Because she lives
Author's Note: A little fic dedicated to Dameon because I love him =) Dameon's thoughts and feelings while staying in Sador.
Rated: k+
Characters: Dameon
Scenario: Dameon thinks about Elspeth while in Sador, serving in the Earthtemple and muses on his destiny and why he loves her.
o0o
The air is clear and cold and wraps around me like velvet on this particular night. It is uncanny how strikingly different the night temperature is to the day, but at least the Sadorians are afforded some respite from the heat. I cannot think to concentrate on my tasks at hand, nor the pressing needs of those in the Earthtemple. I can only think of Elspeth, far away across the sea and away from my love for her...
For I know I cannot have her, as much as it tortures me inside... this is one thing I have known from the moment I met her. She is destined for great things, I have always known this. I sense a hidden purpose... and a danger as well... She does not easily speak what is on her mind, but from time to time, I catch her warring emotions... both deep and profound... emotions that she tries to hide. And yet she sees me as a brother... a dear friend and confidant but nothing more...
"Dameon...?" The soft, hesitant voice calls me into the present and I am met by a slightly bitter scent of sand and temple wax.
"Yes Fian...?" I turn and sense his body-heat near me, his emotions a little perturbed and slightly curious.
"Would ye come inside now...? The Overguardian is wantin' ye..."
I nod, and follow the boy into the Earthtemple, through the labyrinth of mud and yielding clay, but my thoughts are not contained by these earthy walls... they travel across the waves and fly on the wings of the dawn to follow in the wake of her scent, to watch over her in her dreams... to smile like the sun and stream light on her pillow in the morning... to be the gentle unseen guardian by her side in the twilight of the morning... For every letter I write, I pour out my heart. For every detail and every common-place word I etch my life-blood across the page. But only in my mind... for I can only be with her in spirit...
And I know it will hurt her beyond repair to tell her of my deep affection... it will ruin our friendship, perhaps forever... and that is why I am here, miles away in a foreign land, in Sador... because I am selfish... because I cannot bear to see her with another... because I harbour deep feelings of bitterness and jealousy that frighten even me... My father once told me, you have to stay strong for those you love... and always, I have needed to be the strong one, the sensible one, the one who remains rational, calm through all situations, patient, immovable ... and yet inside I am breaking, my barrier shredded by this emotional storm...
I have a duty here... I believe I am also here for a reason, besides conveniently hiding from my feelings. I sense there is something more behind this elusive title of 'asura,' something darker... something they have yet to tell me. And it frightens me because I know it is to do with my destiny, a destiny I cannot perceive... I have come to love and respect the Sadorian way of life, for they are a proud yet gentle people, but sometimes during a normal, common-place task, I stop, a chilling sense of foreboding washing over me as I catch the temple guardians emotions of curiosity and expectancy... almost as if they are waiting for something...
So instead, I think of Elspeth... her scent on the breeze, her parting words... the feel of her skin under my fingertips... the way I had ached to take her in my arms and confess my feelings right then and there, even with Rushton watching...
As I enter the main Earthtemple's healing chambers, I am met with wave upon wave of emotion; pain and fear, borne by those who are brought here for healing. I make my way to the nearest mat and gentle fingers reach up to touch my face. And as I will my emotions of comfort and stability to flow out into the room, I am at the same time burdened by feelings of grief and terror, a price I must pay for the welfare of others. Looking up, I sense the fluttering emotions of the temple guardians. I do not yet know why they are so deformed... it seems to me a great cruelty, and yet I cannot judge a culture and a deep tradition that I do not understand...Instead I must play my part of helping them ease their pain.
Once more my mind turns to Elspeth and the letter that I last sent her... And I bow my head over my patient... reminiscing of the sounds and smells of Obernewtyn, the sound of Elspeth's voice echoing through brightly-lit corridors intermingling with the cool, damp of the underground temple, smelling of earthiness and rich wine.
"You're mind is unsettled tonight asura..." and I sigh, hearing the voice of the temple overguardian beside me, I touch my patient gently on the forehead and gather myself up to walk beside him.
"I... am thinking of home..."
I can hear his laboured breathing and sense his fluid emotions as they wrap around me as he reaches to take my hands. Again I am struck by how small and child-like they are, and then I reprimand myself for forgetting that he is only a child for all his wisdom... He hardly walks around now... and I know... I know that he is fading... and the thought grieves me as much as it frightens me, because I know I will be the one to keep silent vigil by his side when he is dying...
"Of anyone in particular asura...?" and I feel his smile as it warms the air, and the slightest hint of curiosity.
"Well yes, if you must know..."
"It is good to think on such things..." And I sense his slight hesitation, his emotions turning pensive as if carefully measuring what to say next "... but I must warn you that the path of an asura, although revered, is not an easy one. It has a special destiny attached to it, especially for you..."
I stop and slightly turn my face to him, "I do not understand," I speak softly.
He touches my hand. "You will in time asura... but for now... tell me more of this special person... Is it someone you love?"
I smile wryly at his curiosity and yet am struck by the steady, thoughtful way he sorts through his emotions, just as an adult contemplates a difficult decision.
"Perhaps..."
"And have you yet to tell her of your feelings...?" His voice is soft.
"She is... bonded to... someone else..."
Here he turns to me almost in surprise yet something akin to sympathy flows from him. "Why do you love her?"
And his innocent question strikes me as strange, for I have never thought of why I love Elspeth, only that from the very first moment of sensing her presence, of being near her, it was as if a part of me was irrevocably lost... as if something inside me detached itself, came apart... and I knew in that moment, that I would do anything to make her happy, even if it meant the very real possibility of never being with her...
"I honestly... I..." But how can I speak of a thing I do not understand myself? I can clearly feel the way the room warms when she is near, the intangible, ephemeral something that cannot be defined in words... the way I feel as if my whole world is given meaning in her presence, purposed, lifted... in much the same way that a light shines in a dark room, giving it room to breathe... And I know I will love her always...
I turn to the young Temple Guardian, tears on my cheek and feel his gentle concern.
"Asura...?"
"...Forgive me..." I speak softly, then turn and walk quickly from the damp, earthy coolness out into the open night-air. Gasping, I clutch onto the entrance pillars, feeling somewhat disorientated. I have known from the very first moment I met her that our destinies were linked, and yet how exactly, I do not know... For she is beginning and end, she is everything... and I...? What am I? What is my purpose in life...? And the dark whisper frightens me, so I try to push it down, try desperately to squash it even though I know in the depths of my heart it is true... I know if it came down to this, I know what I would do... I know I would die for her...
I sink to the ground, out of sight, wrapped up in my confusing thoughts and the comforting blanket of night. "Elspeth..." I whisper, pressing my hands to my face, my heart aching. Dear heart... if only you knew... And my musings are carried gently into the night sky. And yet, I love her, faithfully, constantly, because she is, because she breathes...
because she lives...