Welcome to the Comical yet Tragic misunderstandings of Legacy of Kain.
Each chapter is a misunderstanding that led to dire consequences, perhaps you may laugh as the reader, but please remember, you are laughing at another person's pain.
And please remember, keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times...
*Pulls lever*
Each chapter I add will be another misunderstanding from LOK... at the moment these stories are all in the Blood Omen 1 and Soul Reaver 1 time period.
The first of these stories is below... Vorador's Slaughter of the circle of nine. We all thought he murdered them, but if you read in between the lines... you shall see what really transpired.
(These stories are not property of Legacy of Kain and are made up entirely by me... all characters in these stories are property of LOK.)
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"Alive for ages, I am Vorador... the mighty... the proud... no one can stop me I am th-"
Vorador paused momentarily thinking of inspiration on what to write next... he made that cruel smile, the one that inspired fear into the hearts of man and wrote the next letters.
"I am the demise of everyone, everything I am-"
The pen stopped once more as Vorador looked for further inspiration... what was he? He'd been alive for well over 400 years... lets face it he wasn't winning any beauty competitions and if he had a sell by date... well lets just day the sticker probably wouldn't have existed yet... Vorador pondered this.
He said aloud to himself "Yes I am a vampire, yes I am one of the most feared and powerful beings... I have my own mansion... I own a swamp... errr."
Vorador began to write once more.
"I am a wealthy mansion owner, I own part of a swamp and at my whim I can make glasses levitate... at my whim."
Vorador chuckled to himself, he'd never had so much fun writing in an article to a kid's magazine before, he needed a new image, he needed to be hip, "cool"... why? He didn't know, he just had to do it... for he was Vorador... owner of a sword that looked vaguely like the Soul Reaver.
Vorador cast his mind back to when he was a lad, back in the days where men drawn carts were the "thing" and when William the Just's grandparents were still considering whether or not to have children who would then give birth to a man who would start a war made faction that would eventually attempt to take over the entire world.
Vorador thought deeply... "What was hip though, where did I and the lads 'jive'? AHA!"
Vorador smiled once more, jumping out of his chair.. he fell over, and as expected had great difficulty getting up.
"NO! Adversity will not slow me!" Vorador rose once more, triumphant over the chair which once held him, walking out of the door and coming across a save point conveniently placed in his own home he saved... not knowing what adversity would await him at the Cathederal he saved a second time... only to find, he'd run out of memory.
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Vorador changed into a bat, but realised he'd not gone on that 'red triangle that looks at the place you have to go so you can fly there yet' , cursing he took the next wagon he could... his slaves and vampires couldn't care less, they were just there to attack Kain when he'd come around 500 years later, they may as well be on their coffee breaks.
Vorador sat on the wagon, quite content with the view of villagers, walking up and down in straight lines without cares in the world...
A time later the wagon hit a rock and placed itself right between a house that just so marginally stopped the path, meaning if someone wanted to pass through they'd have to go through an entire sewer network fighting off hordes of monsters that would have undoubtly be summoned....
"Yes, sweet Avernus" Vorador proclaimed "Theres never been a town with so much delight." Vorador walked the rest of the way, passing various passers by who refused to talk to him, but were not in the least scared of him.
Vorador wondered why no one was talking to him...
"Ohhh" he chuckled "How could I forget THAT..."
Vorador changed into the form of a peasant right in front of the townspeople, walking directly into one of them he initiated conversation, the villager engaged in a heated conversation about how there were sprites and pixies in a local pond... Vorador was shocked, however at the same time he knew, that with this kind of 'dirty talk' he'd be the hip 'masta' in no time.
Knocking on the door of the outrageously oversized from one angle but downsized from another angled cathedral... he heard a bang, then shouts... it sounded like monks...
"Oh God, why are you reading that for?! You've just gone and burnt the ruddy Font" he heard one monk shout
"Well I'm sorry, I do get awfully carried away, how was I supposed to know that by reading these books I'd make an arm of fire which would inevitably burn the font down?"
Said the other
"Did you hear someone knocking?" said the original
"Must be those bloody peasants again, disease this and help me that, we're only here to make Kain slightly miffed when he comes through 'ere... we're not meant to help people."
said the clumsy monk
"Oh gawd, why'd we agree in the first place? Fame and fortune they promised us... only fortune I've had is this book... and that burnt my toast this morning..." said the other monk
"Its terrible... absolutely ruddy terrible, its so ruddy annoying, the next peasant that walks through that door I'm gonna give a damn good kicking."
said the slightly angry monk.
Vorador decided that perhaps bothering the "holy" ones was not a good idea...
"Where else can I go... why am I alone in my quest to be the Hip 'masta'... oh who am I kidding... i just want to be loved!"
Defeat seemed at hand for the lovea- I mean hated vampire... was no one willing to give Vorador the ultimate hip-ness?
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Vorador took the next logical course of action... he flew to the one place that no one would ever expect him to go... the personal luxury suite of the mighty and stick wielding Malek... leader of the Sarafan. The mighty Sarafan had killed a few of Vorador's annoying uncles and auntie's who sent him jumpers every Christmas... for this he was grateful. Seeing as Vorador HAD looked at the strange triangle thing that lets you fly to that place triangle, he turned into a bat and somehow flew in a circle till he hit the wall of Malek's Bastion.
Walking slowly through the corridors, Vorador looked over his shoulder.... he was sure someone, or something was watching him, he was right! A small ant, was watching his every move.
"A spy!" he exclaimed "a spy trying to ruin my moment of triumph! A slave to those who dare to oppose me and my cat like features!"
He attempted to squash the ant but failed, the ant was too fast... the ant ran towards a formidable looking door, with Vorador in close pursuit.
Noticing the ant crawl through a crack in the door he burst into the room, sword in hand.
"Haaaaaaa!" cried Vorador as he entered the room...
"Oh GOD!" a bald lady exclaimed at he entered...
Voradaor noticed, that he had stabbed a man accidentally, in his hurry to defeat the ant he had killed a man, how horrible he felt... would the legions of 'hip' ever accept him? Would he forever be some old man that had green skin and a fake sword?
As Vorador moved to catch the man he had just accidentally stabbed brutally, a burst of energy surged from his fingers... Vorador stood aghast, what had he done?!
"Ohhhh... figs!" he said with revelation...
He'd activated an energy bank before he'd entered the Bastion, to give him the energy he needed to 'groove', but he'd forgotten, he had an allergy to energy bank... it caused him to fire strange blue balls out of his hands that threw people to the floor.
"Ok ok" said Vorador to himself "So I've killed two of them, both accidental perhaps the other two'll understand."
Attempting to initiate the conversation with the bald headed lady he said
"I'm aw-"
"MAAALLEEEEEKKKKKKKK!" she interrupted.
"I didn't-"
"MAAAAALLLEEEEEEKKKK!" she interrupted again.
"Now look here can you please-"
"MAAALLLEEEEEKKKKKKK!" she interrupted, now Vorador was slightly annoyed.
"LOOK YOU STUPID... well whatever you are hip 'masta' I didn't mean to kill the guy at the door and I have this awful allergy to energy bank that causes me to-"
"MAAAALLLEEEEEE-" the lady was interrupted as Vorador accidentally threw a flay at her, he was aiming for the ant he had caught sight of behind her...
"Damn my cursed aim!" Vorador exclaimed to himself "Godammit!"
He caught sight of an old man edging towards the door...
"Aha! He'll be my friend" Vorador said happily, moving through the spectral realm to greet his new friend.
Vorador came out behind the old man, and must've shocked him, as the old man started emitting some green sparks in Vorador's general direction...
"Err... hi I'm Vora-"
"MMMAAALLLEEEEKKK!" Vorador was interrupted again by the old man
"What IS it with you people?!" Vorador exclaimed...
Feeling slightly hungry Vorador decided to have a quick swig of blood from a cup he was carrying, but oh so narrowly missed his mouth and poured it on the old man...
"Oh sorry I'll get that off" Vorador said in a friendly manner.
Sucking too hard just slightly he took the blood off the old man's tunic... unfortunately he'd also taken blood under the man's tunic too... the old man fell to the floor, with an unhappy Vorador standing over him.
"Well... seems I'm the only 'hip' one left..." Vorador said to himself as he went into the spectral realm once more to look at the hippy glowing colours. When he heard footsteps, a grand knight burst into the room, but his large spear had got stuck inside the door and he got thrown back... Vorador went out to greet the knight... and lets just say it got worse from there.
So there you have it, what REALLY happened... Vorador was OUR buddy and we betrayed him... for shame my friends... for shame.
Each chapter is a misunderstanding that led to dire consequences, perhaps you may laugh as the reader, but please remember, you are laughing at another person's pain.
And please remember, keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times...
*Pulls lever*
Each chapter I add will be another misunderstanding from LOK... at the moment these stories are all in the Blood Omen 1 and Soul Reaver 1 time period.
The first of these stories is below... Vorador's Slaughter of the circle of nine. We all thought he murdered them, but if you read in between the lines... you shall see what really transpired.
(These stories are not property of Legacy of Kain and are made up entirely by me... all characters in these stories are property of LOK.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------
"Alive for ages, I am Vorador... the mighty... the proud... no one can stop me I am th-"
Vorador paused momentarily thinking of inspiration on what to write next... he made that cruel smile, the one that inspired fear into the hearts of man and wrote the next letters.
"I am the demise of everyone, everything I am-"
The pen stopped once more as Vorador looked for further inspiration... what was he? He'd been alive for well over 400 years... lets face it he wasn't winning any beauty competitions and if he had a sell by date... well lets just day the sticker probably wouldn't have existed yet... Vorador pondered this.
He said aloud to himself "Yes I am a vampire, yes I am one of the most feared and powerful beings... I have my own mansion... I own a swamp... errr."
Vorador began to write once more.
"I am a wealthy mansion owner, I own part of a swamp and at my whim I can make glasses levitate... at my whim."
Vorador chuckled to himself, he'd never had so much fun writing in an article to a kid's magazine before, he needed a new image, he needed to be hip, "cool"... why? He didn't know, he just had to do it... for he was Vorador... owner of a sword that looked vaguely like the Soul Reaver.
Vorador cast his mind back to when he was a lad, back in the days where men drawn carts were the "thing" and when William the Just's grandparents were still considering whether or not to have children who would then give birth to a man who would start a war made faction that would eventually attempt to take over the entire world.
Vorador thought deeply... "What was hip though, where did I and the lads 'jive'? AHA!"
Vorador smiled once more, jumping out of his chair.. he fell over, and as expected had great difficulty getting up.
"NO! Adversity will not slow me!" Vorador rose once more, triumphant over the chair which once held him, walking out of the door and coming across a save point conveniently placed in his own home he saved... not knowing what adversity would await him at the Cathederal he saved a second time... only to find, he'd run out of memory.
------------------------------------
Vorador changed into a bat, but realised he'd not gone on that 'red triangle that looks at the place you have to go so you can fly there yet' , cursing he took the next wagon he could... his slaves and vampires couldn't care less, they were just there to attack Kain when he'd come around 500 years later, they may as well be on their coffee breaks.
Vorador sat on the wagon, quite content with the view of villagers, walking up and down in straight lines without cares in the world...
A time later the wagon hit a rock and placed itself right between a house that just so marginally stopped the path, meaning if someone wanted to pass through they'd have to go through an entire sewer network fighting off hordes of monsters that would have undoubtly be summoned....
"Yes, sweet Avernus" Vorador proclaimed "Theres never been a town with so much delight." Vorador walked the rest of the way, passing various passers by who refused to talk to him, but were not in the least scared of him.
Vorador wondered why no one was talking to him...
"Ohhh" he chuckled "How could I forget THAT..."
Vorador changed into the form of a peasant right in front of the townspeople, walking directly into one of them he initiated conversation, the villager engaged in a heated conversation about how there were sprites and pixies in a local pond... Vorador was shocked, however at the same time he knew, that with this kind of 'dirty talk' he'd be the hip 'masta' in no time.
Knocking on the door of the outrageously oversized from one angle but downsized from another angled cathedral... he heard a bang, then shouts... it sounded like monks...
"Oh God, why are you reading that for?! You've just gone and burnt the ruddy Font" he heard one monk shout
"Well I'm sorry, I do get awfully carried away, how was I supposed to know that by reading these books I'd make an arm of fire which would inevitably burn the font down?"
Said the other
"Did you hear someone knocking?" said the original
"Must be those bloody peasants again, disease this and help me that, we're only here to make Kain slightly miffed when he comes through 'ere... we're not meant to help people."
said the clumsy monk
"Oh gawd, why'd we agree in the first place? Fame and fortune they promised us... only fortune I've had is this book... and that burnt my toast this morning..." said the other monk
"Its terrible... absolutely ruddy terrible, its so ruddy annoying, the next peasant that walks through that door I'm gonna give a damn good kicking."
said the slightly angry monk.
Vorador decided that perhaps bothering the "holy" ones was not a good idea...
"Where else can I go... why am I alone in my quest to be the Hip 'masta'... oh who am I kidding... i just want to be loved!"
Defeat seemed at hand for the lovea- I mean hated vampire... was no one willing to give Vorador the ultimate hip-ness?
----------------------------------------------------
Vorador took the next logical course of action... he flew to the one place that no one would ever expect him to go... the personal luxury suite of the mighty and stick wielding Malek... leader of the Sarafan. The mighty Sarafan had killed a few of Vorador's annoying uncles and auntie's who sent him jumpers every Christmas... for this he was grateful. Seeing as Vorador HAD looked at the strange triangle thing that lets you fly to that place triangle, he turned into a bat and somehow flew in a circle till he hit the wall of Malek's Bastion.
Walking slowly through the corridors, Vorador looked over his shoulder.... he was sure someone, or something was watching him, he was right! A small ant, was watching his every move.
"A spy!" he exclaimed "a spy trying to ruin my moment of triumph! A slave to those who dare to oppose me and my cat like features!"
He attempted to squash the ant but failed, the ant was too fast... the ant ran towards a formidable looking door, with Vorador in close pursuit.
Noticing the ant crawl through a crack in the door he burst into the room, sword in hand.
"Haaaaaaa!" cried Vorador as he entered the room...
"Oh GOD!" a bald lady exclaimed at he entered...
Voradaor noticed, that he had stabbed a man accidentally, in his hurry to defeat the ant he had killed a man, how horrible he felt... would the legions of 'hip' ever accept him? Would he forever be some old man that had green skin and a fake sword?
As Vorador moved to catch the man he had just accidentally stabbed brutally, a burst of energy surged from his fingers... Vorador stood aghast, what had he done?!
"Ohhhh... figs!" he said with revelation...
He'd activated an energy bank before he'd entered the Bastion, to give him the energy he needed to 'groove', but he'd forgotten, he had an allergy to energy bank... it caused him to fire strange blue balls out of his hands that threw people to the floor.
"Ok ok" said Vorador to himself "So I've killed two of them, both accidental perhaps the other two'll understand."
Attempting to initiate the conversation with the bald headed lady he said
"I'm aw-"
"MAAALLEEEEEKKKKKKKK!" she interrupted.
"I didn't-"
"MAAAAALLLEEEEEEKKKK!" she interrupted again.
"Now look here can you please-"
"MAAALLLEEEEEKKKKKKK!" she interrupted, now Vorador was slightly annoyed.
"LOOK YOU STUPID... well whatever you are hip 'masta' I didn't mean to kill the guy at the door and I have this awful allergy to energy bank that causes me to-"
"MAAAALLLEEEEEE-" the lady was interrupted as Vorador accidentally threw a flay at her, he was aiming for the ant he had caught sight of behind her...
"Damn my cursed aim!" Vorador exclaimed to himself "Godammit!"
He caught sight of an old man edging towards the door...
"Aha! He'll be my friend" Vorador said happily, moving through the spectral realm to greet his new friend.
Vorador came out behind the old man, and must've shocked him, as the old man started emitting some green sparks in Vorador's general direction...
"Err... hi I'm Vora-"
"MMMAAALLLEEEEKKK!" Vorador was interrupted again by the old man
"What IS it with you people?!" Vorador exclaimed...
Feeling slightly hungry Vorador decided to have a quick swig of blood from a cup he was carrying, but oh so narrowly missed his mouth and poured it on the old man...
"Oh sorry I'll get that off" Vorador said in a friendly manner.
Sucking too hard just slightly he took the blood off the old man's tunic... unfortunately he'd also taken blood under the man's tunic too... the old man fell to the floor, with an unhappy Vorador standing over him.
"Well... seems I'm the only 'hip' one left..." Vorador said to himself as he went into the spectral realm once more to look at the hippy glowing colours. When he heard footsteps, a grand knight burst into the room, but his large spear had got stuck inside the door and he got thrown back... Vorador went out to greet the knight... and lets just say it got worse from there.
So there you have it, what REALLY happened... Vorador was OUR buddy and we betrayed him... for shame my friends... for shame.