I loved him so much...So much that it hurt. I was bleeding inside. Dying more and more every day...Now let me tell you, this story is not your average romantic evening...There's going to be PAIN. Plenty of pain...I'm smiling just at the thought of it. So much pain. My body barely being able to handle all the hurt...Shaking in desperation...Screaming in agony...Smiling in satisfaction...It all seemed so surreal! Pain couldn't be the cause of such pleasure, right? Oh, you have much more to learn my friend. More smiles. More and more of those empty smiles. Not the ones the lovely pain causes, but the ones that you force.
Those pretty fake smiles that everyone believes. My, my, how stupid some people are! They will believe anything you say!
"Oh, yes! I'm just fine. Happy as ever! How about you?" I say to myself, mimicking all the lies. I hate people sometimes. No, all the time! They don't look inside you enough...They don't look you straight in the eyes. You can always tell if someone is hurting, but no one cares enough to ever look. At least, not for me. No one cares about little me. The only person that I thought cared was my 'beloved' Matt. If he loved me, he wouldn't have made me feel this way. He wouldn't have let this keep building up until I had to force him to do what I wanted. I wouldn't have had to hurt him if he would just obey!
I know what you're thinking...I abused him until he had sex with me? Yes, I am quite straight forward with my words, but no...That is not what I did. I taunted him until he abused me. I needed the pain from him. I needed to feel the heartbreak. I needed to see him mad. I needed the only man I loved to make me cry. It is a weird passionate feeling that I need to satisfy.
Flashback
"You're worthless! You'll never make it in this world. You are a NOTHING!" I growled at him. I could almost feel his eyes burning into me.
"That's not true, Sonny...That's not true," he said shakily.
"Oh, but it is my dear. You're worth nothing but a fuck or two and then it's time to give you up like the little childrens toy you are," I said and he shoved me against the wall. I had to hide my smile.
"Say that again and I-," he said, but I stopped him with a kiss. He jerked away and held my face with his hands, squeezing my head, but not enough to hurt...I needed more...
"You'll what! Get rid of me? Face it, Matty! Without me you would be on the streets. I own you," I said.
"You don't own me! I don't need you," he screamed and bit his lip. He knew what was coming.
"You need me more than you think! You're a repulsive joke! You are NOTHING!" I yelled and grabbed his arms. He was always one to stand up for himself. He yanked his arms out of my grasp and smacked me. The sting sent a tingle down my spine.
End Flashback