Water Spirit: *looks around impatiently and then spots her younger sister* Oi! Ice! Over here, fool!
Ice Baby: *stalks over to Water Spirit, glaring* You have no right to label me as a baby because I'm nine minutes younger than you!
Water Spirit: *looks down at her sister and then shrugs* Sure, whatever. Okay! Welcome to Ice Baby's—
Ice Baby: *slams Water Spirit with a mallet* THIS IS MY FIC AND SO I WILL INTRODUCE THE FRIGGIN STORY, YOU GOT THAT?!
Water Spirit: Whatever you say.
Ice Baby: This is really pointless, but I thought it would be fun to see what would happen if the Voyager crew found the ZERO system installed on their ship.
Water Spirit: ….this is how you introduce your story?
Ice Baby: And how would you do it?
Water Spirit: Around a lot of pointless chatter that results in Lawyer Bob pointing a gun at me and my saying the disclaimers.
Ice Baby: When do I get my own Lawyer?
Water Spirit: *smirks* When you're older.
Ice Baby: *socks Water Spirit*
Water Spirit and Ice Baby: *begin to beat the shit out of each other*
Heero: …
Trowa: …. (as if no one saw THAT coming)
Quatre: …
Wufei: …
Saionji: …
Akio: …
Touga: …
Anthy: ….
Utena: …
Miki: …
Chu-Chu: …
Umi: …
Hikaru: …
Fuu: …
Yhoko: …
Miaka: ….
Tamahome: ….
Tasuki: …
Chichiri: …
Nuriko: …
Chiriko: …
Hotohori: ….
Ranma: …
Akane: …
Ryoga: …
Kagetsuya: …
Chihaya: …
Duo: Yeah. They're fighting. Whoopee frick. Moving on.
Water Spirit: *stands up, obviously victorious, having threatened Ice Baby of revealing her crush on one of the Borg drones (oopsie, did I type that?)*
Ice Baby: THAT'S NOT TRUE!!!!!!
Lawyer Fred: Hello!
Lawyer Bob: Hello!
Water Spirit: IT'S FROB! THEY'RE DOUBLE-TEAMING US!!!! NO FAIR!!!!
Minna: Frob?
Ice Baby: When Fred and Bob are used together, they must form the contraction Frob.
Minna: Ah.
Lawyers: Disclaimers?
Ice Baby: I don't own Voyager or anything!
Water Spirit: I own the ZERO system, but it's all—I DON'T THEN! HEERO!!! FROB IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!
Heero: Omae o korosu. *shoots his gun (from spandex space *drool*) at Frob*
Frob: *dodge*
Water Spirit: Don't own it….
Ice Baby: Story time!
~*~*~*~*~
Authoresses' Note: The ZERO system, from Gundam Wing, is a system which is installed in Wing Gundam Zero (go figure) and Wing Gundam Zero Custom. The Zero system is a nifty gizmo that controls your mind (telling you who your enemy and what they're going to do and how to beat them [blow up a colony Quatre! it's what your pacifist father would want! {but Quatre's too cute to pick on}]). It's DANGEROUS to everyone but Zechs Marquis (a.k.a. Milliardo Peacecraft [he's a drunkard {YES, he had problems with drinking, I dare you to disprove me} who denounced his family name]) and Heero Yuy (WS's Note: He's mine, you can't have him no matter how much you pay me! I've already taken care of Relena and everything! *presses detonator and the Peacecraft mansion goes boom and Relena can be heard screaming*). We know, it's weird. Talk to the people who created the series.
IB's Note: My sister Water Spirit typed this for me because I can't talk. That's why it's her style, but the words are all mine. Arigatou, WS!
WS's Note: Damn straight, onna!
~*~*~*~*~
Tom Paris was feeling particularly offbeat this particular day. But you really can't blame him, seeing as he had been stuck in the Delta Quadrant for the past five years. I would start to feel a bit offbeat too, if you know what I mean. Seeing the same thing for five straight years has got to get to a person after a while. How did Superman stand the small brains of the people in Metropolis? How does Heero pull his gun from spandex space? How can someone look at stars all day, all night, and then some time in between for five years? Some things in the universe have no answers. Sad but true.
Anyway, Tom Paris was walking down to the mess hall for his traditional peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was his favorite meal, and I'd have to agree with him. It's perfect for any occasion. Tom walked up to Neelix and smiled.
"Hey, Neelix. Got any PB&J for me?" he was about to ask. But a strange little voice entered his head before he had the chance. "Why that, Tom? It's all you ever eat! Have some fish steaks or caviar or pizza! For Heaven's sake, anything but that boring sandwich!"
So Tom went up to Neelix and said, "I'd like some pizza please."
Neelix, never the type to ask questions (the nice sort of person who doesn't bug you when you say nothing's wrong. The world needs more people like that), prepared Tom a cheese pizza and went on to serving the next person. There's another thing that I like about Neelix: he's pretty to the point when he's bothered. No small talk or nervous chitchat like most. Tell me you don't believe me. Good.
"Gee Tom, getting adventurous?" Neelix asked as he languorously put the pizza in the oven. If he had moved any slower, Tom swore he would have moved backwards. With a shrug, Tom took the pizza he was offered and moved to a table by the windows to look out and stare at the stars much as one stares at their front yard when they have nothing better to do with their time.
Looking down at the pizza, Tom picked it up and began to move it to his mouth. "Wait!!!" a voice screamed in his mind. "You don't want to eat that, do you?! It goes against years of tradition!!! You have to be kidding, Tom! That pizza is evil and spawn of the devil! It is your enemy!"
Tom stared down at the pizza, an eyebrow raised. He had that look, you know which one too. It's the one that says 'I'm going insane. The pizza is talking to me.' Or was it the look that one gets when one asks oneself a question. Tom shook his head.
Personally, I don't blame Tom. Though he didn't know it, the ZERO system was slowly taking over his mind. It had learned, through Quatre and Heero, that it should not move quickly, for that would drive its victim into absolute insanity right off the bat. In that case, the ZERO system is quite smart. But I just don't get why it enjoys enslaving the minds of humans. Oh well, back to the point.
I really don't blame Tom for being so disgruntled at hearing his mind yell at him. It's one thing to yell at yourself (admit that you've done it when you've made a stupid mistake [ya know, 3*8=11 or something] because we all do), but it's a completely different experience when there's a separate voice in your head that just keeps talking, and talking, and talking and never just shuts up. That kind of thing is bound to get on your nerves after a while, don't you agree?
So Tom stood up and tossed his pizza in a garbage. He began down the hall in his usual sauntering style, smiling and looking generally beautiful and whatnot. He passed two junior officers, females, mind you, who whispered and giggled to each other as he walked by.
Now, normally Tom would have thought nothing of this. But you must remember that his mind is being controlled by ZERO. "They're talking about you, Tom. They were laughing at you. They're your enemies, Tom… Your enemies," that weird voice, almost mechanical sounding, crooned in his ears. Tom shook himself and continued walking.
But then he stopped. Just stopped. Dead in the middle of the hall. A strange glint flitted through his eyes. The look that said 'Under any other circumstances, you'd love to get to know me, but right now I think I'd rather kill the next person I see, so, if you'd do yourself a favor and back up, I'd appreciate it.' And then he turned around, the glint of insanity still in his eyes. Tom stared after the two female officers and willed them to burn. Of course, they didn't for it's impossible to a human to spontaneously combust under any normal circumstance.
Yet, then again, this situation isn't normal…. so…
Nope. The two officers walked off and around a corner, giggling to each other. About what, Tom couldn't begin to fathom. He turned and entered the turbolift. "Computer, bridge," Tom ordered the lift. He began to move towards the bridge when the voice began talking again.
"Oh, do you really want to go to the bridge?"
Tom whirled around. Standing before him was a young lady with sandy-blonde hair and bright, green-blue eyes. She brushed her shoulder length hair from her face.
"Computer, halt this thing," she ordered. The lift stopped. "Hello, Tom Paris."
Tom backed up. "Who are you?" he demanded, reaching for his phaser.
The girl rolled her eyes. "Oh, please! I'm not real, Tom. You can't hurt me!" she exclaimed. "As a matter of fact—" her eyes narrowed and a cruel smile twisted her lovely face into a snarl "—you're the only one who can see me."
"WHAT?!" Tom demanded.
The girl shrugged. "You'll understand soon." She smirked, her face forming even worse of a snarl. It was the kind that could freeze ice and cause a full grown man to wet his pants. Not something you actually want to see, but there's not much you can do about it when the ZERO system makes you see things. "Oh, dear me!" She placed a dainty hand on her face in mock worry. "You look pale, Tom. Maybe you should go to sick bay."
Tom glared. "Computer, deactivate the hologram in the turbolift."
"Cannot comply."
"Elaborate."
"There is no hologram in the turbolift," the computer replied.
Tom's jaw dropped as he stared at the girl.
She rolled her eyes. "Didn't I tell you already? Only you can see me. I'm a creation of your mind. Now, if you don't mind," she said with a yawn and stretching, "I'm going to go to sleep for a while." The girl vanished, leaving Tom alone in the lift.
"Computer, take me to sick bay."
A few seconds later, Tom exited the lift and walked into sick bay. The Doctor looked up and smiled. "Ah, Tom. What brings you here on your off hours?"
Tom sighed. "There's something wrong with my head," he said.
The Doctor frowned and picked up a tricorder. "Explain," he ordered as he began to scan Tom's head. Hm. Well, maybe I should call him an it, considering the fact that 'it/he' is a hologram… Oh, the pains of the authoress. [WS's Note: *bangs IB* Keep dictating, Baby Sister]
"Well, I keep hearing this voice and then this girl pops up and say only I can see her."
The Doctor frowned. "There doesn't seem to be anything wrong, Tom. Maybe you're just imagining things," he supplied, putting his tricorder away.
Tom rolled his eyes. "I am imagining things! A voice in my head and a girl who laughs at me and says she's a creation of my mind! I certainly consider that to be imagining!" he exclaimed.
There's another interesting thing about ZERO. You don't really know it's controlling you until you start laughing. You see, everyone gets the 'ZERO laugh' when they go insane. It's that heh… Hehheh… laugh that goes into a wild brawl of laughter. It continues as you blow up colonies and attempt to kill your best friends and only allies. Some things in the universe just can't be explained by man. What're you gonna do? [WS: Grin, bear it, and GET ON WITH THE FRIGGIN STORY!]
The Doctor looked sympathetically at Tom. "There's not much I can—"
"Annoying, isn't he?"
"YOU!" Tom accused of the sandy-blonde haired girl.
"Oh, I'm hurt!" Her eyes were wide and filled with tears. "How could you say I did that?" she asked, obviously distressed. But it was that fake obvious that is normally quite easy to see through, but, since Tom was not in a normal state of mind, it was quite hard for him to see through it. Almost.
"But you did do it, didn't you?" he asked.
The girl rolled her eyes. "No duh, fool. He's your enemy. I had to save you, do you think I'd let an enemy hurt one of my friends?" She looked so innocent and angelic it was hard for anyone who was on the verge of insanity not to believe her. Her sappy voice would have been so obviously put-on to anyone else. But not Tom. Nope, not Tom.
"I'm glad you care. I think," Tom replied, more sure than his voice sounded.
The girl smiled. "That's great! You can call me Nil."
"Nil?" Tom asked.
"Sure!" Nil replied enthusiastically. "As in zip, zilch, nothing, squat, not, entropy, zero," she told him. She smiled and the glint in her sea-green eyes made Tom pause.
It was as she knew this glint too well; as if she had seen it on others. As if she was made from those who had had this glint. As if she was created by the memory of those who had possessed that glint. I really think that particular look is rather frightening, seeing as the only time you see it is in the eyes of a person about to blow up a colony, but… you know. S'all good.
Tom stood up and offered a hand to Nil, which she promptly declined. "I can't," she told him, wiggling her fingers, "remember? Your mind?"
"Right… my mind."
Nil opened the door to sick bay and stepped out. She stretched and looked up to the left. Then down to the right. And spotted Tuvok. Her calculating mind went to work and she vanished from Tom's sight, but her voice remained. "He may not seem it, but he's an enemy, too, Tom. He wants to kill you," she told him.
Tom glowered at Tuvok, pulled his phaser, and shot. Tuvok fell to the ground with a thud. Tom stepped carelessly over the body and began to walk off.
Nil fell into step beside Tom, looking over her shoulder. Hmph. A Vulcan. Just my luck, the ZERO system thought to itself. Hopefully he'll be out for a while. If he is… well, if he's not, he'll find me for sure. Nil looked to Tom and reached a hand to brush his hair from his face. I won't let him ruin my plans. That awful Trowa took Quatre, the blonde haired, green-eyed Arab from me and that damned brown haired, Prussian blue-eyed Heero could control me. Well, no more, I say! Nil grinned demonically from where she now stood on the bridge. No more…
Quietly, Nil slipped past Katherine Janeway and Chakotay and into the navigation controls. Together, the ZERO system whispered to Tom, we will be invincible and bring Voyager from the Delta Quadrant. But remember, you must watch out for your enemies.
~*~*~*~*~
Water Spirit: Oi.
Ice Baby: Oi what, you freak?
Water Spirit: Don't call me that.
Heero: Hn. *takes out his gun and aims it at IB*
Water Spirit: *does nothing against Heero's actions*
Ice Baby: Some sister I've got.
Trowa: ………..
Ice Baby: ???
Quatre: He says you should still care.
Ice Baby: ….I do…. but….
Water Spirit: *looks over her shoulder and squeaks* ARMANDE!!!
Armande: *attempts the Armande-seeking missile, but fails miserably* … *being his normal gentlemanly self, he allows WS to cling and say how happy she is to see him*
Minna: …???????????
Water Spirit: Armande is Chrestomanci, the guardian of the dimensions. He's got nine lives and several bad ass swords that I really like. What's up, Arie-chan?
Armande: Would you and Lady Ice Baby please come with me?
Water Spirit: Of course, Arie-chan. Come on, baka.
Ice Baby: Sure thing, fool.
WS, IB, and Armande: *vanish through a portal and step onto a large spaceship…yes, the outside*
Water Spirit: *blinks and kicks the ship* What a piece of junk!
Ice Baby: *looks up and down the haul* ….Water Spirit….?
Water Spirit: Yo?
Ice Baby: …this is Voyager….
Water Spirit: Really? YEAH! I GET TO ASK IF THE SHIP IS MADE OF GUNDANIUM AT LAST!!!!!!!! *runs up and down the ship, laughing hysterically*
Armande: *decides to transport everyone inside the ship's bridge and does so*
Janeway: *jumps to attention* Who are you and how did you get on this ship?
Water Spirit: *pauses mid-demonic laugh* Is this ship made of gundanium?
Janeway: …What?
Water Spirit: *takes out a checklist and begins to check things as follows:
ü not anime
ü has no gundanium
ü eyes do not take up ¾ of their faces
ü don't speak Japanese
ü has no Japanese period
ü has no ZERO system or ZERO-like system
ü has no incredibly annoying character (i.e. Relena who screams "HEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I'M OVER HERE SO COME AND KIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!" way too often) … (this could be a good thing)
Water Spirit: *puts away checklist*
Tuvok: *has found Ice Baby's script as she gapes at the ship* You knocked my unconscious in your story, miss.
Ice Baby: …yeah? Oh… *shrugs*
Tuvok: …
Tom: What's that? A story?
Janeway: Who the hell are you people?!
Water Spirit: Watashi wa Water Spirit desu!
Ice Baby: Watashi wa Ice Baby desu!
Armande: My name is Chrestomanci, although I ask you to call me Armande.
Janeway: What did they say?
Water Spirit: I'm Water Spirit.
Ice Baby: I'm Ice Baby. *looks around* THIS IS SOOOOOO WAY COOOOOOOL!
Water Spirit: *shrugs and walks over to navigation as everyone crowds around Ice Baby and her story* Hm… *rips the control panel apart, installs the ZERO system, and puts it back together* … *walks over to Ice Baby* Time to go home.
Ice Baby: But I wanna meet Seven of Nine!!!! *wails*
Water Spirit: …You're 19. You're 9 minutes younger than me. Yet you wail when you don't get your way. GET A LIFE!
Ice Baby: *smacks Water Spirit*
Water Spirit: *pulls out her sword and begins chasing Ice Baby*
Ice Baby: ARMANDE! ARMANDE, ARMANDE, ARMANDE!!!! SAVE ME!!!!!!!
Water Spirit: SHINETTE, BAKA!!!!
Ice Baby: I will not die and I AM NOT STUPID!!!!!!!!! *takes out her own sword*
Armande: ….*looks at Janeway* Give them a few hours…. Please. It will even out soon, I promise.
Janeway: *shakes her head* It's okay. We can fix everything.
Armande: *glares at WS and IB* No, they will fix what they destroy.
WS & IB: *stop fighting and look up at Armande like angels*
Armande: Oi….