Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans or Tokyo Ghoul
When was it I wonder? We all know that the world spins regardless of us and when we die it keeps going as if nothing had happened, still one holds strongly to the believe of having a certain worth if not to the world to those near you, I can't help but to wonder why it all ended up the way it did, when did those close to me stopped seeing me as something necessary, leaving me all alone with nothing but grief and a bunch of unclosed wounds the kind of wounds one can't heal no matter how much time goes by.
Truth is I can't find such answer, maybe that's how I ended up in this very moment, all alone in my room with no one to notice my absence but the cold metal my hand now holds, the only longing I feel as of now is for this small pice of matter, whether it gives me peace, pain or pleasure matters little to me at the moment all there is is this foolish longing and feeling of separation, as if I depart with the most sincere friend; my most precious person and irreplaceable item.
This matters I know not how to answer but I do remember how I met him my one friend whose light has kept me for all this months, were they there or four they could have been eighteen or twenty for all I care, for time is no longer something I keep track of; now is all disconnected, with no purpose or meaning otherwise I wouldn't consider it, friends, family and other bonds they make you go forward whether you like it or not, now I have nothing left, just my razor.
I must be quite mental, otherwise there is no way I'd feel as if someone is reading all this, or is it listening who cares, maybe I'm looking for justification to that part of myself that hasn't fully agreed in what I'm gonna do so for now I'll remember when I first noticed that the world had turned it's back on me and had no intention of ever looking back at the place where I was left behind.
It was a day like any other, the sun shone brightly, the kids could be heard playing, and the bank alarm rang like crazy for once again some wacko decided it was an easy way to earn a living by taking from others, a most meaningless approach, one would think after all the years the Titans had been in town people would realize how meaningless is for super powered humans to stand against them, and yet form time to time a normal guy or bunch tried their luck, hopping it was the heroes day off.
Tired of having to answer to such meaningless attempts the team of young heroes left such cases to one titan decided by drawing papers from the hat Starfire used once to hide her metamorphosis, but lately they were covered by me, since I was the only one willing enough to do them and with out and excuse to skip them. You see lately they all seamed to busy in their own personal affairs to care for the little things made by little people, because of these odd behavior patterns I tried to convince Our leader to stop worrying at such small matters and assuring him the police officers were capable enough to handle it on their own.
This was answered by one of his long speeches of justice and responsibility Batman had engrave into his very core, of course I understood the reasons behind this dual nature of actions contradicting his words, the poor boy was in love and while his mentor had taught him all about crime fighting and responsibility he was lacking in the department of affection beside of that he had gotten from his parents, and now his girlfriend tried her best at making him open up.
So as always on that day I once more got out there and acted like the team's public face, and example of why the citizens of this one place can go out to the streets safely, and with no worries of anything mayor happening to them for the heroes who pledged to serve and protect take this one promise means the world to them; at least that was supposed to be my job since it was really easy to take down this simple matters on my own.
That one particular day the alarm rang non stop filled with these small crimes, bank robbery, pickpocket, all any person pushed enough towards despair would do as simple as that, this types of small illegal actions were more given birth out of necessity rather than true pleasure in indulging in them, not something you could pass with a simple scolding, yet I couldn't help to feel a bit of understanding and pity towards these criminals. Back then I could not realize how this side of me was a weakness anyone could see and exploit.
It was then that I noticed people whispering behind my back, when I took criminals to the police station, when I was rushing towards the crime sene, they simply said in the lowest voice possible "Titans had fallen low, even as busy as they might be they should at least send a decent hero, not their lapdog" another said "Just how can we feel secure when the one who helps stop crime is nothing but a green freak, heck if that's the option I'll take that dark witch any day at least she is something to look forward to, and she is so scary no villain would be so stupid to stand up to her, but this green freak is plain pitiful I recon no one takes him seriously and if us powerless civilians don't how will a powerful villain do so."
Such things said about me wasn't surprising, since I entered to the hero business I had been called many things, however that didn't make it less painful, after all I had never been called such things since I came to this city, feeling betrayed was the best way to define how I felt back then, but one gets used to many things, the trouble started after it.
At first I though it was just the whispers of an unsatisfied citizen nothing mayor they have always existed after all, people who are unable to understand anything different from them or what they're accustomed, people like this have existed since the very beginning of human race and trying to stop them from doing so is as futile as trying to make the sun set sooner than usual.
My naivety once more stopped me from noticing the truth but soon it was so obvious no matter how much I tried to deny it for they were all against me, well their hatred was not directed to me as individual as much as it was to the fact that I existed at that very moment, my unholy existence had become an stigma that marked that city as cursed or something truth to be told I am unable to fully understand, after all I'm just a shadow casted by a person who has locked up in his safe place for far too long.
Realization came after I delivered the prisoner to the police and was made to declare the circumstances of the arrest, I noticed how the whole police department looked at me in disbelief, I could tell rather easily how unwanted I was, the whole station looked at me as a worst criminal than the one I was delivering. They whispered and cursed my existence, to them I was nothing but an abnormal freak who had just stolen a bit of their paycheck.
As I went back to the tower I felt dizzy for some reason my legs refused to move in accordance to my wishes, it was a rainy afternoon I had no umbrella so it soaked my bones with ease, still I felt it only reflected my state of mind, for every part of my body seamed to get heavier by the minute, just like my clothes, and in the end the weight was to much and I fell, in accordance to my clumsy character I am managed to sprain my ankle and unable to stop my fall to the ground my face ended up hitting the wet pavement.
Because of the fall and my sore body I was unable to get up, and even though I remembered the disrespect the citizens felt towards me I still held deep within myself a small bit of hope, of a friendly hand to help me up, yet while I laid there no one noticed my existence some even stepped on my hands injuring them, the cars passing by covered my body with mud until I got up by my own means noticing how lonely I was in this world, for not a single person was wiling to help me, after all this years of looking after them all I was to them was a pebble on the road, something to be discarded with ease.
When I got to the tower everything was quiet, too quiet actually after inspecting everything for a while I realized there was not a single soul, normally I would've thought of it as sad and lonesome, yet after the day I just had it suited me well for the last thing I wished for was for my friends to realize my sadness, for my place in this team was to make everyone happy, to make them feel bad for me was something I swore not to do ever again.
I got to the kitchen and poured a glass of water to appease my dry throat, when I raised the glass the knives in the counter caught my attention for some reason, after finishing the water and putting the glass down I started to feel better, yet for some unknown reason my left arm started to move towards the knife and after grasping it firmly it made contact with my right arm stabbing it a little near my elbow.
For some reason my whole body felt incredibly cold, and it went stiff but not long after it relaxed completely some what giving me peace, it was a rather odd feeling it most certainly hurt yet for some reason I felt free, just like after taking of some constraining clothing as if I had just let go of everything, all of my worries, all the frustration, each of my burdens lifted, yet all good things have an ending. The burden of being hated by every person in the city, the insecurity I held as whether my friends were the same, I wanted to trust them still somewhere within I had doubts.
Soon I realized I had just made quite a clumsy thing once again, for the knife was stained with my blood, and even if I washed it some of it could remain and without a doubt Cyborg's sensors could pick it up so I needed a cover up in case he notice so that he did not notice the possibility of it not been an accident, so taking the knife I slice my thumb; the cut was much deeper than the first stab so the calmness lasted a bit longer, so I cleaned the evidence after coming back to reality, but something bothered me, for the actions and thoughts I just had after drinking that glass of water, felt somewhat foreign just as if someone or something had done it in my place while I witness how my body was harmed and only felt the results, not knowing how to answer all this I went to my room and laid in my bed.
In there many thoughts assaulted me, but the most persistent one was to try it once again, this time by my own will and not because of something else making me some of my self preservation instinct kept me from doing such thing, but with so much time in my hands it ended up happening, with little doubt I sliced lightly my wrist with my claws.
By doing so I noticed whatever took over me was no amateur, for it had easily struck skin without a single hesitation, quiver and above all it was done smoothly and without hitting any life threatening spot, instead when I tried it was nerve wreaking to just think how badly it could all go, yet all the pressure from the day remained all I wanted was for it to stop so I did it, much deeper than it had been the other times, it all felt so cold and painful; despite how warm the blood oozing out was my whole body felt as cold as a pice of steel.
With all this feelings one would think I wanted to stop for good after that, but for some reason it felt just as if it was the first action I had taken by my free will, just as if i had just thrown an overly heavy load, or perhaps the chains that had bounded me for so long, so elated I was that the world stopped mattering there was nothing but calm within me, however this lack of attachment was paid with blood quite literally so much I passed out before I knew.
That night I dreamed a lot more than usual, or so I like to call it: a dream, for in fact I recalled the very first day of my existence and with it all the reasons behind my lack of depth as well as some of my erratic behavior over the years, such as the reason behind my all time happiness, or my absence of sadness towards the death of my parents.
On that day I woke up in an all white room with just one window the farthest from me as possible, and by my side was a man who wore a helmet in his head and some real mean looking eyes but with an unexpectedly kind smile. His eyes looked at me with an odd mixture of grieve and pity not really understanding anything I started to look around and noticing my change in behavior the man spoke, with a calm voice that was filled with sadness and said to me
"You must be confused as of now, I must apologize for your first time using your eyes and senses to be in such an austere place, however It is my duty to tell you just how different you are from others. You are nothing but a part of a person who wished to be kind to this ruthless world, so you only have his happy and positive traits, you can't understand pain, sadness, madness nor hate, no matter how much the world around you suffers you'll smile with your whole might, for that is your job, your one and only purpose in life, with time you may come to understand other feelings even those you are unable to understand as of now, and remember deep within the original remains and it would be better if he never had to awaken ever again that way you won't remember who you truly are and the things you've done."
When I woke up I felt betrayed, for back then I might have been unable to understand, yet now I felt nothing but a tool to make things easier on my foster family, well more like that coward's way of getting away from his problems, while I was thankful for all the happiness I got out of that selfishness not to mention my own life it was all to pointless for I was nothing but a broken doll with one function remaining. Cursed to fulfill it to the end of time for no good reason even if I refused deep within my soul It would be carried out.
Stranded in a city who loathed my existence and "friends" I got just to keep fulfilling my task, nothing but emptiness rested on my soul, and so I took my new roommate in my hand and slashed my wrist allowing me to smile in front of others one more day, and I keep this for about a month as my body slowly weakened making me more vulnerable than ever as I solve the problems of ungrateful dwellers of the light, until one day it all crashed above me.
On that day after answering about twelve calls ons normal robberies, the police requested assistance for a booming with hostages seeing the situation was somewhat delicate I decided to ask help form the others, after all people tend to think I'm not serious and that is the last thing you need in a tense moment, first I went looking for Robin after all despite being a human both criminal and civilians have a great deal of respect for him, or maybe it is that way because he is a human, so they feel safer around him, as for the criminals, they simply notice it's against their well being to turn against him, yet it was fruitless he was not anywhere in the tower.
After a little I found a note written by Star stating she was leaving with "boyfriend-Robin" to a traditional tamareinian feast that would be held in her planet, and they would not be coming back until two days latter at night, the note was dated exactly two days ago my memory had certainly not been useful once more then he thought of Cyborg but he had also gone yesterday to help titans east in some repairs of their tower. Having wasted too much time I chose to try to contact Raven on the way to the scene, my heart was racing in worry for this kind of incident could take quite some effort to resolve without cussing harm.
After getting all the people I could some claimed there were more inside, so I went back there despite not actually believing what they had said, however it was easier to simply go somewhere quiet than have to take all the scorn, anger and disrespect for no good reason perhaps it was just my way of fulfilling the purpose the original had given me of making others happy to the expense of my body and soul, for deep down I believed the best way for me to make the people of jump happy was to get away from their sight, at the same time taking away all of my problems if by a miracle I did not make it back, at the moment it looked as the best option.
Entering the now empty edifice and walking unsteadily while approaching the ticking bomb, my mouth was dry and all of my muscles rigid in expectation every step was harder than the last one, one would think someone about to commit suicide would be more than happy realizing how near the closing act of his life is. I thought so, yet as my demise grew closer doubt and fear took possession of my body and just when a step was all that separated me from the destruction device, I froze unable to move forward or backward for the matter, and just as the light engulfed me one last thought crossed my mind or more like a memory, of the happy days with the Titans and how much I enjoyed my time with them in the end I said "I want to live".
I woke up hours latter my body was overly sore and nothing but derives was around me, some above me yet I managed to crawl outside as I had lost too much blood in the past weeks I collapsed just from getting outside the destroyed construction. How long I slept for is hard to tell still I did and went looking for food, my hunger so great and my body so weakened I was happy to find a trashcan with food leftovers from a restaurant, this was my life for a week looking for food in the trash for I had no money or strength to get to the tower, so I limped towards the T tower pushing my broken body to it's limits, despite doing my best to die a little ago something pushed me to keep on living, what I knew not however in the end I got to the island.
The first thing my tired eyes saw were the happy faces of my companions, Star and Robin were cuddling in the sofa while staring at each other's eyes and looked in bliss while cyborg was speaking in the phone while cooking, as for Raven she was on a corner and while she was not looking happy she did seamed at peace.
Trying not to intrude in their happiness I mustered all of my energy in turning into a falcon to fly to my window, yet to my surprise it was closed and my transformation did not last enough to find a solution or going all the way to the roof, so I was forced to enter through the front door and before I could get to my room I had to go in front of the living room/kitchen yet I hoped not a single one of them would notice me; once again the universe proved it's unwillingness to let things go my way, my transformation had taken too much energy so I passed out before the door for about a second, when my consciousness came back they all had noticed my presence.
For a moment I thought they would receive me gladly although a bit worried for my lack of presence in the last days, but what met my eyes were disapproving gazes just as if I were some sort of criminal this made me anxious but in order to maintain the attention off me I acted as normal and with a smile on my lips I mustered a hey guys how's it going which made Robin visibly angry.
Showing his leadership he confronted me "Don't you think it's far to calm of you to simply show up as if nothing happened? I mean you disappear for a weak for no good reason, and when you come back you look unkept, dirty, overly tired, with sings of fatigue and bloodshot eyes. So as your leader I must tell you, this kind of behavior can not be overlooked! You see we are a hero team and as such we don't take time off, as stressed as we might be we don't go parting for a night, much less for a week! I'll overlook it this time out of my kindness, but believe it when I say there will not be a second time. So let this be the last time we see such a deplorable aspect of you after getting high for god knows how long."
After having heard such things I could do nothing but to lower my head in a true disbelieve, for I had returned and not only do find they were able to be in the same state of happiness with no need of my presence or acting as cushion for the opposed postures in ways of thought and the fact that they had me in such a low expectation of my actions that they easily believed I was a junky freak that got so high he lost track of time for no good reason and returned home thinking it was the same day he left, so I just lowered my head and for reason they let me go to my room without saying much.
As I lay in my room the feelings of yesterday when I was trying to die by the explosion resurfaced, after all there was no point in continuing living, there was not a single person I could make happy by living and judging by the way my teammates treated me there was no one who would be saddened by my dead, at least not in this city and I was to tired to try to move to another city, so tired I found no more reasons to keep going, nothing that gave me the push needed to get up in the morning I had nothing. Death seamed a rather alluring idea.
Taking my left arm and rolling up my sleeve I held my right ungloved hand near it ready to slash, however for some reason my normally long and sharp nails that resembled an animal's claw were now overly small just like a normal human. This while being a little frustrating did not discourage me so I went to one of my drawers and took out a barber knife, shining for it's blade was perfect and it's sharpness true without a doubt it could cut through, so with no hesitation I slit my wrist so deeply my veins were cut and the blood started oozing out, as I got lightheaded and started feeling the relive of passing out something in my arm changed, or more like my whole arm changed to a scaled reptilian like arm, this chance managed to stop the bleeding after which it turned once more yet this time to a hairy monstrous arm with large claws that I had identified as the beast within me.
The arm moved outside of my control and took the blade from my hand and bended it to then threw it outside the window, panicked I tried to change my shape to that of a bird but it was useless then I recalled how close to the rooftop my room was, so without missing a beat I threw myself out of the window, the air was refreshing at first yet soon it turned too cold for my taste the thing I can recall most is my despair, not because I was about to die, it was because I failed to do so once again.
Some of my ribs cracked my right ankle ended up so twisted my foot was facing the other way, so I tried to go for a second serve and painfully went to the rooftop to end the pain once an for all, after all there was not a single soul that would miss me, but no one hat to see me for that would make them try to stop me and at that point it was the last thing I could want at that time.
One could say the universe was against my will, for there was certainly someone in the roof and above all it was the hardest person to deal with Raven. Not just because she could witness my suicide, that actually did not matter to me at all, it was the fact that she could feel other's emotions and therefore she was able to tell how much I was suffering and no matter how much I could try to make it seam otherwise to make her go away, she would not buy it so I chose to get away and hope she thought it was someone else.
As I quickly got away and back to my room, while waiting I tried to calm and go back to my usual bubbly emotional state not something easy to to pull but thanks to spending half a life with a mindreader helped me control my mind to lengths a normal human can't achieve emotions included, while it's not as good as Raven's ability to feel nothing I can actually overwrite emotions with others a lot stronger.
In my room I waited, hopping she would leave quickly her observation spot before doubt got the better of me and stopped me from doing what was necessary, just as I got ready to give it a second try to a bit of asphalt diving a small knock reached my ears, it was so soft it was nearly impossible to hear but without a doubt I heard it and smelled the person outside the door with my enhanced senses, the smell of books, incense and herbal tea the last person I ever dreamed would knock upon my door: Raven.
With her ever unfeeling voice she uttered "Beastboy I know your in there, so please open the door I won't do anything I just want to talk" Her lack of emotion made it hard to tell if it was a desperate plea or more of a threat, knowing her I assumed it was nearer the second so I hurried and opened the door and prepared for some sort of reprimand and started thinking just what did I do this time and what was the best way to made her go away as quickly as possible, so that my fake emotion did not waver.
No outburst of rage came, nor dark magic spanking or something like that, she was just there standing as if waiting for me to act to start, yet at the time I was frozen unable to do anything. That sort of thing tends to happen with people you care for the most, the doubt gets the best of you and stalls making things harder to deal with most of time, yet you doubt out of fear of hurting both yourself and the other party, this gets worst if this person happens to be the one you love, which happened to be my case. Indeed for a long time now I've held feelings for her that go beyond friendship, not knowing what to do I simply acted like the clown every one knew.
"Hey how's it hanging girl! Welcome, welcome oh great traveler that dares set foot in this barren land, proud owner of the most fetid smell in the region, what may I do to serve you!" I said in a silly tone and with a mocking bow as if receiving the visit of a queen, this action was responded with the expected glare yet it was lacking for there was no nasty comeback as she would normally do, nor did she leave as I had intended all she did was nod and come into my room.
There was awkward silence for a few moments, since I did not actually think she would come in and now I had no idea of what to say and in the end her attitude was odd so I ended up saying my thoughts and asked "Raven are you all right? You seem a bit odd, you don't a a fever do you?" To which se frowned and told "Aren't you the one who's odd? I mean you disappear for a week, then come back as if it's not a big deal don't you think you are way too wired?" At the moment a small spike of anger overpowered my fake emotions, in the end I guess a hopped deep down that she cared about me, in the end her speech was so much like Robin's I understood it perfectly she was sent here and it angered me to no end that they had used such a dirty trick and at last my anger broke out.
"Well maybe there is an actual problem with me, so what? is not like you care? I mean it's not like any of you has any real reason to care! Everyone in this city knows I'm no good for this team! All I do is mess up! I have no control! I've put us in more troubles than the ones I actually manage to solve! An even when we are at home all I do is cause trouble for you guys! I tell annoying jokes and do the most childish pranks! In the end I'm nothing but a failure both as man and hero!
Every one would be better of without me! "
I had known for a long time now, and all I did was to run away from the truth in the end why was I trying to hide the fact of my suicide? My dead can only bring happiness so why did I tried to make it without anyone noticing until it was too late, I finally noticed it was not kindness towards them, it was my foolish hope that they cared a way to protect myself; there were no more doubts now I truly made my resolve I must die, in the end all I wanted was a reason not to do it, after seeing how the world rejected me all I wanted was someone who needed me the only reason to keep living.
I was stepping towards my window to finish the deed, when something wrapped around my chest this caused me anger to raise, for Rave was most likely biding me with her magic so I turned to face her and attack if needed, yet what I saw was never among my possible scenarios of how things would go; with her head down and without her hood Raven had wrapped her arms around me.
A weak voice broke the silence and it was certainly not mine "How come I did not notice it was this bad" her voice almost broke as if a great sorrow covered her heart "I was blinded... right now you might think no one could care less if you were gone, and while I can not speak for the rest of the world I know I would miss you and it's painful to think you could go away, if not for your lame jokes, pranks and pushy attitude I would always remain in my room unable to think past the great evil I once brought to this land, if it weren't for my friends there is no way I could have been saved, you did that Beast boy, you and everyone else but above all you are the one that let's me see past the dark more so than anyone, and it might sound very selfish but I need you."
I was not going to fall for that, the words were right but this was Raven, a cool thinker who can read emotions whenever she pleases without any emotions of her own to halt her, just why would she say such things as if it were true, but there I was wrong as I looked around me I notice al my stuff fling through the room without control, yet more surprising than that as she raised her head I saw tears rolling down her face, an not just a few it was just like a summer rain soft yet so much it soaked my shirt as I was left speechless.
It was at that very moment I noticed my wish had just come true: there was someone who needed me, some one worth living for and the girl I loved at that, what else could I need but her smile if I could make her happy that was fine. I cleaned the tears from her eyes and whispered to her ear "It's all right I'm not going anywhere as long as you are here and need me I'll be here, I'll remain by your side forever if it's what you wish for, even if I'm torn, even if I'm hurt, no matter how tuff things are I'll remain by your side."
Then she fainted I guess all the emotional turmoil used all of her powers and strained her both fiscally and mentally. I went to her room en laid her in her bed feeling like a new man I returned to my dirty habitat and laid in bed covering myself the winter breeze coming through my window, if I recall correctly it was December third, spring was still far but in my hear it had arrived early. I was at peace what could go wrong?
Sorry for despairing for so long this is something to give more of an explanation to why the sto started rather than the crappy thing I have in the beginning, if you ar a new reader pay no mind to this note. I try to upload more things but I can promise nothing, only this fic is an probably will never be up for adoption even if it takes me anoter five years to finish. For I am the undeadgorewolf. See you around kids