Hello everyone! Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long for this. Getting a start on this story is really difficult. So I might end up coming back and changing it later. I'll let you know if I do. But here's chapter 1. It might be a little boring, getting back into it, but I promise this will be the last chapter that dwells on Anna. I just had to get some closure with my favorite character and bring everyone up to date on how they were all feeling. Enjoy!
Swan Song
Chapter 1
Sirius walked up to the glass double doors cautiously, each step forward bringing him backward emotionally. He had about four steps left until he stood upon that welcome mat that he hadn't seen since Christmas day.
One, he counted in his head. The petite silhouette he normally didn't allow himself to think about popped into his mind. He ignored her and took another step.
Two, her face was becoming clearer. That beautiful, flawless face that had never failed to make him smile. It didn't let him down this time, either. At a time when smiles were few and far between, he welcomed them with open arms, even if their source brought back dark memories.
Three, "I love you," the illusion told him, the scene filling in around her. He forced his legs to carry him the last step as his mind tried to stop her. He knew what came next.
Four, he watched as a jet of green light hit her and her body went limp in his arms. He sank to his knees on the Scotts' doorstep, clenching his fists and squeezing his eyes shut. The picture went black.
He counted backward from 7 in Spanish (his coping mechanism), slowly regained control of himself and stood up carefully. He heard Lily rushing toward the door, and she flung it open crying, "are you okay?" She reached out for him and he gladly took her hand.
"I'm fine." His head was still kind of spinning, but he straightened out completely and that helped a bit.
"Where have you been? I thought you were right behind James and me?"
He sighed. "I took a pit stop to talk to Remus. He owled me earlier and I needed time to collect myself." That was partially a lie. He had needed to collect himself, but Remus had not owled asking for his company. Really, he had visited to get a moment away from Lily and James. He appreciated all they were doing for him, but Lily's constant caretaking and James' constant upbeat attitude were wearing on him. He couldn't get to annoyed, though, because owed it all to them. They had taken him in when he couldn't be on his own, and he really had gotten better because of it.
"Oh," she looked relieved. "I told you you didn't have to come if you weren't ready."
"No, I'm ready," he told her, taking a deep breath.
"Come in," she said quietly. He nodded, letting go of her hand and putting his arm around her shoulders.
Lily had been spending time at Anna's parents' house since graduation, cleaning up the mess from the attack, and trying to decide what to do with everything. The members of the Order of the Phoenix had taken every precaution they could, including drafting wills. Anna had been left everything by her parents, and in turn, she left everything to Lily and Sirius. Lily had done the best she could taking care of Mr. and Mrs. Scotts' things, but she hadn't done anything to Anna's, because she figured that was something she and Sirius needed to do together.
Sirius was glad she had cleaned up; at least it reminded him of a happier time, now. His heart raced faster and faster the closer he and Lily got to her room. He didn't feel the usual weakness coming on that he associated with thinking of her, which shocked him. James waited outside the room, and opened the door when they approached. Sirius hadn't thought he would be able to walk inside, but when the door opened and he saw her unmade bed, clothes strewn across the floor, and her scent hit him like a punch to the stomach, he became intoxicated with the thought of being near her again, in one way at least.
He walked in, mesmerized. Lily stood back in James' arms, watching him marvel at everything. He had never imagined this would have been the reaction brought on my being reminded of her so strongly. He turned around apprehensively to look at his best friends. Lily understood the look in his eyes and said, "we'll see you at home later."
"Thanks."
"Don't be too long, tomorrow is Thursday!" she said, heading toward him. Thursdays were Order meetings, and they always had a big lunch with their friends beforehand. Even Emily was coming up for this one, which was unusual, because she was usually at home taking care of her mother.
"Wouldn't miss it." He kissed her check and nodded at James. They left him alone.
He walked over to her closed Hogwarts trunk and opened it gingerly. Her never worn graduation robes sat atop the mess that was inside. He chuckled to himself. She'd never quite been the organized one in the group.
He pulled things out, one by one, taking the time to cherish each one. Her beautiful dress she'd worn for the Potter Christmas Extravaganza, his sweatshirt she always stole because she loved to wear it, her final essay of her education—she'd gotten a perfect grade and Lily hadn't even helped, a picture frame with a photograph of all of their friends sledding last winter…Only two things were missing; her wand, which all wizards were buried with, and her ring from her parents and him. He had insisted she be buried with that as well. He started to move away from the empty trunk when he spotted something else inside. An old, leather journal peeked out at him from the bottom. He picked it up and opened to the first page, hands trembling.
In Anna's 11-year old handwriting, scribbled across the front page was "JAMES POTTER AND SIRIUS BLACK, STOP READING MY DIARY!" He laughed, all apprehension dissolving, and turned the page.
"Dear diary, Sirius Black and James Potter are the most annoying people on this planet. They're always picking on me, and they think it's funny, but it's not."
The smile stayed on his face as he flipped through the book, watching as her handwriting grew more and more elegant, and one page caught his eye that he had to go back to.
"SIRIUS BLACK," it read, "I changed my mind. If I ever die and you find this, I want you to read it. Then you'll really know how much I loved you." There was only one entry after that.
His smile quivered, and he took the book, crawled into Anna's bed, and immersed himself in her writings.
Lily apparated a few seconds behind James, but they arrived at the same time, and crashed into each other, falling over.
Lily rubbed her wrist as they pulled themselves off the ground outside their flat. "I don't understand how it's possible to be so slow at apparating!" she marveled.
He narrowed his eyes at her, searching for his key in his pocket.
Lily pushed past him, hers already out.
"What would I do without you?" he asked, following her in the door.
"You would be a miserable, horny bloke."
He shut the door behind him, flipping the light on. He found Lily looking at him with a smirk on her face, and he couldn't help but to stare back. She amazed him. After graduation, Sirius had rented an apartment right next to theirs, and James checked in on him often. He wasn't doing so well, so Lily convinced James to let Sirius live with them for a while—they had an extra bedroom, after all, and they could keep an eye on him. Lily was a saint to Sirius. She gave him the independence he needed, but never let him be alone enough to get down again. Lily and James talked about Anna a lot, but Sirius wasn't ready to yet. They hoped that would change, because they thought it would help him. But Lily had been so strong through all of this, and made James jealous. She laughed at him staring at her, and he sighed. He could have sworn she had grown even more beautiful in the last month. Maybe it was just the change he had seen in her, though. She had come to embrace everything in life, not waste one moment, and had let her hair down a bit. It was as though when Anna left the Earth, she left part of herself within Lily, and James loved every minute of it.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked him, taking note of his goofy grin.
"How perfect you are," he replied, taking a step toward her.
She blushed.
"There it is! I thought the blush was gone forever!" he stroked her cheek. "I'm glad it's not. I wonder if you still blush when I do…this!" He pulled his t-shirt over his head.
Instead of looking away, she took a moment to fully appreciate his well-sculpted physique. "I think I'm the luckiest girl on Earth." Her eyes met his.
"No, I am."
"What? The luckiest girl on Earth?" She giggled. "Sirius won't be home for a while, and we aren't expecting Emily until morning…"
He took her hint and her hand and practically ran to the bedroom.
"James," Lily whispered.
He opened his eyes, taking note that dawn was just beginning to break. He rolled on to his back. "What is it, Lil?"
"I can't sleep." She snuggled in to his side.
"Thinking about Anna?"
"Always. But now I'm feeling guilty."
"Why? You didn't do anything!"
"I know, I know, but I should be miserable right now. That's not how I feel. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. My best friend is dead, and I'm happy. How wrong is that?"
"Not wrong at all. Anna was all about celebrating life. That's all you're doing. Our time, like hers, is limited. Do you think we should be spending it moping?"
"Of course not. Do you think Sirius is doing okay?"
"Yes. I think he'd come home if we wasn't. He depends on you so much. You've been just perfect with him, Lil. I know that you're hurting, but you put it aside to help him." He rubbed his fingernails up and down her arm.
"We're supposed to take care of each other," she sounded slightly embarrassed at the praise. "You're handling it well too," she pointed out.
"I've had a lot of loss in my life. My grandparents, my mother…I guess I'm just getting used to it."
"That's awful. Can we talk about something happier?"
"What do you have in mind?"
"Remember the night after Anna…" she trailed off, still unable to say the words aloud.
"How could I forget? It was the first time we…" he mimicked her sentence.
Lily gave Sirius one last squeeze before crawling out of his bed to find James who had left ten minutes earlier. They'd been laying there for almost 24 hours, consumed by their grief. She stumbled slightly on a shoe that was left in the middle of the room because her vision was blurred by tears. She made her way to the entrance of the Head Dorm and pressed her hand to the wall. James was nowhere in sight, so she assumed he was in his bedroom. Without knocking, she let herself in, and saw that he was tearing apart an old shirt, facing away from her.
She walked up behind him silently, and grabbed his arms, easing them down. Her cold touch made him jump, but immediately relieved the anger he had been feeling. He dropped the white scraps of fabric and turned to Lily with a hungry look in his eyes. He kissed her so forcefully that she was pushed back against the wall, and in response, she wrapped her arms around him tightly, pressing her body close, and returned the kiss just as eagerly. Neither of them said a word, but took all of their unexpressed feelings about the killing out in physical passion.
When James woke up the next morning, Lily wasn't next to him, but he heard the water running in their bathroom, and heard her sweet voice singing a melancholy tune. He stretched out, yawning, and rubbing his eyes that were still raw from crying and trying to hold back tears. He was warm, and tried to disentangle himself from the sheets, but Lily walked out of the bathroom as he was struggling with them, wrapped in her towel, and he became distracted.
She crawled on the bed next to him and sat over him, long wet hair dripping on his bare chest.
"You were singing."
"It seemed appropriate." She tried to smile again, and it came out as a small grin.
"Lily, the whole thing with Clara, I just want you to know—"
"Shh. I know. I think I knew the whole time. I just had these deep-rooted confidence issues that part of me wanted to prove right. There are more important things than that. I see that now."
He hugged her as her chin quivered.
"What are you planning to do after graduation?"
"I was going to take that job, but I'm beginning to think that working for the Order is my first priority right now. But I need the money. I'll probably rent an apartment, too."
He pushed himself up so he was sitting against the headboard. "I have a proposal to put on the table."
She straightened out too. "I'm willing to negotiate."
"I can't be away from you. Not as long as I know what's out there. My parents have had a fund set up for me since before I was born, and there is plenty of money in there. I promise to support you and give you everything you want and need so you don't have to work and we can dedicate ourselves to the Order. If, and here's the one condition, you let me move in with you."
She looked at him for a moment, biting her lip. Ever-confident James didn't feel so sure of himself suddenly. This was a bad time to bring this up, he scolded himself, what if she doesn't want to live with me?
He studied her face as she kept him in suspense longer. When she finally spoke, he had already resigned himself to moving in with Sirius.
"There's nothing I would like more than that, James."
James turned his head toward Lily, snapping out of the memory. "You made me the happiest I've ever been, at one of the saddest times I've ever had. I see what you mean. But Anna would have wanted us to be happy."
"Everyone keeps saying that, but how can you be sure?"
James hesitated before he spoke. "We talked about it once."
Lily sat up quickly, a confused look on her face. "What are you talking about?"
"One time, I went to Anna to talk about troubles we were having in our relationship. We talked about how important you are to us, and we swore to each other we'd do everything we could to protect you and keep you happy if the other one passed. That's all."
She could see he didn't want to go into detail with her. Why, she wasn't sure, but she trusted his judgment. She sighed, relaxing back down under the covers. "That makes it better, at least, knowing that."
"Think you could sleep now?" James asked, his eyes yearning to be closed again.
"Probably not. But I'll let you get a few more hours." She started to get up.
"Where are you going?"
"To see Sirius." She wrapped her cloak around her shoulders.
"You're not going by yourself," he started to get out of bed too, and they heard a loud crack, causing them to grab their wands and position themselves toward the door.
James walked cautiously toward the door, and was about to open it and fire a spell when they heard a knock and "it's me!" Without waiting for an answer, Sirius barged in.
Lily remembered to breathe, and James muttered, "bastard."
"What have we told you about walking in here without our permission?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's not like you'd be in the middle of anything."
James, still holding his wand, fired a tongue-tying curse at him. Sirius couldn't get any coherent words out.
"Serves him right," James said when Lily gave him a pointed look. She rolled her eyes too, and performed the counter curse.
Sirius grinned broadly at James, taunting him.
"Why are you back so early?" James asked.
Sirius' grin didn't disappear. "I'm ready to talk about it."