As she lit the candle on the altar, Amelia shepherd thought back to the last time she'd prayed to God. It had been on the day of her baby's birth, her unicorn baby. She'd begged for a miracle then, but she hadn't gotten it, and this time it wasn't going to be different.
Every now and then she came to the chapel to light a candle, mostly to remember lost patients. Today however she'd come to... Well, she wasn't even sure why she'd come. She was having a rough day, though it didn't compare to the day April and Jackson must have been having.
She kept thinking about her son and so she'd wandered in here. To pray for April and Jackson, but also to remember her boy and make sure that she wouldn't end up in the pharmacy instead.
Religion had never really been her thing though. She'd wished that she could believe in a higher power at certain points in her life, just to get her through heartache, but she could never fully do so. Because believing meant there was a God out there that created brainless babies, and plane crashes and that ripped away loved ones before their time. And that was just too horrible a thought.
This was for April though, and for the baby she was about to lose. And so she sent a prayer up to heaven before she turned around to leave.
To her annoyance there was an intern asleep in one of the pews, and she kicked against it, scaring the young woman awake. "There are on call rooms for that" She said viciously, and then she walked out. She had a patient to get to.
In the hallway she overheard some of her colleagues discuss Kepner and Avery as obviously had no idea how to go about it and were doing it all wrong. No matter what they'd come up with, it wouldn't do anything to soften the hurt and the pain, if anything it would make it worse. April and Jackson wouldn't want to be bothered today.
This wasn't anything Amelia wanted to deal with right now, but there wasn't a lot she could do for the couple, and this she could do, even if it would inadvertently compromise her own secret.
"I lit a candle. In the chapel" She said before she could lose her nerve, "Made me feel better. You can all just give them privacy, it's all they're gonna want". All her colleagues were staring at her now, but they seemed to notice how rude they were being and quickly walked off in different directions.
She was about to leave too when Owen's voice waded through the fog in her brain. "Eh Shepherd, you said you wanted to go over dr. Herman's tumor plan. Wanna get lunch?". He was trying to connect, and be kind, but she didn't have the energy to deal with her feelings for him today.
"Oh eh… I can't, I..." She was trying to think of a way to let him down gently, even though he was only inviting her for lunch, "I got a patient". She mentally thanked herself for remembering in time that she did in fact have solid excuse for declining and walked off in the opposite direction.
The case she worked on all day with Edwards wasn't easy, but that was good on days like this one. It meant her mind had no time to wander because she had to keep focussing on the task at hand. Plus the surgery was good practice for when she'd finally operate on Herman.
She wasn't herself today though, despite being so busy, she was still on edge and she kept butting heads with her resident. Realistically she knew why she was unusually cranky and that she was being a bit of a bitch, but she couldn't help herself.
After she tore Edwards a new one though she deflated. Precisely that moment Owen came walking up to the reception desk she was standing at. "Everything okay?" He asked and the way he was looking at her, eyes full of worry and sympathy, made her have to avert her gaze down to her tablet. Tears were prickling in her eyes and she fought to keep them from falling as she answered. "Yep". She sighed deeply.
He just kept standing there for a little while. It was obvious that he knew that everything wasn't okay, but he wasn't pressing her for more and she was eternally grateful for that.
When she'd composed herself a bit she looked up again and after a moment of hesitation he said, "Hey the candle thing, does work by the way, so thanks for that". Then he walked away and left her to her thoughts.
But she couldn't surrender to her thoughts just yet, she had paperwork to finish and patients to check up on and, if she was honest with herself, a resident to apologise to.
After she'd done all of that however, (except saying sorry because really, she was still head of neuro and she had earned the right to be hard on a resident every now and then), she had nothing to distract herself with anymore.
Walking around the hallway she kept thinking about her unicorn baby. Her son would have been nearly two years old by now, walking, talking, and probably a handful, if her own terrible two's were something to go on.
He'd be friends with Bailey, and they'd go to daycare together. Maybe she'd have her own apartment, so that he could have his own room, but they'd visit the Shepherd-Grey house often so that the kids could play, and he'd have his favorite uncle wrapped around his little finger.
Amelia was so caught up in her melancholy sadness that she hadn't even noticed where she was going. Only when she heard a baby cry did she realise that her feet had automatically carried her to the Nursery in the maternity ward. Great.
Now that was here though she couldn't quite get herself to leave either. She kept looking through the glass that separated her from all those little babies in their incubators. All those sick little babies in their incubators. Her hands balled into fists at her side at the sight of it.
A few of them were hooked onto ventilators, or cardiac monitors. Most of them were so tiny it was hard to believe they were even viable, but they were fighting. Every single one of them.
It hit her then that her little unicorn had saved multiple babies just like these. In all her grieve she hadn't really thought about that a lot today, but it was true. A six week old girl with pulmonary hypertension who'd needed new lungs, a ten day old boy who'd gotten a chance to see once he had new corneas, a fourteen month old kid that had required a heart valve, not to mention all the other infants and toddlers that had gotten a new chance at life.
She'd done the unimaginable, the horrible, the excruciating. She'd let them dismantle her baby for parts. But she'd done it. And all those other babies had been saved thanks to her son. Those babies were home now and growing up. And their mothers hadn't had to suffer like she had.
It wasn't enough to take all the loss away, but it was enough to make the pain more bearable. She wrapped her arms around her body for comfort.
A droplet of water fell down on the skin of her hand and she noticed there were tears running down her cheeks. She hadn't even realised she was crying until now, and she quickly wiped the tears away with her sleeve before determinedly turning around to walk away.
Looking into the nursery had made her slightly less sad, because even though it reminded her of everything she'd lost, she also really loved babies, and she'd always dreamt of starting her own family some day.
As she turned around however whatever little composure she'd gained a few minutes prior left her body again in an instant.
Jackson was pushing a wheelchair through the hallway to her right. April was sitting in it, head bent and hands on the bump that had previously held their baby. She looked the epitome of sadness, with glassy eyes and slumped shoulders.
It physically pained Amelia to see them this way and she desperately wanted to do something. She needed to do something. Problem was she didn't know what. Kepner and her worked with each other amicably enough but that didn't make for a friendship, or give her the right to intrude on their sadness.
However she couldn't just let them pass without saying anything. She realised this was probably selfish and the couple most likely just wanted to be left alone, yet she had to show her support. She knew better than anyone else how they must be feeling right now and she needed them to understand that they weren't alone.
As they neared her she greeted the couple "Hey". And Jackson looked up to meet her gaze. He slowed down but he didn't stop moving completely. Amelia understood why. "Hey" He said as she fell into step with him, "Sorry we're not really up for conversation, we just really wanna get out of here right now".
Amelia nodded, then realised he couldn't see her now that she was walking next to him. "I understand, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry, and if you ever wanna talk…".
"I don't wanna talk" April cut in before Amelia had a chance to finish her sentence. Amelia smiled sadly because that too was a feeling she could relate to all too well. "I know, but I also know that there's gonna come a time where you will wanna talk, and I just want you to know that I'm here. That you're not alone".
The redhead finally looked up at Amelia at that, eyes glistening with unshed tears, and suspicion mixing in with the dull sadness that had completely dominated her face up till now. Then she nodded.
Amelia gave her a smile that she hoped was comforting and stopped dead in her tracks. Avery, who hadn't been listening to the conversation at all, picked up his pace and bowed forward slightly. "Let's get home". Kepner nodded in response and referred her gaze back down again.
As Amelia watched the couple leave she felt a sense of accomplishment wash over her. She hadn't done all that much, but she'd done all she could do and that was what mattered. It was up to them to do the rest, unfortunately.
She felt calmer now than she'd done all day. The babies had helped, but talking to Kepner had definitely played a vital role. Now she just needed to be alone for a while. To just sit somewhere and think and not be disturbed.
Only one place seemed fitting and she forced herself back into motion, instinctively making her way over the the chapel.
Pushing open the door and walking in, she looked up and couldn't help the small smile that crossed her face. All the candles were lit, their flames bright in the dim lighting of the chapel. Apparently people had taken her advice to light a candle to heart.
The fact that her colleagues seemed to honestly care so much made her swell with pride, and that they'd actually listened to her made it that much better.
Amelia took a seat in one of the chapel's benches and kept staring at the burning candles. A hint of the smile still playing on her lips as she thought about everything that had happened today.
She didn't notice Owen coming in, only looking up at him when he sat down next to her and sighed deeply. She'd wanted to be alone, but somehow didn't mind him being there. Though she'd been unable to deal with him, and the feelings that came with being around him, earlier, it was rather comfortable to sit here with him now. He knew more about her than most people in Seattle, and she trusted him.
Suddenly she remembered how he'd offered to be one of her people, and she found herself talking, even though she hadn't actively wanted to do so. "My baby lived for forty three minutes".
Never before had she told this to anyone, not even her brother, and here she was telling someone who, in all honesty, she didn't know all that well. She couldn't look at him and kept her eyes focussed on the candles straight ahead.
Calloused fingers caressed her skin as his hand gently grasped hers. She looked down in surprise and then met his gaze.
He didn't press her for any more information this time either, but she somehow felt like she owed him more. He'd been so patient with her, trying so hard to comfort her even though he had no idea what was going on.
Part of her feared that this was a too much information type of thing, but really, she wanted to tell him, felt the distinct need to let him in on this little dark and twisted part of her. If he couldn't handle this then at least she'd know that they weren't meant to be and she would be able to stop whatever they'd had going on before it went too far.
"I got pregnant over two years ago, during my last relapse" It was no use hiding that from him, he already knew about it anyway, "It took me nearly five months to even figure it out and another week before I finally had an ultrasound".
She took a deep calming breath as she remembered the terrible day when she'd found out. "It turned out that my baby had no brain. Which is ironic, because I'm a bloody neurosurgeon but my baby didn't have a brain".
Owen was still silent and she appreciated him giving her the chance to get her whole story out. Or maybe it was just that he didn't know what to say. In any way it helped her go on.
"I decided to donate his organs, so that other babies would have a chance to live. I held him for a little while until they took him away to dismantle him for parts, which is horrible, but I just needed something good to come from it".
There. She'd told him. Now all she could do was wait and see how he'd respond.
Owen squeezed her hand and she could feel that he was looking at her. "Amelia, I'm so sorry. I know how hard that must have been". She met his gaze and smiled sadly, "No you don't, and I hope you'll never have to". She didn't mean to make him feel bad, but she needed him to understand that he couldn't possibly know.
A guilty look crossed his face. "You're right, I don't. I do know that you did the right thing though, by donating his organs. You did an amazing thing. You're amazing".
The sincerity in his voice surprised her. She'd expected judgement, horror, anguish. Her friends back in LA had never understood how she could, in their eyes, kill her baby like that, and she hadn't been able to convey to them properly why she'd done it.
Owen however seemed to completely understand her decision. He just accepted it without condemning her. He was handling all of this way better than she ever would have expected, which was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.
"Thank you" Amelia said, "For listening. And for not judging". They both smiled and he leaned up against her. "Any time".
They sat in silence again, watching the flames of the candles dance. Whatever they were had intensified ten fold these past few minutes, with her confession, her letting him in, and him comforting her. They both knew it. Things were about to change, whether for better or worse. And it was going to be an adventure figuring everything out.
AN; So I really wanted to write this because I think the show failed horribly with episode 11 and this was one of the things I missed. I'm quite happy with how this turned out, and I'm honestly proud of myself. I even proofread the damn thing which i normally never do so... Anyway, I might do a second chapter about Amelia and April talking, but I'm not sure yet, so just keep and eye out to be sure, and let me know if you'd be interested in that. Also please let me know what you think! (Especially about the last paragraph cause I'm insecure about that one). Hope you enjoyed it! Xx