It was hard to explain at the best times, imposable at the worst. How do you describe the feeling of wanting to vomit? To realize that the man that controlled your life, was telling you to take care of one of your worst enemies, after his family had been killed. What I supposed to do? He was lying on MY bed, sleeping. Was there anything I could do? Vaguely I remember all he and his friends had done to me, I also remembered what one of his, so called, friends had done to him. His best friend. I remembered that bruises that had begun to appear on his arms, thanks to the wonders of Sirius Black's wild temper. Most of all I remembered adding to that pain, and wondering why it didn't make me feel better. I wouldn't be until much later that I would come to realize, why I lay beside one lover, that I felt pity for James Potter. It seemed to suddenly make sense, why he always seemed to strive to be the center of attention. Yet he always failed. He would never be as good looking as Black, as smart as Remus; he would never blend into the background like Petigrew. He was always just as he was, good, but not the best. He was an insider and an outsider at the same time. Never able to to strive higher then he was, so when someone sought to tare him down, he allowed it, because he believed if he couldn't be the best then he was worth nothing at all.
When I stepped into that room and saw him lying there, I remembered the day Lily had told me they where getting married. I had hated her for it. Not spoken to her since that day. Part of me didn't want to acknowledge that she did it to get James away from Sirius. When she got pregnant with Harry, I refused to see the child. Black saw him though, was always hovering around the boundries of Jame's life. No one knew what Black had done to James, accept the three of us. James had forbidden other to know.
He cringed as my fingers ghosted across his cheek. I couldn't have foreseen then how everything would change. How a man I had once hated, turned into a cowering creature could turn my heart soft. But it would. Everything would change when he stepped through the door to home at Spinners End. Everything would change and there was nothing that could stop it. He was no longer the James Potter I had known in school. He was a broken man; I didn't think there was anything on this earth that would never completely heal him.
The first days were odd. He was fevered, and weak. It was like waiting on a child, only he was far to quite to be a child. We barely spoke ten words to each other in those days. Often I would catch staring out the window beside his bed, his eyes distant. I wondered where he was at those times .I wondered why I cared. "James?" I said stepping into the room. He didn't look at me but a smile tugged at his lips."
"Why am I here? Where are Lily and Harry?" I had been waiting for him to ask me. I didn't want to tell him. Tell him that she was dead and his child was off with her sister because Dumbledore thought it was too dangerous for anyone to know that he was still alive. Lily didn't have to die. That was her own stupidity, but James had been targeted just as Harry had been. Hiding them in different places was for the best.
Sitting on the edge of his bed, well it had been my bed. I hadn't had time to prepare the spare bedroom. I sighed, "Lily is dead James, Voldemort killed her. The world believes that you are dead as well. Harry is with Lily's family." I thought I saw James eyes widen for a moment, then they settled back to the window. A shadow fell across his face. No, this was not the boy I had met in school.
"He is safe there." Was his reply, it wasn't a question. Though I found the need to respond. I remembered Lily's sister. She was a wicked, jealous woman. " What of Remus, Sirius and Peter?" I was surprised he asked after Black. I wouldn't have. If I hadn't known better I would have thought the man probably was a Death Eater.
"Black, was charged with turning you into Voldemort and killing Peter. Remus is still living in his family home on the cost." James nodded. Black hadn't been the you to betray them, Peter had. If he killed Peter, then perhaps they had both gotten the punishment they deserved.
"And all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." James whispered. I started, I hadn't thought James had ever picked up a poetry book, let alone Edgar Allen Poe. Laying a hand on Jame's shoulder, he turned towards me and tried to smile.
"I have to go to Diagon Alley, this afternoon. Dumbledore gave me this, so you could go out. It will alter your appearance." I handed him a small talisman. The other man took it, his eyes wandered over the soft silver. "It Reminds me of Mooney," he whispered "You'll miss him wont you?" He nodded. Remus had been there for James when no one else had cared enough to notice the way Sirius treated him
The alley was crowded as ever; James felt odd walking along the streets. His hair laying flat against his head, touching his shoulders, his eyes where now a deep blue, his once naturally tanned skin was pale. His glasses, which had once been made to be durable, where now thin frameless lenses. Severus walked beside him, watching him. It was okay though, he was used to being watched. Lily had often watched him like this.
When they swept into the apothecary, James smiled. He like this place, it smelled of rosemary and lavender, like Severus. He remembered when Remus would come back to the common room smelling like the Slytherian. Part of him wished he could have convinced Severus that werewolf hadn't had anything to do with Sirius' prank
He followed Severus down the isles wondering what he could want here. Severus almost never ventured into the smaller stores. He always ordered his ingredients and had them delivered so that he didn't have to deal with people. He hated to shop and he hated crowed, he always had, even during Hogsmead weekends during school.
As they passed a tray of dried Jasmine James stopped and picked up a sprig. He had liked the smell. Severus watched the other man as he picked up the sprig and then set it back down. Retrieving the same bundle, Severus slid it into he box and moved to the counter to pay for its contence. James had nearly smiled when he had lifted the herb to his nose. It had tugged at the dark wizards heart. It was a feeling he hadn't had since before he left school and he wasn't sure if he was willing to let himself feel it now. He was 25 years old after all. He had down well in convincing himself that he would never feel as he once had, in the arms of a lover.
Stepping out of the apothecary, James Froze, allowing his companion walk into him. "Don't stop in the door way James..." He trailed off in his lecture, when he noticed that cuase of James' stare. Standing not two feet down the street, was a very tattered looking Remus Lupin. "Come, lets go." It was too late however, the other man had seen them and was approaching.
"Severus, who is your friend?" Remus asked, looking at the too men. He had refused to allow Severus to completely slip away from him.
" This is James O'Ryle. He is visiting from Ireland for and extended period." Something flickered across the werewolf's features at the mention of the man's name. It hurt James to be lying to the man that had helped him so many times. "James, this is Remus Lupin. An old school mate of mine." James smiled brightly, Severus was a cleaver man.
"The werewolf you told me about?" Remus jumped, not expecting the stranger to know of his condition. "How wonderful, it's a pleasure to meet you Remus." The werewolf was startled, but accepted the offered hands. "I'm sorry to seem so enthusiastic but I have been quite obsessed with werewolves for some years now."
"Really, most people run for cover." Remus smiled softly at the smaller man. Jame returned the look.
"We must get together sometime, Remus. I could use the company, Severus is far to apt to lock himself in his lab and leave me alone." James said, throwing his dramatic nature to the wind. The werewolf laughed at the mans antics, Severus rolled his eyes. This was more like the James Potter he once known and it annoyed him greatly.
"Come along, James, we must be going." He guided the smaller man back through the streets the way they had come. James was still smiling softly when they appeared back in the parlor of the Severus' home.
"It was good see that he is doing alright." James said his voice barely touching a whisper. He came to stand beside me as I unpacked the crate from the apothecary. When he spied the Jasmine sprig he smiled. "It reminds me of someone that I once loved," he said cryptically. It startled me to realize that there had been another relationship in James' life. I knew neither Black or Lily had ever smelled of Jasmine. At times, it was hard for me to imagine James as anything but a sadistic bastard; even though I knew Black had once made a habit of trying to beat him into oblivion.
I reached out to brush my fingers across his face; he smiled shyly, pulling away. Those eyes looking at me with something I didn't quite understand. It was the look Remus had once given me before disappearing near the full moon. That look that said something wasn't being said, something that couldn't be said. There was little that could be done about it. He would tell me when he was ready and not before then.
Several days later I headed up the stairs from my potions lab, only to hear laughter coming from the front room. It was such a familiar sound, like an echo in the distance. Like hearing someone's voice in the dark, it takes you a moment to recognize whom the voice belonged too. I was still a bit surprised to find Remus Lupin in my parlor with James, the two of them laughing over some inane joke.
James looked up when I cam into the room, his blue eyes bright. He had taken to wearing the Dumbledore's charm at all times, taking it off only to sleep and bath. I t made it easier for me to forget that I suppose hate him, which only caused greater conflict when I saw him in his true form.
Lupin had not noticed the similarities between the man before him and his dead friend. Perhaps James had changed more than I had realized. We had never been friends, while he and Remus had been close since our final year of school. Remus had been there for James without asking questions. He didn't not need a reason for why James had changed so much, like Lily and I had. Remus had simply been their to protect his friend as James had protected him for so long.
"Severus, your friend has made a quite a study of werewolves, it is amazing." Remus said, standing as I came into the room. James smiled at me. According to Remus James had lived among a clan of werewolves while he was vacationing in Scandinavia. I looked at my house mate sceptically, but James nodded in affirmation. Apparently he had made the adventure as part of hi aura training and hadn't told anyone.
"Yes, it was amazing. Learning the differences between being born a werewolf or being turned later in life. How they live as community, even mating rituals." The color rose in James cheeks.
"You me someone." Remus asked and James nodded. "Owen was killed in a raid six months after we were mated." I looked hard at James, he was telling the truth, it must have been Owen that smelled of Jasmine.