This is on fanfiction of course I dont own anything that Isn't cannon

Warning: Will contain swearing and perhaps some innuedo later on

PROLOGUE

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live,"

-Bette Midler

people think heroes are supposed to be noble. In reality, heroes are those who are jaded enough, and hurt enough and deprived enough and sick and tired enough not to give a damn.'

Lily climbed through the portrait hole in the wall of the Gryffindor common room and into the round heads common room expecting it to be empty. Pale pre-dawn light was creeping through the diamond patterned leaded windows and across the floor. Scanning the room she saw nothing out of order, the house elves had apparently tidied since she went out. But no the room wasn't entirely in order. Crumpled into the corner of one of the sofas was one James Potter. Pity tugged at her heart as she saw the red rims of his eyes behind the glasses that were pushed askew on his usually angular face that was puffy with the nights tears, a near empty bottle of fire whisky dangled loosely in his fingers his arm limp over the arm of the sofa, from the way his body was angled it was clear that he had fallen asleep staring into the dyeing flames the cushion that oozed stuffing, the red and gold brocade soaking up his tears.

She curled up in the sofa opposite to him, battered and scorched coffee table between the two seeming a lot wider than it ever had before as she pulled a book form the mantle and opened it. She found herself staring at the leaves unseeingly as she waited for the head boy to wake up. She wanted to go to sleep herself and could feel the effects of the previous nights drinking dragging at her limbs, much like the nail varnish she was itching to remove, remnants of the illicit Hogsmeade trip that it would be better to forget. A few years ago she would have drawn on his face at least by now, pulled a prank or at very leased doused him with some noxious substance to wake him up. Now she only wanted to make sure he was all right he would never admit to crying but maybe she could at least make things a little brighter, a little easier.

She must have fallen asleep because the next moment she was aware of there was an uncomfortable ache in her neck and the light was bright behind her closed eyelids. she rolled over hoping to block out the glare and find a more comfortable position. There was an almighty crash as the heavy book that had been on her lap careened into the coffee table, teetered on the edge of the table for a moment and landed on the hearth, knocking the Poker of its stand with a metallic clatter that seemed deafening in the dawn silence.

Both Lily and James jerked upright, immediately wide awake, groping for their wands, in his case still holding the bottle, sloshing the liquid over the upholstery. Lily by contrast managed to whip her wand out with surprising precision considering her semi hungover state. Their eyes shifted around the room bodies tensed as they tried to locate the source of the disturbance eventually coming to rest on the offending object

"My bad. Sorry Po-James" she said, the feel of his first name still foreign in her mouth, they were trying to get on better they were almost friendly, but old habits die hard.

"It's ok Lily" he sighed relaxing back into the sodden cushions his previously alert frame deflating. "Where were you last night? I didn't hear you come in" he asked, bringing the bottle to his lips and draining the final drops

"I went out, hope you didn't wait up. I got in round six, you were out of It." she sent a significant look at his right hand, which still cradled the fire whisky bottle "were you drinking with the guys earlier?"

"No just me" he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck embarrassed "what were you up to?" he asked changing the subject a little too quickly

"Hogs head" she answered shortly ignoring the way his eyes bulged in surprised, he opened his mouth to say something but she forestalled him "people are bigger than the boxes you put them in Potter" she snapped waspishly, she was relatively close to him, even closer to the other marauders but few other than her best friends Marlene and Dorcas seemed to be able to see past the badge on her chest and exam results to her name. James held up his hands in defence

"Peace. Easy tiger lily, I'm just impressed that you got past the extra security" of course he was, he was probably surprised she knew where the hogs head was. She snorted but decided to let it drop.

"Sure sure, now why have you turned into a raging alcoholic?" she demanded, blunt as ever

"I don't know what you're on about"

"You opened that bottle last night, and if you were really alone you drank enough to kill a horse. You like drinking but don't like getting properly pissed for the hell of it, hence something is wrong, so you either tell me or I get Sirius on the case so I suggest you tell me". He seemed to struggle for an answer for a few seconds then seemed to sag inwards, as though admitting defeat

"Just the future, were leaving in the summer. No more protection. Anything we do reflects on people we care about, I don't know how we're going to cope "

"James why are you worrying, it's not even Christmas yet, we've got months "

"We can't just put this off and bury our heads in the sand Lily we've got to stick our heels in and stand up for what we believe in, I would have thought you of all people would understand that" she glared at him, he had no idea

"I'm not suggesting you do. But if your that hell bent on fighting then why did you drink and cry yourself to sleep last night?" she snapped. He started to protest but she cut across him "It's all pipe smoke and a noble cause to you isn't it James? But if you're getting cold feet already then don't put your neck on the line and don't expect sympathy from me when you realise that it's not isolated to you getting a good fight then coming home to a family dinner" he looked as though she had slapped him. Then he face coloured to match the Gryffindor upholstery

"Once were out of Hogwarts people will die Evans, people we know and care about, and if we fight, It'll be even worse. They'll target anyone we care about to hurt and control us" he shouted at her. She was shocked, his anger had never been directed at her before and she was impressed by how intimidating he could be but there was no way she was letting him know that.

"What's this we Potter? You don't have to take sides, you're safe, even if you're a blood traitor the worst thing Voldemort-" she glared at the uneasy twitch he gave at the name "will do to you is try to get you on his side. It's the Mudbloods like me" he tried to cut across her but she ploughed on relentlessly "who won't be able to get a job, who have a life expectancy of zero and you know what I don't give a fuck. I'm going to die. we're all going to die, as soon as I step out of this castle, without a filthy great skull on my forearm I'm top of that hit list so I'll take as many of them as I can with me so screw the consequences" she bellowed the last few words at him, her chest heaving, her face flushed

"You think I'm not going to fight those filthy hypocrites? You think your alone in this? The self-richous Evans on a fucking suicide mission, just because I'm pureblood doesn't mean I'm a filthy death eater"

"I'm saying that this is a war James" her voice was suddenly soft, gentle, almost pitying "It's a war that were outnumbered in, twenty to one, the truth is that we'll risk it all and it may well be for nothing and if you're going to fight you need to know the truth; we need to live fully, believe fully, and fight as damn we'll hard as we can. Do what you want with your life, just don't question me when you know absolutely fuck all." There was no venom in her voice only the steely determination of someone who believes in every word they say

"Lily you can't give up like that, we'll all get through this and we need to believe that"

"James, my parents are dead." It was a fact, blunt, short, simple and that was how she said it

"I'm so sor-"

"It won't bring them back. I don't need pity, I just need you to understand; this isn't daring, nerve and chivalry, there's no gleaming suits of armour and it'll be a miracle if there's a happy ending. If you want to fight talk to Dumbledore and he might give you the means to do it".

James only stared at her- dumbstruck. As she turned her back and walked away from him, her short black dress creased her shoes still on the floor next to the sofa opposite him and her hair rumpled and messed, she didn't look like lily Evans, head girl, top student, compassionate friend and wicked joker. She looked like shed been through the mill she looked battered and jaded, but under the soft exterior he could see the core of pure steel that made her one of the strongest people he knew. She turned back to him as she reached the bottom of the stairs that lead to her room and turned to look at him a softer expression coming across her face than the one he had become accustomed to seeing in the past few months.

"Never change, never grow up James. Just understand what you're doing before you throw your life away on delusions of grandeur" she said it kindly there was no malice left in her words only honest words of advice. She turned again and climbed the stairs out of his sight, but his eyes remained fixed on the place where she had stood. Something clicked in his mind and he checked the date dial on his watch, it was 25th October, this would have been Charlie's eighteenth Birthday.

Thankyou for reading, please leave a reveiw wether feedback or a question, I'm british so some spellings might be a bit off if your used to American english