disclaimer: without prejudice. the names of all characters contained here-in are the property of FOX and Ryan Murphy. no infringments of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission.
author's notes: this was inspired by a gifset on Tumblr (by spuffina). this is my first Seblaine fic so i'd love to know what you all think. special thanks to my best friend and beta Inwenalas. dedicated to spuffina.
Affirmation;;
He feels the tape—slick with sweat—straining around his skin. He knows pushing too hard will be bad for his hands; he needs to be careful if he plans on continuing to play the piano as well, but right now the heavy hits to the punching bag keep unpleasant thoughts at bay.
The door creaks open behind him. He doesn't need to look to know who it is.
"What do you want?" he asks, gloved fist connecting with the leather again. He's angry, bouncing from one foot to the other, and he hates how Sebastian can probably tell.
"I came to apologize."
He turns around. Only part of his resolve fades when he lays eyes on Sebastian, all puppy eyes, hair ungelled across his forehead—he shouldn't think it's hot, not right now, but he can't help himself. It's not his love that's in question.
"What for?" he asks, pulling on the velcro straps of his gloves. He avoids Sebastian's eyes, aware of the effect they have on him, a soothing one if anything, but he's compromised too many times, let go too often. None of that anymore. They need to talk this through.
The silence that follows breaks his heart.
Blaine sighs. "Forget it," he says, drops his gloves to the floor. He doesn't understand how Sebastian can keep begging this from him, why it's him that always ends up feeling guilty, like somehow he's wrong for wanting a side of Sebastian he knows he's capable of.
"Why?" Sebastian asks.
He looks at Sebastian. "What?"
"Why do you need me to say it?"
"Because I need—" He shakes his head, takes a deep breath, hands on his hips. "I need to know you feel the same." Affirmation, that's what this is about. They're just words, but the connotation, the meaning behind them—he needs that meaning.
"You know I do."
"No, Sebastian, I don't know that." Knowing isn't hearing, it's not experiencing, it's not a skip in the beating of his heart that the phrase will cause—knowing isn't visceral. He's not sure he does know.
"I left—" he left his boyfriend to be with Sebastian. "I changed—" changed his entire life, because that's what he does, he goes to extremes for the people he loves.
He looks up at Sebastian. Good God, how can he have such a love/hate relationship with this feeling inside of him? He loves Sebastian, he'd do anything for him, but they can't keep doing this. He hates how Sebastian keeps forcing him to talk about this.
"You know, that doesn't even matter," he adds. "I know what I feel for you and I wish that was enough." His eyes settle in Sebastian's. "But it's not." Sebastian doesn't release his eyes. "There's two of us in this relationship, Sebastian, and I can't keep being the one to put in all the effort."
Sebastian takes a step closer, but keeps a respectful distance. "You're not," he says, "Blaine, you have to know—"
Blaine thinks Sebastian has to know by now, he must realize the intensity of his feelings, how much he feels for him, for them, but that's not always enough for him. He needs to hear it.
"Then say it," Blaine interrupts. A beat, Sebastian's lips keep moving but there's no sound. "Three words. Eight letters," he says, breathes—this is it, Sebastian's one chance, the only way to prove to him he's being considered. "Say it and I'm yours," he adds—this is it, his surrender, all Sebastian will ever have to say.
He knows it's dangerous, this power he allows his boyfriends to have over him, setting himself up for heartbreak, but he knows he'd go in for that blindly if there were the slightest possibility to have something real. And what he and Sebastian have is real, he's sure of that.
His breathing's still coming down, the only sound in the room—he doesn't know how much time passes, because he doesn't want to think about the amount of time that has to pass before deciding Sebastian has no intention of saying it. Seconds? Minutes? Hours?
His chest aches. He wonders if maybe he says it too easily, surrenders it too fast. I love you; it's not hard, eight letters. Maybe they really are just words, maybe he's asking too much from someone not used to admitting it at all.
"Marry me," Sebastian says.
He blinks and his heart actually skips that beat. "What?"
Seconds, he thinks, it's been only seconds.
"Marry me," Sebastian repeats, and takes another step closer. "I know it's two words you didn't ask for but there you have it."
Blaine reels back on his heels. He chuckles, but only because he doesn't know how else to react. "We can't get married."
"Why not?" Sebastian shrugs, towering over him. "We'll go to New York or Paris, or Belgium for all I care. As long as it means I'll get to call you mine."
He shakes his head, hoping to regain some of his composure, reclaim some of his rightful indignation. "Finn and Rachel—"
"Frankenteen and Barbra?" Sebastian interrupts. "They don't have what we have."
It's true; he's never doubted Rachel and Finn's love for each other, but their relationship worked as long as they didn't impede on each other's dreams, step on each other's toes. Sebastian does that plenty, but it's nothing they haven't been able to work through. And sometimes, well, Blaine knows he does it on purpose.
"Why don't we talk about it over dinner?" Sebastian suggests.
Blaine swallows hard. "You're being serious."
Sebastian smiles down at him and that's when he knows. This man loves him—this crazy, afraid-of-commitment man that pulled out all the stops to seduce him, that came back time and time again even after he got rejected. That made him love him effortlessly.
He clears his throat, trying really hard not to get too emotional. This is obviously something that warrants a serious conversation. "Let me get cleaned up."
Sebastian arches an eyebrow. "Want some company?"
"Don't—" He points a finger but grins, beside himself. "Don't change the subject. Ten minutes."
"All right," Sebastian concedes. "I'll wait outside."
He turns and walks the distance back to the door.
"Sebastian," Blaine calls after him.
Sebastian turns around slowly, eyebrows lifting in question.
But Blaine's the one that keeps quiet this time. He doesn't want to ask again.
Sebastian grins.
He stalks a few steps closer again until he's as close as he can be without hugging, tilts Blaine's chin up with his index finger and presses a soft kiss to his lips—Blaine feels his toes curl in his sneakers, and for a few moments he loses his bearings.
"With all my heart, Blaine Anderson," Sebastian whispers against his lips, "I love you."
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