It's the first time Casey has been back to their apartment since the night Alex died.
The past few days she's been living in a haze. She had broken down at the hospital when she realized she had arrived too late. She had to be sedated and was kept for twenty four hours before they would even allow her to see her fiancee.
Casey had stood in the morgue looking at the beautiful face of her fiancee, who simply looked like she had been asleep. Casey had grabbed onto her and begged and pleaded for her to wake up. She had offered to make a deal with anyone who was listening if they would only just give her Alex back.
But no one had been listening and today Casey stood in the cemetery and watched her fiancee be buried way before her time, taking Casey's heart and soul with her.
Casey couldn't believe she could possibly have any tears left within her. She had cried so much she thought it impossible for her to cry anymore.
But as soon as the apartment door closes behind her, Casey bursts into tears again.
Alex is everywhere in the apartment. Her beige peacoat is draped over a chair in the kitchen. Alex always used to get on Casey about leaving her jackets and shoes everywhere but yet Alex always did it herself. Casey was always amused by that.
Just seeing the coat sends Casey over the edge, and she has to grab onto the wall to keep from falling over.
She slowly makes her way to the coat and gently runs her fingers down it. Tentatively she takes it off the chair and puts it on.
It smells like Alex's perfume and even though it's too small, Casey wraps herself in it and cries.
She thought she knew pain before. She's had several softball injuries, been beat up, choked, had her heart broken...but nothing - nothing - could compare to this.
She feels like she's been completely hollowed out, as if her entire being was buried with Alex. She can't feel anymore, at least not anything except the unrelenting pain.
She sits on the floor wrapped in Alex's coat, rocking herself back and forth. Every moment is worse than the one before it and Casey doesn't think she can go on living this way.
She has no idea how long she sits on the floor. After awhile her tears dry up and she just rocks herself, her heart feeling as if it's in a vice grip.
There's a knock at her door. Casey hears it but makes no attempt to get up off the floor to answer it.
Suddenly, the door opens. Casey hadn't even locked it behind her like she normally would.
Amanda Rollins kneels down in front of Casey. She reaches out and touches her shoulder gently, forcing a smile. "Casey? Why don't we get you up off the floor?"
Casey forces herself to look at Amanda. Normally she would object to being spoken to like she was a child. But nothing is normal now and keeps rocking herself and ignores Amanda.
"I was worried about you. Can we go to the couch and talk? It can't be comfortable on this floor, darling," Amanda says softly and slowly, not making any sudden movements.
Casey looks at her again. She's either on duty or just got off. Her badge is clipped to her belt and her gun -
Her gun. Casey sees it and in an instant knows what to do.
Casey is incredibly fast and grabs the gun from the holster. She slides away from Amanda and across the kitchen until her back hits the opposite wall.
Tears are streaming down her cheeks as she holds the gun in her shaking hands. Amanda is in front of her again, crouched down her her level, a horrified look on her face.
"Casey...give me the gun." Amanda's words are careful, soft and weighted. She knows if she says or does the wrong thing it could spell disaster.
Casey shakes her head. She raises her trembling hand and holds the gun to her head.
"Casey! No! Alex wouldn't want you to do this!" Amanda says desperately, her voice taking on a louder tone than she intended for it too.
Casey shakes her head again. She's crying so hard that her eyes and red and swollen. "I don't want to be here without her. I can't be."
Amanda is reaching out slowly, panic starting to set in. "Casey...I know this is hard. But this isn't the answer. Alex doesn't want you to do this, Casey!"
"I want to be with her!" Casey shouts. Then she pulls the trigger.
Amanda holds her breath, waiting for the inevitable bang of the gun.
But it doesn't come. The gun doesn't fire.
Amanda opens her eyes just in time to see Casey try again, which yields the same results. Casey looks at the gun angrily, letting out an angry cry that she failed.
Amanda realizes what happened and in the instant Casey looks at the gun, Amanda practically tackles her. Casey holds tight on the gun, elbowing Amanda in the stomach, desperate to go through with killing herself.
But Amanda puts up a good fight and has Casey pinned within seconds. Casey tries to resist but Amanda is too strong and she wrestles the gun from Casey's grip.
Casey drops her head back onto the floor with a thud, letting out an anguished cry that she's still alive and still in pain.
The safety had been on and Casey had never fired a gun before. In her haste she hadn't thought to check the safety, and that's what saved her life. As if Alex was watching over her and made sure she wasn't able to fire.
They don't speak for several minutes. Amanda is breathing rapidly, trying to come down from what just happened. She had been taken by surprise. She knew the redhead was heartbroken but had never expected her to react the way she did.
Finally Casey pulls herself up off the floor. She sits against the wall, her knees drawn to her chest and a fresh wave of tears overtaking her.
"God Amanda...it hurts so fucking much. I just want her back. I just want my Alex back!"
Amanda smiles sympathetically, tears filling her eyes as she looks at Casey. "I know, darling. What happened to Alex isn't even close to being fair. I'm so sorry, Casey."
Casey looks down at the gorgeous ring adorning her finger and it feels as if someone is squeezing her insides. "We were getting married next month...it was going to be so beautiful. We had everything ordered and planned. Alex was going to be the most beautiful bride in the world."
It was unfair. It had been the happiest time of both of their lives - getting married after four years of dating. Casey had found a beautiful dress with a tiara and couldn't wait for Alex to see it. They were less than a month away from becoming The Cabots when someone decided to leave a party and drive drunk and ended life as Casey knew it.
"I'm never taking this ring off. Ever," Casey says, her voice laced with emotion.
Amanda shakes her head. "You shouldn't. It's beautiful. Alex loved you so much, Casey. So, so much. Everyone knew that."
Casey swallows the sudden wave of nausea that rises up in her. "At the funeral, people I didn't even know kept telling me she was in a better place. How can people say that? What does that even mean? A better place? Her place was here, with me."
Amanda sighs and reaches out to touch her shoulder. "I think in those situations no one knows quite what to say. They think their sentiments are appreciated but...they just can't understand. No one can understand the pain you feel right now, Casey. No one."
Casey knows that's true. Sometimes the pain spreads across her chest like someone poking her with a hot fire poker and spreading embers in her heart. Sometimes it's in her stomach, and feels like someone is squeezing her, like she's going to vomit and never stop. And then sometimes - like now - it's all in her heart. Like everything she was has been taken from her and she will never be able to feel again.
Right now not being able to feel sounds wonderful.
"I miss her so much," Casey sobs. "How can I get through life without her? She was my everything, Amanda. Everything. I don't know how to be me without her."
Amanda moves to a sitting position and very carefully sits with her back against the wall next to Casey. "She's always with you, Casey. You know that? She's always with you."
Casey looks straight ahead, swallowing harshly again. "People always say that. But it isn't true. She isn't here. I can't feel her anymore."
Amanda picks up Casey's hand and squeezes it gently, causing Casey to turn and look at her. The sadness is Casey's eyes is profound and makes Amanda hurt way down deep inside.
"Yes, she is. You just have to know how to feel her. Every time something good happens, she's going to be there smiling. Every time you win in court she will have that Alex grin. Whenever you're sad, she'll be there too. You can talk to her. You won't be able to see her or hear her, but she will hear you."
Casey leans her head back against the wall. She's holding the heart charm on the necklace that Alex gave her for her birthday. "That's not enough. It never will be. I want to hold her, to have her hold me. I want her here. I would do anything to have her back. Anything."
"I know you would. I think any of us would," Amanda says. "But you know what? You'll be together again someday. After you've lived your life, you'll be together. She will be just as you remember her and you'll be together forever."
Casey is quiet for a moment before she looks at Amanda again. "Do you really believe that?"
Amanda nods. "Yes. I choose to believe that, Casey. I believe that as a reward for living our lives the best we can and being the best people we can be, we get forever with our soulmate. Everyone has a soulmate. A person waiting for them. Yours is Alex. She still loves you Casey, and when it's time she will be there forever."
That sounds nice - really nice. For the first time in days, Casey smiles at the thought of forever with Alex.
"For now, you can find her here," Amanda says, placing Casey's hand over her heart. "She's in your heart, Casey. Your memories. Any time you need, you can feed off that. You can know you gave her all the love you had to give and that she loved you just as much and always will. You can live the rest of your life for her. Be the best you can, make her proud. So that one day you can hold her again."
Casey closes her eyes, forcing the tears to stop. She takes several deep breathes to calm herself before speaking again.
"No one would tell me but I want you to tell me the truth, please Amanda," Casey begs and Amanda nods. "Did she suffer...before she died?"
Amanda sighs. "I wasn't there, Casey. None of us were. I got to the hospital right before you and she had already gone. The EMT that Olivia spoke to had said she was unconscious when they arrived at the scene. I don't think she felt anything. And if she did, I can bet her last thoughts were of you. That girl absolutely adored you."
Casey turns and looks at Amanda again. "Will it ever stop hurting?"
Amanda shakes her head. "No - it won't. It will get easier. But it will always hurt. Because you loved her."
Casey doesn't know how, but she knows now that she has to go on - for Alex. She has to go to work and get back to doing the work of the people, the work that Alex always said she was so good at. She has to make Alex proud of her.
The sun will rise tomorrow - without Alex. But Casey will still be here, and as long as Casey is here, a part of Alex always will be too.
Thoughts?