The day I first saw him, I had a huge fight with my father. We were arguing over something stupid. I've forgotten now. Maybe he thought I was lazy or rebellious or something. I didn't get along with my dad at all back then.
Anyway, I stormed out without giving a moment's thought to the stranger by the fencepost, watching. But I met him at the bar that night. He had brought me a very-berry. I don't know how he knew, but those were my absolute favorites.
I asked him many questions that night. He answered few. I was to learn later he was really more of a listener than a talker. Which was good for me. I needed someone to talk to.
His name was Jack, and he took over that old farm down the road. He said his grandpa used to run it. Good luck to him, I thought. That place was a dump and had been for years.
As he left that night, an irony struck me. Here I was, wanting desperately to move to the city, and there he was, desperately wanting to run a farm. We had each given up what the other wanted so badly.
The next day, he found me down by the beach. He brought me another berry, and he sat beside me as I ate it. I told him of life on a vineyard, of my dream of the city. He told me of his dream to restore the farm to what it once was: busy, productive, and thriving. I didn't tell him our vineyard was failing. I had just met him, after all. He went away soon after.
He was odd, that Jack, but for some reason I liked him. He made me wonder if I could ever be happy on a farm. Boys do strange things to the mind.
That night, when I got back, Kai was sitting on the doorstep.
"I was waiting for you," he said in his southern accent. "You said you'd teach me to play cards tonight." Immediately, I felt awful. I liked Kai, I really did. Sometimes he was the only reason I didn't run away screaming.
"I'm sorry, Kai," I said. "I'll teach you tomorrow. I promise."
"You have to work tomorrow night," he reminded me. He knew my schedule better than I did.
"Then the next night," I said. He nodded in agreement. Poor Kai, he had such a bad crush on me. Such a sweetheart.
I didn't see Jack the next day, but I ran into him the day after that in the forest. He was chopping wood with intense concentration. He was rather sweaty, which made him very physically attractive.
"Hey," I said as I came up next to him. "How's the farm?"
"The turnips are good. I can see the green now. Once I get some more money from them, I'll buy a chicken or two." He went back to chopping wood. I let the silence between us build. I like the silence sometimes.
"You know," I said some time later, "You can sell the herbs around here."
That caught his attention. "Really?"
"Sure. They don't sell for much, but if you can get a bunch of them, that's two or three hundred gold easily."
"Thanks," he said, smiling in acknowledgment. Instead of going back to work, he went over to the bush and plucked me a berry. I ate it; it was raw and fresh and perfect. Then I noticed the time. I ran all the way to work.
I saw Jack twice again that week, once on the beach, and once in the woods. And every night at the bar. So, Saturday, I decided to bring him something. I'm not much of a cook, like Ellie is, but I can make some decent spring rolls.
When I got to his farm, I could see him harvesting the turnips.
"Hey, anybody home?" I called out. He came over and we ate the spring rolls together. He smiled and said thank you. As I glanced at his eyes a weird feeling came over me.
"Glad you like them," I said hurriedly as I packed the leftovers up. As I walked home, I wondered just what I was doing. I already had Kai and Ann; they were going to be hard enough to say goodbye to when I left. I certainly didn't need another friend, much less a boyfriend.
That spring at the Flower Festival, he danced with me. If there's one thing I will say for myself, it is this: I am an excellent dancer. I kind of felt bad for Kai, who I had said I would dance with, but he talked Ann into dancing, so it was okay. Out there, on the blue-gray stone of the village square, we danced and danced and danced.
As my father and I walked home, he started mumbling to himself. I knew what was coming.
"Karen," he said gruffly, "you mustn't show off as much." I rolled my eyes, biting a smart remark back.
"The thing is, if you want to attract a husband-"
I cut him off: "What am I going to need a husband for?"
He sighed, as if I were some silly little girl. "We expect you to continue the family business," he said. We walked in the door to our house.
"Well, I refuse!" I said. "I'm going to the city, and I'm going to become a dancer!" I ran up the stairs to my room and slammed the door. On the way up, I ran past my mother. The look in her eyes was enough to break my heart. I wish she had danced that afternoon. She used to be a professional dancer. Sometimes I wish I wasn't as opinionated and hurtful, but only because I know it causes her pain to see my father and me fight.
Spring turned into summer, and the first of the month was the fireworks festival. I went down to the beach as usual; the fireworks' reflections in the water are stunning.
But that year, I had an empty pit in my stomach. I suddenly wanted to be with someone, anyone at all. I needed to be reminded that I wasn't completely alone in the world.
And that's when Jack came. My heart leapt at the sight of him. I know it sounds stupid, but that's really how I felt.
He said he was looking for me. I didn't know what to say to that, so we just sat and watched the fireworks, feeling the sand, smelling the salty ocean breeze, and gazing at the splatters of color in the water.
The rest of the summer was spent between the bar, Ann, Kai, and Jack. He couldn't bring me any berries, but he did bring me a flower on occasion.
Kai won the swimming contest, and I couldn't help bursting out laughing when I saw his embarrassment at me giving him a peck on the cheek.
Despite my friends, things with my father got worse, if it was possible. One night I heard my father and my mother talking. Our grapes were getting small and sour, and profits were dismally low.
I climbed out of my bedroom window, and raced away from my house with tears in my eyes. I loved that vineyard, I really did. I ran and ran and ran until I found myself on top of Moon Mountain. There the tears came; I sobbed into my arms. Somehow I expected Jack to show up, but he never did.
I thought about many things that night. About the vineyard, and how incredibly trapped I felt. I dreamed of the city, and knew I needed to work more at the bar if I was to ever afford my escape.
I imagined their faces when they would know I was finally gone. The mayor, Ellie, Potpourri, the priest, Ann, Kai, even, especially, my father. Then I remembered Jack. What would he think? He talked to me every day he could find me. Didn't that mean something?
You idiot! I chided myself. Why would anybody like you?
I snuck back into my room around dawn. Kai was dozing on my bed. Confused, I shook him awake.
"Karen!" he said with a start. "Where were you? I saw you go out, but I didn't see you come back, and I didn't want you to get in trouble, but I was worried!"
"You don't need to be worried about me," I told him crossly. "Now hurry and go before my father wakes up."
He was about to go when I remembered something. "Wait," I said. He turned around in the doorway. "Thank you." He smiled and walked out.
By the time fall rolled around, I seriously liked Jack. Maybe I even loved him. He always worked so hard: crops, chickens, and he was saving for a cow. He was the nicest person, too. He was friendly to everyone, remembering what they liked and what was going on in their life. I found myself daydreaming all the time. About us running the vineyard together. About what a child of ours would look like. About the touch of his lips on mine…
But he didn't feel that way about me. He viewed me as a friend and nothing more.
Instead, he was falling for Ann. I could see why. She had everything he liked about me: openness, independence, and confidence, but with one difference. She was happy.
One lonely winter day, he came to see me.
"Karen," he said, smiling the smile that made my heart melt. Act normal I told myself.
"Yea?"
"I think I'm in love." My heart raced hopefully. But my practical mind quieted it.
"With Ann," he finished. "She's wonderful, Karen, isn't she?"
I managed to nod.
"So kind, and friendly, and passionate. You know, she came to me yesterday to show me this rare rabbit. It was so cool." I smiled. He gushed on a bit more.
At last, I managed to say, "Wow. Congratulations. I hope you'll be happy together.
"Then you think she feels the same way about me?" He looked so hopeful, like a little boy waiting for a cookie or a snowfall. I suddenly felt a bizarre sense of power. I could stop this romance with one word. I could tell him that Ann didn't like him that way, and that she wanted to be left alone. He would believe me. He was trusting and, after all, I was her best friend.
But I didn't. I loved them both too much. So, instead, I said, "Of course she feels the same way about you." And she did.
Just the other night she came to be at the bar. She sat on the stool while I washed the counter, and she asked me what I thought of Jack. After a while, she confessed that she loved him.
He hugged me and then raced off. I didn't know what for.
As I turned around, I saw Kai standing a little ways away. He looked so sad, probably feeling bad for me. I frowned at him; he was getting too close. No one should know what I was thinking.
A few days later, Ann came running up to me. Her cheeks were flushed from running, and her eyes had a peculiar spark in them. I dreaded what she had to say.
"Karen!," she called, running through the vineyard gate, "I'm engaged!"
"W-what?" I stuttered.
"Jack asked me just now. I was in the field, doing normal farm chores, and suddenly he comes up, and gives me a blue feather!"
I hugged her fiercely. She was so wonderfully joyful, I couldn't help but be caught up in her excitement. "Oh, Ann," I said, "I'm so happy for you!"
"I've got to go," she said, "I feel like telling everybody in the whole world. The wedding's on Sunday, so be there."
"I will," I called after her as she ran down the path. I waited until she was safely out of sight before I sat down on the ground.
Then the reality washed over me, and I started crying right there in the open daylight. Kai came, and silently and gently put his arm around me. For once, I didn't push him away.
They were married on Winter 22. The wedding was beautiful. I watched it with a smile on my face and a hole in my heart.
Kai proposed a few weeks after that. I said yes. He was so sweet, after all, and somehow I felt I had to prove to Jack that I could be perfectly happy without him. Ann and Jack both came to the wedding, and were happy for me, of course.
Somehow, I had this terrible feeling that I was marrying for all the wrong reasons.
It wasn't until a week later that it finally sank in: I was bound to my home. I couldn't run away to the city now. And the vineyard was still dying.
The days passed quickly after that. Nothing much had changed, really. Jack and Ann were still my two best friends, and I continued to love Jack from afar. Kai was almost in awe of me it seemed, like I was some sort of goddess that he couldn't believe would even give him the time of day. Honestly, I found it all annoying and embarrassing.
I can't explain why my love for Jack never went away, nor can I explain my lack of respect for Kai. I found his worship of me irritating, and, I'm afraid to admit, I treated him badly because of it. I would do things like refuse his little gifts of flowers, or call his hard work on the vineyard merely "satisfactory."
My coldness hurt us both, but I couldn't stop. I didn't know what else to do. I felt that if I loved and treated Kai as I should, then I was giving up any hope of Jack, and I couldn't bring myself to do that. Even when I found out that Ann was pregnant.
She had been complaining of weird symptoms for about a week. And when she came into the bar one hot, humid summer night, breathless, I sort of expected it.
"I'm pregnant, Karen!" she laughed to my face. "Can you believe it? I'm going to have a baby." At first, I was in shock. I almost cried out, but bit my tong hard enough to draw blood. I could taste the metallic flavor in my mouth. I started to wipe the table I was cleaning really hard.
"Isn't it just amazing?" she babbled on as I scrubbed harder. "Just to think that I could create new life. It really is the most incredible experience." I scrubbed the table even harder.
Somewhere inside of me, I knew I was being a horrible friend and was acting very selfishly, but it gave me such a bittersweet sense of self-pity that I almost enjoyed it. Like a drug, my jealousy was slowly killing me, but there was no way I would put a stop to it. It had become too much a part of me.
That night, when I came home, Kai was waiting for me. He had a table with a nice cloth set out. The candles burned softly, and I could see a bottle of our best wine on the table.
"Welcome home, honey," he said, coming up to me and kissing my cheek. He put on a silly little French accent and said, "In honor of our one month anniversary, I have prepared a delicious sampling of the finest cuisine-"
"I'm not hungry," I stated, interrupting him. My stomach actually did feel a little sour.
Kai turned serious right away. "Did you have a tough day? Tell you what, why don't we just sit and talk. Maybe I'll pour a little wine…"
"I said I'm not hungry." I started to head upstairs, but he grabbed my arm.
"Karen," he said, looking into my eyes almost tragically, "I don't know what I did, but please, just stay with me…"
I shrugged him off, and turned my back to head upstairs. "Just go away. I'm tired."
At that moment, I hated the world. I hated Kai for trying so hard; I hated him for loving me despite my icy indifference. And I hated Ann for being so damned cheerful, and for marrying Jack. And I hated Jack for not loving me the way I loved him, and for choosing Ann, and for being so loveable. And I hated everyone else who was joyful, because they were either ignoring my pain or were content in spite of it.
But most of all I hated myself for ignoring the love heaped at my feet and for looking for another I knew must be fruitless. I hated myself for not being happy.
Things got even more complicated when I discovered I was pregnant as well. Unlike Ann, I was not saturated with the peaceful glow of an expecting mother. Instead, I was filled with resentment for this child who had invaded my body and left me no choice but to submit to a life on a failing vineyard married to a man I did not love.
Pregnancy was a little weird, but I won't go into much detail. Most of it is either boring or gross anyway.
Ann had Jack's child on the 18th of Fall. A beautiful birthday, if you ask me. Jack said he named it himself: Charlie. A perfect name for a perfect family. It made me sick.
Kai wanted a girl. I could tell. He probably wanted another chance to do right by me; to be a good man to a daughter of mine. Again, I was disgusted with my inability to love him for the wonderful man he was.
But my heart still followed Jack. I knew his schedule, the names of all the cows he carefully brushed and cared for every day. I knew that he liked to fish, but didn't have much time for it. And I knew his devotion to his family. When Charlie was born, he took him around town, showing everybody. And he brought Ann constant presents: flowers, eggs, sometimes wool, which she adored.
My daughter was born on the 13th of Winter. A cold date for a cold mother. Kai named her Sonia. I didn't care.
And so time passed on, as it often does. My parents passed away (heart disease for my dad, and pneumonia for my mother. I truly did grieve for them) and left the vineyard to Kai and me.
The children grew older. All of a sudden, they were toddlers. They walked and even started to say a few sentences.
Jack's farm was thriving. I could tell simply by his generosity. He even remembered to bring me very-berries and grapes. Every time I walked past his farm, I could smell the ripe scent of crops and the fresh milk of cows. And I could hear the laughter of a happy family.
But our vineyard was dwindling. It was spiraling down into nothing. Kai worked so hard. It really took a toll on him; he was trying to support the vineyard by himself and be a family man and a good neighbor as well. He lost sleep; worry lines and dark circles under his eyes infested his face.
To make matters worse, I had to quit my job at the bar in order to look after Sonia. She sure was a full time job. But she was absolutely adorable, and Kai loved her so much. I did too. But not enough. Not as much as I should have.
It was about a month after my daughter's second birthday that I snapped.
The day started normally enough, but throughout it came a damp sense in the air of impending doom.
Sure enough, by the time we ate dinner, a thunderstorm came crashing down around us. Our minimal electricity flickered, and then went out.
Kai went to put Sonia to bed while I scrubbed the dirty dishes by candlelight. In a rare quiet moment, I looked around.
The candlelight reflected off the broken TV in the corner, and a few of Sonia's dollies on the floor. The rug was dusty and dirty; the ceiling was cracked. Outside, the weak and frail grapevines snapped and broke in the fierce wind. They blew away, drifting into the unknown blackness, carrying our hopes with them.
Suddenly, I realized I was crying. This was my life. A broken TV. My daughter's toys lying on a dirty carpet under a cracked ceiling. A husband who worked so hard every day, only to have his labors destroyed by one thunderstorm.
And then there was me. Miserable; loving only what I could not have. A dejected housewife who never did go to the city; only dreamed about it.
I simply couldn't take it anymore. So I ran. I crashed out the door and into the night.
I ran and I ran and I ran. The thunder crashed about me. The lightning came so often, I couldn't even see. The rain beat against my body; it soaked my clothing and tousled my hair and burned my skin.
I had no idea where I was running to until I got there. I crashed into a mailbox and then a doghouse. I was at Jack's farm. Dimly, through the rain, I saw a candle in a window. I made my way to the door, and, without even knocking, burst in.
Inside, Ann was gently rocking Charlie to sleep. Upon seeing me, she stood up, and cried out, "Karen! What's wrong?" Charlie started to cry.
My head was spinning. Jack. Where was Jack? "Where's Jack?"
"He's trying to put the cows in the barn. Why? What's-"
But I was already out the door. I found him coming out of his barn; it looked like he had just put the last cow in.
"Jack!" I called to him.
"Karen?" His voice sounded far away, even though we were within thirty feet of each other. I kept running towards him. Almost there. I was almost there. Finally, I collapsed into his arms.
"Oh, Jack," I sobbed. Gently, he lowed us town until we were kneeling on the in a hug.
"Karen…shh…It's alright," he whispered into my ear, trying to calm me. "What's wrong?"
I wish I could have stayed there forever. Facing the storm in Jack's arms.
"Oh, Jack," I said, continuing to sob, "my life is wrong."
He pulled apart enough to look into my eyes and ask, "What do you mean?"
"This wasn't the way it was suppose to happen. I was going to go to the city and become a dancer. And then you showed up, so I stayed…"
"Me?"
"Don't interrupt. Yes, you. So I stayed, but you fell in love with Ann, and you were so happy together, so I married Kai, but I didn't love him, and now I'm utterly trapped in this mother role with a house that's falling apart and no hope of escape." I broke down and bawled into my hands once more.
Jack was frozen with his arms still about me. I could tell he was trying to process what I was saying. "Oh, Karen, I'm so sorry," he said at last, "I had no idea…"
"Hush," I said. "I love you so much." And then I kissed him. All my pent up anger, adoration, rage, frustration, and love went into that one kiss. Somehow, we wound up rolling on the waterlogged grass, just kissing and kissing and kissing.
But, as I knew he would, he pulled away, shaking and unsure. "Karen…I'm sorry…I can't…Ann…sorry…"
A strange calm descended over me. It was as if I knew I did all I could. And now I had to let him go.
"Goodbye, Jack," I said calmly. "I love you. I probably always will."
I left him there like that: lying, shocked, on the soggy ground while the rain fell all around. Where he thought I was going, I do not know. Perhaps he thought I was going back to Kai, or maybe to talk with Ann. But I did neither of those things.
Instead, I walked. I walked past the Green Ranch Farm, childhood home of my best friend. I passed the beach, where I had spent many lonely hours. I drifted by Flower Bud Village, full of little people with their little hopes and little problems. I walked past the racing track, where year after year, I wished and prayed and hoped that Jack would win the gold trophy.
And still I walked. Past all things familiar, past all thing loved, past all things painful.
I thought about many things that night. I thought about Kai, and what he would do when he discovered I was missing. I thought about Ann, who would know her best friend had been a stranger for years. I thought about Jack, and what he could possibly say to Kai. And I thought about Sonia, a daughter who would grow up without a mother.
But mostly I walked that night. The rain lessened, and lighted even more until it was nothing but a cool mist on the grass.
And still I walked, away from my home and towards the dawn.