A/N - OK! So this is a first for me. I have never done a Star Wars fic before. So please be nice. I own none of the characters seen in this story, and all mistakes are my own. That being said, please Read and Review. It only take a second and it make my day!
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Rey sat, crouched over in her AT-AT home with her head in her hands. Having mastered lucid dreaming, she knew that none of this was real. Logically she knew that anyway. She knew that she was aboard the Falcon searching for a new base for the Resistance to call home for a while. This particular dream, one that she had been the victim of many times, was more of a memory than anything else. Fear gripped her heart. No matter how many times she was forced to relive this, it always terrified her as much as it did when it first happened. She had only been 12 when it happened, and she vowed then and there to never let herself get put in a position like that again. She learned quickly how to defend herself and how to avoid this ever happening, but how did a person fight a memory?
The dream normally came when she was extremely tired, or scared, and sometimes it happened when someone touched her in a way that made her incredibly uncomfortable. Having been surrounded by so many people on the ship that had too little space, she had been touched so many times that she had scrubbed herself down roughly in the bath, which was something new to her as well, to the point that he skin had turned red and raw. She hated feeling this way. Like she was something damaged and a fraud, so she never spoke about it. If no one knew what had happened, no one would shun her for being so broken, right?
"Where am I?"
Rey's head shot up and she stared at the back of a woman that she really did not want to be there. "General Organa?"
The elder woman turned, her eyes landing on Rey's face. "What in the world is going on, Rey? Where are we?"
"No, no no, you can't be here. Please, you have to leave." Rey stood and moved away from the general quickly, trying to put some distance between herself and the woman who she so greatly admired.
"Rey, you pulled me into this dream, we are both still asleep. I can't leave. You have to make me go." Leia stepped towards her, with her hands outstretched. "Why don't you tell me what is going on?"
"I can't. I-I can't. Please, don't make me."
"Alright," The general very carefully reached out and took Rey's arm, leading her back to her seat, before crouching in front of her, "Let's start easy then. Where are we, Rey? Can you tell me that much?"
"Jakku. This is where I used to live. It was my home until I got tangled up with BB-8 and met Finn and joined the Resistance. It's an old, rusted out AT-AT." Rey whispered into her hands, where her face had gone as soon as she had sat back down.
"You lived in an AT-AT?" Leia tried her hardest not to sound astonished, but it didn't work.
"It's not as bad as you think. Look around, there is actually quite a bit of room for a single person." Rey said and Leia had to admit, she was actually right.
"Alright, this dream we are in, is it a nightmare or a memory?" Leia probed gently.
"Both," Rey sighed and dropped her hands. Her eyes sought the general's and hazel locked with brown. "It's a nightmare, of a memory."
Leia brought her hands to Rey's and held them gently between her own. "How old were you in this memory?"
"It's hard to say." She waved towards a wall covered in small lines. "I was very young when my parents left me here. I didn't actually have any concept of time passing yet, and by the time it occurred to me to actually keep track, I didn't know my age, or my birthday. So I can only guess how old I am and how old I was then. I was 12, maybe 13 when I- when this happened."
"Oh Rey, I know that we don't talk much, and I know that we aren't particularly close, but you know that if you ever need someone to talk, about anything at all. You know you can come to me right?" Leia squeezed the young Jedi's hands between her own. Her heart hurt when she thought about this precious young woman, forced to grow up by herself, with no family to care for her, never shown any compassion or love at all.
"Don't worry. This isn't exactly normal. I won't bother you with it."
"Rey! I don't care if this is normal. It doesn't matter to me when you need to talk, or even if you just need someone to sit with you in the quiet. I am here for you."
"Thank you. I have actually never heard that before in my life. No one has ever offered to be my confidante about anything." Rey's head snapped up at the sound of a noise outside. "Oh no. No no no no no no. You can't see this. Please don't watch this."
The door to the AT-AT burst open and a very young looking Rey came in. she slung her pack onto the chair, it passed right through the older Rey sitting there. She slung herself into the hammock that hung in the corner and promptly fell asleep. Leia turned to Rey with a raised eyebrow, only to be met with tear filled eyes.
Moments later, the door slowly creaked open again and a man crept in. He rifled through the things in the small space and pocketed several items. As he made his way back to the door, a large orb, Rey didn't even remember what the stupid thing had been for or why she had kept it, fell from his pocket with a loud BANG. The sleeping teenager shot off her hammock and grabbed the first thing she could get ahold of, a sharp piece of metal with a leather handle that she had used for prying pieces of machinery apart.
The man flew towards her and she tried to fight him off. Chaos ensued. Leia's eyes followed what happened and watched very carefully as the man wrestled with the teenager, trying to pry the makeshift knife from her desperate fingers, all the while throwing her against walls and shelves, before Rey, in a surge of adrenaline and strength, pulled her knees into his chest and pushed. The man, Leia never saw his face but did notice the long, ugly scar on his arm, fell backwards, dragging a still fighting young Rey with him. What followed, was an odd squelching sound, and the man's eye going blank. His head fell back and his last breath left his lungs.
The younger version of the Jedi shoved herself off of him and walked backwards, her hands and clothes covered in blood. She fled.
Rey, the elder version, had her head in her hands again and was screaming. Begging someone to make it stop, to make her forget, but before Leia could reach for her to try and calm her down, she was ripped out of the dream and thrown back into her own mind, her body completely awake. Without thought, she tore off the sheets and blanket from her bed and ran from her room. On her way, following the sounds of a screaming young woman, she passed Po and Finn emerging from their shared storage room, who followed her to Rey's room. When they arrived at the door, and the boys were assured that Rey was not really in any danger, she waved them off, and told her that she would handle it. She stepped into Rey's bedroom, and took her by the shoulders.
"Rey, Rey! Wake up sweetheart, you're dreaming. Rey!" the young woman surged from the bed and right into Leia's arms, as if she instinctively knew who was waiting for her when she woke. The older woman held her as she sobbed, gently caressing her hair and whispering reassuring words in her ear. She had no idea how long she sat there, listening to the gut wrenching sobs of the Jedi, but she refused to move, her connection to the Force telling he that right now, all Rey needed was someone to hold her and let her cry. She could feel the agony and fear rolling off her in waves that would have crippled a grown man.
Finally, when Rey's sobs slowed to sniff and hiccups, Leia pulled away and cupped her cheeks between strong hands. "Talk to me, Rey. Tell me what you are thinking."
"I killed someone. I killed him and I don't know how to deal with it. Everyone thinks that I am this pillar of the Light and I'm not. I can't be." She hung her head, refusing to meet the older woman's gaze.
"Oh sweetheart, you were a child. You were defending yourself and your home. You did nothing wrong, and from what I saw, it was an accident." Leia brushed tendrils of sweaty brown hair away from a young face and lifted Rey's head with a gentle hand beneath her chin. "It was an accident." She whispered again, more firmly this time.
"How can you rationalize this? I murdered him. I'm a killer."
"No, you aren't. If you were, you wouldn't be this upset over it. You didn't murder him. Even in a court system, you would have been forgiven for this. He attacked you, not the other way around. He came into your home, and you defended it."
Rey sniffed and wiped her eyes. "On Jakku, if anyone had found out, I would have been punished, severely. I came back later and hid his body in an old Star Destroyer. I went there almost every day to scavenge parts and always made sure that he was never discovered."
"Rey, no one here would fault you. I understand that you don't want people as a general whole to know what happened, but you can always come find me. I know you didn't intend for me to find out either, but I don't blame you. I would have defended myself the same way in that situation." Leia wrapped the younger woman in her arms and held her, rocking her back and forth, trying her best to soothe the anxiety she could sense from her.
"Thank you." Rey could sense Leia was telling her the truth. She felt and odd comforting caress within her, gentle touches of Leia's mind against her's, reassuring her that she was safe, and she was cared for, something she had not experienced before the Resistance. She laid her head on Leia's shoulder, tucking her face against the older woman's neck and breathing her in. The smell of oil, dirt and something that Rey couldn't begin to describe filled her senses and calmed her wildly pounding heart.
Eventually, Leia pulled away. "I need to get back to my room. We are both tired, and we both need sleep."
Rey could only nod in response.
"If you need me, you know where I am."
The Jedi watched the elder woman leave and stood. It was still late. Most of the Resistance would be sleeping, but she didn't think she was going to get much more rest.
Rey.
That voice. Ben was trying to reach out to her. Did she have it in her to take another chance? Could she?
Rey, are you alright? He whispered into her mind.
I'm fine Ben. She answered.
I could feel your fear. I thought something had happened.
Why do you care? We are on opposite sides of this war, remember? She sighed audibly into the room.
I-I know you don't trust me right now, but please, give me time and I will show you. I was worried about you when I felt how scared you were.
I appreciate you concern, Ben, I really do, but I'm fine. It was just a nightmare. She scrubbed her hands over her face and sat down on the edge of her bed. I have had that dream more times than I would care to remember. She admitted.
Is this ok, Rey? Talking like this? His voice sounded hesitant.
I don't see why not. There is nothing we can do about Snoke binding our minds together, so we might as well make some use of it. At least we can say that we will no longer be alone, right?
That's actually a good way of looking at it. Rey, I still want to be your friend.
Really? And how exactly would that work? The whole opposite side thing kinda put a dampener on any kind of friendship. Don't you think?
No. Listen to me. I know you don't trust me any more, that you have no faith in me, but I am asking you, please, give me a chance to prove that I am not the man you think I have become.
You killed Luke! How can you ask me to give you a chance after that?
I know I did. And I am ashamed to say that I once again let my anger at a tutor I thought I could trust get the better of me, but I want to try and change things. I want to help you. Tell me, is there anything you need that I can help you with?
Rey sighed internally. There was actually a lot of things that she could think of that they would need in the next few days. There were injured people on board, and they didn't have enough food or water to go around. They needed somewhere to land and gather supplies, but nowhere was safe right now. They were on the run from everyone and no one was their friend. If you want to help so badly, find somewhere that we can land and recuperate without your First Order friends trying to slaughter us in our sleep. We need medical supplies, food, water, preferably about six more ships. Help us, and I will give you your chance, I promise.
Very well, I will get back to you about your supplies and your planet. You will have to give me time to set something up though. It might take a couple of days.
Alright, thank you.
I need to go now, Rey. I will be here for you if you need me, I promise you. I am your friend. Be safe, please.
Ben!
Yes?
Please, don't betray me this time. I don't think I would be able to kill you, if it came down to it.
I promise you, I will not betray you.
The connection between them was severed and for the first time in over a month, since the battle on Crait, Rey felt a small spark of hope in her chest. She stuffed her feet in her boots and left her room. Rey and Leia were the only people on the Falcon could say that they had their own rooms. Though, their rooms had been cargo areas until they had been cleaned out. As she stepped out her door, she nearly stumbled over Rose, who was asleep against the wall next to her door. Her arm still in a sling and a heavy bandage around her head.
Kneeling in front of the woman, Rey shook her awake gently. "Rey?" Rose whispered. "Is everything alright?"
"Yes, everything is fine. Come on." she helped the mechanic stand and pulled her back into the bedroom. She helped her lay down and covered her with the blankets, despite her protests. "You need the bed more than I do. Besides, I am used to sleeping on the floor or in a chair. I'll be fine. Get some rest."
She left the room and made her way to the gunner station. A young man was sitting in the chair, leaned back casually in his seat. He straightened immediately when Rey came in. "Rey, are you alright?"
"Yes, why don't you go get some sleep. I'll take this watch for a while."
"Are you certain?" He asked standing from the chair.
"Yeah, I need some time to think anyway." She answered and waved him off. She sat in the chair and propped her feet up on the display. She wasn't afraid of it breaking, these things could take a beating and she knew it. She sat there, reclined in the seat, staring at the stars, thinking and reminiscing about her life before Leia, Ben, Finn, Po and the others came into her life, how she spent nearly every day in fear of being discovered for what she was. She couldn't quite convince herself that she wasn't the killer she thought she was, though Leia had meant well, she had a hard time believing the words that the woman had told her. After so many years, spent believing that she was a murderer, it was hard to believe that she wasn't.
Whispers of the screams and terror of that day still tickled her mind. Hopefully it wasn't enough to summon Leia back to her side. She needed her sleep and shouldn't be forced to keep Rey company because of a bad dream. She didn't want to disturb the elder woman. She also didn't want her peace disturbed right now. She thought back to what Luke had taught her about meditation and let go of her thoughts. She emptied herself and reached out, feeling her way along the the edges of the ship, reassuring herself that everyone onboard was safe. When she reached Leia's room, she paused for a minute, taking the time to make sure the older woman was resting well and that her dreams were pleasant ones.
Glad that they were safe, and everyone was resting, she came back to herself and simply sat there, breathing and not thinking, until she heard movement in the up decks of the ship. A whisper in her mind told her that Leia had found her hiding spot and it was only moments later that Finn slid down the ladder behind her and crept slowly up next to her. "I'm not asleep, Finn." she whispered to him.
"Everyone is looking for you. Rose was in your room and-"
"I know. She was sleeping on the floor outside my room when I got up. I put her to bed in there. She needs the bed more than I do. I hope she is still resting." Rey stood and moved out of the chair. "I think the next shift here is yours so, I will see you later."
She climbed the ladder and came face to face with Leia as she turned around. "Did you get anymore sleep last night?" The older woman asked, concerned.
Rey wrestled with herself for moment over whether to tell the General that she had been in contact with her son, but decided against it quickly. "No. I didn't, but I'm fine. How is Rose?"
"She is still sleeping in your room. What are you going to do for a room now?"
"I don't need one. The beds are too soft anyway." Rey turned, headed to find some food, but stopped when she felt a hand on her arm. "I appreciate your concern, General. I will be fine. I promise you." she couldn't let Leia get tangled up in her demons.
"Rey-"
"Don't, please. Pity is the last thing I need right now." she started to walk away again, but this time was halted by a strong hand wrapping around her bicep and dragging her away in the opposite direction. Leia led her to a store room and pushed her inside.
"Talk to me." She ordered.
"There is nothing to talk about. I thank you, for what you did last night, but this is my problem, no one else needs to be involved in it." Rey pushed a hand through her short hair.
"Rey, you are-"
"NO ONE!" the young Jedi found herself screaming. "Luke said it, everyone on Jakku knew it, even Kylo Ren said it. I'm no one, from a no name family of traders that sold me for scraps. Don't you get it? It doesn't matter what I learn or what I do, I will always be no one."
That's not what I said.
Not now, Ben.
"Rey," Leia began calmly. "You are not a nobody. It doesn't matter where you come from, who your family is, or were. You are a precious piece of our lives now. Everyone on board the ship cares about you. I care about you."
"Like you cared about Ben? I heard you talking to Luke, through his mind. You have given up on him." The young woman knew that was a low blow, and she could feel the hurt rolling off of Leia in waves.
"If my son were to ever, ever, come to me and asked me to help him, or hug him, or just want to talk, there is nothing in this galaxy that would stop me from it. I love my son, Rey. I always will, but that is a completely different situation and you know it." Leia spat. "If you don't want my help that's fine, just tell me, but do not EVER accuse me of not loving Ben, of not caring about him, again. Are we clear?"
Rey could only nod and watch as the angry General stormed out of the small closet and the door slid shut behind her. The Jedi sat on one of the containers and drew her knees up to her chest. What was she doing? She was pushing away everyone she cared about and hurting the people she desperately wanted to be around.
Rey.
Yes? Even in her mind, her voice sounded watery.
My mother, was the one person that I always knew I could lean on. I had the opportunity to kill her, and I couldn't take the shot. I don't know if she will accept me after everything I have done, but don't make the same mistakes I did. Don't push people out of your life because you are in pain. Ben sounded far to wise about this.
I don't know what to do, Ben. Help me, please.
Go talk to her. Not now, you both need time to relax, but later, tell her you are sorry, tell her that you are scared. I don't want you to hurt anymore.
I will. Thank you.
She felt a gentle touch against her mind. Your welcome.
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A/N - There is Chapter 1. As I said before, this WHOLE STORY (yes it is complete but it is going to take me a while to get the chapters uploaded) was written without a beta, so I take full credit for any and all mistakes.