Life After Edward

Life after Edward was a painful, long, and terrifying experience. Eventually after crying my life out I realized the way I acted was hurting everyone around me. Sometimes words would spoken would trigger a memory and I would end up breaking down right in front of someone without his cold comforting arms around to take my pain away. People stopped talking to me, all except Charlie who was hoping his optimistic wishes might rub off on me, they didn't. I stopped crying and began to focus on my future, seeing as College was looming over me. This did not mean, I had forgotten about him and all the pain he brought me, it simply meant I was hoping to keep my mind in a lighter place, a place were the only way I would get hurt was through rejection letters. This new me was immediately noticed by Mike the next day bringing all wishes he had for a relationship back to the surface.

" Hey Bella!" An overenthusiastic Mike practically shouted at me as I sat down in English. We were both extremely early so it was not a problem.

"Oh hey Mike, what's up?" I tried to act nonchalant but not dead so he would know I wasn't feeling sulky at the moment.

" We haven't talked in awhile have we? I stifled a laugh, he was trying to act cool in a

not-so-cool way.

"No, we haven't." I started to zone off but Mike was not going to let that happen.

"Bella, the gang and I are going down to first beach so I was wondering if maybe you would like to go…." I heard him mutter "with me" very quietly under his breath. I wasn't even thinking and quickly blurted out "yes" and then realized what I had gotten myself into.

"Great! It will be a lot of fun I promise and I'll pick you up at eight sharp." He looked like he was going to rocket out of his seat. I could tell he wanted to talk some more but thankfully the other kids started shuffling in.

The rest of the day droned on. I was trying to think of ways to get myself out of the Mike situation but everything I thought of made me look like a jerk or mentally challenged, so I would just have to let my head get cut off and not say anything. I, for some strange reason got excited almost like Alice would before a shopping trip but without the jumping up and down and screaming. Alice…,my best friend…… I thought and once again pain rushed to me. I pushed it out of my head, I had better things to do like figure out what to wear to the party. Once Jessica had heard I was going she filled me on all the details, most was about the relationships going on in school, she figured I would need an update because I had been "missing" for so long. This was a stupid assumption because I knew who was dating. I was always looking, in my mind I counted all the people who were happier than me, it was painful but counting and observing helped to distract me from things, things being Edward.

After the final bell I rushed out of class to my truck waiting patiently in it's spot. Threw open the door carefully trying not to hit the car next to me. Once in the cab I gunned the engine and drove home. I turned the radio on to my favorite station, they played alternative and I liked that, music was something I grew more attached to since Edward left, it was something special to him that I could keep even though he wasn't here anymore. The song playing was one I liked In the End by Linkin Park. I sang along to the words.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

After that I turned off the radio because I just entered a deep thought. Then it hit me, thankfully it wasn't a deer this time (that accident was 2 months ago). I realized the lyrics rang true for me. I did everything to convince Edward I loved him, and that I wanted to be with him, but in the end it was not me it was him. I was just not what he wanted, nothing I did or said could change that only him. I took a breath, a deep one, one that filled that hole in my chest. Now I knew that my 5 months of pain and sulking were useless but from it I had reached my sense of nirvana. I could never be truly happy like I had been with Edward, but I could live without his love, I could live off my memories. He was still vivid in my mind and I did not need anything else no one but Edward and I in a place where no one could touch us, heaven.