Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Please don't sue me. I'm broke. My
bank account number is 64238572 if you want to wire me some money.
Authors Note: I've been reading Calvin and Hobbes sense I could read (you normal kids had Dick & Jane, I had Calvin and Hobbes), and I have been watching Indiana Jones sense before I could talk (Normal kids had barney, I had Indiana Jones) so I figured it would make an interesting fanfiction if I blended the two together. (Normal kids had.oh never mind)
"Hobbes, I'm bored." (a/n I would explain to you that this was Calvin talking, but as dedicated Calvin & Hobbes readers you probably already figured that out.)
"That's the fifth time you've said that in 30 seconds." (a/n this is where I would explain to you that this was Calvin's tiger, Hobbes, speaking and about how Hobbes is a stuffed tiger and may or may not be real. But you already knew that)
"Well there is a reason I'm saying it."
"So? What do you want to do? Ooo can we pick up babes?"
"NO! That's a terrible idea!"
"Ok ok, sheesh, sorry I mentioned it." Hobbes went back to reading Calvin's comic book.
"Hey I know!" Calvin nearly shouted in his excitement, "We can dig a trench in the yard and then sharpen sticks and line the bottom of the trench with them, and then build a giant wall with barbed wire and electric tape!"
Hobbes looked up from the comic book, "Why?"
"To keep our enemies out! Duh!"
"We have enemies?"
"Yes! We have enemies!"
"Who?"
"Well, uh, there's, um,-" He was cut off by a man in a fedora appearing out of nowhere in the middle of his room.
Simultaneously Calvin and Hobbes started screaming. Seeing them screaming the man started yelling. Hearing the yelling and screaming Calvin's mom started shouting, "CAAAAALLLLLLLVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN!! STOP MAKING SO MUCH NOISE!!!"
This shut Calvin up, who shut Hobbes up. The strange man stopped yelling because nobody else was. Thinking fast Calvin and Hobbes jumped behind the dresser to hide.
"Him! He's an enemy! My genius never ceases to amaze me!," Calvin nearly shouted, he paused then whispered, "so how so we get rid of him?"
"How should I know? You're the genius!"
"Umm, oh yeah, uh, as the genius I proclaim you in charge of the situation."
"Me? Why?"
"Because I'm to valuable to humanity." With this Calvin shoved Hobbes out from behind the dresser.
The man watched amusedly as a stuffed tiger fell on its face in front of him.
The man crouched down to talk to Calvin, "Look kid, I'm not going to hurt you. How about you tell me where I am?"
Calvin peaked out from behind the dresser, "Die alien scum!" he shouted and shot a dart at the man. The dart hit the man in the forehead. The man pulled it off and threw it aside, "look kid-"
"ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!" Calvin shouted, and fired a steady repetition of darts (about 4) before his supply of darts ended. The man started to pull off darts before and idea struck him. Feigning death the man fell onto the floor with a thud.
Slowly Calvin approached the man, "Hey, it worked! Hobbes it worked! I killed him! Another victory for our intrepid space hero spaceman-HEY!" The 'HEY' was in reference to the man grabbing Calvin's ankle. "I thought you were dead!" Calvin gasped.
"You were wrong. Now I want you to listen to me, can you do that?"
Calvin stuck his tongue out, "I'll never talk, alien scum!"
"Why do you keep calling me that?" the man said, and suddenly he jumped up off the ground, still holding Calvin's ankle, and stood holding Calvin upside down in front of him, "I'm not asking you to talk kid, I'm asking you to listen," the man continued, speaking slowly, "I am an archeologist-"
Calvin's eye's widened, "Really? COOL! Do you wanna see some stuff I dug up?" Calvin wiggled around so that he could point at a corner of the room, "It's over there, no wait, everything is upside down, maybe it's over there."
"Look kid would you let me finish? I am an archeologist looking for something called the tiger's lair. My name is Dr. Indiana Jones."
Calvin's eye's grew ever larger, "Indiana Jones??? THE Indiana Jones?? Wow! I've seen all of your movies!!!" Calvin was practically hysterical at this point, "You're the reason I wanna be an archeologist!!!! Well, you and Jurassic Park. BUT WOW!!!!"
"Wait," Indiana Jones held up his hand, silencing Calvin, "Movies?"
"Yeah! Raiders of the Lost Ark! And Temple of Doom!! And the Last Crusade!! They're even making a new one, due out July 5th, 2005, last I heard they were scouting locations in the southwestern deserts of the United States, the script involves a lot of whip action, with Sean Connary appearing as your father, and of course Harrison Ford as you, Indiana Jones."
"Wow, I don't know I was so popular."
"These movies are about you!! How could you not know about them?"
Indiana was taken aback, movies? About him? He was well known in his field but this.
"Hey kid, you don't happen to have any of these movies do you?"
"No," Calvin looked embarrassed, then he brightened, "But I know somebody who does, come on!" Calvin started wiggling, "Um, this might work better if you put me down"
"Oh yeah," Indiana said flipping Calvin up into the air and then letting go so that Calvin landed on the bed. Calvin bounced off the bed and landed on his feet next to Hobbes. "Ta DA!" he said taking a bow. He looked up at Indiana "Can I do that again?"
Indiana rolled his eyes, "No."
Calvin shot a look at Indiana and then forgot what he was angry about, this WAS the GREAT Indiana Jones after all. Quickly he grabbed the stuffed tiger, then Indiana's arm. He drug Indiana out the door and down the hall before he stopped suddenly.
"Uh-Oh, can't let mom see you." So Calvin dragged Indiana around in the other direction back into the bedroom. "Alright Indy, I can call you Indy right? Good, you hafta climb out the window ok? Come on hurry!"
Indiana, er, Indy, looked from the boy, to the window, and then back to the boy.
"Look kid, you might sneak out this window all the time but I'm bigger than you, I won't fit."
"Sure you will, just wiggle through on your stomach."
"Kid! Honestly-" but before he could finish Calvin had climbed up onto his desk and pulled the fedora off Indy's head. He threw the hat out the window so it landed on the edge of the roof. "Why the he-," he stopped himself, gritting his teeth he continued, "I mean, why the heck did you do that?"
"Because I wanna see how you get off our roof, would you jump for the tree, or just jump."
"Kid we're two stories up."
"I know, I've been trying to figure out how to sneak out his window sense forever. I mean, out the window I can do, it's the getting to the ground that's the tricky part. I made a parachute out of a blanket once but that didn't work very well. Now me and Hobbes are going to watch from downstairs. See ya!"
Calvin ran downstairs and out the door yelling "MO-O-OM!! I'M GOING TO SUZIES!!"
This left Indy in quite the predicament. But he solved it easily, and with little pizzazz or glamour. He stuck the Kid's baseball bat out the window, and used it to fish the hat off the roof. Then he took the stairs to the bottom floor, and walked out the door.
The kid was staring up at the roof and mumbling something to the tiger. Indy came up behind the two, "Hey kid," he started but was cut off by Calvin "ACK! How'd you get down here, you didn't just walk through the house did you, you did!! NO! What if somebody had seen you." and on and on. He kept going on like this until they got to a house a little ways down from the Kids. Through the Kids blabbering, Indy had managed to pick up that his name was Calvin, the stuffed tigers name was Hobbes, and that they were going to a girl named Suzie's house.
But things didn't go according to plan when they got to the door. Susie's mom answered the door and told them loudly that bad little boys and strange men went allowed in her house with a shout at Indy that he should know better. Then she slammed the door in there faces.
Calvin turned to the tiger, "This calls for an emergency meeting of G.R.O.S.s. come on Hobbes, you too Indy!" And back down the sidewalk they ran. And up into a "secret" clubhouse where Indy was declared the new honorary third member, sworn in as such, awarded the positions of Adventurer-for-life, head-of-archeology, and Best-Speller, given a hat, and an award for, well, being there.
"Hey kid, what does G.R.O.S.s. mean?"
"Get Rid Of Slimy girlS, of course."
"Oh," Indy nodded, "Of course.," Indy rolled his eyes, and inwardly swore off the possibility of ever having kids, ever. This was a complete waste of time, he needed to find this artifact, and sitting in this psychotic kids tree house wasn't going to help. And how was he ever going to get home? On that note, where was he? He was about to get up and leave Calvin, his tiger, and this strange club, when he noticed something. Dawn with sloppy crayon on a board in the clubhouse where the words, "the tiGerS LaiR."
"Hey Kid," he interrupted Calvin who was giving himself some awards, "what's this?"
"That's this," he stomped his foot, "this is the tigers lair."
Indy realized he was referring to the clubhouse. "Have you ever heard of the ledged of the tigers lair?"
Calvin shook his head.
"Do you want to hear it?"
"Right now?" Calvin asked, "I'm right in the middle of giving myself some awards."
"Well, yeah kid, right now, I haven't got all day."
"but-" Calvin was cut off by a voice
"Let 'em tell it. I like stories, especially ones about tigers."
Indy looked around, "Who said that?"
Calvin turned to Hobbes, "This stupid ball of fuzz, ok then, better get on with it before he eats you."
"Uh, ok," Indy figured the kid had said it, and pretended the voice came from the tiger, This place gets weirder and weirder, he thought to himself then began telling his story.
Authors Note: I've been reading Calvin and Hobbes sense I could read (you normal kids had Dick & Jane, I had Calvin and Hobbes), and I have been watching Indiana Jones sense before I could talk (Normal kids had barney, I had Indiana Jones) so I figured it would make an interesting fanfiction if I blended the two together. (Normal kids had.oh never mind)
"Hobbes, I'm bored." (a/n I would explain to you that this was Calvin talking, but as dedicated Calvin & Hobbes readers you probably already figured that out.)
"That's the fifth time you've said that in 30 seconds." (a/n this is where I would explain to you that this was Calvin's tiger, Hobbes, speaking and about how Hobbes is a stuffed tiger and may or may not be real. But you already knew that)
"Well there is a reason I'm saying it."
"So? What do you want to do? Ooo can we pick up babes?"
"NO! That's a terrible idea!"
"Ok ok, sheesh, sorry I mentioned it." Hobbes went back to reading Calvin's comic book.
"Hey I know!" Calvin nearly shouted in his excitement, "We can dig a trench in the yard and then sharpen sticks and line the bottom of the trench with them, and then build a giant wall with barbed wire and electric tape!"
Hobbes looked up from the comic book, "Why?"
"To keep our enemies out! Duh!"
"We have enemies?"
"Yes! We have enemies!"
"Who?"
"Well, uh, there's, um,-" He was cut off by a man in a fedora appearing out of nowhere in the middle of his room.
Simultaneously Calvin and Hobbes started screaming. Seeing them screaming the man started yelling. Hearing the yelling and screaming Calvin's mom started shouting, "CAAAAALLLLLLLVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN!! STOP MAKING SO MUCH NOISE!!!"
This shut Calvin up, who shut Hobbes up. The strange man stopped yelling because nobody else was. Thinking fast Calvin and Hobbes jumped behind the dresser to hide.
"Him! He's an enemy! My genius never ceases to amaze me!," Calvin nearly shouted, he paused then whispered, "so how so we get rid of him?"
"How should I know? You're the genius!"
"Umm, oh yeah, uh, as the genius I proclaim you in charge of the situation."
"Me? Why?"
"Because I'm to valuable to humanity." With this Calvin shoved Hobbes out from behind the dresser.
The man watched amusedly as a stuffed tiger fell on its face in front of him.
The man crouched down to talk to Calvin, "Look kid, I'm not going to hurt you. How about you tell me where I am?"
Calvin peaked out from behind the dresser, "Die alien scum!" he shouted and shot a dart at the man. The dart hit the man in the forehead. The man pulled it off and threw it aside, "look kid-"
"ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!" Calvin shouted, and fired a steady repetition of darts (about 4) before his supply of darts ended. The man started to pull off darts before and idea struck him. Feigning death the man fell onto the floor with a thud.
Slowly Calvin approached the man, "Hey, it worked! Hobbes it worked! I killed him! Another victory for our intrepid space hero spaceman-HEY!" The 'HEY' was in reference to the man grabbing Calvin's ankle. "I thought you were dead!" Calvin gasped.
"You were wrong. Now I want you to listen to me, can you do that?"
Calvin stuck his tongue out, "I'll never talk, alien scum!"
"Why do you keep calling me that?" the man said, and suddenly he jumped up off the ground, still holding Calvin's ankle, and stood holding Calvin upside down in front of him, "I'm not asking you to talk kid, I'm asking you to listen," the man continued, speaking slowly, "I am an archeologist-"
Calvin's eye's widened, "Really? COOL! Do you wanna see some stuff I dug up?" Calvin wiggled around so that he could point at a corner of the room, "It's over there, no wait, everything is upside down, maybe it's over there."
"Look kid would you let me finish? I am an archeologist looking for something called the tiger's lair. My name is Dr. Indiana Jones."
Calvin's eye's grew ever larger, "Indiana Jones??? THE Indiana Jones?? Wow! I've seen all of your movies!!!" Calvin was practically hysterical at this point, "You're the reason I wanna be an archeologist!!!! Well, you and Jurassic Park. BUT WOW!!!!"
"Wait," Indiana Jones held up his hand, silencing Calvin, "Movies?"
"Yeah! Raiders of the Lost Ark! And Temple of Doom!! And the Last Crusade!! They're even making a new one, due out July 5th, 2005, last I heard they were scouting locations in the southwestern deserts of the United States, the script involves a lot of whip action, with Sean Connary appearing as your father, and of course Harrison Ford as you, Indiana Jones."
"Wow, I don't know I was so popular."
"These movies are about you!! How could you not know about them?"
Indiana was taken aback, movies? About him? He was well known in his field but this.
"Hey kid, you don't happen to have any of these movies do you?"
"No," Calvin looked embarrassed, then he brightened, "But I know somebody who does, come on!" Calvin started wiggling, "Um, this might work better if you put me down"
"Oh yeah," Indiana said flipping Calvin up into the air and then letting go so that Calvin landed on the bed. Calvin bounced off the bed and landed on his feet next to Hobbes. "Ta DA!" he said taking a bow. He looked up at Indiana "Can I do that again?"
Indiana rolled his eyes, "No."
Calvin shot a look at Indiana and then forgot what he was angry about, this WAS the GREAT Indiana Jones after all. Quickly he grabbed the stuffed tiger, then Indiana's arm. He drug Indiana out the door and down the hall before he stopped suddenly.
"Uh-Oh, can't let mom see you." So Calvin dragged Indiana around in the other direction back into the bedroom. "Alright Indy, I can call you Indy right? Good, you hafta climb out the window ok? Come on hurry!"
Indiana, er, Indy, looked from the boy, to the window, and then back to the boy.
"Look kid, you might sneak out this window all the time but I'm bigger than you, I won't fit."
"Sure you will, just wiggle through on your stomach."
"Kid! Honestly-" but before he could finish Calvin had climbed up onto his desk and pulled the fedora off Indy's head. He threw the hat out the window so it landed on the edge of the roof. "Why the he-," he stopped himself, gritting his teeth he continued, "I mean, why the heck did you do that?"
"Because I wanna see how you get off our roof, would you jump for the tree, or just jump."
"Kid we're two stories up."
"I know, I've been trying to figure out how to sneak out his window sense forever. I mean, out the window I can do, it's the getting to the ground that's the tricky part. I made a parachute out of a blanket once but that didn't work very well. Now me and Hobbes are going to watch from downstairs. See ya!"
Calvin ran downstairs and out the door yelling "MO-O-OM!! I'M GOING TO SUZIES!!"
This left Indy in quite the predicament. But he solved it easily, and with little pizzazz or glamour. He stuck the Kid's baseball bat out the window, and used it to fish the hat off the roof. Then he took the stairs to the bottom floor, and walked out the door.
The kid was staring up at the roof and mumbling something to the tiger. Indy came up behind the two, "Hey kid," he started but was cut off by Calvin "ACK! How'd you get down here, you didn't just walk through the house did you, you did!! NO! What if somebody had seen you." and on and on. He kept going on like this until they got to a house a little ways down from the Kids. Through the Kids blabbering, Indy had managed to pick up that his name was Calvin, the stuffed tigers name was Hobbes, and that they were going to a girl named Suzie's house.
But things didn't go according to plan when they got to the door. Susie's mom answered the door and told them loudly that bad little boys and strange men went allowed in her house with a shout at Indy that he should know better. Then she slammed the door in there faces.
Calvin turned to the tiger, "This calls for an emergency meeting of G.R.O.S.s. come on Hobbes, you too Indy!" And back down the sidewalk they ran. And up into a "secret" clubhouse where Indy was declared the new honorary third member, sworn in as such, awarded the positions of Adventurer-for-life, head-of-archeology, and Best-Speller, given a hat, and an award for, well, being there.
"Hey kid, what does G.R.O.S.s. mean?"
"Get Rid Of Slimy girlS, of course."
"Oh," Indy nodded, "Of course.," Indy rolled his eyes, and inwardly swore off the possibility of ever having kids, ever. This was a complete waste of time, he needed to find this artifact, and sitting in this psychotic kids tree house wasn't going to help. And how was he ever going to get home? On that note, where was he? He was about to get up and leave Calvin, his tiger, and this strange club, when he noticed something. Dawn with sloppy crayon on a board in the clubhouse where the words, "the tiGerS LaiR."
"Hey Kid," he interrupted Calvin who was giving himself some awards, "what's this?"
"That's this," he stomped his foot, "this is the tigers lair."
Indy realized he was referring to the clubhouse. "Have you ever heard of the ledged of the tigers lair?"
Calvin shook his head.
"Do you want to hear it?"
"Right now?" Calvin asked, "I'm right in the middle of giving myself some awards."
"Well, yeah kid, right now, I haven't got all day."
"but-" Calvin was cut off by a voice
"Let 'em tell it. I like stories, especially ones about tigers."
Indy looked around, "Who said that?"
Calvin turned to Hobbes, "This stupid ball of fuzz, ok then, better get on with it before he eats you."
"Uh, ok," Indy figured the kid had said it, and pretended the voice came from the tiger, This place gets weirder and weirder, he thought to himself then began telling his story.