Title : Stay With Me – Flaws (Part one and two)

I didn't mean for it to happen. It came completely out of nowhere but once it had me, I couldn't walk away.

I wanted to.

I said over and over that I wasn't gonna be someone's dirty little secret and yet here we were again. Completely out of my comfort zone. Completely sucked in and not where I wanted to be and yet I still wanted him. I couldn't walk away. In many ways it suited me. I didn't want some clingy relationship. Been there, done that with Ed. He had wanted us to walk down the street holding hands. It left me cold. That sort of stuff always did. What we did in private, well, it had fuck all to do with anyone else and yet all he did was push. Just because I wasn't all over him in public meant I didn't care or didn't love him and all of that stuff. He needed more from me. Fuck knows what that was cos he never had the decency to explain as he sloped off after another argument. Said I was emotionally retarded . If only I knew what that was, I could have come back at him with a witty response, but by that point, I was past caring. I let him walk away from me and apart from being lonely a few nights, it didn't mean a thing to me.

And then there was Jackson. I try not to think about him anymore. The sad truth is though, if I close my eyes, every time I try to sleep, I see his eyes staring back at me. Begging me to bring the drink that killed him to his lips. It never leaves me. It's just ripped my heart out and left me like this.

With this. It doesn't get any easier, it just stays the same. Coming back has taught me that. It doesn't matter where I go, who I see or meet. What I try to do. It will never leave me. So, what am I doing now?

"You let me fall asleep?!" He stirs from beside me. I notice his dirty blonde hair hanging slightly over his deep blue eyes. His bare alabaster skinned chest. I try to steady myself but I can't be bothered with niceties

"Yeah!" I reply, my voice sounding deep, husky and hoarse. I don't know how we ended up here again. Time after time, it's the same thing. The same argument. The same itch that needs to be scratched . And yeah, I hate myself for even going there again but isn't that the point? He has the control and yet I want him to have it cos it means I don't have the responsibility. I despise both of us when it gets to that point. Him for having the nerve to actually be in front of me again. Tempting me, those bloody eyes of his staring deeply into mine and me for giving in. For wanting him so desperately that I'd do anything to get him. Where did that come from? I never saw that one coming.

I want to move to get a glass of water but I haven't got the energy to do that. I feel numb. Devoid of all energy. Emotionally spent.

"What time is it?!" He's sitting up now, looking around for his watch

"Just gone eight!" I return, "What difference does it make?!"

"Chrissie will wonder where I am that's what difference it makes!" He goes on, "It was only supposed to be a…"

"Quick fuck!" I finish his sentence for him, letting the words drip from my mouth covered in loaded venom

"You know exactly what this is!" He mentions and I can't even deny it. I roll my eyes. I haven't even got a decent comeback. I wanted him last night. I had him. End of story right? No questions asked and nobody gets hurt . It suits us both. And I don't care about his fiancé or anyone else for that matter. Why should I? I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Lying to myself only pisses me off even more.

"Tell her you broke down, that one always seems to do the trick!" I whisper

"You should have woken me!" He responds

"Not my fault you wore yourself out!" I sigh

"Look, Aaron…" He tries to turn to me, placing his hands on my shoulders as I sit in the bed but I shrug him off, moving away from him. I get out of the bed

"Don't alright!" I turn my back on him, "Go home to her. Aren't you getting married today?!" I mention

"That's the plan!" He sighs

"So get on with it then!" I bite down on my lip so hard, I feel like I might draw blood. I fight an internal battle with myself. Wanting to beg him to stay but also wanting to beat him to a pulp. How can you want someone so much but hate them at the same time. How can I be so fucking weak?

I don't get close to people. That's not what I do and I certainly don't let anyone close enough to actually care about them too. You let people in. They hurt you.

Fact.

I know this and I've still done this to myself. I deserve to sit in that fucking church and watch him marry someone else.

"It doesn't mean the end of us. We've talked about this!" He goes on. He's still making no attempt to leave

"You marry her and that's it!" I bring my hands up to rub over my dark stubble, "I can't do it anymore!" I shrug

"You know as well as I do that's not true so don't even pretend!"

I shake my head. I should knock him out but right now that's the last thing I want to do.

"This will keep happening!" He goes on. "You want me as much as I want you and Chrissie, well, she's just…."

"Gonna be your wife, yeah, I know!" I still can't look at him. I can't look at myself in the mirror these days either. Yeah, I've never been the most moral bloke to walk the planet but this

"It's just so I can get her money, get in with Lawrence, you know that…."

"You can tell yourself all of this if you want…" I begin, "But you're a liar!" I spit as I finally turn around to face him, "You have no fucking intention of leaving her, of not sleeping with her. You just wanna keep me sweet, as your bit on the side as you leap in and out of the closet whenever the mood takes you!"

"So walk away then!" He smirks at me

"No.." I shake my head, "What if someone whispered in her ear about what you've been up to for the past few months?!" I begin

"Like she would believe you!" He goads, "She loves me!" He exclaims, "I'm everything to her. The perfect man. She's never left unsatisfied, if you know what I mean….We're perfect for each other!"

"The perfect beard!" I mutter

"If you like!"

"So, what am I then?!" I ask the question already knowing the reply and it gets to me. It shouldn't. I should be able to walk away but something always lures me back in again

"Something that I can't do without either.." He replies, his blue eyes burning into mine, "It is what it is alright!"

I laugh slightly at his words. They sound like mine. Fuck the consequences. Just do what you want, when you want. Maybe that's what keeps me here. The danger. The fear of getting caught. That no one knows. The sneaking about. The lying. Maybe, after Jackson, that's all I'm worth anyway?!

"Look, I have to go" He's putting his jeans and jumper on and from where I'm standing, I grab his leather jacket and throw it to him

"Have a good day then!" I mumble. I can feel tears build up behind my eyes and there is no way he's gonna see me like that. I turn away from him again.

"It will be alright!" He's up behind me now. I tremble slightly as he wraps both his arms around my bare chest and he buries his face in the crook of my neck

"The whole village is gonna be there!" My voice cracks as I speak, "How can it be alright?!"

"Cos I know what I'm doing that's why!" I can feel his mouth nipping at my neck and my body begins to react to his touch again. I want to tell him to get out and never come back. I want to lose it with him the way I usually do with anyone else that treated me like this. When exactly did I turn into this needy mess?

I don't do anything. I let him kiss my neck, turning me around and pushing his tongue inside my willing, eager mouth. I'm desperate for him and I hate myself for that. It always comes back to that.

That disgust and loathing.

He pulls away from me and I know he can sense that I'm either about to lose it completely or break down and that weakness in me that he can see makes me want to scream. I've got nothing when I'm stood in front of him. It's like he's stripped me bare. How I let that happen is beyond me. The walls are usually so high.

"You have to learn to trust me!" He whispers

I let out a small laugh

"And do you trust me?!" I ask, "Not to turn up at that church today and blow your cover?!"

"You wouldn't…"

I turn away from him again, rolling my tongue around in the side of my mouth. I shake my head,

"Course not!" I sigh, "I'll be at the garage!"

"I'll call you!"

"Don't!" I mouth, "Just go off to Mexico or wherever you're going and have a good time.."

It's taking everything I have but as he leaves I finally let one tear roll down my cheek. Immediately I head to the sink, taking the razor blade out of the kitchen drawer, I cut myself and let myself bleed. The blood trickling out of the cut, cascading down the plughole. I let out a cry of relief as the pain takes over me.