Stained glass. Choir, organ. It was a wedding like Valoran had never seen before, and would likely never see again. Some of the most wealthy and influential individuals from across the continent had gathered here, and they were all flabberghasted beyond belief.
"Apparently, this wasn't a joke," Garen Crownguard said to his younger sister, Luxanna.
"It seems like everyone's here," Said Lux, looking around. "Even some of Zaun's Chem Barons have showed up. And besides," Lux said, turning to her brother, "You know that Jarvan isn't the joking type."
The Sona threw her hand into the air as she trilled two notes on the organ, and brought it crashing down as she began a majestic crescendo. Without warning, the doors were kicked open, a towering figure silhouetted by the bright afternoon light. As they strode forwards, all could see it was Jarvan, festooned in full royal battle regalia. His golden armor shone like the sun, full of intricate filligree and engraving.
"I just hope this won't drag on for too long," Ezreal said to himself. "Don't you think it's odd he's in full armor?" He asked Caitlyn. "He's even carrying that lance of his."
"For all we know, she could come down the aisle wearing a strap-on and two party hats as a bra," Caitlyn answered.
"I did not need that mental image," Ezreal groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Relax, Ez, it's not the end of the world. In fact, we might even have a chance to save it..."
Elsewhere in the pews, Azir leaned down to speak to Sivir. "You know, my daughter, you are almost past the marriageable age-"
"Perfectly aware of that, thank you very much."
"You have great wealth, and have inherited my royal looks; any man would be-"
"I've gotten by just fine without settling down." Sivir interrupted. "And besides, I didn't come to this quaint little cathedral get lectured as you play matchmaker. I have my own reasons for being here." Though his descendant's response ruffled his feathers the wrong way, Azir stayed resolute.
Sona launched into the bridal march, and serenely strolling through the doors was a jarring sight that sent a shock through the assembled nobles. They had of course received the letters, but none of them actually thought it would be Jinx. Greater still was the surprise of what she was wearing: a very conservative white gown with long sleeves and a train; lace flowed around her cuffs and collar, and pearls dotted her bodice. Her long blue hair was done simply in a single braid over her shoulder and it was slightly wavy from being kept in her usual tight braids- for anyone familiar with Jinx, it was the absolute last thing they expected to see her wearing. Ahead of Jinx skipped two flower girls, one scattering white rose petals, and the other one tossing bullets. As she reached Jarvan, the commotion quieted down.
With a totally oblivious smile, the minister raised his voice. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of these two free and consenting individuals. What their hearts have shared in private, I will now reaffirm and bless here in your presence. Jarvan Lightshield, fourth of your name, I call upon you to state your oaths to your betrothed."
Jarvan lifted the visor on his helmet, and took Jinx's hand in his. "Jinxy,"
Garen sighed and facepalmed.
"From the moment I first met you on the Fields of Justice, I knew. You were so free, so wild, and so unencumbered. I could never quite figure you out, and I began to enjoy facing you in lane. I just wanted to come up behind you and yank on your braids as I-"
Quinn threw up a little in her mouth as Jarvan finished the sentence, and struggled to get her breath back. Shyvana patted her on the back and rubbed her shoulder for a moment.
"-And there was no one else like you. Jinxy, I promise to protect your freedom, to stand by your side wherever you may roam-"
"Please tell me he does not mean that literally," King Jarvan muttered under his breath.
"Have a little faith, dear..." The queen whispered to him.
"-And be your shining beacon like yoo are for me."
The minister nodded, and turned to Jinx. "Jinx of Zaun, I call upon you to state your oaths to your betrothed."
"So, Jarvy," Jinx began in a cheerful and bouncy tone, "You said about getting to know me on the Fields of Justice, and I totally agree! You're such a badass! You're so intense and sexy; I never even wanted a man before-"
Lux's eyebrows leapt up in shock, and she almost gasped. All sorts of rumors flew around the League, but there was no way to know if any of them were actually true.
"-So I promise to be your partner in crime, and to be your loose cannon whenever your hands are tied."
LeBlanc looked over to Swain. "Phase two," She whispered to him.
The minister cleared his throat, and spoke up. "As you two have shared your commitment to love and fellowship with each other in secret, by the power vested in me by the crown of Demacia, I now confirm your words in the presence of the congregation. That your vows may be made full and binding, bring forth the symbol of your oaths."
The cathedral doors slammed open again, and the sound of a minibike and heavy metal rattled the air. In rode Poppy, wearing a leather jacket and mirrored sunglasses, doing a wheelie as she zoomed down the aisle. She skidded to a stop parallel to Jinx and Jarvan, and set down the Hammer of Orlon with a loud thunk. She sniffed as she took a small box from her jacket and tossed it to Jarvan, then picked up the hammer and peeled off at full speed. The doors were barely opened in time.
"Was she crying...?" Irelia asked Lee Sin.
"Wouldn't be the most surprising thing to happen today," He answered.
"Now, with the symbol of your vows," The minister said graciously, "Jarvan Lightshield, fourth of your name, I bid thee to bind yourself to your betrothed." Jarvan took the ring that was more diamond than skillfully wrought gold, and slid it onto Jinx's finger. She moaned, and Jarvan raised an eyebrow. He removed the ring, and slid it on again, Jinx moaning once more. Jarvan caught on and slipped the ring on and off again, causing Jinx to utter a loud and pleased shriek. The game continued, Jinx growing louder and louder.
Jayce held his head in his hands. "This is like some Herbal Essence commercial..."
"Hmm. Actually, on a somewhat related note, i never knew that terrorist's hair could look so smooth," Noted Caitlyn.
Jinx was breathing heavily, her blush evident even beneath her veil. Smiling innocently, the minister turned to her. "Jinx of Zaun, with the symbol of your vows, I bid thee to bind yourself to your betrothed." Slowly licking her lips, she put Jarvan's ring onto his finger. Nodding, the minister beamed brightly. "Now that their oaths have been shared and their union made full and complete, I now call upon you, dearly beloved, to share your hearts before their covenant is sealed once and for all; and if you have any reason to stand against the union of these two free and consenting individuals, speak now, or forever hold your peace."
An eerie silence descended upon the cathedral. Someone farted, but judging by the fidgeting and shifting gazes, it could have been anyone. Just as the minister opened his mouth to speak, Shyvana shot up. "Jarvan, you can't do this...! This, this is just so unlike you." Shyvana gripped the pew, her hands crushing it. "She... may have moaned with from that ring, but my cloaca gets so moist and hot whenever you-"
Quinn had to fight her bile down hard, and even after doing so, she felt nauseous.
"-Because... I love you! She talked about learning through combat, but you need someone you've fought with, not against. Marry me, Jarvy...!"
After Shyvana fell silent and sat back down, King Jarvan stood. "Son, your mother and I have always trusted your judgement. I just want you to remember that honor of the Lightshield name, and the kingdom's future. Don't throw it all away." King Jarvan sat down angrily, his face unreadable stone.
"You won't have to worry about Demacia's future, King Lightshield," Said Caitlyn, as she rose. "You see, I've been tracking Jinx for years. She holds the world record for most outstanding warrants for arrest, but today is the day her crime spree finally comes to an end. Jinx, I am finally putting you under arrest and bringing you back to Piltover!"
"Sorry sweet cheeks, but I can't let you do that," Miss Fortune said. "You see, I have been after Jinx since pirates using hextech she designed wrecked half the port in Bilgewater a few months ago. Innocent people died that day. And I hate to break it to you, but since you work for the state, all you'll be getting out of this is a moral victory. I, on the other hand, would be collecting a bounty only Malcolm Graves' comes close to; I could live like a king and be set for life. If Jinx leaves here, it's going to be with me."
"I do not regret in the slightest to inform you that that won't be happening," Walking out from the shadows near a pillar was Camille, a cool and disdainful expression on her face. "The reason being that I have been contracted to eliminate that wad of gutter trash next to Prince Lightshield. I'm afraid your little spat will have been for nothing, ladies, as I have never- and will never- fail a commission."
Jinx smirked. "Anyone else have a contract out for my head?"
Sivir stood up. "I do." Turning to Jarvan, she said, "Now, I personally don't have anything against that pasty white psycho under the veil, Prince Lightshield, but I do have something she and the other women after her can't give you: a guarantee. Hand Jinx over to me, and my mercenaries will give your trade through Shurima safe passage."
As Sivir finished speaking, Azir stood up beside her. "Young prince, your father spoke of honor and legacy. I would ask you to consider Sivir's offer, and in addition, think of taking her to be your wife. She has experience in battle and a beauty that neither your bride or her pursuers can match-"
"What did you just say?!" Miss Fortune and Caitlyn shouted at the same time.
Continuing as if he hadn't been interrupted, Azir said, "And is also the heir to the returning Empire of Shurima-"
"Don't use me as a pawn in your schemes!" Sivir yelled. "I could have built a kingdom from the ground without you!"
The tension in the air was thick as another silence settled in. The minister cleared his throat again, but Lux sprung up. "Wait!" Garen sighed; he hadn't known his sister had feelings for Jarvan. "Jinx, don't do it! I- I love you!"
"Sister!" Garen hissed.
"You've talked about getting to know someone through conflict, and you're right. I've been able to see since the beginning that you're miles ahead of everyone else on the Fields of Justice. We've never spoken before, but, I can't help but feel that maybe in some alternate universe we were meant to be together, burning bright and lighting up the future!" Lux took a few breaths and went on. "And that dress you're wearing is so wrong for you- you should be wearing a flapper dress and a feathered bandanna instead of that boring and stuffy thing you have on now!"
The silence was filled by the rhythmic tapping of a cane on the floor. Everyone turned to look, and Swain was making his way up the aisle. "Jarvan Lightshield," Swain said slowly, "Allow me to make you an offer you can't refuse. You see, these women have talked about becoming familiar with an enemy by confronting them in battle- and in that regard, you know me very, very well. Marry me, instead. That little orphan from the desert talked of guarantees, but how about instead of trade through an area, I open up trade to one. Think of your legacy, dear prince. You could be the Lightshield that finally ended the conflict with Noxus-"
"Jericho Swain, no one here is buying that for even a second!" Turning to look, ripples of surprise spread through the room: the High Councilor of the Institute of War, Heywan Relivash, was standing and pointing at Swain. "You may be called the Master Tactician, but you can't actually want to marry Prince Jarvan- I have never, EVER seen a power grab so blatant! If by some dark miracle he agreed, you would destabilize the peace the Institute and the League bring in an instant!"
"Well, if I wasn't to his tastes, I could always provide as many exotic and succulent cocubines for him as he desired," Swain said nonchalantly.
"Screw it," Irelia said to herself. She stood and said, "Excuse me! Prince Lightshield? If we're talking about political alliances here, why not leave your bride and marry me? I am a warrior, just like you are, and have fought and bled for my country. I have no hidden motives here, and after seeing this circus I just want to say you deserve someone honest. Our nations could learn and give so much to each other. And, Ionia is a peaceful nation. We aren't your mercantile rival like Piltover, and we aren't out for your blood like Noxus is. Just think about my offer, Prince Lightshield." Irelia sat back down, blushing furiously, and King Jarvan swiftly rose.
"Son, I am strongly suggesting you consider the offer of irelia Leto. She is a worthy match for you in all regards, and-"
The cathedral doors blasted open, and Poppy came roaring in on her minibike. The yordle warrior screeched to a stop mere feet from Jarvan, and threw off her sunglasses. "I couldn't do it, Jarvy! I had to come back and tell you how I felt!" She huffed, catching her breath between sniffles.
"Definitely crying," Lee Sin noted to himself.
"I've loved you, like I didn't ever think a little old yordle like me could ever love a human. And friends who love each other don't let their friends ruin their lives by marrying the wrong person!" Poppy wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "So this is the last straw, Jarvy: if you marry Jinx, I'm going back to Bandle City- and I'm taking the hammer with me!"
"I'm with Poppy!" Quinn said, standing up. "Enough of these alliances- you should be marrying a person, not a kingdom, and I won't stand for you marrying Jinx!"
There was another commotion near the back, and Rammus came rolling up the aisle, kicking up a cloud of dust as he stopped next to Poppy. He looked up to Jinx and asked, "Okay?"
Jinx giggled, holding a hand over her mouth. "Well, that's very flattering, Mister Spikey, but-"
"Noxus needs strength!" Darius shouted. "Jinx, you might think Jarvan is a flawless warrior, but I can tell you exactly how effective he is in combat. I could give you all the freedom you need to invent- just think of all the hextech you could craft with Noxus behind you! And you can believe this offer. I know you know what Noxus offers to science-"
"That is the first time I've ever heard you say the word science," Swain remarked. "Do you even have feelings for Jinx?"
"No, but at this point I figured why not take a shot?"
One of Zaun's Chem Barons stood, smoothing out his suit. "Jinx, I highly recommend considering Darius' offer. I would even be willing to provide safehouses for the both of you back in Zaun, should you accept, and perhaps I may even negotiate with Swain on those old trade agreements he's been pestering us about."
Not missing a beat, Swain said, "Jinx, I very highly recommend taking Darius up on his offer."
"Don't listen to those scheming Noxian snakes, Prince Jarvan!" Interrupted Sejuani. "You are a warrior prince, and the future leader of a proud country that has no room for cowards like them! Marry me, and come with me to the Freljord. Your strength will be respected there, and we could rule uncontested by petty crime lords like them!"
"Respecting strength?" Riven asked angrily, standing up in her pew and glaring at Sejuani and Darius. "I'll tell you what strength at any cost leads to, Jarvan: losing control of your anger becoming a slave to revenge! You'll chase down those who hurt you, even if it hurts the ones you love, because it'll be all you know how to do!" Riven glared around the room again before making her way to the aisle, standing beside Poppy and Rammus. "Today, I am done with Noxus, and am formally changing my allegiance!" Riven knelt down, and stared fiercely into Jarvan's eyes. "P-Prince Jarvan, if you'll have me, I would gladly-" Riven swallowed, now beginning to blush. "I mean to say, I... may not be compatible with you as your spouse, but I will pledge my sword to your service."
Jarvan nodded. "Rise, knight of Demacia."
Deciding to take a big gamble, Azir raised his voice and spoke, "Prince Lightshield, earlier your comrade spoke of not marrying a nation. And, though I sorely long to see the expedited recovery of my empire, if you would marry Sivir you would most certainly be marrying a strong individual. I would lend my aid in her offer of safe trading, and military support if you so desired, but otherwise not interfere if you chose to marry her."
"ENOUGH!" Demanded King Jarvan, causing quiet to fall on the cathedral. "Son, as your father, king, and commander in chief, I am ordering you to hand over Jinx to one of the women seeking to bring her into custody, and marry Irelia Leto."
Quickly, Azir added, "If you deliver her to my heir Sivir, I will still honor the offer I made a moment ago."
"And if you marry Miss Leto, you have my solemn vow I will cut off your trade routes to Ionia," Swain said coldly.
"If you cut off trade to Ionia-" Irelia and Riven said at the same time. Irelia glanced over at her, then with a blazing fire in her eyes, turned to Swain- "Then I will sever your trade routes to your precious Zaun lapdogs."
"And if you should do that," Warned another of Zaun's Chem Barons, "We will block off Ionia's very few shipping lanes to Piltover-"
"Over my dead body!" Caitlyn roared. "If you break the trade treaties one more time, I will bring every-"
"Guards! Take away the minister and escort my son out of the building!" King Jarvan interjected. An armed royal guard stepped up to haul the minister away, only to flinch back in shock- LeBlanc had snapped her fingers, releasing the illusion spell and revealing that Swain had been the minister all along. Beatrice disabled the guard, and Jarvan knocked away the ones coming for him with the flat of his lance. Jinx let a capsule fall from her sleeve, and bit the cap off of it. In a puff of smoke her trusty gun Pow-Pow appeared, and she shot out the chain holding up the chandelier above her, and the cathedral descended into chaos. Swain leapt out of the way, and at the last second Riven saw and scooped up a man who had been hidden on top of the chandelier.
Jarvan removed the gag Jinx had placed in the true minister's mouth. "I think there's just one thing left for you to do, sir."
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!" He squeaked before dashing away.
Jinx ripped off her veil and wrapped her arms around Jarvan's neck, and gazed deep into his eyes. "Scrub my tonsils clean, Jarvy." The Lightshield prince obliged her, and after the kiss was done, leaned up.
"Hit the pipes, Sona!" Sona went into a reprise of the wedding march, Jinx laughing wildly as Rammus and Poppy and Riven cleared the way down the aisle...
THE END