Title: Closed Book.
By: Sharon Doyle
Started: April 1 2002
Finished: May 3rd 2002
Disclaimer: Recognisable characters aren't mine, Jackie is.
Rating: G
Genre: Angst
Authors Notes: You may want to re-read Shattered and From Within. This is the third part in this series. Many thanks to Penny for her ongoing support and wonderful friendship.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Keep a diary, she suggested.
She's got to be kidding. I haven't written in a diary since I was fourteen years old and confessing to a secret crush on my science teacher. And what a spunk he was, but then that's getting away from the subject isn't it? So here I am writing my deepest, darkest secrets into a diary. Well, on a scrap of paper anyway!
Jackie must think I'm a total fruitcake. Isn't counselling enough? To be honest I think it's a complete waste of my time and the department's money. She reckons it will reveal my inner most thoughts, thoughts that I am unwilling to share with anyone. Jackie told me yesterday that I am a closed book. Shit! What more does she want? I've told her more than I've ever told anyone. But still she says I am hiding things deep inside me. Well excuse me, but isn't a girl allowed to have a few secrets?
Apparently not! According to Jackie anyway. It's not healthy. Healthy, my arse, I reckon all this psychological mumbo jumbo isn't healthy.
Jackie wants to know more about Jack!
I know that. I also know I won't…can't tell her about him. It's not what he did, she knows all about that anyway. It's my intense regrets. I feel like I let Jack down. My role as his Sergeant was to look after him and his emotional needs. I took good care of his other needs and somehow the job got forgotten.
After his shooting I was consumed with Jack, it was like a lightening bolt hit and suddenly I knew. It's bloody corny I know, but that's what happened. Before the shooting, nothing and then I knew. I knew that Jack was important to me. I also knew he was out of bounds. It wasn't strictly unheard of coppers dating coppers, but it was my own unwritten rule. I would never go out with another member, especially at the same station and especially one of my junior constables.
Once Jack was well again, physically anyway I tried to avoid him. I should have been spending more time with him, making sure he was okay, but I was trying to protect myself. I failed as a sergeant! But more importantly I failed Jack.
It's not that I blame myself for Jack's crime of hatred. Really, I don't. I couldn't foresee that he would go off the rails so completely. I know some people blame me, maybe not for what he did, but for the so-called lack of support I showed afterwards. It was so hard, I wanted to distance myself from the hurt he had caused me, Tess, and so I became the ever diligent and professional, Sergeant Gallagher. I tried so hard not to show my feelings, and obviously it worked. My life walked out the door with Jack, my reason for being. Love is a wonderfully addictive drug but when that fix is unattainable then there seems to be little point
It's not that I was stupid enough to ever contemplate ending it all. Insecurity wasn't my problem. I know I am a complete person; I don't need a man to make me happy. Love and happiness is a bonus, but it is something I miss so desperately.
More important than losing my lover is losing my trust. My faith in human nature walked out the door with Jack. Cynicism is my new best friend. But it won't keep me warm at night.
Professionally and personally I need to trust. I must trust those I am working with, my very life depends on it. Personally, well there seems to be little point if you can't trust. I've never been big on trust; with a past like mine is it any wonder? Children implicitly trust their parents and with good reason. And when the very people you should be able to rely on to be there for you are the ones that continually let you down, well it's not hard to figure out the repercussions.
So, I entered my adulthood with a very damaged view of the world and huge trust issues. Jack broke down my protective barriers; saw through my tough façade to the real woman beneath. He taught me that the world isn't such a bad place, that people can be trusted, relied upon. He showed me love and affection, all those things that had been missing from my life ever since I can remember. Jack did all that and then…ruined it and then some. I won't make the same mistake again, ever!
What a contradiction I am. I say there is little point without trust and yet I say I won't ever make the same mistake and trust again. Maybe it was that I trusted the wrong people. But then again, parents and your lover, yeah you 'should' be able to trust them.
I must learn to trust again, but how?
It's an exercise in futility really, this diary writing. It's not getting me anywhere. I may have revealed some things but damn it, they're all things I knew about myself anyway. I feel like I'm going around in circles here and getting nowhere fast. I don't even know what I'm supposed to achieve. Is this supposed to give my life new purpose and clear away all the debris, much like the tide washing up against the shore?
I think if I've learnt anything from the Jack saga it's that I can't separate who I am into little compartments. For so long that's the way I've conducted my life, but it doesn't work, not really. Tess is part of the Sergeant and the sergeant is a part of Tess. I have to be a complete person in both areas of my life to be a decent human being.
Having Hayley with me has helped, of course. It's great to have a life away from the station. It feels wonderful to leave work and know that someone will be waiting for me. This is what families are meant to be like. It doesn't matter that it's not a blood tie.
But still this doesn't bring me any closer to a conclusion. I guess that's kind of what I'm hoping for…closure. But closure for what? My childhood, Jack, the suicide situation? And then I need to find some way to open myself up to what the future may bring. I have a family in Hayley. Do I want a partner, children? Or will my career suffice?
Questions, questions, they never seem to end. And this writing is proving pointless. Going round in circles when I should be at work. That's it, Jackie. Enough is enough. Let's see what the shrink thinks of my ramblings!
By: Sharon Doyle
Started: April 1 2002
Finished: May 3rd 2002
Disclaimer: Recognisable characters aren't mine, Jackie is.
Rating: G
Genre: Angst
Authors Notes: You may want to re-read Shattered and From Within. This is the third part in this series. Many thanks to Penny for her ongoing support and wonderful friendship.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Keep a diary, she suggested.
She's got to be kidding. I haven't written in a diary since I was fourteen years old and confessing to a secret crush on my science teacher. And what a spunk he was, but then that's getting away from the subject isn't it? So here I am writing my deepest, darkest secrets into a diary. Well, on a scrap of paper anyway!
Jackie must think I'm a total fruitcake. Isn't counselling enough? To be honest I think it's a complete waste of my time and the department's money. She reckons it will reveal my inner most thoughts, thoughts that I am unwilling to share with anyone. Jackie told me yesterday that I am a closed book. Shit! What more does she want? I've told her more than I've ever told anyone. But still she says I am hiding things deep inside me. Well excuse me, but isn't a girl allowed to have a few secrets?
Apparently not! According to Jackie anyway. It's not healthy. Healthy, my arse, I reckon all this psychological mumbo jumbo isn't healthy.
Jackie wants to know more about Jack!
I know that. I also know I won't…can't tell her about him. It's not what he did, she knows all about that anyway. It's my intense regrets. I feel like I let Jack down. My role as his Sergeant was to look after him and his emotional needs. I took good care of his other needs and somehow the job got forgotten.
After his shooting I was consumed with Jack, it was like a lightening bolt hit and suddenly I knew. It's bloody corny I know, but that's what happened. Before the shooting, nothing and then I knew. I knew that Jack was important to me. I also knew he was out of bounds. It wasn't strictly unheard of coppers dating coppers, but it was my own unwritten rule. I would never go out with another member, especially at the same station and especially one of my junior constables.
Once Jack was well again, physically anyway I tried to avoid him. I should have been spending more time with him, making sure he was okay, but I was trying to protect myself. I failed as a sergeant! But more importantly I failed Jack.
It's not that I blame myself for Jack's crime of hatred. Really, I don't. I couldn't foresee that he would go off the rails so completely. I know some people blame me, maybe not for what he did, but for the so-called lack of support I showed afterwards. It was so hard, I wanted to distance myself from the hurt he had caused me, Tess, and so I became the ever diligent and professional, Sergeant Gallagher. I tried so hard not to show my feelings, and obviously it worked. My life walked out the door with Jack, my reason for being. Love is a wonderfully addictive drug but when that fix is unattainable then there seems to be little point
It's not that I was stupid enough to ever contemplate ending it all. Insecurity wasn't my problem. I know I am a complete person; I don't need a man to make me happy. Love and happiness is a bonus, but it is something I miss so desperately.
More important than losing my lover is losing my trust. My faith in human nature walked out the door with Jack. Cynicism is my new best friend. But it won't keep me warm at night.
Professionally and personally I need to trust. I must trust those I am working with, my very life depends on it. Personally, well there seems to be little point if you can't trust. I've never been big on trust; with a past like mine is it any wonder? Children implicitly trust their parents and with good reason. And when the very people you should be able to rely on to be there for you are the ones that continually let you down, well it's not hard to figure out the repercussions.
So, I entered my adulthood with a very damaged view of the world and huge trust issues. Jack broke down my protective barriers; saw through my tough façade to the real woman beneath. He taught me that the world isn't such a bad place, that people can be trusted, relied upon. He showed me love and affection, all those things that had been missing from my life ever since I can remember. Jack did all that and then…ruined it and then some. I won't make the same mistake again, ever!
What a contradiction I am. I say there is little point without trust and yet I say I won't ever make the same mistake and trust again. Maybe it was that I trusted the wrong people. But then again, parents and your lover, yeah you 'should' be able to trust them.
I must learn to trust again, but how?
It's an exercise in futility really, this diary writing. It's not getting me anywhere. I may have revealed some things but damn it, they're all things I knew about myself anyway. I feel like I'm going around in circles here and getting nowhere fast. I don't even know what I'm supposed to achieve. Is this supposed to give my life new purpose and clear away all the debris, much like the tide washing up against the shore?
I think if I've learnt anything from the Jack saga it's that I can't separate who I am into little compartments. For so long that's the way I've conducted my life, but it doesn't work, not really. Tess is part of the Sergeant and the sergeant is a part of Tess. I have to be a complete person in both areas of my life to be a decent human being.
Having Hayley with me has helped, of course. It's great to have a life away from the station. It feels wonderful to leave work and know that someone will be waiting for me. This is what families are meant to be like. It doesn't matter that it's not a blood tie.
But still this doesn't bring me any closer to a conclusion. I guess that's kind of what I'm hoping for…closure. But closure for what? My childhood, Jack, the suicide situation? And then I need to find some way to open myself up to what the future may bring. I have a family in Hayley. Do I want a partner, children? Or will my career suffice?
Questions, questions, they never seem to end. And this writing is proving pointless. Going round in circles when I should be at work. That's it, Jackie. Enough is enough. Let's see what the shrink thinks of my ramblings!