I didn't want to kill him. I really, really didn't. I think of him now, as I stand outside of his empty house. The tears flowing down my face are cold, colder than the ice gripping my heart. He was my best friend. Why did I have to kill him?
Less than an hour ago, I was standing outside of this window, wondering if he was awake. His voice surprised me. Looking through his open window as I listened to his invitation, my dead heart seemed to ache at the weakness in his voice.
Climbing in, I saw his face clearly. His eyes were nearly lifeless. The only emotions they held were sadness and pain. There wasn't a glimmer of hope left; he had already resigned himself to death. This was his last night; he knew it as well as I did.
Even as he told me it was alright, even as he tried to smile and hide his fear, his pain, his sadness, all I wanted to do was run away. I wanted to climb back out that window and run away.
Let someone else finish him off, I had thought. Why do I have to be the one to kill him? Megumi was fine with it, why didn't I let her bite him? Why did I have to intervene?
My legs were ready to run, to run right through the wall if they had to. It was my stomach that had stopped me. The pain of the hunger was unbearable. It had felt as though someone had reached inside me and was rolling all of my organs into a ball, twisting and twisting. I had no choice.
He looked so weak as he lay under his covers. So weak as his eyes met mine. "I'm sorry." I stuttered, tears filling my eyes, blurring my vision.
"It's alright." He lied. I knew he was lying. He knew I didn't believe him, but he said it anyways, maybe hoping I would feel a bit better that way. Even on his death bed, at the moment before he died, he thought of me. Me, the one who was about to kill him. I was about to kill the most caring friend I could ask for, and I couldn't control my actions.
As tears rolled down my face, I leaned forward, opened my mouth, and sank my teeth into his warm neck. Blood, hot and salty, filled my mouth. I sucked more and more out of his, until I knew he was dead. He breathed his last breath while my fangs were burrowed in his neck.
Pulling my head up, I looked at his face. It was pale, paler than my own. The paleness of death. I had just killed my best friend. Sobbing, I stood up.
"I'm sorry, Natsuno. I know you can't hear me, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I could barely speak. I looked at his face one more time, wishing he would respond, wishing he would tell me, just one last time, that it was alright, that everything was alright. He didn't. He couldn't speak. He was dead.
Before turning away, I leaned down and placed a single kiss, soft and gentle, on his lips. I knew he wouldn't feel it though. "I'm sorry." I whispered once more.
I had run out his window, wishing I could keep running. My legs wouldn't take me more than three feet away, so I here I have stayed.
I keep turning around to look at his window, wishing his face would appear out of the darkness. Wishing beyond hope that he would still be alive, willing to forgive me.
He doesn't appear. I wait until an hour before dusk, but he never appears.
I stand up and head towards the manor. A part of me wants to stay outside until the sun rises. A part of me wants to be burned alive by the sun, to die a horrible painful death. A part of me died with Natsuno, the rest of me wants to follow him into the realm of death.
I force myself to walk, despite my desires. If I die now, his death was meaningless. I killed him, I can't run away from that. I can't escape the torture that will follow me for the rest of eternity. I can't escape myself, no matter how much I desperately want to.