I felt like writing and this is what happened.
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set after 'Surrender Benson'
Olivia POV.

lyrics: broken - lifehouse

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning

.

Blinking hurts

Breathing hurts

Crying hurts

Moving any part of my body results in complete and utter agony.

I'm stuck lying on this hard, unforgiving hospital bed, thankfully placed in a side room for privacy 'due to the nature of my assault'. I cringed when I overheard the doctor tell the nurses to be careful with me. I'm not a piece of precious fucking china. I am a grown human being who has seen more in my life than half of the people in this building combined.

They took my clothes as soon as I got here, carefully cutting them from my bruised and burned body, placing them in individual bags as evidence, something I've seen happen to other women far too many times. I kicked out a few times when the older nurse tried to grab the ends of my pants. She touched my leg gently, telling me everything was going to be okay, I was safe here and no one would harm me.

"I am not a victim." I told her harshly, I remember the words spewing like bile from my mouth and then it hit me, hard, like a train wreck.

I am a victim.

I am a victim of one of the worst crimes possible.

I have yet to receive a rape kit. The doctor came in to ask me what happened, I explained as best I could from what I could remember, which in turn resulted in not very much. I remember the tone of voice he used, the soft, careful, apologetic tone asking if he thought I might need a rape kit. I remember shaking, my body betraying my cold exterior when I realised I couldn't answer the simple question 'Were you raped?'

I honestly have no idea.

I was passed out for a while, maybe he did something then? I thought if it happened I would feel it you know, down there, surely I would feel something but my whole body ached. My broken wrist, the skin all broken and torn from the cruel, metallic hand cuffs that were clipped far too tight. The burn marks through the middle of my chest, red, angry cigarette marks that would probably stay with me for life. My legs, tied together for so long that when they were finally cut free, felt numb and useless as I stumbled towards him, metal pole in my hand prepared for a fight. My head is pounding, despite the painkillers. He hit me so hard with the end of my own gun that it knocked me out. I woke up in a car. How long was I out? What happened while I was? My heart hurt, it pounded ferociously in my chest, hammering against my cracked ribs. I was now a victim of sexual assault, perhaps rape. I'm not entirely sure.

I remember sitting in the back of the ambulance, Nick and Fin both on the phone to my guess was Cragen and Rollins, informing them that they had me; I was safe, finally after four days. I sat, wrapped in a blanket as the paramedic gently strapped up my 'possibly' turns out most definitely broken wrist.

I hated that they were there. They saw me like this, battered and broken, the complete opposite from my usual self. I didn't want anyone seeing my like this.

Ever.

I watched as the nurses passed my room, I can see out through the cut blinds, they walk past; casually glancing in, look at me with sorrow in their eyes. I don't want their damn sympathy. My body aches once more as I jump when the little knock at the door tears me from my thoughts. Cragen, my captain, my father figure of so many years pops his head in, his eyes glassed over, unsure of what he was going to find when he first looked at me. I nod for him to come in and apologise for the current state of me, I gave him a slight chuckle, hoping he won't go into the 'I'm sorry' soliloquy that Nick and Fin have already both tried to give me.

"I'd ask how you're holding up but I sense that you're not really in the mood for talking." He smiles, I appreciate him trying to keep things as normal as possible.

"I'm alive." I joke, my jaw throbbing when I try to give him a slight smile, hoping to keep the mood light. I am not in the mood for having a breakdown in front of my boss.

The silence between us is filled with apology and regret. I hate it.

"Munch is driving Brian in just now." Cragen tells me, I turn away slightly, gazing out the window at overcloud of the late afternoon hoping he can't see my heart pounding in my throat. "He's never stopped. He's practically worn holes in the squad room floor." He smiles at me "Munch didn't want him driving, he eh…he's a bit panicky I think. He was worried sick about you, never slept since we realised you were missing, kept threatening us if we didn't let him help."

I winced, wiping the tears from my face. "I don't want to see him." I whisper, still staring out the window.

"Olivia…"

"Please don't let him in here." My voice is so quiet I can't tell if I said it out loud or just in my head.

"He loves you, you know."

My heart hurts enough, can you please just shut up. I wanted to shout at him so bad. Tell him to leave, but I couldn't, I felt voiceless.

"He said it himself, no one thought you guys would last, even he didn't for a time, he thought you'd have up and left him already but after all of this, he can't imagine his life without you." Cragen stood at the end of the bed, his hands deep in his pockets. "I can stop him coming in Liv, but I can't stop him from loving you."

I fully turned away from him, as far as my cracked ribs would let me. As soon as the door closed I broke, tears flowing from my eyes and sobs racking my tender frame. I feel my heart aching for Brian, for myself, for this horrifying situation we've found ourselves in and the uncertainty of the outcome, what if this broke both of us? What if this ruined me to the point where I couldn't be with him anymore, I couldn't love him or plan a future with him, what if this was the end for me and for us? I finally had my life somewhat on track and this happens, look at me. I'm a mess. A broken, burned, torn up mess.

I hear the commotion outside, I hear Brian's voice, he wants to see me and I know he does, I can't make out his exact words but I can hear the desperation in his voice as he begs Cragen and the doctor to let him in my room.

After a while, the door opens once more, the doctor once again coming to check up on me.

"Olivia, you know that the quicker you get a rape kit the more evidence we will have."

I just nod at him, I don't want one. I don't want to know if I was raped, if I was violated in the worst way possible. But I know I need to do this, how many victims have I told that same sentence to? What kind of a hypocrite would I be if I didn't do the same thing?

Moments later I see the nurse walk in with the camera, the bags, the instruments that I, myself have seen used so many times in my life, I never once expected to be on the receiving end of it.

.

The nurses shift must have changed, a young blonde walks in to the room, introducing herself, telling me that she is the nurse on call and if I needed anything all I had to do was ask. She was polite, young; my guess was she just started here.

"Your husband is outside, he's been here a while." She explains; I roll my eyes, not bothering to correct her about the 'husband' mistake.

"Could you tell him I'm fine? He should go home and rest." I ask her, he shouldn't have to see me like this. I don't want him to see me like this.

"I already did. He says he ain't moving." She tells me with a smile.

I just nod and tell her to let him in. My heart tightens; I can feel it about to explode.

I hear the gentle mumble of her voice talking to Brian, I have no idea what she's saying, maybe she's preparing him for the hideous state he's about to encounter.

The door pushes open and he careful steps in, his body awkwardly shuffling around as he pushes the door closed, his back is turned away from me, his shoulders slumped, he has one hand up at his face from what I can see.

He's broken.

"Bri…" my voice is strong as I call to him. I all of a sudden need him to look at me. He has to face this with me, we can't give up now, we've already been through so much.

I see him nod, his body still turned from me.

"Come here" I whisper

He turns slightly, his eyes filled with tears, the gold badges of his uniform shining under the yellow glow from the lamp in the corner of the room. I watch him gingerly step closer to me, his hands in his pockets. He smiles as he pulls the plastic chair closer to the edge of the bed.

"I'm okay" I tell him, he just nods, I lift my injured arm, currently wrapped in a plastic cast to his face, gently using my fingers to wipe away his tears.

He cautiously touches the tips of my fingers, kissing them softly before apologising.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." I tell him, my voice still quiet in the dead of night.

"I should've come sooner, I should've…"

"You couldn't have known." I tell him, interrupting his apology, I don't need it and he needs to know that this wasn't his fault. "Please don't do this. I don't need the sympathy and I don't need you feeling guilty. It's no one's fault."

He just nods; I can practically see his heart breaking in front of me. He carefully goes to place his arm on my legs but quickly pulls back, afraid of hurting me.

"It's okay." I pull his arm over my legs, his hand gently touching my thigh just above my knee, gripping it slightly as he kisses my leg through the scratchy hospital blankets.

"You should sleep." He tells me as he kisses me leg again; I smile at the adorableness of the moment, ignoring the stabbing feeling in my jaw.

My broken hand reaches into his hair, softly running my fingers through it and down the back of his neck; his head falls to the bed beside my leg. "So should you." I tell him, trying to comfort him as best I can. He's given me some of my strength back already. My heart warms at the fact that he hasn't freaked out and thought of some excuse to leave as I thought he would.

"I love you Olivia." He says. He turns his head on the mattress and gazes up at me. "I love you so damned much and I'm not going anywhere." He takes a hold of my non broken hand that rested on my leg next to his, his fingers gently running over mine "You will get through this and I promise I'll be here through it all. You will not be alone, I will help you as best I can. You are strong enough to get through this babe, it'll take time and it'll be hard but you will make it, I promise you."

His comforting words cover me with a warmth that I've never felt and I'm glad he's here, he just blew one of my biggest fears out of the water, he isn't leaving me. He will stick with me through this. I feel my body betray me slightly as I try and not tense at the feel of his hands on me. This is Brian; he's not going to hurt me. He is not going to hurt me and he won't leave me. He loves you Olivia, I tell myself over and over again, Brian loves you.

It's the first time he's said those three words to me, to anyone other than his family as he tells me later on. They hold so much meaning at a time like this and in this moment it's the greatest sound I've ever heard and my heart stops aching for a moment and swells with a joy one would never usually find in a situation like this as I realise I am not alone.

"I love you too."

one shot.
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