatically going to her hips, and she leans down to look into your eyes.
"I know what you are doing, Liv. And you don't have to."
Your thumb strokes tiny circles on her hipbone. "I know I don't have to. I need to. Okay?"
She smiles down at you and nods. "Of course, baby. If we are going to do this I want us both to be comfortable."
"Thank you. It's just… I love being on the receiving end, but being the one giving has me worried."
"I know, Liv. I love and trust you. But we can go at your pace."
"I… I… I want you to set the pace, but I might need to take the control back."
"Okay."
And with that, she kisses you. She has just accepted everything you said. Every other partner would have laughed and asked you to try again when you know what you really want, but not her. She just knows you inside and out and understands your fears. It makes you want to cry.
She breaks the kiss and leans down to your ear. "I want to ride you, baby."
Oh my God.
All the moisture leaves your mouth and wanders south at her words and all you can do is nod. She scoots up your body a little and takes hold of the purple phallus. She lines it up with her entrance and slowly sinks down on it, her mouth falling open, her head rolling back. Seeing her pleasure has you on edge, grabbing her hips as if your life depends on it. She takes the toy inch by inch, more with every downward motion. When her hips are flush against yours, she begins rotating them and the sounds she is making drive you insane.
She puts her hands on your abs for leverage and moves up until only the tip of the phallus is inside of her, then sinks back down, a guttural moan ripping from her mouth. You clench your teeth, your hands gripping her hips tighter, your eyes never leaving the phallus moving in and out of Alex.
She picks up her pace, her hips thrusting down harder on the toy and her hands wandering up to her breasts, cupping them, and teasing her nipples with her palms. She whimpers, her pants echoing through the bedroom, and you have to fight the urge to just hold her hips in place and fuck the daylights out of her. You shiver at the thought but you push it to the back of your mind, focusing on your fight for control of your actions. You need to slow her down. So you flip her back over, needing to be on top again. She opens her eyes and looks at you, and those deep pools of blue convey that she knows what you are doing; that she understands. Your lips find hers again, kissing her slowly but passionately, breathing her in. You frame her head with your arms, slowly pulling the toy out before just as slowly pushing it back in. She moans into the kiss and you set steady pace, but never altering the force of your thrusts. You break the kiss as you slowly make love to her, your eyes locking, her legs wrapping around your waist. The new angle makes her moan loudly, gripping your backside firmly.
"Are you okay," you choke out, needing her voice telling you that she is.
"I am," she smiles. "Better than okay."
She is panting now, on the edge and you want nothing more than to watch her fly over it. You let your right hand wander to her clit, drawing gentle circles over it, feeling her thighs twitch. So close. You lean down to her ear. "I love you so much and I forever will, Alex. You are so beautiful. Let me watch you. Come for me."
You bite the lobe gently and this is all she needs. Her walls grip the toy hard and she arches off of the bed, her mouth opening in a silent scream. Her whole body shudders through her release and you slow your thrusts, trying to make her pleasure last as long as possible.
Coming down from her high, she opens her eyes and they instantly connect with yours. You brush your noses together and smile down at her.
"Hi."
She giggles, "Hi yourself."
You just watch her in the afterglow, perspiration covering both of your bodies, her breathing slowing, her breasts moving with every breath she takes. Your desire for your wife spikes even more, your body not having been satiated yet. However, you want to put her well-being first. So as not to hurt her, you start to slowly pull the dildo out, but her legs' grip on your waist tightens.
"No."
"Baby, I don't want to hurt you. Let me pull out."
She pulls your head down so she can whisper into your ear once again. "Not before you have come."
You shiver at her words. "Al-"
"I want you to fuck me, Olivia. I want you to take what's yours. I want you to pound me until I scream your name. Fuck me."
Your hips give a sharp thrust at her words, making her scream with pleasure.
You look at her. You haven't hurt her. And it amazes you. You push up to search her face for any sign of discomfort. There is none.
She just looks at you, desire clouding her eyes. You lean down to kiss her once again before locking eyes. Her nails scratch your back and she arches into you, her eyes never leaving yours, and she whispers, "Take it."
That is when you lose it. You start thrusting into her hard, gradually picking up your pace until you are fucking her with all that you have.
"Oh fuck… fuck… fuck… fuck…," she chants like a mantra and it only spurs you on. The insert is rubbing your clit very deliciously and her cursing while you are fucking her is pushing you toward the edge rather quickly.
"Like that, baby. That's it. Fuck," she moans, meeting each of your thrusts with her hips, creating the sound of skin slapping against skin. You angle your pulses slightly and when she lets out a high pitched whimper, you know you have hit her spot. You fell that you only have a few thrusts more left in you before you come and you need to take her with you.
As if reading your thoughts, she pants into your ear, "Fuck it, baby. That's it... I'm right there with you. Come for me."
Your hips give one last sharp thrust and you come, feeling her walls clamp around the toy for a second time, joining you in your orgasm. You draw it out for both of you, kissing every part of her body you can reach, letting your tongue linger, tasting her salty skin.
She strokes your back with her fingertips, both of you just relishing in the afterglow. As soon as your heartbeats have slowed down, you gently pull out of her. Seeing her wince slightly, you start to panic.
"Oh my God, I hurt you. I'm so sorry."
"Shhhh, baby. You didn't hurt me. I'm just a little sore. But in a good way."
Once you have pulled out of her completely, you unfasten the straps and toss the phallus to the floor, gathering her in your arms.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. You were amazing."
You pull her toward you. You are face to face, your arms serving as pillows, hands on the other's hips.
"I… I…" She kisses you.
"That was amazing. You were amazing. I love you."
Tears gather in your eyes. "I love you, too," you choke out, burying your head in her neck, breathing deeply. Her scent always does the trick. You calm down instantly.
"Let's take a nap and then start round three and four. What do you say?"
"But baby, you're sore."
She grins mischievously, "Oh, but you have such a talented tongue."
You can only laugh at her goofiness and you reach down, pulling the sheets over your rapidly cooling bodies. Being enveloped in each other's warmth, it does not take long until you are both fast asleep.
"… I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."
A/N 3: The story title is inspired by the song All of Me by John Legend. The quote is taken from Pablo Neruda's 100 Love Sonnets.
Also, I have no idea if Alex's outfit is accurate, but like I said, I bent the plot a little to my liking and I consider this outfit smokin' hot. :D
Thanks for reading. Reviews are love. :)