As I wondered up the tall hill, and found myself at a tall gravestone, I couldn't help but think It should have been me. Everything that had ever scarred, hurt, caused his fragile heart to break, it should have been me. Every pain he ever felt, everytime he ever fell. Why couldn't that be sent to me? The moment he was infected, I should have been in his place. If I could have ever known, could have ever speculated that one second that changed our lives, I would have locked him in my room and done whatever possible to keep him safe. That exact beat of his heart...the moment that curse was pushed through the many capularies connecting his nerves, infecting every organ, it should have been my body. I should have been the host of that vile disease, me, not him.

Oh what I would give to just step into that moment, and send him home..
What I would give now to just have him back, or even switch places.

That's not what has me worked up though. I'm sure I could have stopped it, I even looked through my books, more than a thousand times. I'm too afraid now, to actually see if there was some way to have cured him. I ignored the many creatures that came to talk to me about it, I ignored England, he could have helped.

He could have saved him. Saved me. Saved us.

But I was selfish, merely relying on hope, false hope that he would get better. He hadn't. In fact, he had gotten worse just days after he first started feeling sick.

Those eyes, as they pleaded for help, begging to take the pain away, are burned into my brain.

I didn't help, I just told him to be quiet, and rest up.
He knew he was dying, I-i don't know why I didn't listen to his voice, which had grown from loud, to a rough, scratchy whisper. I know what that noise, laced with that whisper, was.

"Help me, Norge.."
Just shut up, and sleep, Mathias.

"My chest..Norway, help!"
Shhh...Go back to sleep..

"I'm done Lukas. I'm not going to get better."
Be positive, and go back to bed! I told you, you need proper rest!

"I think i'm dying Norge.."
Shh, rest up. I'll make you some soup, alright?

"Farvel, Nor.."

It was knowledge. He knew he wasn't going to make it, the knowledge that the next time he closed his eyes, they would never open. He would never see me again, never beg me to heal him, never take another breathe.

It was my fault.
I don't diserve this thing called 'life'. It's for those who enjoy it, I don't. Not anymore, but i'm to blame.

Mathias? He was a party animal. There wasn't anytime when he wasn't laughing, or smiling. It didn't matter who it was, he was there to cheer them up.

Including me. Even if I pushed him away. Even when I rejected him he stayed at my side, with that same hope, that I would come around. I wouldn't, though. I was already there. Oh god, I wish he knew. He passed away with disappointment, sprinkled with rejection.
In my heart, I adored him.

I regret every second that I managed to convince him other wise.

But,
He won't be lonely forever.
His grave sit's right next to Prussia's..Gilbert Beilschmidt.

Instead of imagining them rotting in their coffins, I know that they're together, drinking and having a good time. That is what makes me okay, makes me feel like i'm just grieving, nothing more. He's having fun, while i'm down here, getting what I deserve.

As I sit infront of the gray stone, I don't think of the thing's I had earlier, but the things that are to come. The next house i'll be living in, to the next G8 meeting.

I reach out, and run my fingers over the ingraving, and the small Acrylic flag painted above his name.

It is peeling. But this, I am actually able to fix. That's what let's me know, I'm doing okay.
That's enough for me.