Title: The Mai Tais
Author: Aileen
Author email: teenyaileeny@msn.com
Category: humor
Keywords: Draco Malfoy, humor
Spoilers: none
Rating: PG-13 for language and not-so-subtle innuendo
Summary: One thing was for sure…it was all the Mai Tais' fault!
Disclaimer: The song "I May Be A Tiny Chimney Sweep, But I've Got an Enormous Broom" was taken from one of Cassandra Claire's fics. I don't know the original owner of it, sorry. The Mai Tais with the green umbrellas, once again, are property of Cassandra Claire. There is also a quote referring to the famous "Sherlock Holmes" series by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
A/N: This was a response to a challenge, in which I had to start a fic with the following sentence:
"Hermione had never been so certain of the correctness of her decision to quit Divination as she was on the day when Professor Trelawney came down to breakfast clad only in a pink bikini, sarong, and sandals." (However, I must have been drunk as well while writing my response; I somehow twisted "breakfast" into "dinner", so bear with me on that one).
Somewhere in the fic, two of the following three sentences had to be inserted as well:
The password had been changed again, of course. And he had forgotten it.
Feeling Weasley's soft curves beneath him, Draco tumbled onto the bed.
No one knew where he came from, and no one was prepared to ask. All Harry knew was that he had to get away, had to run, had to flee. It was the same nightmare, but it had changed this time. It was more real. He eventually found his way to a secluded and shadowy corridor, praying that he'd lost him. But nothing could compare to the gut-wrenching terror when he heard the footsteps behind him.
"Come back to bed, Harry," said Draco. "We were just getting to the good part."
Here is my response.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Witch Weekly
Volume 183, No. 2
Week of March 10, 2002
Hello and welcome to another wonderful, superfantabulous issue of the great, the only, the fantastic Witch Weekly! *loud giggles* I am Rita Screeeeecher *more loud giggles* at your service! This week's winner of the HSIG Contest is ME! Yes, yes, yes, I decided that MY story was the best, so I decided that I would win! *downs another Mai Tai, more giggling* So here is the winning story! *editor appears angrily, loud shouting is heard: "Whaddya mean, I'm fired? I'm not drunk!" more loud giggles are heard, and the editor storms off in a huff*
The Mai Tais
By Rita Screecher
Hermione had never been so certain of the correctness of her decision to quit Divination as she was on the day when Professor Trelawney came down to dinner clad only in a pink bikini, sarong, and sandals.
"Let's party down, people!" Trelawney trilled. She waved her wand and the entire Great Hall was instantly filled with Hawaiian leis. Palm trees sprouted in odd, random places, and Mai Tais with green umbrellas popped in place of the tumblers of pumpkin juice. Swing dance music began to boom from Mrs. Norris. Filch's eyes bugged out, and Mrs. Norris looked frankly quite uncomfortable with music pouring out of her ears, nose, mouth, and – other, erm, body openings. Trelawney grabbed Snape and began twirling him around the Great Hall. Snape, for the first time in his life, looked absolutely terrified.
The students and professors stared at the grinning, whirling Trelawney. The only one who had recovered from the initial shock by now was Draco Malfoy. …Actually, it was less of a recovery and more of a "What the hell, who cares what Trelawney's doing – Mai Tais!" By the time Mrs. Norris collapsed (which caused great shrieking on Filch's part) and the music grinded to a halt, Draco had downed eight Mai Tais and was now sticking green umbrellas in his hair and nearby Slytherins. The second the music stopped, Trelawney promptly fainted, and fell heavily onto Snape, who let out a strangled "Eep!" as she fell onto him.
The entire Hall was dead silent, save for Draco, who by now was completely drunk, and was singing "I may be a tiny chimney sweep with a tiny grimy face…" at the top of his lungs.
***
The password had been changed again, of course. And he had forgotten it. But then, it's not like he had anything to forget – Draco was tottering in front of the Gryffindor common room.
"Pureblood!" he yelled drunkenly for the third time in a row. The Fat Lady sniffed in disgust.
"You've been drinking, haven't you?" she said, scrunching up her nose. When she received no response, she continued, "It's midnight, for goodness sake! Everyone went to bed hours ago! Where have you been?" Draco said nothing.
"Password," the Fat Lady repeated. Draco belched.
"Oh, you're so drunk you probably don't even remember your own name," the Fat Lady sighed, taking pity on Draco. "But just this once."
The portrait door swung open. Draco, who hadn't heard a word she said, stepped forward triumphantly, thinking to himself in half puzzlement, When did we change the password to a belch?…
Unfortunately, he wasn't used to having to step up to get into the common room. He tripped over the low wall and fell face first onto the floor of the room, his legs flailing about in the corridor. Assuming he had tripped over a stack of textbooks someone had left in the doorway, he picked himself up and stumbled towards the stairs, swearing colorfully when he walked straight into a squashy purple armchair.
"Where did that come from?" he mumbled. He fumbled his way around the unfamiliar room, finally finding the stairs.
"There you are," he said, giggling. "Trying to hide from me, aren't you? You flirt, you!" (A/N: Yes, he's talking to the stairs.) Following his instincts and years of stumbling upstairs to his dorm with giggling girls in his arms, sometimes even blindfolded (Those girls sure are wild, Draco thought), he walked purposefully up the stairs towards where he *thought* his dorm was.
He got to the door and pushed on it impatiently. The door, which hadn't been closed completely, gave way immediately and unexpectedly, and Draco once again fell flat on his face. Thankfully, no one woke up. Draco got up slowly, rubbing his hip in pain. He tried to be quiet. Crabbe and Goyle could be nasty when they were woken up. Crabbe and Goyle…Draco cocked his head suddenly, his mind temporarily breaking through the haziness that the alcohol in the Mai Tais had caused. Where were their loud snores? Many a night he was woken up by them, thinking that the castle was collapsing. The room was nearly silent, except for a faint, nearly unnoticeable light snoring. His brain clouded over again, and he decided that he really didn't care. He staggered over to his bed, and pushed back the hangings.
Feeling Weasley's soft curves beneath him, Draco tumbled onto the bed.
…Weasley's soft curves?…
Draco leaped up like a scalded cat, breathing hard. He looked down at the bed in horror. His mind was pushing past the cloudiness.
"Weasley!" Draco yelled. "What the hell are you doing in my bed?"
Ron woke up, saw Draco standing over his bed, his face red (which looked quite peculiar against his light blonde hair), and promptly screamed, which of course woke up everyone else in the dorm.
"What's wrong?" Harry yelled, his hangings moving frantically. "Is someone attacking you?" He finally found the part on his curtains, and upon seeing Draco standing over Ron's bed, screamed as well. By this time, Neville, Dean, and Seamus were fully awake and craning their necks to see what the matter was.
Draco, who looked like a deer in headlights, stared at everyone in shock.
"Malfoy?" Seamus said incredulously. Dean snickered.
"I told you he had a thing for Weasley," he said smugly.
"I do not have a thing for Weasley!" Draco yelled in a panic. He had finally deduced that he was not in the right dorm room. (A/N: Brilliant, Holmes.)
"Then why were you in my bed?" Ron demanded. Everyone either gasped, began laughing hysterically, making faces and noises of disgust, or a combination of the three. Draco, now completely humiliated and extremely confused, ran out of the dorm.
***
Over the next few days, Trelawney was nowhere to be seen. Everyone in the castle was overjoyed by this news; the students because they were informed that due to the suddenness of her disappearance, they wouldn't be able to find a replacement, and would be given free periods during their scheduled Divination class, and the professors because they wouldn't have to put up with her constant predictions of failed love lives and sudden horrific deaths. Snape had suffered mild injuries on various body parts (A/N: stop sniggering!) from Trelawney falling on him, and was in a foul mood, taking points off from all houses, even Slytherin, usually for no reason at all. For example, Hermione had lost 10 points for Gryffindor merely for entering the dungeons. Mrs. Norris had hovered between life and death in the hospital wing the night before from the exhaustion of being a living record player. To the delight and relief of Filch and the disgust of everyone else, Mrs. Norris survived, and was still as surly and awful as ever. It was rumored that Trelawney was being charged for cruelty towards animals, which explained her disappearance. And Draco was in complete disgrace. The five roommates had spread the tale of Draco climbing into bed with Weasley to the entire school the very next day, and the Slytherins nearly disowned him. But that was nothing compared to the reaction of Lucius Malfoy…
Author: Aileen
Author email: teenyaileeny@msn.com
Category: humor
Keywords: Draco Malfoy, humor
Spoilers: none
Rating: PG-13 for language and not-so-subtle innuendo
Summary: One thing was for sure…it was all the Mai Tais' fault!
Disclaimer: The song "I May Be A Tiny Chimney Sweep, But I've Got an Enormous Broom" was taken from one of Cassandra Claire's fics. I don't know the original owner of it, sorry. The Mai Tais with the green umbrellas, once again, are property of Cassandra Claire. There is also a quote referring to the famous "Sherlock Holmes" series by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
A/N: This was a response to a challenge, in which I had to start a fic with the following sentence:
"Hermione had never been so certain of the correctness of her decision to quit Divination as she was on the day when Professor Trelawney came down to breakfast clad only in a pink bikini, sarong, and sandals." (However, I must have been drunk as well while writing my response; I somehow twisted "breakfast" into "dinner", so bear with me on that one).
Somewhere in the fic, two of the following three sentences had to be inserted as well:
The password had been changed again, of course. And he had forgotten it.
Feeling Weasley's soft curves beneath him, Draco tumbled onto the bed.
No one knew where he came from, and no one was prepared to ask. All Harry knew was that he had to get away, had to run, had to flee. It was the same nightmare, but it had changed this time. It was more real. He eventually found his way to a secluded and shadowy corridor, praying that he'd lost him. But nothing could compare to the gut-wrenching terror when he heard the footsteps behind him.
"Come back to bed, Harry," said Draco. "We were just getting to the good part."
Here is my response.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Witch Weekly
Volume 183, No. 2
Week of March 10, 2002
Hello and welcome to another wonderful, superfantabulous issue of the great, the only, the fantastic Witch Weekly! *loud giggles* I am Rita Screeeeecher *more loud giggles* at your service! This week's winner of the HSIG Contest is ME! Yes, yes, yes, I decided that MY story was the best, so I decided that I would win! *downs another Mai Tai, more giggling* So here is the winning story! *editor appears angrily, loud shouting is heard: "Whaddya mean, I'm fired? I'm not drunk!" more loud giggles are heard, and the editor storms off in a huff*
The Mai Tais
By Rita Screecher
Hermione had never been so certain of the correctness of her decision to quit Divination as she was on the day when Professor Trelawney came down to dinner clad only in a pink bikini, sarong, and sandals.
"Let's party down, people!" Trelawney trilled. She waved her wand and the entire Great Hall was instantly filled with Hawaiian leis. Palm trees sprouted in odd, random places, and Mai Tais with green umbrellas popped in place of the tumblers of pumpkin juice. Swing dance music began to boom from Mrs. Norris. Filch's eyes bugged out, and Mrs. Norris looked frankly quite uncomfortable with music pouring out of her ears, nose, mouth, and – other, erm, body openings. Trelawney grabbed Snape and began twirling him around the Great Hall. Snape, for the first time in his life, looked absolutely terrified.
The students and professors stared at the grinning, whirling Trelawney. The only one who had recovered from the initial shock by now was Draco Malfoy. …Actually, it was less of a recovery and more of a "What the hell, who cares what Trelawney's doing – Mai Tais!" By the time Mrs. Norris collapsed (which caused great shrieking on Filch's part) and the music grinded to a halt, Draco had downed eight Mai Tais and was now sticking green umbrellas in his hair and nearby Slytherins. The second the music stopped, Trelawney promptly fainted, and fell heavily onto Snape, who let out a strangled "Eep!" as she fell onto him.
The entire Hall was dead silent, save for Draco, who by now was completely drunk, and was singing "I may be a tiny chimney sweep with a tiny grimy face…" at the top of his lungs.
***
The password had been changed again, of course. And he had forgotten it. But then, it's not like he had anything to forget – Draco was tottering in front of the Gryffindor common room.
"Pureblood!" he yelled drunkenly for the third time in a row. The Fat Lady sniffed in disgust.
"You've been drinking, haven't you?" she said, scrunching up her nose. When she received no response, she continued, "It's midnight, for goodness sake! Everyone went to bed hours ago! Where have you been?" Draco said nothing.
"Password," the Fat Lady repeated. Draco belched.
"Oh, you're so drunk you probably don't even remember your own name," the Fat Lady sighed, taking pity on Draco. "But just this once."
The portrait door swung open. Draco, who hadn't heard a word she said, stepped forward triumphantly, thinking to himself in half puzzlement, When did we change the password to a belch?…
Unfortunately, he wasn't used to having to step up to get into the common room. He tripped over the low wall and fell face first onto the floor of the room, his legs flailing about in the corridor. Assuming he had tripped over a stack of textbooks someone had left in the doorway, he picked himself up and stumbled towards the stairs, swearing colorfully when he walked straight into a squashy purple armchair.
"Where did that come from?" he mumbled. He fumbled his way around the unfamiliar room, finally finding the stairs.
"There you are," he said, giggling. "Trying to hide from me, aren't you? You flirt, you!" (A/N: Yes, he's talking to the stairs.) Following his instincts and years of stumbling upstairs to his dorm with giggling girls in his arms, sometimes even blindfolded (Those girls sure are wild, Draco thought), he walked purposefully up the stairs towards where he *thought* his dorm was.
He got to the door and pushed on it impatiently. The door, which hadn't been closed completely, gave way immediately and unexpectedly, and Draco once again fell flat on his face. Thankfully, no one woke up. Draco got up slowly, rubbing his hip in pain. He tried to be quiet. Crabbe and Goyle could be nasty when they were woken up. Crabbe and Goyle…Draco cocked his head suddenly, his mind temporarily breaking through the haziness that the alcohol in the Mai Tais had caused. Where were their loud snores? Many a night he was woken up by them, thinking that the castle was collapsing. The room was nearly silent, except for a faint, nearly unnoticeable light snoring. His brain clouded over again, and he decided that he really didn't care. He staggered over to his bed, and pushed back the hangings.
Feeling Weasley's soft curves beneath him, Draco tumbled onto the bed.
…Weasley's soft curves?…
Draco leaped up like a scalded cat, breathing hard. He looked down at the bed in horror. His mind was pushing past the cloudiness.
"Weasley!" Draco yelled. "What the hell are you doing in my bed?"
Ron woke up, saw Draco standing over his bed, his face red (which looked quite peculiar against his light blonde hair), and promptly screamed, which of course woke up everyone else in the dorm.
"What's wrong?" Harry yelled, his hangings moving frantically. "Is someone attacking you?" He finally found the part on his curtains, and upon seeing Draco standing over Ron's bed, screamed as well. By this time, Neville, Dean, and Seamus were fully awake and craning their necks to see what the matter was.
Draco, who looked like a deer in headlights, stared at everyone in shock.
"Malfoy?" Seamus said incredulously. Dean snickered.
"I told you he had a thing for Weasley," he said smugly.
"I do not have a thing for Weasley!" Draco yelled in a panic. He had finally deduced that he was not in the right dorm room. (A/N: Brilliant, Holmes.)
"Then why were you in my bed?" Ron demanded. Everyone either gasped, began laughing hysterically, making faces and noises of disgust, or a combination of the three. Draco, now completely humiliated and extremely confused, ran out of the dorm.
***
Over the next few days, Trelawney was nowhere to be seen. Everyone in the castle was overjoyed by this news; the students because they were informed that due to the suddenness of her disappearance, they wouldn't be able to find a replacement, and would be given free periods during their scheduled Divination class, and the professors because they wouldn't have to put up with her constant predictions of failed love lives and sudden horrific deaths. Snape had suffered mild injuries on various body parts (A/N: stop sniggering!) from Trelawney falling on him, and was in a foul mood, taking points off from all houses, even Slytherin, usually for no reason at all. For example, Hermione had lost 10 points for Gryffindor merely for entering the dungeons. Mrs. Norris had hovered between life and death in the hospital wing the night before from the exhaustion of being a living record player. To the delight and relief of Filch and the disgust of everyone else, Mrs. Norris survived, and was still as surly and awful as ever. It was rumored that Trelawney was being charged for cruelty towards animals, which explained her disappearance. And Draco was in complete disgrace. The five roommates had spread the tale of Draco climbing into bed with Weasley to the entire school the very next day, and the Slytherins nearly disowned him. But that was nothing compared to the reaction of Lucius Malfoy…