A/N: I think as a fair warning, I should tell this fic deals with Finn - because not everyone wants to read about it, not everyone wants to think about it, which I understand. At first I thought surprise was a relevant element in the fic, but honestly, it feels unfair not to warn, especially when it's as important as that. I've been asked several times to write a Kurtbastian fic that dealt with Finn, but honestly I can't put myself through following those prompts yet. I just had this feeling one day, I was thinking about it and this came out.
It is an unknown feeling, for Sebastian to be oblivious to what is going on with Kurt.
Most of the time, Sebastian knows exactly what is going on with Kurt.
Most of the time, Kurt knows right back what is troubling Sebastian.
One of the most surprising things about their relationship is that they turned out to be extremely talented at reading one another. When Sebastian doesn't know how to put his emotions into words, Kurt somehow manages to figure them out anyway; Kurt though, he always ends up confessing and letting Sebastian fix it, because they both know he can.
This time it's different though.
Something has been bothering Kurt for weeks and he won't talk about. He avoids the matter and is hardly around their apartment even, and if Sebastian didn't know any better, he'd think Kurt is having a secret affair. However, Sebastian knows better, knows that it would not explain Kurt's apparent sadness, but at the same time he is too proud (and scared) to ask Kurt if he is considering breaking up with him for some reason.
That is why, he ends up theatrically walking through the door of Blaine and Sam's place, asking:
"Do you think Kurt would ever cheat on me?"
It's not a real question, he knows the answer. But it still bugs him and he feels the need to be reassured by someone who has been close to Kurt for longer than him.
Blaine looks up from where he's been shaping his cookies, gives Sebastian the most weirded-out glare and then gets back to his sweets, as if Sebastian hadn't asked.
"Fine! Ignore me!" Sebastian groans, strolling closer and resting his hands on the counter, standing opposite to Blaine. "This is what I get for being friends with you while dating Kurt. You're both so fucking moody."
"I am so thankful that Sam and I didn't actually bet on what was going to be the cause of your next dramatic entrance. I would have lost everything that I own." Blaine says calmly, seemingly over-focused on his task. "Sam thought it was going to be about Kurt's cat."
Sebastian rolls his eyes. "What did you think it was going to be about?"
"League of Legends?" Blaine offers, looking up at him. "You shaving your head … again, and then regretting it … again?" Sebastian scoffs, clearly annoyed. "Kurt refusing to kiss you because of your newly grown mustache. That would have included you complaining about how picking between Kurt and having mustache wasn't part of the deal when you decided to get into a relationship with him."
Sebastian looks away and chews the inside of his mouth. Blaine is so hard to deal with sometimes and on any other day, he would have the patience for it.
Not today though.
"C'mon, you gotta help me out, man." He winces. "It's driving me insane!"
"Ask Kurt then." Blaine shrugs, shaping a cookie like a gold fish.
"I can't just 'ask Kurt'." Sebastian parrots his voice. "He wouldn't tell me now, would he?"
This time, Blaine actually looks up at him, eyebrows lifted like he can't believe what Sebastian just said. Sebastian starts feeling guilty under that gaze immediately and Blaine must notice.
"Do you honestly believe Kurt would cheat on you and then hide the truth if you asked?" He looks so disappointed in Sebastian, Sebastian actually feels ashamed. Inside though, deeeeeeep inside. "Just answer that." He says more coolly.
Sebastian stands there for a moment, gaze wandering around the room. He tries to come up with any logical argument that could support his initial theory but the truth is he has none, and not even his instinct actually considers it as a possibility, so eventually he sighs and falls into one of those precious stools Sam insisted on having by the bar counter in their kitchen.
"No, I don't." He looks up at the ceiling. "He would never."
"What's the problem then?" Blaine asks, finally putting the cookies in the oven.
Sebastian is doubtful about this. Whenever he has a conversation with Blaine, he suspects Blaine will go and tell Kurt, because hey, they've dated for so long in high school, have talked to each other all the time for years and Sebastian is just ... Kurt's boyfriend (he is not, but in this very moment he feels like he is just that).
"I don't know." He confesses, and when he looks back at Blaine he is staring back, seemingly concerned. "He won't talk to me, he's nervous and evasive, and last night he forgot to feed Mr. Popsicle."
Blaine giggles quietly.
"So is this about you having to feed his cat because he wasn't in the mood? Maybe he did it on purpose and he wants you to get along with Mr. Popsicle."
"No, he didn't." Sebastian sighs. "It's not about that, he's just ... shutting me out. He never shuts me out, not anymore, and I can't stand it. It's killing me."
For a moment Sebastian hates that he confesses so much more than he wanted. Blaine is his friend of course, but he's still unused to sharing his own emotions. He hasn't even been there with Kurt for long. But then Blaine gives him a tentative smile, looking like he knows - which is kind of infuriating because of course he would mess with Sebastian even though he knows.
"I can't believe you don't know what this is about." He says honestly. "It's that time of the year. The date is coming."
Sebastian literally has no idea what Blaine is talking about.
"I know I've made a lot of jokes about Kurt being a girl in the past," he says, "but believe me, I've had enough proof that he's not by now. And it'd be that time of the month anyway."
"Idiot," Blaine throws a cloth at him and Sebastian grabs it in self-defense, "As if I would ever come down to your jokes. That is so not what I meant."
"What did you mean then?" Sebastian asks eagerly, but Blaine shakes his head.
"Honestly, I don't think you should talk to me about this. Or Sam for the matter." He explains, giving Sebastian that soft aware smile that is fond and irritating at the same time. "No one but Kurt is the right person to talk to about it."
"I don't want the right person." Sebastian complains. "I want to know what is wrong with him. I want to fix it."
"Well, you can't." Blaine says, swinging back and forward with his hands on the counter. "No one can fix this. I know you kind of have that superhero complex when it comes to Kurt, and I used to be like that too when we dated, but honestly? You'll realize soon enough that sometimes he wants to be his own hero. Especially when you can't help or save him. Just ... let him be."
Well, that is irritating.
Sebastian scoffs and walks away before things degenerate. At first, he's furious. If there was something he had never doubted before was that Blaine did love Kurt. Going back home, Sebastian feels like someone who loves another person wouldn't just let them be if they're not okay – and if Sebastian himself says so, when for most of his life he has only ever had love for his family, no one else, then it must be true.
By the time he gets home, he is convinced that Blaine was simply using that strategy to push Sebastian away and keep his precious secret – or Kurt's precious (and hurtful) secret. He guesses it is natural somehow. Not fair, but natural. Blaine and Kurt have known each other for longer, they have spent years together when Sebastian was in France, spent years together when Kurt and Sebastian weren't anything. It makes sense that Blaine would try to hold on to something he knows.
Of course, the mature part of Sebastian, the one he often suppresses in favor of his childish self, believes that what Blaine said is true. He should just ask Kurt. Of course Kurt wouldn't not tell him. That was Sebastian's way of hiding, a way not to admit that he is scared to ask because he doesn't know what this is about. He fears it has to do with him, counts his actions in the past weeks as he might count the steps to their apartment while he reaches it.
Nothing out of the ordinary comes to his mind.
Sure, Sebastian isn't one to always behave but Kurt is upset in ways that are more than his usual 'frustrated-over-Sebastian' mood.
Eventually, when he opens the door with his own key – having brought himself to be so pathologically afraid that he's the one to blame that he doesn't even want to knock – and finds the whole apartment just glowing in the cold weak light coming from their TV, Sebastian thinks Blaine might be right. There are things that cannot be fixed.
He closes the door behind his back quietly, steps in to find Kurt sitting on the floor, back against the couch as he sobs, knees held to his chest and The Lion King playing on screen.
Sebastian hates the sight of it.
Kurt might be shorter but he never looks tiny. He is actually the big one between them despite Sebastian being taller. That's because Kurt is strong, his inner greatness makes a statue out of him, but right now, Sebastian has a lost puppy before his eyes. Kurt has never looked so small or defenseless, so defeated and so broken, and so out of this world that Sebastian starts fearing Blaine was right about it all, including the part according to which Sebastian can't do a damn thing about this.
He doesn't call Kurt's name. He knows that when Kurt is aching, he prefers no formalities. Asking him how he's doing is idiotic and insensible because A) he clearly isn't okay; B) he doesn't want to be asked.
Sebastian steps through the room carefully, drops his bag as quietly as he can on the chair of the living room and then strolls to the couch. It's clear Kurt knows he's there, but he's just watching the movie, not saying a word about his presence, not apologizing. Kurt doesn't apologize unless he thinks he is overreacting. Sebastian knows, so he guesses Kurt is not overreacting.
Without saying a word or asking any question, Sebastian sinks down next to him.
If there's anything he has learned is that Kurt finds more comfort in his hold than in any sympathetic word Sebastian might come up with. So he pulls him an awkward floor hug, pressing Kurt as close to him as he can, feeling his stomach clench when Kurt starts shaking more, crying louder, gripping his shirt. Sebastian pats the back of his head, presses soft kisses through his hair, rubs his cheek along Kurt's temple.
Kurt doesn't stop, Sebastian doesn't pressure him into doing so.
He's never ever seen Kurt so hurt, which is why he figures if Kurt wants to cry for the following eight hours, Sebastian will stay there, sit and put, and hold him through it. After all, Kurt isn't pushing him away, which means it can't be about Sebastian. His presence is not unwanted.
A lot goes by like this: Kurt crying, Sebastian wondering and breaking a little inside, the Lion King still playing, almost coming to the end. It is bizarre but again, Sebastian won't ask about it. Having dated for a while know, they know one another's habits; Kurt will tell him what it is when he's better. He will, he always does.
When the room is growing warmer for the two of them, bodies pressed close and sadness pooling in Sebastian's stomach despite his efforts, Kurt finally speaks.
"He was going to be 27 today ..." He says, then starts shaking again, crying harder, holding onto Sebastian as if he was the only thing keeping him from falling down a pit.
At first Sebastian frowns, but then it starts to make sense. Of course.
He pulls Kurt closer, tugs him in, kisses him again.
There is not way of fixing this, it's true. But it doesn't mean Sebastian will let Kurt go through it alone.
"Did he like it?" Sebastian asks, doesn't need to be more specific.
"He loved it." Kurt shakes against his chest. "He always said Pumbaa was his favorite thing to ever be animated."
Sebastian chuckles, rubbing his cheek on Kurt's head and caressing his back and every part of his body he can reach. He wants to tell Kurt that he should have remembered, should have known it was Finn's birthday, but he's sure Kurt doesn't want to hear any pointless apologies right now. He wouldn't blame Sebastian for it, as Finn passed away before they could establish a proper relationship.
"You probably think I'm an idiot." Kurt says though, warm breath ghosting over Sebastian chest and making him weaker than he wishes to be at the moment. "Doing this is … masochist, I know-"
"Cathartic I'd say." Sebastian corrects. "You're not an idiot. I get it."
"You do?" Kurt asks, nuzzling along Sebastian's neck as he cries and shivers and sounds as broken as he looks even in the partial darkness.
"Yes." Sebastian says, tilting his head back to look at him. Kurt's eyes are red and swollen and his lips look like he's been chewing them for hours, they're cherry-colored and shining a bit. "Oh Kurt."
He wants to scold him, really; wants to yell at Kurt for not reaching out, for probably not eating. But it'd be crazy and selfish of him to do so now.
When Kurt sinks back into his chest and it goes on for minutes until Sebastian is losing track of time, he can't help but sigh.
"I don't know what to do." He confesses, honest and powerless.
Kurt mutters something he can't catch, then pulls back for him to say it clearly, looking into Sebastian's eyes.
"Thank you." He says, not smiling with his mouth, but his eyes tell he would if he could.
Sebastian does smile. "Do you want to watch some other movie on the list?"
For a moment he thinks that he might have overstepped, that he might have made it sound like it's some funny spare time activity or that he has invaded something private that Kurt didn't want to share with anyone else.
Eventually though, Kurt does smile, looking sincerely moved.
"You would?" He asks like he can't believe it.
Sebastian's heart aches a bit.
"Of course." He sounds almost offended that Kurt would think the opposite. "Let's do this, okay? I'm going to get some food and we'll just sit here all night and watch all the movies he loved that you want to watch. And if you don't, then we won't. And if you want to talk about it, to talk about him, we will. If you don't, it's okay, just know that you can."
Kurt does smile fully then, reaches out to place a soft kiss under Sebastian's mouth. Sebastian can feel the insult on Kurt's mouth before it leaves it.
"You hide so much good stuff underneath all your trash." He teases, but he's grinning and he's giving Sebastian that look, the one where Kurt looks so in love, Sebastian himself can't understand what is the part of him that made him fall, what is it about him that got him Kurt.
"What do you mean trash?" Sebastian puts a hand on his heart, like he's wounded.
"Such a jerk on the outside," Kurt answers, fluttering his eyelashes, "but oh so good to me."
Sebastian scoffs.
"Someday you gotta over your initial conception of me as a cold hearted snake."
"Look into his eyes-"
"Don't you dare." Sebastian threatens as soon as Kurt starts singing, but it's playful. "Time for dinner, big boy. Pick a movie, I'll be back soon."
He moves to stand up but Kurt grabs his arm, holds it like he is afraid if he legs go of Sebastian for five minutes, then it'll be hell again.
"I want to talk about him." Kurt says and then Sebastian honestly would feel like a monster if he left.
"Sure." He settles down again. "Talk to me for as long as you want."
Kurt does. He talks about Finn for hours, tells funny stories with bitter and fond laughter, tells sad stories while tears stream down his face, makes remarks about the times Finn upset him and feels guilty about it a moment later, tells about how he'd wish Finn would still upset him now. When it becomes too much and he breaks again, Sebastian hugs him once more, cuddles him, strokes him; and even though he can't possibly erase the pain, he can sure as hell be Kurt's shoulder to cry on. Kurt looks beautiful when he cries anyway, which is awful but also undeniable.
Eventually, Kurt ends up falling asleep against him.
Sebastian is kind of pissed that Kurt managed to evade dinner in the end, but he is not going to wake him up. Instead, as soon as he'll be capable of escaping without Kurt noticing, he'll take care of dinner, he'll keep it warm and wait for him to wake up. Kurt doesn't like sleeping on the floor and it usually lasts less than three hours unless it's a planned slumber with pillows and sheets.
It might have been hurtful to see Kurt this way, not fixable and bent rather than unsinkable, but it was also new to Sebastian, and he is thankful that they've come to the point that Kurt shows him even his most private side. He opened up over something so personal and hurtful, opened up for Sebastian to see his deepest wounds over his tragic loss – it's even more relevant to him than when Kurt started opening up about his mom, because with Finn … it's not been that long, and time can't heal this, but it does soothe the pain.
That night, after Sebastian has manage to make Kurt eat and they're cuddling again in bed, holding for longer than other nights and being as close in the soul as they've never even been with their bodies, they exchange words of love, and by the time Sebastian is drifting towards sleep, he hears Kurt whispers, quiet and warm in his ear, "He would have loved you, too."