The Mad, Mad Misadventures of Adam Dodge

by Captain Dodge

After a nasty head injury, Captain Dodge wakes up to find himself... in Royal Woods!

Author's Note: Hey-ho, it's me – Captain D! You would not believe what I've just been through!

Okay, so, to start out, I was just at home, doing the things I do, when this guy bursts in, super p.o'ed. I mean, I'm talking steam-from-the-ears mad. It was kinda funny. I asked him if I could help him, and he starts ranting about how some of my kids mugged him. I asked Josephine if this was true, and she admitted it, like a responsible girl. She felt bad, but said she and the others only wanted to eat today. (It's my fault – I haven't written anything lately, so the money hasn't been coming in. Damn writer's block…)

Anyways, I try to mediate the situation, right? I talk to the guy calmingly, trying to apologize and explain for my kids, but he's just not having it. He might have been having a bad day before all this, I don't know. But, anyway, so, he has this beer bottle in his hand, right? Well, when my back is turned, and I'm asking Josie to return the man's cash, he takes it and smashes it over my head, knocking me to the floor and just making an awful mess. (Which was so incredibly rude of him. I mean, broken glass everywhere. It's my house – who's gotta clean that up? Me, that's who! I've got kids running around in here!)

Anyways, I'm lying on the floor, bleeding, and the last thing I see before my vision fades is my kids all attacking the guy Zerg-style, you know? Then everything went dark, and then this happened…

(…)

The first thing I realized was that my head was throbbing like morning wood. (I know, I know, sounds like a weird analogy. But think about it; blood's getting pumped into both of them, and they both kinda hurt, right?)

The second thing I realized was that I was on the ground, somewhere. Where, I didn't know, but I was too dazed and confused to think about that right away. All I knew was, I didn't particularly feel like getting up even if I felt I could.

So, I lay there, semi-conscious, for who knows how long, until my ears picked up the sound of a door opening and footsteps coming out of it approaching me, then stopping.

"Um… mister?" an oddly familiar voice called out. "You okay?"

Seeing as how I was lying face-down on what appeared to be a sidewalk, I assumed they were referring to me. Still, I had yet to recover enough to answer.

"…Hello?" the voice said, a little fearfully.

Once again, I could not bring myself to respond.

The footsteps came closer. From the sounds of them, I figured that they were two people, with the other yet to speak up. However, he quickly broke his silence, asking quietly, in an effeminate voice, "Is he dead…?"

"I… Jeez, I-I dunno… Try poking him…"

"I'm not gonna poke him – you poke him!"

"No, you poke him! Jeez, you're so squeamish…"

"Well, if you're so not squeamish, then why don't you do it, huh?"

"I…! Look, you don't have to do it with your finger, okay?! Just… nudge him with your foot!"

The man growled frustratedly. "Oh my gosh…!" Sighing, he took one timid step forward, then two, then I felt a force strike my foot and reverberate up my leg. The physical stimulation was enough impetus to draw my voice out of me.

"Mmmnohhhhhhh…"

The effeminate man gasped. "He's not dead!" He ran over to my side and grabbed my arm. "C'mon, help him up!"

The other person, a woman by the sound of it, rushed to my other side and grabbed my other arm. Together, they slowly lifted me off the ground and onto my unsteady feet, which I had recovered enough of my mental faculties to mutter a slurred "Thank you…" to.

"Easy, mister…" the woman said. "Can you stand?"

"Uhhh… Ho-Holl'on, lemme try…"

Mercifully, the two strangers walked me over to a nearby streetlight for me to lean against in case I couldn't stand. Then, with no small amount of trepidation, they let me go. I wobbled on my feet, waving my arms around to balance, then placed one hand on the street lamp, steadying myself as I regained my bearings. All the while, the pulsing in my head continued. I hung my head and massaged my temples with one hand, groaning.

"Ohhhh… My head…"

"Are you all right?" the woman asked.

"Mmm… Yeah… 's all coming back to me, now…" I lifted my head, slowly opening my eyes, adjusting to the bright light. "This guy broke into my house, and he hit me over the head with –"

It was only now that I became truly aware of my surroundings. "W… Wait…" I looked around. "…Where is my house? Where am I?"

The man gnawed on his lower lip worriedly. "Oh, no – he has amnesia!"

"No, no, I don't have amnesia! I just got hit over the head and, I guess, knocked out – I distinctly remember that! I just don't know how I got here –" As I looked at my two Good Samaritans, my eyes nearly popped. That beauty mark…! That hair…! "W-Wait… I know you…" I raised a shaky finger to each of them in turn. "Miguel…? Fiona…?"

Miguel and Fiona both stepped back, clearly unnerved by my knowledge of them. "Okay, uh…" Fiona said, "…have we met? Because we never told you our names, and I'm sure we never mentioned them while you were in earshot…"

"I know you! I know you from the –" I happened upon something – something strange, and incredible. "Wait… If you're here…" I lit up and rushed at Miguel, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Tell me! Where am I? What city is this?"

Naturally, Miguel was taken aback by my advance upon him, but he managed to reply, "Wha –? I – R-Royal Woods! You're in Royal Woods!"

"Royal Woods…" I released Miguel and started looking around for any familiar landmarks. There, off to my right, was the clothing store that had the pop-up sale in "Everybody Loves Leni". And off to my left, way down the street, I could see the Chortle Portal, from "No Laughing Matter"!

My eyes widened, and my mouth dropped open. "No… fucking… way…"

I didn't want to believe it, but I couldn't deny it:

I was in The Loud House!

Not the Loud house, but The Loud House! The show itself!

A joyous grin spread across my face, and I began laughing with glee. "I… I can't believe it…! I'm in Royal Woods…! Royal Woods…! Ha, HA, hahahaha!"

Fiona and Miguel were, as you might guess, quite disturbed by my sudden outburst. "Uh, yeah, it's Royal Woods," Fiona said. "Don't know what you're so excited about – I mean, it's a nice town, but it's not, say, L.A.…"

I ignored her and continued raving. "Oh, Oh my God… I-I can actually meet them! I can actually, finally meet the Louds!"

"'Louds'?" Miguel said. "Wait, is he talking about Leni's family…?"

"Oh, man…! If I could get their autographs, it'd be like Christmas for me and the others! Just wait until Josie sees them, she's gonna –"

The realization crashed into me like an 18-wheeler, and my elation vanished. "…Oh my God! Josie! The kids! They're still back at home, and I'm here, a whole world away!" I chuckled sardonically. "Now, why does that sound familiar…?"

"Uhh… Maybe we should take a look at that head injury…" Fiona said.

In my determination, I neglected her. I already abandoned my children once – I was not going to make the same mistake again!

I had to find my way back. I had to get home.

I turned back to Miguel and Fiona, having finally remembered them. "Listen, thank you for your assistance, but I have to be going now – there's no time to lose!"

But before I could rush off, Fiona grabbed me by the arms. "No! You need to come with us! You're clearly not in your right mind – you need help!"

I gently but firmly pried her hands off of me. "Indeed, I do." I looked her square in the eyes with a steely determination. "But there's only one person in Royal Woods who can help me now!"

And with that, I rushed off in the opposite direction, down the street…

…only to return a few moments later, rubbing the back of my head and looking sheepish. "Uh, well, make that three people – could you tell me how to get to Franklin Avenue from here?"

The look Fiona and Miguel gave me could only be described as indescribable – they were clearly at their wits' end trying to make sense of the events unfolding in front of them. "Uh…" Miguel pointed down the street in the opposite direction. "Go down five blocks that way, make a right –"

"Uh, Miguel?" Fiona said. "Maybe… don't tell him, okay?"

I waved the matter away. "Oh, you know what? I can just map it on my phone." I whipped out my phone and opened the map app. "Let's see, '1216 Frank' – Ah! Here we are! '1216 Franklin Avenue, Royal Woods, MI'! Got it! Thanks anyway! Bye!"

And with that, I rushed off in the opposite opposite direction, down the street, leaving an utterly bewildered Fiona and Miguel behind…

(…)

A hop, skip, and a jump later, I found myself traipsing through Royal Woods' suburban area, carefully following the directions my phone provided me. "Okay, it should be around this bend… aha!"

There it was, right down the street – the home of the family that was so near and dear to my heart. Letting out a glad whoop, I rushed down Franklin Avenue, my legs not being able to carry me quickly enough. Before long, I was standing on the front porch of 1216 Franklin Avenue – the Loud house!

I bounced on my toes, barely able to contain my excitement. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh…!" I whispered as I reached for the doorbell. As I pressed it, I felt a powerful jolt race through my body, making me jump three feet in the air (and certainly not doing any favors for my already-hammering heart).

I stood stunned and slightly singed, blinking. "Whoa…" Suddenly, it occurred to me. "Oh, right, the faulty doorbell. I remember now." I sighed wistfully. "Season One… feels like ages ago…"

I only needed to wait a few moments more before a certain little boy with freckles, a chipped front tooth, and a head of white hair answered the door. I looked down at Lincoln Loud, and with a squeal, I unleashed my fanboyish glee.

"Eeeee! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my GOSH!" I sputtered. "Lincoln! It's you! It's really you…! Oh my gosh, I can't believe it…! You look exactly like you do on the show! That's so weird, right? I mean, it's 2-D, and here we are, in 3-D, and…" I looked past him into the house. "Oh my gosh, the house…! It looks exactly the same! Where are your sisters?" That question snapped me out of fanboy mode. "Oh, right, your sisters!" I knelt down to Lincoln's level. "Listen, Lincoln – I need your help! Well, not your help specifically, but your family's help! I need Lisa to build me a machine that can transport me across dimensions and get me back to my world!"

(In retrospect, my unadulterated excitement from being in the hit show of which I was a huge fan, combined with the confusion from my head trauma, probably didn't do me any favors in the appearance of sanity department, so I can't fault the Louds for reacting the way they did. But back to the story.)

Lincoln stared at me with big, baffled eyes, unsure how to respond to my long tirade.

"Is it him?" asked a voice from inside that I recognized as Lori's.

Never once looking away from me, Lincoln turned his head back slightly. "…Yeah, it's him," he responded.

At once, Lori came out from the living room, smiling a bit too widely. "Okay, mister," she said, turning me around and walking me down the porch steps, "we're just going to take a little ride really quick, and –"

"I get to ride in Vanzilla?!" I exclaimed.

Lori blinked, momentarily taken aback. "Uh, y-yeah, Vanzilla, right… Uh, d-don't worry! We'll take you to where you need to be, okay?"

"Huh?" I said. "But… this is where I need to be…"

"No, no, no, now come along…"

"But Lori, I need help!"

"Yes, you certainly do…" Lori muttered under her breath, quite obviously thinking I couldn't hear her. "And that's what we're doing, sir – we're helping you!" she said, louder.

"But I need help from –" I stopped letting Lori push me towards Vanzilla. I was only then realizing that something wasn't right. "Wait a minute…" I turned to face her. "Have you… been expecting me?"

Lori's grin widened uncomfortably, and her eyes darted this way and that. "W-What? No! No, of course not! That'd be silly! Your head injury must be getting the better of you…"

That only made me more skeptical. "How did you know I had a head injury?"

Lori started tapping her fingertips together, and her suspicious grin disappeared. "Um… uh…"

I shook my head – there was definitely something fishy going on. "All right, you know what? I'm getting to the bottom of this. Is there someone else in the house I can talk to –?"

I started to walk past Lori, but she blocked my path again. "No! No, no, no, no-one else is in there!"

I deadpanned at her. "Really."

"Really!"

Sighing, I called out, "Hey, Leni! Who else besides Lincoln is in there?"

"Everyone! Lynn, Luna, Li – MMPH?!" Leni replied before her sisters managed to silence her.

That's what I thought, I thought. "All right, that does it – I'm coming in!"

Thus determined, I shoved past a desperate Lori. "No…!" She looked over my shoulder. "Guys!"

I had hardly stepped into the Loud residence when, like a red lightning bolt, Lynn rushed at me, grabbed my arm, twisted it, turned me around, and slammed me into the wall face-first.

"Ow! Hey!" I wanted to struggle, but the amount of torque Lynn was applying to my arm behind my back convinced me otherwise. I turned my head as far back as I could to look at her. "You… are even stronger than I thought, Lynn…" I said.

In response, Lynn twisted my arm even harder, making me cry out, before grabbing me by the hair and mashing my face against the wall. "All right, that's it!" she said. "Who are you, and how do you know so much about us?!"

I looked at the other Louds, who were clearly expecting answers as well. It was only after seeing Leni and Lily's frightened faces that I realized just how bad of a first impression I had made upon them. Here I was, barging into their home and calling them by their names without any of them ever having even met me before – why wouldn't they be freaked out?

I closed my eyes, sighing. "If I could jufht exflain…?" I said, my words distorted due to my face being in the wall.

Lynn mashed my face into the wall harder. "You'd better!"

I slowly turned my head, fighting Lynn's resistance in spite of my scalp screaming in pain. "Wifhout being shmooshed againsht the wall?"

Lynn looked at her siblings, then closed her eyes, considering it. Finally, she released me, and I turned to face the group, shaking and rubbing my arm.

"Talk," Lynn said, folding her arms.

"Yeah!" Lola added. "And no funny business!"

"That's my job! Hahahahaha!" Luan laughed. "But seriously – don't try anything!"

"I won't!" I started pacing back and forth, scratching my head, and muttering to myself. "Okay, um… let's see, how do I put this in a way you'll understand…? Hmmm…" I wracked my brain looking for an explanation, trying to think through the now-dull but still present headache, until finally, after no small amount of effort, it occurred to me.

I snapped my fingers. "Ah!" I pointed at Lincoln. "Lincoln! You know those Ace Savvy comics of yours?"

Lincoln furrowed his brow, deeply disturbed by my knowledge of him. "Yeah…?"

"Imagine that you were in those comics. Not self-inserting as Ace Savvy, but as yourself. As Lincoln Loud. What if you were in the comic book's universe?"

Lincoln scratched his chin, thinking about it. "Hmmm…" He shrugged. "…I guess I'd be amazed… and also sorta confused. But how would I have gotten into the comic's universe?"

"Not the point." I jabbed a thumb at myself. "That's pretty much what's happened to me."

"You're in a comic book?" Leni said.

I shook my head. "No, no, you don't understand." I sighed – I kinda saw this coming, but I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant, which was why I avoided it for as long as I could. "Okay, guys… this is going to sound crazy to you, but –"

"Dude, everything you've said so far has sounded crazy to us," Luna said.

"I know. But it's the truth." Taking a deep breath and pausing for dramatic effect, I laid it out for them:

"Where I come from… Royal Woods doesn't exist."

An awkward silence fell over the house as the Louds took in this revelation. After a minute, someone finally spoke up.

"…Huh?" Lynn said.

I could see that the others were just as confused. So, I elaborated. "You see, I come from a universe where Royal Woods, the towns surrounding it, and all the people living in them, don't exist anywhere other than the TV."

"The TV?" Lincoln said.

I nodded. "That's right. In my universe… you all are characters in a TV cartoon."

The Louds stared blankly at me for what felt like ages.

Then, all at once, they burst into laughter.

Some of them doubled over, others held their hands to their cheeks or foreheads or over their eyes or mouths, but all of them (with the notable exception of Lisa) laughed uproariously. Sighing, I let them enjoy the moment at my expense, albeit reluctantly, until their laughter appeared to be drying up.

"…Are you done now?" I asked.

"No," Lori said.

And then, the laughter resumed, somehow even harder than before. I rolled my eyes and scowled – no-one likes being laughed at mean-spiritedly – but said nothing.

After a while, the Louds' fit of hysterics died down again, now truly having run its course. Lori wiped a tear out of her eye and struggled to form words again. "Ha… Ha, ha… Ha… That… Hahahaha… Th-That is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard!"

"It's true!" I said indignantly.

"Puh-leeze!" Lynn scoffed. "As if anyone would want to watch a show about us!"

"Well, why not? Even if you didn't have, say, a rock star, a comedienne, an all-star athlete, or a super-genius among you…" I gestured to each of the Louds to whom those labels applied. "…in a family as big as yours, there's never a dull moment!"

That managed to impact the Louds. "…Hm," Luan said. "He has a point."

"And Lincoln!" I turned to the eleven-year-old. "You've spoken with people that you probably couldn't see many times before, haven't you? Who did you think you were talking to?"

Lincoln looked at me, confused. "Huh…? Wha – Wait, you mean that thing I do where I talk to an imaginary audience? I just do that to blow off steam and vent my thoughts! You're telling me I was actually talking to people?!"

"Yes – people like me, who were watching your show!"

Lynn stepped up, shaking her head. "Okay, I don't even know why we even bothered letting you run your mouth off in the first place, pal, but that's it. Time's up." She started pushing me towards the door. "It's off to the psychiatric ward with you now!"

"Hey –!" I braced my hands and feet against the door frame, resisting her force as best I could. "Nnngh…! Listen to me! It's true – how else could I have known so much personal information about you?"

"Clearly, you're just another stalker!" Lynn started pushing harder. "Now come on – out!"

I strained to keep my grip on the doorway, but my hands were starting to slip. "Rrrgh…! I'm not a stalker! I've never physically been anywhere near you all before! Ask anyone – they'll tell you that they've never seen me before in their lives! Check the city records; birth certificates; hack a government database if you have to! You'll find nothing on me! No paperwork! NO documentation! I'm not from this world! But I still know you – in my world, you all star in a TV show that I love! That's how I know so much about you!"

Lynn, bullheaded as ever, was unconvinced. Turning her head to look over her shoulder, she said, "C'mon, guys, help me out here!"

Lori, Luna, and Lola moved in to help her, and I knew I wouldn't be able to fight them for long, no matter how hard I tried. I knew that I had to convince them that what I was saying was the truth in the scant few seconds I had before they overpowered me. How, though – ay, there was the rub. I closed my eyes, and went into "superthink" mode.

Time seemed to slow to a standstill, as it always does when I go into "superthink" mode, and I began rapidly shuffling through ideas. This one? Nah. That one? No. How to convince them, how to convince them…? Think, think, think, think, THINK…! What if…? What if… it was something REALLY private? Like, something NO-ONE else could have known about them? A personal matter? Sure, the show revolved around those! But what? There's so many to choose from – WAIT! Wait, wait, wait! Where am I in the show's timeline? I could be where the show is now, or I could be back in Season 2, or Season 1, even! Heck, it could be from before the show even STARTED! Sure, I met Miguel and Fiona, but theoretically, they would have existed even BEFORE they were introduced, right? Or… do the seasons even show the timeline in order?!

During my rapid brainstorming session, the other Loud sisters had been slowly running up to Lynn and I (or so it seemed, in "superthink" time), and at this point, they finally caught up and started pushing me as well, so I had to come up with something fast, before my strength gave out. Okay, okay, okayokayokay, so, I don't know exactly WHEN I am, so… better play it safe. Something from Season 1. Preferably EARLY in Season 1. But what? "Left in the Dark"? I could bring up Lincoln's little basement adventure… "Driving Miss Hazy"? Talking about teaching Leni how to drive? Hmm, the less people know the matter, the better… Come on, come on, come ON…! "The Sweet Spot"? "Project Loud House"? "Space Invader"? No, no, NO…! Rrrrrgh…! Wait… Wait! I'VE GOT IT!

By now, I was holding onto the door frame by my fingertips, and those were about to give way, too. Just as Lynn and the others managed to shove me out the door, I shouted:

"That's…! That's how I know about Princess Pony!"

I tumbled down onto my stomach, but as I sprang back to my feet, I found that no-one was trying to move me towards Vanzilla, or at least slamming the door in my face. Instead, perturbed by my last outburst, they all stared at me curiously.

Lincoln stepped forward. "…What did you say?"

I straightened my vest. "That's right. I know how Lincoln missed his Ace Savvy convention once because he was grounded for clogging the toilet with a Princess Pony book."

Lola's face lit up with amusement. "Oh yeah, that!" She and the other sisters burst out laughing again, while Lincoln folded his arms and pouted. "Ah… So what?" she continued once she and the others were done. "That's no secret."

"What?!" Lincoln shouted.

Lola looked a little guilty, like she had said too much. "Um… I may have told some of my friends on the playground, and who knows who else they told…"

Lincoln buried his face in his hands. "Oh, no…"

"Well, tell your friends that you were wrong," I said, "because Lincoln was just covering for someone else!"

The bombshell I dropped stunned everyone – Lincoln in particular, as I watched his eyes grow to the size of dinner plates. Lucy's reaction was understated, as befitted a stoic girl like her, but looking closely, I could see that she was trembling.

After the brief moment of shock had passed, Lynn, who seemed to have taken up the role of the resident skeptic, said, "O-Oh yeah? Well, who is it, then? Who's the Princess Pony lover? Huh?"

"Uh…" I glanced at Lucy, then quickly looked away again, hoping no-one had seen where I was looking. "I… They wouldn't want me to say. B-But Lincoln knows!"

Everyone looked at Lincoln, who sighed and shook his head. "Fine, then. Tell me who it is who reads Princess Pony."

"All right. But, uh…" I began to turn around, and beckoned him outside. He and his sisters shared a concerned glance, then he started to follow me – but not before Lori put a hand on his shoulder, silently communicating to him that if I tried anything, they'd be ready for action. Lincoln overlapped his hand with hers, nodded, then followed me out onto the lawn.

Taking one last glance at the sisters to make sure they were a safe distance away, I stooped down… and whispered Lucy's name in Lincoln's ear.

As I straightened back up, Lincoln looked up at me with naked fear in his eyes. "H… how…?" he said in a quavering voice.

I folded my arms. "Now do you believe me?"

The sisters huddled together, worried by the look on Lincoln's face. "W… Well?" Lori said. "Was he right?"

Lincoln turned back to them and weakly nodded. "He… He's right…"

The sisters all gasped, and looked back and forth at each other. "Well…" Lola said, "Well, it's not me!"

"It's not me, either!" Luan said.

"And it can't possibly be me…" Lucy said.

An argument broke out between the sisters as to who was the Princess Pony lover, which I shook my head at. The last thing I wanted to do was cause strife, but it seemed that that was unavoidable. Lincoln's astonishment turned to anger, and he said, "That… That is intimate information! How do you know that?!"

"Come on, Lincoln," I said, "you watch TV, read comic books – you know that there's no privacy in fiction! We peek through the fourth wall and watch stories unfold – and that's what happened with your little investigation! It was an episode of the show!" I looked him dead in the eyes. "Can you think of a better explanation?"

Lincoln stared dumbfounded at me for a few moments before he shook his head in resignation – clearly, he couldn't. Sighing again, he turned back to his bickering sisters and whistled loudly, grabbing their attention.

"You guys…" Lincoln looked at me, then shook his head. "Ugh, I can't believe I'm saying this, but… you guys, I…" He slumped his shoulders, sighing in defeat. "…I think he's telling the truth."

The sisters immediately started murmuring amongst themselves heatedly, in denial over the facts. I couldn't say that I blamed them – I'd probably react the same way if it was proven to me that I was a fictional character in someone else's world.

"G… Guys," Lynn said, "come on. This is a joke – it's got to be a joke!" She turned to Luan and pointed at her accusingly. "Luan! Is this another one of your dumb pranks?!"

Luan shook her head. "Believe me, sis, I wish I could come up with a prank like this – it's out of this world! Hahahahaha! Get it? But seriously, I didn't set this up."

Lynn looked into her eyes and knew she wasn't kidding. She then turned to her most intelligent sister. "L-Lisa! There's no way you believe any of this, right? Come on! Tell this nutbar that there's no such thing as alternate universes!"

Lisa stepped out of the crowd, walking towards me and scratching her chin curiously. "Actually…" she said, "…it is possible."

Lynn's eyes bulged out of their sockets. "What?!"

"I'm quite familiar with multiverse theory. It's an untested, highly theoretical interpretation of quantum mechanics, but science is built on possibilities, which are then tested in a rational, methodical manner. As multiverse theory is untested, it is an untenable theory. However, as long as the possibility is there, it cannot be disregarded." Lisa eyed me up and down. "Therefore… it is entirely possible that this individual did indeed come from a universe where we are fictional characters."

The other Loud sisters stared helplessly at the two of us, at their wits' end. After a while, Lynn managed to find her voice. "S-So… So, what? We're not real, is that what you're saying?"

"In my universe, you're not," I said. "But in this universe, you are."

"So… we're real, and we're also not real?" Leni said. "But… how can we be both at the same time? If we're not real, then how can we, like, exist? Do we exist? I feel like we exist, so that must mean we're real. But we're also not real, so we can't exist, and… and…" She pressed her hands against the sides of her head. "Oh… my head…!"

Lisa chuckled. "Seems we're a clowder of Schrödinger's cats…"

"And now we're cats?!" Leni fell to her knees. "AAAAH! Make it stop!"

Everyone, myself included, laughed. Leni was, quite honestly, dumb as a bag of hammers, but that's why we loved her. "Okay, Lisa," I said, "let's not get too philosophical or scientific. I think we've confused everyone else enough." I swept my gaze across all the Louds. "Point is, whether on the TV or in person… you're real to me."

All the Loud children – even Lynn – were moved by my words. "A touching sentiment," Lisa said, "and one that is much appreciated. However, there is something that I am most curious about: if what you said is true, then how did you travel from your universe to ours?"

"I don't know. I got into a fight, got knocked out, and when I woke up, I was here. Weird…"

Lisa scratched her chin contemplatively. "Hmmm… Intriguing… Perhaps unbinding the unconscious mind is the key to interuniversal travel…"

I shook my head. "Look, I can't sit here and try to figure out exactly how I got here. What I need to do is figure out how to get back." I put my hands on Lisa's shoulders. "And for that, I need your help, Lisa."

"What makes you think I can help you?" asked Lisa, who was a little annoyed by the physical contact.

"You're Lisa Loud – you can do anything!"

Lisa pushed her glasses up by the bridge. "Your attempt at flattery is recognized for what it is, but appreciated all the same. Be that as it may, I'm still unsure as to why I should help you…"

I clasped my hands together. "Please, Lisa – I have a family back in my universe! They're barely scraping by even with me – how do you think they'll fare now that their breadwinner is stranded in another world? Isn't family the most important thing in the world, Lisa?"

Lisa glanced at her family with the same nonchalant expression she normally wore, but even though she valued them most as test subjects, I was sure that she still loved them with all her heart. "Hm… I suppose…"

"And besides, I don't know any other resident super-geniuses around here!" I supplicated myself before the child prodigy. "Please, Lisa… You're my only hope…"

Lisa said nothing in response, and when I finally looked up at her, I only saw that same curious expression on her face. Eventually, she closed her eyes, turned her back to me, and started walking back towards the house. I hung my head in utter despair. That was it, I thought – I would never see my world or my children again.

That was what I thought. Then Lisa looked back over her shoulder and said, "…Well? Are you coming, sir?"

My face lit up with jubilation, and I sprang to my feet. "Oh, thank you!" I said. "Thank you so, so much, Lisa!"

"I should be the one thanking you, Mister…?"

"Oh! Oh, gosh, I haven't even introduced myself yet, have I? Excuse me, it's just that I was so excited to meet you all, and, and…" I stopped, cleared my throat, and respectfully doffed my hat to the Louds. "Adam Dodge, at your service. You can call me Adam. Or Dodge. Or Captain Dodge, if you like."

"'Captain' Dodge?" Luna said.

I nodded, my gaze dropping and my face turning somber. "It's a sad, sad story…"

The Loud siblings exchanged bemused glances. "Oh-kayyy…" Lola said.

"Mm-hmm…" My smile returned. "Anyways, can I come in?"

"I…" Lincoln, who had by now rejoined his sisters, stepped aside. "I guess…"

The other sisters stepped aside to allow me access to the house as well – all except for Lynn, who was now quite confused as to what to do. "I…" she said, standing in the doorway as I came up to her. "I…"

Lisa sighed. "Lynn…" She gestured to me. "…is this any way to treat a guest?"

"I…!" Lynn looked at her other siblings for support, but they had decided by now that I was not a threat, and when she looked at me, I raised my eyebrows at her, silently asking her permission to come in. She deliberated on the matter for a short while before giving in, but not without some grumbling.

I nodded at her in thanks, then followed Lisa up the stairs. "As I was saying," Lisa continued, "your arrival was most fortuitous, Mr. Dodge…"

"Captain Dodge."

"Whatever. As it so happens, I have recently created a miniature wormhole generator. I originally designed it for the purposes of time travel, but I may be able to use it to build a bridge back to your universe."

"Really?" I said as we came to Lisa and Lily's room. Inside, there was a machine that I assumed was the wormhole generator. "Wow, that's… convenient…"

"Indeed. Now, are you familiar with wormholes?"

I nodded. "I am. Black holes that link with each other to form passageways through spacetime, right?"

Lisa blinked, not expecting this. "Ah, i-indeed…" She cleared her throat. "Well, theoretically, wormholes can serve as 'gateways' to other universes, although one would have to be capable of traveling through the wormholes safely in order to reach these universes. Now, my machine is capable of generating stable wormholes that can be passed through safely; however, it is only capable of creating wormholes into the past or future. But if we were to use matter from another universe, such as your own… then we may be able to form a wormhole to that universe." She looked me in the eyes. "I'm going to need some of your hair."

"My hair?" I said, taken aback. After a thought about it, though, I understood. "Oh! Oh, I see – matter from another universe! All right…" I started raking my fingers through my hair to gather any loose strands, but Lisa shook her head and handed me a pair of safety scissors. Sighing, I took the scissors and cut off a lock of hair from the top of my head, as my hat would cover it up, and handed it to Lisa.

Lisa put my hair in a petri dish, then said, "I'm also going to need a blood sample."

Sighing, I rolled up my sleeve and allowed Lisa to draw blood from my arm, which she emptied into another petri dish. She then took a test tube and said, "I'm also going to need a stool sample."

"Stool sample? I –" I looked at Lisa warily. "Wait a minute, Lisa, is this for the wormhole generator or your poop studies?"

Lisa stared at me for a few moments, then looked away. "…Tch. You know me too well. As a matter of fact, this is the perfect opportunity to study the fecal matter of beings from other universes."

"Mm-hmm, that's what I thought. Well, sorry to disappoint you, Lisa, but I'm afraid I don't have to go right now."

Sighing disappointedly, Lisa put the test tube back. "Dang it. Oh well. If you get the urge, do let me know, will you?"

"Uh… sure, Lisa…" Just then, something occurred to me. "Hey, something occurred to me just now – the universe is a big place, right? How do I know that this wormhole will drop me in the same place I left? Or even the same planet? The same galaxy?"

"That is something that I will have to program into the machine. Using the molecules in your donated matter, I will be able to pinpoint the exact time and place that you left."

"R-Really? You can do that?"

Lisa smirked. "It is as you said. I'm Lisa Loud – I can do anything." She started interfacing with the machine. "It will take time, however. So, if I may be allowed some privacy…?"

"Oh, of course, of course." I started backing out of the room. "Take your time, Lisa. Or, you know, don't, because, you know, I'm kinda in a hurry, but, I mean, don't rush it and get sloppy, or anything… Er, no pressure…"

Lisa looked at me over her shoulder. "I will have the wormhole generator ready as soon as possible. I will call you as soon as it is ready."

"Thank you, Lisa."

And with that, I backed into the hallway, pulling the door closed so that Lisa could work in peace, leaving me face to face with the rest of the Loud family.

An awkward silence ensued. As I rubbed the back of my head, Lynn turned to Lori."Lori,"she said, can we have a quick sibling meeting?"

"S-Sure, Lynn." Lori looked at me. "Uh, do you mind, Adam…?"

I shook my head. "Oh, not at all. I know all about your sibling meetings."

Lori chuckled nervously. "Right… Uh, come on, guys."

She led the others into her and Leni's room, and I waited patiently in the hallway. I heard some whispered discussion from inside the room, which I couldn't make out entirely, but I knew that they were talking about me. They probably still didn't trust me.

After a while, they came back out with nervous smiles on their faces. "S-So, uh…" Lori said, "i-is there anything we can do to make you comfortable while you wait, Adam?"

I shook my head and held my hands up. "Oh, uh…" I said, "I don't want to impose…"

"Oh, not at all!" Leni said, quite sincerely. "I mean, like, you're our guest and all…"

"Really, it's all right. You can all, you know… go about your business. I'll try not to get in your way." I started backing towards the stairs. "I'll just, uh… go downstairs, and, uh… watch TV…" I started down the stairs. "You know where to find me."

(…)

I flipped through channels on the Loud house TV before settling on a nature documentary on undersea life. The Louds, for their part, dispersed, with at least one to a room. Presumably, they wanted to keep an eye on every room in the house in case I tried to steal anything. But really, they had nothing to worry about – my stealing days were over, and besides, I'd never steal from the family that won my heart…

I'd been watching the documentary for the better part of an hour when Lola took a seat on the couch next to me. When I turned to look at her, she was beaming up at me with sparkles in her eyes.

I muted the TV. "…Can I help you?" I asked.

Lola rocked in her seat playfully. "So…" she said, "…you said you know us because we have a show in your world?"

I nodded. "That's right."

Lola bit her lip and placed a finger on her chin. "Is… Is it a popular show?"

"Oh, absolutely! One of the most popular shows on Nickelodeon!"

Lola put her hands on her cheeks and squealed with delight. "Eeeee!" She jumped off the couch and ran to the stairs. "You guys!" she shouted. "Come down here – Adam says we're famous!"

That grabbed many of the Louds' attention, and all of them except Lisa came to the living room, chattering curiously.

"Dude," said Luna, who was undoubtedly the most concerned with fame, "is it true? Are we famous in your world?"

"Yeah, the show's one of Nickelodeon's – er, that's the channel the show's on – one of Nickelodeon's most recent hits. Big hit in the Philippines. And Mexico. And also, you know, in the United States…"

The Louds murmured excitedly amongst themselves. "What's the show called?" Lincoln asked.

"The Loud House."

"The Loud –? Ohhhh, I get it!" Leni exclaimed! "Because we're loud, and our name is the Louds…!" She laughed.

"…Yes, thank you, Leni, we get it too…" Luan said.

"So, you're a fan?" Lana said.

"Oh, yeah! Big fan."

"Huh… And how old are you?" Lori asked.

"23."

"And what kind of show is it? A kid's show, I hope…"

"Yep, it's a kid's show."

"So, you're 23, and you watch a kid's show?" Lincoln said.

I sighed – apparently, "Deal Me Out" hasn't occurred yet in the timeline – "timeline" being used in the loosest sense. "That's right, I watch a kid's show. And so do lots of other guys and girls my age. But hey – you're never too old to enjoy a show with great humor, great writing, great stories…" I swept my gaze across the crowd. "…and great characters."

"You know…"

A spooky voice made me jump – and it was only then that I realized that Lucy was sitting right next to me. "Oh… haha… So that's what it feels like…"

"What?"

"Getting snuck up on by you."

"Sigh. I don't do it on purpose…"

"I know you don't, Lucy. I'm sorry. Anyways, what were you saying?"

"That reminds me…" She looked at me – or, at least, I think she did. "Have you ever considered that, in another universe, you might be a fictional character?"

"Yeah… food for thought…" I said while glancing at you, the reader, in a manner that was in no way meant to be foreshadowing.

"So…" Lola said, that same smirk still on her face, "…who's your favorite character, hmm?"

I rubbed the back of my head. "Gosh, it's hard to say…" I looked at each of the Loud siblings in order. "I mean, on the one hand, Leni's a real sweetheart…"

Leni blushed.

"But on the other hand, Lincoln's the main character…"

Lincoln punched the air. "All right!"

Lola, on the other hand, was quite displeased. "Oh, come on! Why is Lincoln the main character?! It should be me!"

"No way!" Lana said. "I'd make a much more interesting main character!"

"Hello!" Luan said. "It should be someone who has experience performing for a crowd!"

"Exactly!" Luna said. "So I should be the main character!"

Soon, the entire family was embroiled in a fight over who should be the main character of the show, one that escalated into a big ball of violence that I was unfortunately sucked into. Seeing that I had become an unwilling participant in the fighting, Lori broke up the fight.

"Guys, GUYS! Enough!" The fighting halted suddenly. "Look what you've done to Adam!"

Everyone looked at me and immediately felt sheepish. They helped me up and dusted me off, apologizing.

"It's okay, guys," I said. "I know how to take a punch. Been happening ever since I was a little boy."

"What?!" Lori said.

My somber expression returned. "It's a sad, sad story…"

The mood turned somber as well. "Uh, Adam…" Lincoln said, "if you want to get something off your chest, then…"

I shook my head, smiling. "Oh, no, no, that's alright. I'm fine. Thank you for your concern, though. Point is…" I swept my arms out from side to side. "…all of you are great." I jabbed my thumb at Lynn. "…Except for Lynn."

Everyone enjoyed a laugh at Lynn's expense. Lynn herself, naturally, was not amused. "What?!"

I shrugged. "I'm sorry, Lynn, but everyone here is more sympathetic than you."

"Oh, come on! Even Lola?!"

"Even Lola."

Lola grinned smugly and blew a raspberry at Lynn, incensing her even further.

"That said, you've all had episodes where your better qualities have shone."

"Ooh, really?" Leni said. "What's your favorite episode?"

"Actually, I've got a few…"

"Which ones?"

"Um…" I scratched my head. Should I tell them? I thought. I still don't know where in the timeline I am – and it's still entirely possible that the episodes weren't aired in the order that the events happened in chronologically. Although I briefly entertained the idea of finding out where I was and using it to my advantage (wouldn't I earn some serious cred with the fanbase if I managed to avert the events of "No Such Luck"?), I ultimately decided against it. "…Sorry, I shouldn't say. I might spoil future events for you."

"What do you mean?" Lincoln asked.

"Well, it's possible that the events of some episodes haven't occurred, yet…"

"How many episodes are there?" Lynn asked.

"Well, so far, there have been three seasons, with a fourth one and a movie on the way…"

"Oh man, a movie?!" Lana said.

"Yep! It's on the backburner, though – ever since Chris Savino got fired…"

"Who's Chris Savino?" Luan asked.

"Oh, that's the guy who created the show in my universe. Who'd have thought he'd painted an accurate picture of a pre-existing universe, huh?"

"Does art imitate life," Lucy pondered, "or does life imitate art?"

"A riddle for the ages…" I said.

"So, why'd the creator get fired?" Lincoln asked.

"Oh! Uh…" I bit my lip nervously. "He, uh… did some… inappropriate things." I folded my arms. "And that's all I'll say on the matter."

"What kind of things?" Lana asked.

"Lana, enough," Lori said. "He said it's inappropriate."

I nodded. "Uh-huh. Still… I have to be grateful to him for creating a show that inspired me to hone my writing skills…"

"Huh?" Lucy said. "Writing skills?"

"Oh, yeah. See, the thing with fandoms is that, with some fans, they're inspired by the thing they're fans of to create their own fan material for it." I gestured to Lincoln. "Lincoln would know – he once submitted an Ace Savvy comic he and Clyde made together for a contest, right?"

"Oh, yeah!" Lincoln said. "I remember that!"

"Right! So, some people are artists, and they make fan art; some people are writers, like me, who write fan fiction; and some people do both." I scratched my head. "'Course, a lot of people have the passion for creativity, but not the talent, but, ehh, that's just how it goes, you know?"

"What's 'fan fiction'?" Lola asked.

Before I could answer, Lucy did it for me. "It's unofficial fiction written using pre-existing characters and settings. I've written plenty of Vampires of Melancholia fan fiction – mostly involving Edwin falling in love with beautiful, misunderstood young goth girls."

"Ohhh…" Lola turned back to me. "So, you write stories about us?"

I nodded. "That's right!"

Lola leaned in eagerly. "What kinds of stories?"

"Well, there's one where –" I stopped suddenly. "Oh! Uh, actually, uh…" I chuckled nervously. "You… You wouldn't… like my stories…"

"Aww, why not?" Leni asked.

"They, uh…" I thought it best not to tell them exactly what kinds of stories I wrote. "You just… You know, the problem with adult fandoms is that they tend to attract a lot of… weirdos, you know?"

"Like who?" Lincoln asked.

"I, uh… don't want to name names… They might be reading this right now…"

"What?"

"Nothing. But, point is, these weirdos write weird stories, see? Stories that people like you wouldn't want to read – especially since they're about you…"

"Hmm, yeah, good point…" Lincoln said. His sisters shared his sentiments.

"But people tell me I'm a good writer, though…" I said, though not meaning to brag.

"Oh, I wish we could read some of your stories…" Leni said.

"Trust me – no, you don't. Still… in all my time writing fan fiction for your show, I'd never imagine I'd end up in the show itself – or, well, its world, anyway!" I sighed. "…But I've got to get back to my world. The sooner, the better."

"What? Why? Isn't this, like, a dream come true for you?"

"Well, sure. But I've got a family at home, and they need me." I shook my head. "I can't just abandon them… not again…"

"'Again'?" Lori said.

I nodded. "It's a sad, sad story…"

Lori sighed. "Okay, you keep saying that. Exactly what are these 'sad, sad stories' you keep referring to?"

The others leaned in, interested as well. I adopted a pained expression. "I…" Tears started to form in my eyes. It was hard enough relating the story of my life to my readers – and those were just the basic details. "I-I…"

Noticing my anguish, Leni spoke up. "Guys, come on," she said, "look at him. He doesn't want to talk about it."

The other Louds looked at me and knew that Leni was right. They backed off, and I wiped my tears away. "…Thank you, Leni," I said.

Leni nodded. "No problem, Adam."

I cleared my throat. "Anyways, speaking of my family, that reminds me…" I stood up. "Do you have a pen and a piece of paper that I could borrow?"

"Oh, sure!" Leni said. "I'll go get it for you!"

She went into the dining room, and Leni being Leni, I was worried that she'd screw it up somehow. But my fears were unfounded, as she soon returned with what I had asked for. "Here you go!"

"Thank you," I said, accepting the items. "Now, if it's not too much to ask… could I have everyone's autographs?"

"Oh, it's not too much to ask at all, dear Adam!" Lola said, taking the pen and signing the piece of paper. "It's quite flattering, actually!"

"Oh, thanks, guys!" I said with a delighted smile. "You have no idea how much this means to me! My kids are gonna freak when they see this!"

The Louds all looked at me, surprised. "You have kids?!" Luna said.

"Yep! That's my whole family, actually – just me and my kids!"

"Um," Luan said, "how old are you, again? 23?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Wow…" Lori said. "I… I'm sorry, Adam… If we knew you were a single father trying to get back to your kids, we'd have helped you right away…"

I waved her apology away. "Oh, not at all, Lori, not at all! I should have mentioned it to begin with…"

"Hmm… So, how many kids do you have?" Lola asked.

"Fourteen."

"Ah, fourteen –" Lola's head shot up. "Fourteen?!"

Her siblings were similarly shocked, with more than a few of them vocalizing their disbelief. I nodded. "Yes, there's a lot of them… but I love them with all my heart."

Lori laughed incredulously. "Okay, buddy…" she said, "…I don't suppose you have any proof of your fourteen kids?"

"Actually…" I reached into my pocket and found, to my relief, that I still had my wallet. "…yes. I've got pictures of all of them." I opened my wallet, and the… I don't know what they're called, but they're those little things in wallets that are attached and hold your pictures and fold up when the wallet's folded and fall down in a line when they're unfolded? Anyways, those things that hold pictures fell out, displaying pictures of my children to the disbelieving Louds.

"No… way…" Luna said.

I pointed to the first one. "Okay, here's my oldest daughter, Josephine – the kids call her Josie, and so do I sometimes, but I prefer Josephine. Just… rolls off the tongue, you know?"

"Wow, she's pretty…" Lola said.

"And she looks so smart," Lucy added.

"You've got a sharp eye, Luce," I said. "She might not be a genius like Lisa, but she is precocious…" I looked at her picture, chuckling. "She's pretty much the woman of the house, she is… Keeps the others in line… They really look up to her. Kinda like you do to Lori. Yeah, she's… she's pretty much Lori."

"Wow…" the twins said, looking up at Lori admiringly.

"Mm-hmm." I moved my finger to the next picture. "And this here is Ezekiel – we call him Zeke."

Lori took a closer look at the picture. "Is he…? Oh my gosh!"

"Ewwww!" Lola said.

The other Louds were similarly disgusted. I looked at the picture and grimaced. "…Yeah. Wish I had a better picture of him…" Clearing my throat, I moved on to the twins. "And these are the twins, Harmony and Deliverance – we call them Mony and Liv."

"Wow!" Lana said. "Are they like me and Lola?"

"Oh, absolutely. Well, I mean, not exactly like you, but, well… They fight a lot, but they still love each other with all their hearts."

Lola and Lana put their arms around each other's shoulders, smiling.

Looking at the next picture, Lola was blown away. "Wow! Who's this cute girl?"

"That's Hamilton," I said. "We call him Hammy."

"Aww…" Lola fawned over the picture, then did a double take. "Wait – 'him'?!"

"Mm-hmm! I remember this day – he'd just gotten his makeup right, and he wanted to show off for everyone! So, he staged a little runway show for us. It was adorable!"

Lola and the others stared in shock. "N… No way…" she said. "…He's prettier than I am!"

"Yep, he sure does love looking pretty!" I started folding the pictures back up as I moved further down. "Okay, and this is Derek with the little bird he rescued…"

That immediately caught Lana's attention. "He rescued a bird?"

"Yeah, poor thing'd fallen out of its nest, so Derek mended its broken little wing and climbed the tall tree to put it back in its nest. I was worried sick that he'd fall, but he made it all the way up with the bird in one hand, put it back, and climbed all the way back down. The kids were all blown away – and I have to say, I was too!"

"Whoa…" said Lana, blown away as well.

I smiled at the picture. "Yep… Whenever Derek sees something wrong, he just has to make it right. My little hero…" Sighing contentedly, I moved onto the rest. "And these are the others. Spongebob and Patrick get along famously – Spongebob also gets along with Bubbles and Derek, while Patrick likes Ezekiel. Arnold, Tommy, and Timmy are basically their own little group – Tommy is the leader, Arnold is the voice of reason, and Timmy's the wild one. They get into all sorts of wacky shenanigans – maybe I'll tell you about them later. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup all get along well, too, but Blossom is also close with Josephine and Tommy; Bubbles is close with Spongebob, like I said, and Hamilton too; and Buttercup likes Timmy and the twins. And all three of them adore Derek." I folded all the pictures back up. "Phew… And that's it. That's my little army."

The Louds sat in silence for a while after that, processing everything I'd told them. "…Uh, dude?" Luna said after a while. "How… do you have all those kids… if you're only 23?"

"Obviously, he adopted most of them," Lori said.

I shook my head. "Nope. They're all mine."

Lori and the others gaped at me, utterly flabbergasted. "Wha—?! But – I – Y-You – HOW?!"

I shook my head again, slowly this time. "It's a sad, sad story…"

"Yeah, and you know what?" Luan said. "I think that's one we don't want to hear, am I right?"

Everyone quickly agreed with her.

I sighed. "Yeah…" Then, I turned chipper again. "But you know what? We still love and take care of each other. And hey, that's what makes us love your show so much – we feel a kinship with you, being a large family ourselves…"

The Louds all looked at each other, as revelation dawned on each of their faces. There was a long pause after that. Then, finally, Lynn walked over and sat down on the couch next to me, leaning back.

"Hey, Adam…" she said, "…do you want to watch Operation Dessert Storm with us?"

I blinked, surprised by the offer coming from her, of all Louds. However, a warm smile soon spread across my face, and I nodded. "…I'd be more than happy to."

The Louds all gathered around the couch, surrounding me, and at last, I felt accepted by them. Lynn took the remote and flipped to Operation Dessert Storm, which was just starting, and we all started watching.

"So, is this show like Chopped?" I said about a minute in.

"No, it's in one piece," said Leni.

"Wha…? No, no, I meant the show Chopped."

"What's 'Chopped'?" Lincoln asked.

"Well, it's a show where I come from. You see, it starts with four contestants, and they have a 'mystery basket' of ingredients…"

(…)

After an hour of watching Operation Dessert Storm (which, as it turned out, was a lot like Chopped), we heard a knock on the door.

"Oh, I'll get it," I said, getting up.

"Wait, wait, Adam, hold on," Lori said, getting up as well. She went to the window, peeked outside, and gasped. "Leni! It's one of them!"

"Gah!" Leni immediately leaped behind the couch, cowering there. Confused, I turned to Lori.

"Get rid of him," Lori mouthed.

Scratching my head, I opened the door. There standing before me was a pale, gangly teen with sunken, baggy eyes and greasy black hair. He had a soiled hoodie, cargo shorts, and was wearing socks with sandals.

He was also quite surprised to see me. "Oh, uh… hey…" he said.

I nodded and smiled at him. "How're you doing?"

"Is, uh…" He tried to step inside the house, but I blocked him, so he settled for looking around over my shoulder. "Is Leni here?"

"Uh…" I looked at Lori, who frantically shook her head and waved her hands back and forth. "…No, she's not."

His shoulders sagged. "Oh." He started twiddling his fingers. "Do… Do you know where I can find her?"

I scratched my head. "Uh… Uh, yeah, she's, uh…" I pointed in a random direction. "…at Ketcham Park, with her friends."

His face lit up with a perverse glee that made me sick. "Oh! G-Great! G-Guess I'll, uh, heh, heh… find her there. Thanks, pal!"

I waved him off, happy to be rid of him. "Anytime…"

He ran down to the street, where I just noticed two similarly grungy teens waiting on their bikes, and told his two cohorts what I'd just told him. They immediately began pedaling down the street, and I shut the door slowly, creeped out.

"Uh… who was that?" I asked.

"A bunch of losers who are obsessed with Leni," Lori replied. "What, don't you know that from our show?"

I shook my head. "No, actually, this… this is the first time I'm hearing about something like this…"

Lori blinked. "…Really?"

"Yeah," I said as Leni got up, still fearfully looking at the door. "So, how did this start?"

"I don't know!" Leni said. "They said I helped them pick out clothes at Reininger's one time, like, three weeks ago, and now they won't, like, leave me alone! They visit the house every day, asking where I am; they follow me at school; and they're, like, constantly harassing me at work! Singing to me, reading me creepy poems; one time, one of them took my hand and started rubbing it against his cheek, even though I kept telling him to let go!" She sighed, sitting on the couch and burying her face in her hands. "I don't know what to do… I've had to change my cellphone number, take days off from school and work – I can't even leave the house anymore!"

As Leni's siblings comforted her, I scratched my chin and furrowed my brow, absorbing all this new information. So, I thought, Leni has a trio of stalkers, huh? Lenifags… So, why is this the first time I've found out about them? Is this an episode of Season 4? Or maybe… I snapped my fingers. Of course – THAT'S the only reasonable explanation!

Meanwhile, the other Louds were discussing what to do with the stalkers, while Lori answered the phone in another room.

"We need to track those creeps down and pummel them, sending them a clear message to leave Leni alone!" Lynn said.

"We can't!" Luan objected. "One of their dads is the chief of police – if we beat them up, he'll tattle on us, and then we'll be in huge trouble!"

Lori, who had finished talking on the phone, came back into the room. "Leni," she said, "that was Mrs. Carmichael. She said you have to come into work today, or she'll have no choice but to let you go."

Leni's eyes widened. "No!" She sank into the sofa, an anguished expression on her face. "Oh, what am I gonna do, you guys? I don't want to lose my job, but I don't want those guys to visit me at work, either…!"

"Maybe what you need is a bodyguard."

Everyone turned to look at me. "Huh?" Lincoln said.

"A bodyguard – you know, someone to protect her from those stalkers. Someone who's used to taking a punch. Someone who's new to town and is leaving soon, so he doesn't have to fear the police retaliating…" I jabbed two thumbs at myself. "Someone like me."

The Louds looked at each other, uncertain. "Dude," Luna said, "are you sure that will work?"

"Oh, trust me – those bozos will never come near Leni again if they cross me." I cast my gaze downwards. "Though, I hope they don't…" I whispered.

"How can we trust you?" Lola said, folding her arms.

"I feel like I owe it to you guys, for sheltering me and helping me get back home. It's the least I can do."

The Louds looked at each other again, before settling their eyes on Leni. "Leni," Lori said, "this concerns you the most – what do you think?"

Leni looked at me, and I think she read the earnestness in my eyes, because she gave a touched smile and nodded. "…I trust him," she said. "I'm sure he'll take care of me."

The others eyed me skeptically, but as much as they distrusted Leni's judgement, they respected her decision. "…Okay," Lori said, nodding. She walked up to me with a stern expression on her face. "You'd better not try anything with her. Got it?"

I nodded. "Don't worry. I won't."

"Better not," she repeated. She turned to Leni. "Okay, Leni, you're gonna need a ride to the mall, right?"

Leni nodded. "Yup!"

"Okay, I'll warm up Vanzilla. Come on, Adam."

(…)

It was a surprisingly short ride to Reininger's – nothing was ever shown to scale in the show, I realized. Nor was there ever a map of Royal Woods released as part of the merch – at least, as far as I knew. Regardless, we waved Lori goodbye, and entered the shop.

"Fiona! Miguel!" Leni called out. "Guess who's here!"

Fiona and Miguel came running to the front of the store. "Leni!" they cried excitedly, only to quickly slow to a halt when they saw me with her. "Oh, and, uh… hello…" Fiona said.

"Hey, buddies!" I said.

Looking perturbed, Miguel pointed at me and said, "Uh, Leni… is he with you?"

Leni nodded. "Uh-huh!"

"Leni, didn't you get our text?" Fiona said. "We told you to take him to the hospital…"

"I'm afraid I don't have any time for doctor's visits," I said. "I'm acting as Leni's bodyguard."

Fiona and Miguel both eyed me skeptically. "Her bodyguard?" Miguel said.

"Yep! So, uh…" I leaned in close. "…if those three creeps show up, let me know, will you?"

The two of them immediately understood. "Oh, okay, okay, gotcha…" Miguel shook his head. "Wait a minute – Leni, are you sure you can trust this guy, whoever he is?"

"Oh, excuse me…" I shook both of their hands. "Adam Dodge. You can call me Adam. Or Dodge. Or Captain Dodge."

Fiona raised an eyebrow. "'Captain' Dodge?"

Leni nodded, smiling. "It's a sad, sad story…"

I nodded grimly. "Indeed…"

Fiona and Miguel both chuckled nervously. "Uh, heh, heh, heh, right, right, um… Leni, can we talk to you real quick?"

"Sure, guys!"

Leni's two work friends led her away from me and huddled up a short distance away, unaware that I could still hear them.

"Leni, are you out of your mind?" Fiona whispered. "This guy is even nuttier than those three goons stalking you!"

The three of them spared me a look, and I flashed a friendly grin and waved. They returned to the huddle.

"Guys, come on," Leni whispered, "I know he's a little… weird… but he's okay, really! He takes care of fourteen kids – I'm sure he'll take care of ME!"

They gave me another glance, and I smiled at them, rocking back and forth on my feet.

Miguel sighed. "Leni…" he whispered back in the huddle, "I don't like this…"

"Just trust me, guys. Please?"

After a few moments, Fiona sighed, too. "…Fine. But we're keeping an eye on him…"

The huddle broke up, and the three of them approached me. "Okay, 'Captain' Dodge," Fiona said, "we'll let you hang around. But you'd better not cause any trouble, or we'll have mall security on your sorry keister, comprende?"

"Si, señorita," I said.

Fiona shook her head, groaning. "I must be out of my mind…"

As Fiona and Miguel went to work, so too did Leni. I followed her to the cash register, and I leaned against a nearby wall as I watched her check out customers and recommend them different articles of clothing to buy with her superb fashion sense. I smiled – Leni was always so cheerful and sunny, and even though I loathed those stalkers, I could see why they fell so hard for her.

Time passed, and I began to grow bored. I walked up to Leni and said, "Hey, Leni, since nothing much is happening, do you mind if I do some shopping?"

"Oh, not at all, Adam! Go ahead!" she replied.

"Cool, thanks. Oh, hey, do you have kids' clothes?"

"Yeah, they're over in the kids' clothes section!"

"Great – I can pick up some new outfits for the kids!" A disappointed look suddenly appeared on my face as I realized something, however. "Oh, wait – I barely have any money! I can't afford new clothes…"

"Oh – here!" Leni took out a card and handed it to me. "You can use my employee discount!"

I stared at the card in awe. "Really?!"

"Sure! If it's for your kids, then I'm happy to do it for you!"

I radiated a warm smile at her. "Leni… you're an angel. Don't ever change."

Leni giggled. "Oh, go on! Do your shopping!"

Winking at her, I set out to do just that – but not before telling her to call me if anything happened. Looking around, I quickly found the kids' clothes section and began picking out clothes for the kids in their sizes. I decided not to be picky, and just chose the cheapest ones – I knew they would understand.

Not long after I checked out all my new clothes, I felt the call of nature. "Uh, Leni? Will you hold my clothes for me?"

"Sure, what's wrong?"

"Uh…" I looked around, then leaned in and whispered, "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh…" Leni pointed. "They're upstairs one level, right across from the McDannel's. You can't miss it."

"Thanks, Leni."

And with that, I was off to relieve myself. I found the bathrooms with no trouble, and did my business. Sorry, Lisa, I thought, but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

I washed up and returned to Reininger's, unaware that trouble was about to rear its ugly head. As soon as I entered, Fiona ran up to me.

"Oh, Captain?" she said, jerking her head back towards the cash register. "Creeps ahoy!"

I looked at the checkout counter, and to my horror, I saw those three freaks at the front of the line, talking to a very distressed Leni. I immediately leapt into action, rushing over.

"U-Um… Uh…" I heard Leni say as I approached.

"Leni, is everything all right?" I asked.

As soon as I came up to her, Leni lit up, as though she'd had an idea, and wrapped her arms around my neck, pressing her cheek against mine.

"I'm going out with Adam, here!" she said hastily.

The world seemed to grind to a halt. "…What?" I said, dumbfounded.

"What?!" the three stalkers exclaimed.

"Yeah, we, uh…" Leni looked at me. "…met… just three days ago! Yeah! And he's, like, such a caring boyfriend…"

Laughing nervously, I separated from Leni. "Uh, heh, heh, heh, uh, great, uh – Leni, can I speak to you really quickly?"

I led her a short distance away, then, with our backs to the stalker trio, I whispered, "Leni, what's going on?"

Leni looked really agitated. "I… I-I-I… Th-Those guys just came in while you were gone, an-and-and-and they started saying stuff like they were dreaming about me, and, like, wondering what our kids were going to look like, and, and, like, h-how they came up with a system of sharing me, and, and, and nothing I said or did would make them go away! So, like, I just, like, told them I couldn't be with them because, like, I already had a boyfriend, and, like, they asked me who it was, and, like, I didn't know, but then, like, you came in, and so, like, I just, like, uh…"

I stopped her. "Okay, Leni, okay. That's enough." I turned back to look at the three, currently glaring daggers at me. "So, THAT was your plan for getting rid of them?"

Leni nodded frantically. "YES! Oh my gosh, Adam, I-I didn't know what to do…! Did… Did I mess up…?"

I sighed. "…No, Leni. I think this might work. But it's gonna take a bit of work to pull it off. I'll roll with it, but you try to stay quiet, okay?"

"You don't have to do any rolling – just pretend that you're my boyfriend!"

I stared at her blankly for a moment, then exhaled and slowly nodded. "…Okay. But let ME do all the talking, okay?"

Leni nodded.

"All right. Come on."

We returned to the cash register, and the Lenifag that appeared to be the group's leader spoke to me. "So… you're Leni's new boyfriend, huh?"

I looked at Leni, then nodded. "…That I am."

"I-It… It…!" The one I'd spoken to earlier pointed at me furiously. "It all makes sense! That's why you were at her house earlier – you were doing… doing… things with her, weren't you?!"

I knew exactly what he was talking about. "…I do believe that that's none of your business, buddy."

"Anything that has to do with Leni is our business, 'buddy'!" the last one, a rather portly fellow, snapped. "We met her three weeks ago, so we have first dibs!"

Disgusted, I pushed Leni behind me, stepping up to stare down the leader of the Lenifags. "Okay, time out. Buddy, you seem to be in charge of this Losers' Club, so let me ask you something: How much do you know about Leni?"

The leader snorted. "More than you've learned about her in three days, I can promise you that! Let's see… She attends Royal Woods High School, with Home Economics for first period, followed by English for second period, followed by snack time, which she spends in the courtyard every day with her friends, always eating a cup of yogurt; followed by History for third period and Study Hall for fourth period. At lunch, she eats in the cafeteria with her friends, always alternating between salads and sandwiches, and always finishing fifteen minutes early, and she spends the rest of the time talking with her friends in the courtyard. Then it's Basic Math for fifth period, Biology for sixth, and Art for seventh. After that, on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, she works at Reininger's from 3:30 to 8:30, and after that, or otherwise if it's any other day, she goes home. She tends to go to sleep at around 10:00 PM, and sleeps for an average of 8 hours." He folded his arms and put on a smug smile. "How much of that did you know?"

"Hm, not much. But let me ask you this: How much of that did you learn from talking to her?"

The guy's smarmy grin evaporated. "I, uh… I-I-I, uh… W-Well, it's not like we knew everything about her from the beginning!" he said defensively. "We had to study her – learn her habits!"

"And even if you knew all her habits, what then? Do you think that just because you knew everything about her, she'd automatically choose you? What if you're not physically appealing to her? What if she doesn't like your personality? What if you have nothing in common, and besides, she's never even truly met you?"

"Sh-She has to accept us!" the fat one said. "She has to! She's nice, she's beautiful, and she'd love us for more than what we look like!"

"Don't assume things about her! You're putting her up on a pedestal – treating her like a goddess! Well, let me tell you something, buddies: She is a person! A human being, with flaws and an ability to think for herself! You treat her like she belongs to you – like just because you saw her first, you're entitled to her! That's not how it works! You need to listen to a girl – understand her flaws and accept them! And I don't get to decide whether or not she gets with me – she does! Because she has a right to make her own decisions! I respect Leni. I understand her, and love her for who she is." I got right up in his face. "And because of that, she loves me back. Don't you, Leni?"

Leni, who had been watching my tirade with a growing sense of adoration, came up and took my arm. "…Right."

I nodded decisively. "Because of that, she chose me. And until you learn to respect her… you'll never have her."

The three creeps started heaving and shaking. "N… No…" the leader said. "No…!" He looked up at me, and I saw a potent cocktail of fear, rage, denial, and desperation in his eyes. "NO! STOP IIIIIT!"

Quick as lightning, he wrapped both hands around my throat and started choking me, much to the horror of everyone watching. I pried his hands off my throat and grappled with him. "Okay, you're dialing this all the way up to eleven a little too quickly, buddy…" I said.

"You can't take Leni from us!" he shouted. "WE WON'T LET YOU!"

The fat one rammed into me, throwing me deeper into the store. The three Lenifags surrounded me, cutting off all possible avenues of escape.

"Adam!" Leni cried out.

I watched my opponents warily, never allowing one to get fully on my six-o'-clock. "Leni," I said, "call mall security."

The leader laughed. "'Mall security'… Hah! Let me tell you something: My dad's the chief of police. Thanks to him, I can get away with anything! Either you hand Leni over to us, or you are going to be in a world of pain!"

I could feel him stirring deep inside me, but I couldn't back off now. "I don't care if your dad is the Queen of Kiss-My-Hairy-Booty!" I spat. "Leave. My girlfriend. Alone!"

Roaring, he threw himself at me, but I was ready. If I wanted to, I could've pounded the three of them into the floorboards right then and there – but I held back. It had been so long since he'd had a good fight, and now that I was feeling the fight-or-flight reflex, he was itching for blood.

But I didn't want to let him out. I had to end the fight quickly, with as little bloodshed as possible.

I dodged the attack and redirected his momentum to send him hurtling into a clothes rack. The lanky one charged at me next, but I flipped him over my head and into the floor. The fat one tried ramming me again, but I spun him in a circle and sent him flying back at the leader, knocking them both to the ground.

I grimaced. The violence was starting to excite him. I decided that I should at least give them a fair warning. Perhaps, I thought, it would dissuade them from any further action?

"…Do you know why they call me 'Captain' Dodge?" I said.

As the leader stumbled to his feet, and his cronies assembled behind him, he looked at me quizzically. "…Huh?"

"What, because it's your stupid online handle?" the lanky one said.

I closed my eyes, balling my hands into fists. "It's because… I was a captain. A pirate captain."

Everyone in the store stared at me blankly. "…What?" the leader said.

I nodded. "I sailed with a fearsome crew off the coast of Africa, committing unspeakable atrocities." I opened my eyes to look straight at the Lenifags. "They called me the 'White Terror'. And if you three don't get out of here right now…" I pointed at them. "…you're going to find out why."

A pregnant pause followed thereafter. No-one moved, or made a sound.

And then the creeps, the shoppers, and Fiona and Miguel burst into laughter.

The lanky one straightened up from being doubled over, wiping a tear from his eye. "Ha… Ha, ha… Ha… Oh, man… Heh… And they call me crazy!"

"What, so… so, you were a pirate?" the leader said. He squinted one eye and bent one finger. "Argh, matey! Walk the plank!" He waved dismissively. "Pssh! Get real! Am I really supposed to believe that?"

I shook my head sadly. "Believe you me, buddy, I wish I was making this up." I glared at him. "And unless you back off now… you will, too."

He and his two chums laughed at that, before he and the lanky one pulled out switchblades, eliciting a gasp from the gathered crowd. "All right, 'Captain'," he said, "it's been fun so far, but playtime's over. You gonna hand over the girl, or not?"

I shut my eyes, scowling. I could feel him pounding on the door…

The leader took my silence as my answer. "I guess that's a 'not'…"

With that, he lunged at me, and his two flunkies fanned out to flank me. I could barely think straight – the blood was pulsing red-hot through my head, and my whole body ached with this nagging, tingling sensation, yearning for release. I barely noticed the lanky one approaching me from behind and to the left, as I could only focus now on the leader in front of me. I barely avoided a swipe from his knife – they may not have been very strong, but damn if they weren't fast.

I was slipping – I had to make one final effort. "L-Listen to me! I-I don't want to do this, but I will if you make me! So don't make – AH!"

I was interrupted by the lanky one sneaking up on me and plunging his knife into my side. Leni screamed my name, and one woman fainted. The three Lenifags stared, awestruck, amazed at the blow they had landed. I could feel the cold metal lodged in my soft flesh, scraping against my nerve endings. It hurt…

It hurt so good.

It was over. The door was open – and he was out of his cage.

The lanky one recovered from his surprise and started laughing. "You-You like that?" he said.

To the surprise and creeping fear of everyone watching… I started laughing, too. I started out quiet, letting the laughter slowly build until I was howling hysterically.

"Yessss… Goooood…" I moaned, before grabbing him by the right wrist – the arm he had stabbed me with. I took the knife's handle and pulled the blade out, holding it in the air.

"Now it's YOUR turn to bleed!"

With frightening speed and precision, I jabbed the knife up and down, piercing his arm over and over again. I started at the shoulder, then moved down the arm to the wrist and back up again. A woman screamed in horror – the harbinger of a wave of cries of alarm and disgust. I could see Leni out of the corner of my eye, and she had turned white. But I didn't care – my thirst had to be slaked.

The lanky one wailed in pain and terror, and I saw a dark stain grow on the front of his pants and a yellow stream run down his leg. I kept stabbing and stabbing until the fat one grabbed me from behind, having snapped out of his stupor, keeping my left arm pinned at my side.

Undeterred, I elbowed my assailant in the face before turning back to my first victim, displaying a sadistic grin. "Hold this for me!" I demanded, plunging the knife into his shoulder. Thanks to my intimate knowledge of human anatomy learned from hands-on experience, I knew exactly where to place the blade to wedge it between the bone and the socket, leaving him unable to raise his arm.

The lanky one stumbled away, and I redirected my attention back to the fat one, whose neck I wrapped my arms around and lifted him up off his feet by with deceptive strength, drawing gasps of awe and fright from the crowd. Once he went limp, I threw him over my shoulder, bodyslamming him. I took his chubby face in my hands and licked my lips.

"Hello, chubby buddy…" I said, slavering. I fell upon him, taking his lower lip between my teeth and pulling and gnawing as he screamed. As the skin stretched, I took it in my hands and started tearing at the area attaching it to the chin with my teeth. The flesh soon gave way under my unrelenting assault, and I took the severed lip and greedily slurped it down, sparing it only one or two chews. Without wasting any time, I bit him again, this time on the cheek. I sucked as much of the fatty flesh into my mouth as I could, then bit down hard. His cries of agony were as music to my ears as a bit off another mouthful of tasty flesh and chewed it, drawing out and savoring the juices, before swallowing it and moving on to the nose. The cartilaginous appendage detached quickly, and I chewed it quickly, enjoying its springy texture before swallowing it whole.

I leered down at the fat one's mangled face, with its weeping wounds. "That oughta take some of the chub off, eh?"

He only whimpered in response, and I dropped him, looking around for my final enemy. I found him edging towards the exit, holding his knife to Fiona's throat. He saw me look at him and brandished his switchblade at me. "Stay back!" he cried. "Stay back, you animal!" He returned the blade to Fiona's neck. "I-If you try anything, I'll do it! I swear to God, I'll do it!"

I chuckled heartily at that, shaking everyone to their core. "Silly little boy," I said, "thinking he can hide behind a shield of flesh…" I ran my tongue over my front teeth. "He doesn't know…" I backed towards the lanky one, who had fallen to his knees, incoherent. "…that that shield… won't protect him…"

I ripped the knife out of the lanky one's shoulder, pinching it by the blade. "…from ME!"

With a practiced aim, I threw the knife at the leader, hitting him in the elbow. He cried in pain, dropping his knife, and Fiona stomped on his toe, elbowed him in the stomach, and sprang away to safety. The leader reeled, pulling the knife out… but he dropped it when he saw me again.

Now… there was nothing between me and him.

Grinning like the madman that I was, I raised both hands and beckoned to him. "Here, kitty, kitty…" I crooned. "Come to Dodgey."

He uttered a wordless, anguished scream that only someone who knew that they were in mortal terror could utter – a sound that I was all-too familiar with. He turned on his heels and sprinted out of the store into the mall, and I, cackling insanely, rushed after him.

The leader dashed through the mall in blind desperation, not knowing where he was going – only knowing that he had to get away from me. He bobbed and weaved through the crowd, whereas I simply plowed through anyone in my way, implacable. Soon, anyone who could see me coming wisely got out of my way, and I began to gain on him. Knowing my prey was close, I uttered a little rhyme:

Run, run, run

As fast as you can

You can't escape me

I'm Dodge the Captain!

The hooting and hollering that followed actually made my quarry start weeping in fear, spurring me onwards faster. I began to close the distance – he was tantalizingly close. Scanning our surroundings, I came up with a plan as I sang a little tune:

Round and round the Royal Woods Mall

The Captain chased the weasel

The Captain thought 'twas all in good fun

I grabbed the leader by the back of his sweatshirt, and just as I predicted, he started squirming in a futile attempt to break free. I steered him straight into a column, and as he collided with a reverberating thud, I finished:

POP! goes the weasel!

The leader slid to the ground, stunned. Victoriously, I turned him around and grabbed him by the shirt, ramming him into the column. As he looked up at me, with my crazed eyes and the bits of flesh between my bloody teeth, he cowered.

"N-No… No… P-Please, don't hurt me…" he begged pathetically.

"Oh, I'm going to do far worse than just hurt you," I said. "Do you want to know what I'm going to do?" I pried his right eye open. "I'm going to suck that eyeball right out of your skull and chew it up in front of you. That will be the last thing you ever see before I pluck out the other eye, too."

"No… Oh, God, no…"

Then I'll move onto your mouth. I'll pull out your teeth three or four at a time and swallow them whole – for calcium. Then I'll rip your tongue out from the seam – for protein."

"Oh… Oh, God…"

"Then I'll gnaw my way through your belly until I get to your ripe, juicy organs…" I looked down at his abdomen. "I wonder what I'll eat first? Your liver? Your kidneys? Your heart? Or maybe I'll satisfy myself with your small intestine – turn your meal into my meal."

Now he couldn't even form words anymore – he just sobbed.

"I'll eat, and I'll eat, and I'll eat until I can eat no more, and do you know what I'm going to do then?" My smile stretched from ear to ear. "I'll take what's left of you home, for my children to eat!"

After another round of sobs, he finally found his voice again. "P-Please, man, please… I-I've got connections…! I can hook you up! Just, please…!"

Unmoved, I held his eyelid open. "Dinner… is… served…"

He began shrieking – a high-pitched, effeminate wail that solidified his submission. But before I could begin eating, I heard a loud, authoritative cry:

"NO!"

I turned around, to see who would dare defy me, only to see Leni there, fists balled at her sides, staring me down. Her commanding glare struck even a monster such as myself, exhibiting an aura of authority. She was going to be obeyed – no if's, and's, or but's.

I sighed, disappointed, but a small part of me felt relieved. "…It seems there is still mercy in this world after all," I said. I turned back to the last Lenifag with a snap. "Listen to me, worm. I want you to remember this feeling." I leaned in. "My hands around your throat… My hot breath on your face… My teeth inches from your tender, succulent flesh…" I took a few breaths to illustrate my point. "I want you to remember this feeling… every time you think of her. Leni. From now on, know that she is under my protection. And if you ever talk to, come near, even look at her again…"

I opened his eye again… and gave his eyeball a lick, letting the saltiness of his tears dance on my tongue. "…Am I understood?"

He nodded to the best of his ability. "Yes! Ye-he-he-hesss…"

I smiled. "…Good." Then, without warning, I picked him up onto his feet and tossed him away. "Now get out of here!"

I didn't need to tell him twice – he took off as fast as his legs could carry him, never once looking back. Flush with victory, I arched my back, and uttered a primal roar to the heavens.

And with that… the Captain had had his fun, and now he was going back to sleep.

I blacked out for a split second, and when my vision returned, my heart was racing, and I could taste copper. Panting, I looked around at the utterly gobsmacked faces all around me, and I realized what had happened. Although I couldn't exactly remember the events that had just transpired per se, I had an awareness of them.

Now sheepish, I shrank and offered a little smile, rubbing the back of my head. "Yep… still got it…"

(…)

Leni and I decided to walk home that night, and to take the long way while we were at it. Although she was nearly dumbstruck by what had happened back at the mall, her authoritarian moment now passed, she still managed to squeak out a demand for an explanation. I sighed – I didn't want to talk about it, but the truth was out there now, so I had no choice.

I told her all about the Captain – and by extension, my sad, sad story. I told her how my mother prostituted me to our neighbors and kept me indoors until I was sixteen, when I escaped with the help of my children, whom I left behind; how I wandered the States until I was kidnapped and sold to an African warlord; how I eventually escaped and began a new life as a pirate; and how I found my soul again and returned home, reuniting with my family and vowing to atone for my sins.

The Captain, I told her, began as one of my imaginary friends – for lack of a better word. He was fearless, swaggering, hearty – but also cruel and bloodthirsty. I both admired and feared him as a child. Much later, when my ship was attacked by pirates, I was so terrified of becoming a victim again that the Captain emerged and took control – and stayed in control for most of the next few years. Whenever I felt that I was in danger, I would call upon the Captain for safety, but as this occurred time and time again, it became harder and harder to regain control, and for long stretches of time, I would be a spectator in my own body. It was only until I was shown I kindness that I never expected that the Captain retreated again… but in my fear of the unknown joys of love and compassion, the Captain returned and killed its source. It was then that I vowed that I would rely upon the Captain no more – that I would vow to kill him and find strength as Dodge. Alas, it was impossible, for the Captain by now had become a permanent part of me. And so I resolved instead to teach and be taught by the Captain – to learn strength from him, and teach him tenderness and warmth in return, in the hopes that one day the Captain and Dodge would be merged. Hence, my nickname.

Of course, I had to simplify all of this so that Leni could understand, but she got it in the end. As we approached 1216 Franklin Avenue, she uttered a shuddering sigh.

"W… Wow…" she said, "Adam, that…"

I shook my head. "If it's all too much for you to handle, Leni, then you don't have to talk about it…"

"No!" As we came to the front porch, she stopped me with a hand on my upper arm. "I'm… touched… I've, like, never heard a story quite like yours…"

I nodded. "Mine is a unique tale… full of despair and cruelty…" I took a deep breath. "But I'm trying, Leni. I'm trying not to let it break me. I'm trying to rise above it – come out stronger and more whole for it." I sighed, hanging my head. "But… it gets hard, sometimes…"

Leni stayed quiet for a moment or two. Then, she gently lifted my gaze to meet hers. "Adam," she said, "listen to me. You're not a bad guy. You've just had a hard life, that's all. The fact that you're even trying to make up for everything you did proves that you're a good person at heart."

I smiled, though I only felt a little better. "Thank you, Leni, you're… very kind…"

She straightened my clothes. "You're strong, Adam. Not as the Captain… but as Adam. You can fix yourself. I know you can." Her gaze drifted away. "You just… need a little help, is all…"

I nodded. "I know. My children are a blessing. They show me that there is a way for me to make things right – and they support me unconditionally through it all." I shook my head, starting to tear up. "But… sometimes, it's just not enough…"

Leni put her hands on my chest. "Maybe… Maybe you need, like, a girlfriend in your life… someone to love…"

I chuckled sardonically at that. "Who could ever love someone as wretched as me?"

"Don't, like, sell your short shelves, Adam! You're kind, sensitive, funny…" She blushed. "…c-cute…"

That last word grabbed my attention. "Leni…?"

Leni bit her lip. "Any girl would be lucky to have you, Adam…" She smiled shyly. "I know I would be…"

"Leni…"

We were both quiet for a few minutes after that, neither of us brave enough to speak up. Finally, however, Leni found the courage. "Adam…?"

"Y-Yes, Leni…?"

"Did… Did you mean what you said back there, at the mall? About, you know… respecting me?"

"I…" I gulped. "O-Of course I did, Leni…"

Leni looked up at me, her eyes glistening and her lips quivering. "That… That makes me glad…" She started to wrap her arms around my neck. "And… you know, I… respect you… too…"

We began to draw closer to each other, as if we were magnetic. Leni's eyes fluttered shut, and mine did the same.

And then, in the dark chill of the night, we kissed.

Her lips tasted like strawberries, her tongue felt like velvet. I never wanted to stop kissing her, and I didn't want to stop feeling the soft fabric of her dress as my hands grazed along her back. It was astounding to me how she didn't mind that my mouth had had human flesh in it less than an hour before – something that spoke volumes of how much she didn't care how much of a monster I was. I never thought I could be as fortunate to find someone as loving and as caring as Leni to share my life with.

And yet… as we embraced, it became clearer and clearer to me that I could not.

It took all of my willpower to break that kiss and push Leni back, but it had to be done, and in the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life, I did it. "Leni! No!" I turned away, raising the back of my hand to my forehead for dramatic effect. "We mustn't!"

"Wh-Why not?" Leni asked, hurt.

"Because I'm a real person, and you're a fictional character! As much as we want it to, it could never be! Also, you're underage."

Leni looked up at me with the most heartwrenching puppy-dog eyes. "But… But Adam…!" she cried. "But Adam… I love you."

"And I love you, Leni. But we can't be together."

Leni hung her head, crying. "No…"

Unable to restrain myself, I hugged Leni tightly, and she returned the hug with equal strength. "Leni…" I said, "…thank you. As long as I live, I will remember this moment. As long as I live, it will give me strength. I'll never forget you, Leni – you'll always hold a special place in my heart."

"Then why…?" Leni sobbed. "Why can't we be together?"

"Leni… I'm sorry. We're from two different worlds." I stared off into the distance. "It was simply… not meant to be."

Leni buried her face in my chest, crying her little heart out. I held her there, as an undoubtedly small consolation. And we stayed connected like that for several minutes, until Leni's supply of seemingly inexhaustible tears finally ran dry, and all she was doing is wheezing and exhaling hoarsely. I separated from her, although she clung tightly to the back of my vest.

"Come on, Leni," I said as gently as possible, "chin up. Brave face. It's… time to go inside."

Leni hated that the moment was over, but she understood, and nodded. I walked towards the door, and she let me go. Together, we entered the Loud house.

The Loud children were all seated on the sofa, watching TV. Mr. and Mrs. Loud were in the kitchen, having missed all the action as usual, and Mrs. Loud, hearing the door open, came out to greet us.

"Hey, Leni!" she said. "How was work?"

Leni, drained, could only answer, "…s'alright…"

Obliviously, Mrs. Loud accepted Leni's answer, and then turned to me. "And hello, Adam! Make yourself at home!"

I blinked. "Oh! Mrs. Loud, you, uh… were expecting me?"

"Oh, yes! Lori told me all about you – how she met you in History class, and how you were studying together when you bravely offered to escort Leni to work!"

"Yeah, speaking of," Lori said, "what's the deal on that, uh… situation, Adam?"

I smiled proudly. "Oh, I don't think those three are going to be a problem anymore…"

Mrs. Loud beamed happily. "Oh, well isn't that just wonderful? Thank you, Adam, for all your hard work! Perhaps we can treat you to dinner as a reward?"

"Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Loud," I said, patting my stomach. "I ate at the mall. Besides, I'll be heading home soon – hopefully…"

Mrs. Loud was a little disappointed, but she accepted my polite declination. "Well, all right." She turned to the kids. "Kids! Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes!"

"Okay, Mom!" the Loud children responded.

Mrs. Loud returned to the kitchen, and I walked over and took a seat on the couch between Luan and Lincoln. Lynn, unable to find anything good on, was randomly flipping through channels. I didn't mind – today, all things considered, was a pretty good day.

That was what I thought, anyways, until Lynn passed by the news channel.

An image of me flashed on screen in the brief moments between channels, and Lucy, astute as ever, noticed it. "Wait!" she said. "Lynn, go back to Channel 4!"

Lynn flipped back to Channel 4, and there was a breaking news bulletin of my rampage at the Royal Woods Mall. Katherine Mulligan was reporting.

"…eyewitness captured this shocking scene on his cellphone. The footage is censored, as you can see, but reports say that the young man began cannibalizing the assailant after stabbing his friend repeatedly." More footage was shown of me chasing the leader through the mall. "He then proceeded to chase down the third assailant and threaten to cannibalize him as well, until a brave employee stepped up and demanded that he stop, which he did, though not before threatening the victim one last time." A recording of my threat then played. "All witness accounts state that the young man had been attacked first and even stabbed by the young assailants, and so declare it an act of justifiable defense; however, the chief of police has stated that he will be pursuing this case as an act of aggravated assault and battery. We will keep you updated on this story as more details are reveal –"

Lynn shut off the TV, and the Louds and I all sat in complete and utter silence. For several minutes, no-one dared venture to say anything.

Ultimately, though, it was Lynn who spoke up first. "What… the… fu –"

"It's a sad, sad story…" I said.

The silence resumed, and did not cease for several more minutes, until Lisa came down the stairs with an important announcement for me.

"Adam," she said, "the machine is ready. You can go home now."

"Thanks, Lisa." I stood up slowly, stretching. "Well… I guess I've just about overstayed my welcome here… think I'll be hitting that ol' dusty trail, now…" I started waltzing towards the stairs. "Thanks for all your help, guys."

I climbed the stairs, though halfway up, I stopped. "Love your show. Big fan!"

The Louds remained silent.

(…)

Back in Lisa and Lily's room, Lisa was putting the final touches on the wormhole generator. "Heh…" I said, "uh, you're probably wondering why I'm spattered with blood –"

"I don't know, and I don't care," Lisa responded. "I just want you out of my house, and away from my family, as soon as possible."

I nodded. "Fair enough." I looked at the machine, where the wormhole was starting to form, and took a deep breath. "Josephine… I'm coming home –"

"Wait!"

I turned around to see Leni rushing into the room. "Adam!"

"Leni? What is it?" I asked.

Leni grasped me by my lapels. "Adam… please don't go…"

I sighed. Why did she have to make this even more difficult? "Leni, we've been over this –"

"Please, Adam!"

"Leni, I can't leave my family!"

"Then bring them here! Live with us – with me! Or-Or take me with you! We can raise them, together!"

I shook my head sadly. "Leni… no. I belong in my world, with my family… just like you belong in your world, with yours."

"But…! But Adam…!" She looked up at me beseechingly. "Wh-What if those stalkers come back? They'll find out – they'll find out you've left, and then they'll start stalking me again! Who's going to protect me?"

"You'll still have your family, Leni!"

"But I need you!"

"And you'll have me, Leni. Don't worry." I placed my hands on her shoulders. "If I say those boys are going to stay away from you from now on, then they're darn well gonna!"

"How do you know?! You won't be here!"

I exhaled, looking from side to side. "Okay, Leni… can I let you in on a little secret?"

Leni blinked – she hadn't been expecting this. "A-A secret?"

I nodded. "Listen closely… because what I'm about to tell you… is going to blow your mind."

Leni, intrigued, leaned in.

"Leni…" I took a deep breath, and then laid it out for her:

"…we're in a fanfic."

Leni stared at me uncomprehendingly for a few seconds. "Wh… Wha…?"

"One of my fanfics, to be precise. I'm writing it right now."

"You are?"

"Yes. I just wrote about how I was writing this fanfic right now. I'm currently writing about how I wrote about how I was writing this fanfic right now. And I'm about to write you saying, 'Really?'"

"Really?" Leni started, amazed. "Oh, wow! How did you do that?!"

"Leni, I'm the writer. Whatever I want to happen, happens." I sighed. "And… that's the problem."

"What do you mean?"

"Leni, I realized this back when I found out that you were being stalked – those creeps were only after you because of me."

"Wh-What?!"

"That's another reason why I have to go, in fact – I'm a corrupting influence on this world! Leni, those creeps who were stalking you were only stalking you because I needed antagonists to fight in this fanfic!"

"A-Antagonists? For you to fight?"

"Leni…" I pursed my lips. "I'm ashamed to admit it, but the truth is… this is all just a stupid self-insert wish-fulfillment fantasy!"

"Self-insert… wish-fulfillment…?"

"Yes! I wrote this story so that I could meet and interact with you and your family, and also win your heart! But in my eagerness to finally meet you, I overlooked the fact that I was completely insane! That's why I invented those stalkers, and why I brutalized them as badly as I did, not realizing that it would affect you so strongly!"

"I…" Leni shook her head. "I'm confused…"

"Look, let me break it down for you – because I'm in your world, those stalkers were here, stalking you. That's why I have to go."

Leni stared at me, unsure how to feel. On the one hand, she loved me, so she didn't want to go. On the other hand, she didn't want more people like those stalkers to harass her. On the other other hand, she was pretty freakin' confused by all of this.

"Leni…" I cupped her face in my hands, and gave her one last kiss. "I know you love me… but I have to go."

Leni looked at me. She understood (she thought), but she still didn't like it. "Oh, Adam…"

"Don't worry, Leni – I'll always be watching over you. I won't let anything happen to you. W-Well, I mean, except for that one time, in The Axeman Cometh…"

"What?"

"Nothing." I lifted her chin up. "And don't worry – I've got a story planned for the future where you meet your true love! So, buck up, girl! You won't be alone!"

"Really, Adam?"

"Really. I do care about you, Leni – enough to want you to be happy with someone else."

"Aww… So, who is this person?"

"Uhhh…" I gave a nervous grin. "Heh, heh… I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise…"

"Ooh, I like surprises!"

"I know you do, Leni. I know you do."

Behind me, the wormhole fully materialized. "It's time, Adam," Lisa said.

I nodded at her, then turned back to Leni. "Well… this is it…"

Leni wore a sad smile. "Yeah…"

I took Leni by the shoulders one last time, gazing deep into her beautiful dark eyes… then pulled her in for a hug, which she returned.

"…Goodbye, Leni," I said.

Leni nuzzled my chest. "Goodbye, Adam. And thank you… for everything."

We separated, and I gave her a wink before turning to Lisa. "Thank you so much for your help, Lisa."

"Thank you, psychopath," Lisa said. "Thanks to you, I have a whole new universe to explore!"

"Uh, actually, this is a fanfic, so, you won't actually be able to travel to my universe…"

"What?!"

"Sorry, Lisa."

My goodbyes said, I walked backwards into the wormhole, embedding Leni's smile in my heart.

And as the wormhole enveloped me completely, I uttered a sentence that reverberated across spacetime:

"Thank you, and have a nice day!"