I have no idea when this story took hold of me, but it has. This song definitely fits Dalton in my opinion, and I think it works best with an OC. That said, I used a lovely friend's first name for the OC, so I hope she enjoys her 10k fling with our favorite CO. This is set in both the past and the present. Since we really don't know about any exes in his past (other than that very brief mention on the whiteboard picture Dean posted on Twitter ;D) I thought I'd play around.
Also, that same BTS picture also mentioned Dalton's unconscious need of something more than the Army. But you know, unconscious. So I'm playing with that, too. And, I don't know if it's been discussed how his sister died, so I kept that very basic and vague.
I really do suggest if you haven't heard 'Colder Weather' by Zac Brown Band, you check it out. Its a beautiful song and it really does best when you hear it.
And finally, I own absolutely nothing. This show belongs to Dean and NBC and I'm merely torturing his characters for fun while we wait for news on Season two. RENEW THE DANG BRAVE!
PeaceLoveJaz
She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane
Its mid winter in Colorado and there's snow on the ground in front of the apartment building nestled in the outskirts of town. She's standing in the doorway, watching a man retreat before her. His broad shoulders and buzz-cut hair are the only thing she can make out in the darkness, trying to cling to his features in her head, and she takes a deep breath to stop herself from letting the tears come. She folds her arms across her chest, seeing him open the door to a familiar truck she'd spent many a time in, and closes her eyes.
Every part of her wants to call out to him and tell him to come back.
But this run-around with him is killing her more and more each time. She can't do it. For her own sanity, she's letting him go. Besides, she's come to realize that it isn't her he needs, as much as she wants him to be.
The cold air blows viciously in her doorway, and her thin cardigan does little to stop the shivering of her body. A part of her wonders if it's the cold or the aching in her chest that causes this. She'd do anything for the man sitting in the truck in front of her, but she knows his heart is elsewhere these days. Maybe she's a part of that. After all, she was the one who told him to pursue a dream. The naïve part of her assumed he would take her with him.
She doesn't believe it's personal—he has always been a rational person who follows rules and regulations. He doesn't believe in going off course.
She closes the door to her apartment, allowing him to make his choice. It isn't really a choice. She knows if the roles were reversed, he would want her to do the same. Hell, he'd resent himself if he stopped her from pursuing one. It's a selfish reason really.
The red truck revs to a start, and she's in the window now, still unable to peel her eyes away. As much as she's hurting, she loves him so deeply and she would wait an eternity for him to change his mind and turn around, to tell her she's always been worth it and he's sorry. A pair of dog tags float in the rearview mirror, swaying back and forth in a rhythm.
Lights flash and her eyes are back open, red taillights casting glowing shadows on her walls and on her somber expression. She thought back when they were sixteen and he was taken away by red lights—she thought nothing could hurt worse. She knows he frequently relives the agony of that night to his day. Standing here, arms wrapped around herself in a lonesome apartment, she knew that wasn't true—things can hurt much, much worse. It felt like someone had ripped off a band-aid they just placed on her body, leaving her vulnerable and alone.
She loves Adam Dalton with all her heart. He just loves the Army more.
Colder Weather
The summer is a humid and hot one, and they spend most days on the lake just outside of town. It's manmade, so it's perfectly round but unusually quiet for such a beautiful day. The sun is beaming down beside them, the pair clad in tiny bathing suits and resting on a torn beach towel, faded lettering of the college her cousin attended below them. She loves this weather, adores sitting beside him feeling his warmth and the rise and fall of his broadening chest. She would sit here forever, and would feel she never missed a thing.
The past spring had done well for Adam Dalton. He was no longer the scrawny, lanky kid she met two years previous. He'd filled out in all the important areas, and somehow, she fit perfectly in the crook of his shoulder. She discovered this only a few weeks back, when she decided hell with emotions and waiting, and kissed him.
Teenage lust and passion replaced questioning, and the two of them snuck away to the lake as often as they could, away from Adam's little sisters who always wanted to be with him, and away from the watchful eye of her parents. Spending even a little too much time with a boy meant she couldn't get into that Ivy League college they wanted her to attend, and she hated it. Adam was bright, but from his own words, not "college bright", and knew he'd never end up beside her. Still, she loved him as much as she could at sixteen. She took his faults and all that came with him. In her eyes, that was love. And for a sixteen year old, it should be enough.
He is resting beside her, eyes closed while the water glistened as it dried off his body. He's unaware that she is appreciating every inch of him, her eyes greedily taking in what they could. Her own self-indulgence got the better of her, and she put her hands on his chest, slowly maneuvering her fingers from his belly-button and up, feeling the muscles become taut at her gentleness, a tiny smile slyly appearing on his face. She reached his upper chest, moving to his arm until she found herself pausing, flirtatious smile falling at the sight of the fading deep bruise.
She considers her choices, and then decides she loves every piece of him and carefully continues her quest.
"It's okay," he rumbles quietly. "It doesn't hurt anymore."
She bites down on her lip at the sentence, not sure if he means that figuratively or literally. Every inch of her hates this part of him; hates that she is forced to watch him come over her house late at night when her parents are asleep and his father is passed out from a drunken haze, slipping in through the open window and usually landing ungracefully onto her floor. He's usually favoring a body part at that point, or buried under a sweatshirt too large for his body. The man is careful not to leave marks where people can see him and her anger flares at the thought.
She wishes she could do more, to protect him from the one thing Adam Dalton fears. How horrible it must be to have that fear.
"Let me help you," she says suddenly, "I can help you."
He opens his eyes, pale blue and hurting whether he realizes it or not. "I can take care of it." He's quiet for a moment, rolling over so they're facing one another. She wants to scream, tell him this isn't okay, that he doesn't have to deal with this. He's too young to deal with any of this. His strength has always been something that attracts her to him, but sometimes it just feels like ignorance. "I can take care of them."
She leans forward, pulling both of them into a sitting position. She's so close to his face and she feels her lip quiver with emotion. His eyes are boring into hers, and she senses a vulnerability that he doesn't like to show coming through his body.
"You don't have to alone, Adam." In those moments, she makes a pledge to him, though she doesn't verbalize it. Maybe she should have. She would do anything to make sure he gets out of this town, becomes something of himself. Anything less would just be unfair.
He goes silent, leaning back over to lay on the towel. The conversation is over.
At a truck stop diner just outside of Lincoln,
The night is black as the coffee he was drinkin',
And in the waitress' eyes he sees the same 'ol light shinin',
He thinks of Colorado
And the girl he left behind him
He is on the interstate for almost an hour before his stomach rumbles in protest and he pulls off at a 24 hour diner. He parks his red truck near the entrance and goes inside, finding it nearly empty at the eleven o'clock hour. A single waitress greets him, brunette and tiny, a warm smile on her face. She's so young to be working a graveyard shift by herself. The cook in the back doesn't even look up at his entrance.
"Welcome to Bridget's Diner. I'm Ally. Take a seat anywhere. I'll grab you a menu."
He nods curtly, hating how much the young girl reminds him of someone else. He seats himself on a swivel stool near the counter, nodding his thanks a second time for the menu placed in front of him. He's hungry, but not enough to really want to eat. But he's got another thousand miles before he's back near Fort Bragg and knows the dangers of late night driving.
"Are you from around here?" Ally asks. She's holding a pen and paper in one hand, and a dish rag in the other. Her hair is clipped back, a few strands falling into her face. She's got these large and friendly, innocent eyes and a quiet confidence. She's just like her, he realizes. The universe really wants him miserable, he thinks. But she doesn't know why he's haunted by her cheerful disposition, so when her expression falls, he feels guilty. "You seem a little out of it." He shrugs his shoulders, then sighs.
"Can I have a cup of coffee to start?"
"Sure," she replies cheerily, as if her previous statement might have offended him, and pauses. "Cream, milk? Sugar?"
"Black," he hums, and she nods, disappearing behind the counter.
God, he missed the hell out of Kate. He kept screwing up. When he got the courage to call her a few months back and he heard her voice for the first time in a long time, he was thrilled. He wanted to fix things, stop pushing her away.
It'd been nearly two years since he last saw her (sans one badly ended drink date), the last time when Gracie—his little sister—asked him to come back home for a picnic her family was hosting. How the times had changed there. Her family used to disapprove of him, because he was not college bound and definitely not smart enough to be with their brilliant daughter. He never expected Gracie to become friends with Kate. It made sense, of course. They were close in age and both female. But they weren't friends when they were teenagers, it was Adam that spent all the time with Kate.
He fell in love with her the summer they both turned sixteen. He spent every moment by her side, whether it by at the lake, or in her bedroom late at night hiding out from his own demons. She never questioned him, at least not often, and he could escape. She understood what he went through, knew that he needed his moments to decompress. Her room was his safe haven where no one could hurt him.
It was everything to him, she was everything, and back then, he never imagined their paths ever going difference directions. Stupid, maybe. She was college bound from the moment she was born because of his parents, and he was convinced that he would never even make it to a community school. The Army recruiter outside the school one day gave him a path. At the time, he did it because he had nothing else to do.
Kate didn't go to school right away. She decided, when she graduated, that she wanted time for herself. She worked so tirelessly for her parents and defiantly went traveling across the country for almost a year before she buckled back down and realized it wasn't her calling. She didn't get into that Ivy League school they wished for her, but she found a wonderful college in Colorado that she loved.
She wrote letters. He was in Basic Training when she was somewhere in Washington, hiking down trails for fun and discovering the country that they both loved so much. He finished boot camp and was stationed at Fort Bragg, Kate telling him of her adventures in the middle of nowhere, when the towers were hit. The two of them watched the nightmare unfold over the phone, seeing the absolute discourse run ragged on their people.
Adam heard talks of invasions and revenge all through his unit's barracks for nearly a year before they got the notice that they would begin training for deployment. It was summer of 02 when he got the call from Gracie asking him to come home for the picnic; it was also the last time he'd see Kate when he still felt like the same person he was as a teenager. Maybe that's when it all started to go downhill.
Well it's a winding road
When your in the lost and found
You're a lover I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here
Summer of '02
"There is a ton of talk of invading Iraq soon," Adam murmurs, sitting on Kate's picnic table with her, while her parents socialize with the neighborhood folks, Gracie flirting with a kid who used to live down the street from him. This was all very weird for him, knowing that he hadn't been in this neighborhood since CPS took him and his sisters out when they were sixteen years old. He kept in touch with Kate, thankfully, but the house next door brought back bad memories. He rubs his hands into his thighs of his jeans, wishing he could grab one of the beers floating in the cooler near the door, but he is only twenty and her parents are hard-asses.
He's talking nonsense mostly, anything to fill the silence. He wanted to see Kate—he hadn't seen her since his basic training graduation—but he's so unsure of himself and he can't figure out why. A part of him reasons it's the instability of being so close to his old house, but another part of him knows its because change is coming.
They aren't kids anymore.
"You okay?" Kate is sitting beside him, dressed in a light yellow sundress, her dark hair in a ponytail. She gives him a gentle smile, a knowing one because she knows him, and elbows him in the side. "You can talk to me, you know."
"I'm alright. Just a lot to take in."
"You never answered my last letter," she reminds him. "You've been quiet lately in general. Is everything okay? You know you can call me any time, right? Cell phones are a great invention."
He nods. "I know. Sorry. They think we'll deploy soon."
Their relationship is weird now; they're not together anymore, decided when he joined the Army they should remain friends until they had more stability in their lives but he aches for her touch to comfort him. She has a way with it. Maybe breaking up was a bad decision. Kate's one of the few people who get him. She understands him.
"Are you scared?"
Kate is giving him an earnest stare, but she's also hiding her own worry. She knows what war is like. Her father deployed to Vietnam when she was young, came back very different. It was only when one of his battle buddies told him he was going to leave his wife a widow did he get it together.
"Not scared," he decides. "Worried maybe. I just hope we can get them." He closes his eyes, thinking about the news over the last year or so. "So many innocent lives, K. They had no say. It's up to us to make sure they get their peace."
She nods thoughtfully. She understands this. There's this human collectiveness that runs through the country these days, they all want this vengeance.
"The Army has given you purpose." She also knows it's given him a direction out of this small Pennsylvania town that has haunted him for so many years. A part of her is mad at Gracie for inviting him back here—she lost a sister that night too, but Adam was the one who had to make it all better.
"What?"
She toys with a loose strand on her dress, and continues, "You seem more sure of yourself. You know what you want, I guess." She doesn't want to admit that she worried about him before this; worried that he would never find his way. His father did a real number on him.
It could've ruined him.
"That's good, right?"
She nods. She doesn't want to admit either that she always thought she would be the one to give him that purpose. "It is."
"Don't worry about me," he says suddenly, sensing what he thought was fear. There is, but it's more than that. He didn't know it then.
"I want you in one piece," she reminds him. "So when it happens, be careful."
The emotions between them are running haywire, but he's trying to keep it together. When he agreed to come to this picnic, he knew he needed it, but he also wanted to make sure he saw Kate one more time before all the shit hit the fan. He knew the talks about invading weren't just talks, and it was only a matter of time before he deployed. He wanted her to be okay and at peace with him going overseas somewhere into a hostile environment, even if it meant that she was without him.
"I'm always careful," he grins.
She rolls her eyes, taking a sip of the iced tea beside her. "I applied for school in the fall. I'll be going to the University of Colorado. I found out last week." She made this choice a while back, but no one else had to know that.
He blinks back surprise, trying to process the bomb she just dropped on him. "I thought you wanted to travel and see the world."
She shrugs, "I have for almost two years. I've done my rebellion to my parents, and now I'm going to work on getting myself back in line. I want to get my nursing degree, but I want to do it on my own terms and my own way."
"What do your parents think of this?"
She flips her hair and moves so that the sun isn't in her eyes. He has a clear view of his old house now, and he can see the window which he used to climb out of late at night to go see her. The room is pink now, a poster of the Backstreet Boys where he used to have one of Nirvana. Life is weird. He wonders who lives inside, wonders if she knows what happened in that house.
"They're supportive, I guess. I mean, they are still a little mad I didn't go for the school they wanted me to, but I think they've realized they can't live through me. I need to make my own path."
He nods, proud of her. "I'm happy for you. Make sure you get me your address so I can keep in touch. Big, fancy college girl is going to have all these men fawning over her, hope I can keep up in the race."
Her cheeks darken momentarily and damn it, he wants to kiss her. She's not interested in that anymore, and a part of him does cherish the friendship they have instead. Maybe they would've burnt out already had they not made this choice. He'd rather he be in her life for the rest of it than be her lover for only a few.
"Adam Dalton, stop it. You're one of the most important parts of my life."
She waits for a similar retort, but he's just smiling at her.
Dalton grins at the girl.
He elbows her back, one of their things, and she laughs. A peace settles over him.
He missed this girl.
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin' man
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'
Back in the diner, he realizes he's zoned out. He misses the girl terribly, misses the carefree innocence they both had at one point. They kept in touch all through the summer and into the fall, when he got word they would be deploying very soon. He knew the date, but he told her he didn't because they just couldn't risk the dangers of the wrong people finding out.
Spring of 2003, at only twenty-one years old, he deployed with his unit. They were one of the first units in Iraq for the invasion. He saw combat for the first time. At first, it was exciting and felt purposeful, to be useful as an American soldier for the first time since he signed up. They led the way in their convoys, in their minds getting closer and closer to taking down the man who took down the towers. Then, they lost a few men, and as the spring bore into summer, and the summer into fall, he saw more blood and bodies than he thought any person should ever see.
He kept in contact with Kate at first. He wrote letters, promising his safety and hopes to return to her soon. She chatted excitedly about school, so eager to learn and make her own difference in the world. She attached pictures to her letters, one of her in her University of Colorado sweatshirt against a pretty hiking trail, grinning ear to ear. He carried that one with him almost every time they left their small, broken down base. She was his angel.
As time went on and he saw more and more horrors, it got to him. He witnessed one of his Sergeants blown up, his mangled body the only thing he saw when he closed his eyes at night.
There was blood spilled on each side and it felt never ending.
He clung to a fellow soldier named Chris. They were inseparable and often led prank wars on each other in their little downtime. Chris was the same age as him, and his girlfriend back home was pregnant. He talked about her constantly, and a part of him felt the pride too when Chris's son Alex was born.
Even as time wore on and the winter turned into the spring, having been there nearly a year, he tried to keep the focus. He felt himself swim in his thoughts some days, hating his own being, but Kate's letters came weekly and were a guiding light in the darkness. Chris shared his own letters and care packages full of baked goods, stories of little Alex learning the ropes of the world enough to keep his platoon in decent spirits, at least publicly. One night after they breached a city and a bomb went off, Chris was the one to find a small child's body. The man must've puked for nearly an hour.
"The kid wasn't much older than Alex," he swore angrily, kicking the cement wall of the building they were taking refuge in. "What the fucking fuck. I want that guy's head on a fucking fork." His rage quickly diminished and the man added, "I want to go home."
He understood. They saw things that others could only imagine in their nightmares on the daily. They were in a war zone that was brutal and unforgiving, only getting worse as the temperatures began to rise again for the summer.
By the time the fall rolled around, they were all on edge, wanting to go home and get the hell out of the shit hole they were in. They lost another two men last week, and were told they would probably get to leave sometime in the early winter. Kate's letters were still coming, but he found himself struggling to answer them. She asked how he was doing, but how did he tell the woman that he witnessed a woman blow herself up last week in front of them? Did she want to know about how much blood they spilled over the last few months? He stopped answering after a while.
They were out on mission in early November, crossing through a relatively deserted town to capture a hospital in the heart of Fallujah. It was a necessary diversion so another unit could take down a heated part of the town. The hospital was much less guarded then other parts of the city. It would confuse the enemy. So they were careful as they moved into the abandoned hospital, using their training to clear each area.
They were almost finished when Chris got hit. He watched him fall to the ground—no heroics like in the movies—and not move from where he collapsed. His unit pushed forward, taking out the threat around them quickly. Adam had his own plans. He focused his attention on the enemy who took out Chris, his gun on his side while he pulled a knife out of his pocket. He wanted him to suffer. The man spoke quickly in a foreign tongue and Adam smirked, relieving him of the words by slitting his throat.
The blood sprayed across his face, coating him. The insurgent's voice was gone and the life was depleting from his eyes, but his lips still moved.
Unfazed, he continued his assault, peppering the already motionless man's body with his fists. He was so angry that he took his friend's life, a man with a young son and a girlfriend back home, that he couldn't see clearly anymore. He had his fist raised for another swing when someone grabbed the back of him and lugged him off.
His vision cleared to see his CSM—Sergeant Major—standing over him, still talking though he couldn't hear a word he said. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his fellow soldiers picking up Chris and moving him out of the way.
Adam looked around him. His fellow soldiers looked concerned.
He felt sick to his stomach as his adrenaline dissipated and he became aware of what he did.
This country was taking his humanity, and he knew he needed to get out.
"You look like you really need this coffee."
The thoughts in his head left as he was brought back again to the diner. The young waitress standing in front of him reaches forward to offer him the black coffee. She doesn't look alarmed by his lack of focus, as if she was used to lost souls coming through this place late at night. She takes a seat a few stools away and smiles. He ignores who it reminds him of. "We have a really nice blend right now. I think you'll like it."
He glances down at the dark drink, the steam reaching his nostrils, filling them with the aroma. He gives her a brief smile. "Thank you."
She shrugs her shoulders. "What branch of military are you?"
Adam hesitates. "How'd you figure that out?"
Ally stands back up, going over to wipe down a table that looked clean to his eye. She comes back around, dropping the rag on the back counter then returns to him. "I have a close friend in the military. I can tell the type from a mile away. I'm guessing Army, but you're a few hours from the nearest base here. Just passing through?"
"Yeah," he admits, though he knows he shouldn't be so forthcoming with people he doesn't know. A little voice tells him that he's not on enemy land anymore and people aren't threats, but its now inside of him, a constant struggle to realize the good versus the bad. "I'm stationed in Fort Bragg."
"That's North Carolina, right?"
"Yes."
She nods. "Are you on leave?"
He's surprised she's so fast to ask questions, but he's relieved to not have to think about leaving Kate… again. "Yeah. I leave in a few weeks for training. I was…" He trails off. Tying up loose ends? Finishing what he started? Hating himself further? He doesn't want some stranger to take pity on him, but from the softening look on her face she already does.
"I don't need to know the details." She leans forward. "How about some food?"
Adam nods, and he closes his eyes at Ally's bright smile. He knows he shouldn't have left Kate like that, said that it couldn't work, it shouldn't work, and gave her no option in any of it. Kate came to see him after he returned from deployment. He was in Fort Bragg and she showed up at his barracks sometime in February, asking if they could go get a drink together. He stopped answering her letters and after that night in the hospital, and never even told her he was home.
"I had to find out from Gracie, Adam," she said over a beer, her eyes showing the hurt she felt. She's running her hands over the condensation, trying her hardest to get him to meet her eyes. He swallows hard, knowing that Gracie wanted them together. Gracie is the sister he feels closer to, knowing Lauren didn't understand any of what he chose to do since turning eighteen, and he rarely saw her. Gracie was only a year younger than him and they looked like twins from an outsider's perspective. Right now, he wants to flip on her. She had no right to tell Kate he was home. "I thought the worst, you know that right? When you stopped replying to my letters and my emails, I thought you got hurt. That you might be holed up somewhere in a hospital and no one knew."
He swigs his beer, knowing he had no answer for her. He wanted to let people forget about him, so that they never had to feel the darkness he felt that night in November.
"Adam!" she snapped, grabbing hold of his bicep and shaking him. "Won't you talk to me?"
He knew by the way she looked at him that there was something different about the both of them. He sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry."
He left her that night for the first time.
"Is it a woman?" Ally brings him back to the present again, and he can tell by her face that she didn't mean to ask it. She gives him a sheepish smile and tucks a strand of dark hair out of her face. The more he looks at her, the more he sees Kate. "Sorry. I'm incredibly nosy. That was rude of me. Don't answer that."
He gives her half a smirk, and goes back to staring at the abyss of his cup.
"Here. Best burger and fries in town." The girl laughs musically and shrugs. "Alright, so we're the only diner in town. But really, they're good. And on the house. Enjoy them."
He looks at her quizzically and she holds up her hands.
"You serve. It's the least we can do. No arguments."
He doesn't answer, because she folds her arms across her chest and it's all he has in him not to completely lose it right then and there. Why is a random woman in a diner on the interstate reminding him so much of a woman he just left? The universe is a cruel son of a bitch.
It was nearly April when he was called into the office of his CSM. It marked just over four years in the military, though it felt like fifty. The man was hard to read, though that's not uncommon in men of his service. He told him to sit, and told him he was concerned. He goes on and on for some time, and Adam was about to truly tune him out when the man stated, "Do you think Private Wilken would've wanted this?"
"What?"
"You heard me, Sergeant. You haven't been yourself since we got back. I know you're a good man, an even better soldier but you can't let his death break you. I'm coming to you first before the Army does because right now you're a liability, soldier. I'm asking you to get help if you need it, and to retrain that focus somewhere positive." His superior nodded gruffly and he pointed toward outside, where several soldiers were working out. "You are one of them. You are part of a team."
He nodded, not sure what to say.
"I want to see you in two weeks."
That night, he was in his room, being pissed off by his CSM's comments when he noticed an alert on the computer across the room. It was an email from Chris's widow, the woman he interacted with so many times in the nearly two years they were deployed. Inside the email were pictures of Alex, nearly two years old. He was holding a picture of Chris and himself in one photo, beaming proudly at the camera.
Hey Adam, miss you. I hope you're doing alright. I got these pictures taken the other day for Alex's second birthday. I thought you'd like to see the one of you and Chris. He looks so much like him, don't you think? Some days are rough, but when I look at Alex, I can see his father and it gives me hope to push on. Let me know if you want to meet up for lunch sometime soon, I think it would be beneficial for us all. Love, Remy.
He met her for lunch, even though he didn't want to. Remy was stronger than most women he'd ever met, somehow pushing on as a single mother and widow at the age of twenty-two. They had lunch in an outside café that faced a river, where Alex ran back and forth with toys, showing Adam each of them and demanding his attention. He was always good with kids, since two of his sisters were a few years younger than him. He wasn't sure if he'd make a good father, since his sort of ruined that idea for him.
"How are you doing?"
Remy took a sip of her water.
He shrugged, giving her a fake smile. "Good."
"Bullshit. You look like hell."
Honest woman. "Touché."
"Adam," she started darkly. "I can see the difference in you, and if I can, I'm sure everyone else can. What are you doing to yourself?"
"I miss him," he murmured quietly, the first time he truly spoke about Chris since it all went down. "I feel like I failed him, and I feel like it should've been me, not him in that spot. He had the family to come home to. What did I have?"
"I'm sure Kate would love to know you felt that way," she said back, giving him a pointed look.
It was like he couldn't stop himself. "It doesn't matter. I'm not with Kate anymore. I haven't been since we were eighteen." He took a deep breath, feeling way too vulnerable. "I went right for the guy that killed Chris, Rem. I lost sight of being on a team, and I went and took my own revenge until someone had to stop me. What makes me better then the asshole that put the bullet in Chris?"
Remy looked horrified, but she quickly composed herself. "Adam, you're a soldier. You signed up to do the unimaginable under some of the worst circumstances that a man must face. Someone you cared deeply about was taken from you unfairly." She paused to compose herself and he hated himself in those moments for making her feel this way. From the corner of his eye, he saw Alex give them both a curious stare. "But you are not a monster. You acted in the moment, but you're not a monster."
He didn't respond.
"We all have a dark side, Adam," she added. "And its up to us to either give into it and let life go to hell, or we can focus on the positive inside of us, and use it to create a better tomorrow." She pointed to the grass where Alex was digging in the dirt, gleefully tossing it into the air and all over him. "Its easy to give up and give into ourselves. It takes true character to push on."
That night, he went back to his barracks and thought about what Remy said. Something clicked within him.
In a few months, he was back at performing at the top, focused on being the best he could be for his fellow soldiers and for himself.
He even reached out to Kate, who welcomed him back as if nothing had ever gone wrong. They spent months talking late at night, getting to know each other all over again. She was halfway through college at this point, eager to finish and start a career. He fell in love with the woman a second time.
They made plans for late winter (after the holidays) when he was granted three weeks leave, to road trip across the country like they always talked about as teenagers. They weren't technically together, but he felt at ease around her and wanted nothing more to build their relationship back up.
The same CSM approached him several months into the fall of 2005, congratulating him on his successes. Adam nodded his thanks, unsure of why he was back in the man's office if he was doing well. The older man pulled out a file, and he recognized it as the paperwork he applied for two months ago after one night talking with Kate. A conversation on direction and goals. It was his Delta Force paperwork.
"I'm accepted?"
The man nodded. "You are."
"When can I start training?"
"Next session is in five weeks right after Christmas."
His heart plummeted in his chest. It was the same time he planned on the road trip with Kate. "Problem, Sergeant?"
He swallowed thickly. "Nothing. Thank you. I accept." He took the paperwork from his superior and gave him a tight smile. "I'll make you proud."
"I know you will."
That was two weeks ago. He is able to get a shorter leave before Christmas to come to Colorado and break the news to Kate. Delta Force Training meant he'd be off the radar for about six months, unable to communicate with Kate in the way she was used to. He needed this job. He needed to have some sort of focus and mission to continue and he wanted her to understand that.
She doesn't understand that being a soldier has become his being. He isn't sure he's a good man, but he knows he's a damn good soldier.
For Kate, it just seems as if he was breaking another promise to him, getting up and leaving him again and again.
She stares at him a long time before she folds her arms and shakes her head.
"What?"
"You're always leaving me," she murmurs, and he hears the broken tone in her voice. "Even when it's not your fault, since you were sixteen years old, you've left me."
"Are you seriously trying to blame me for being taken away by CPS? After Evie?"
Kate shakes her head this time quickly. "Of course I'm not blaming you, but maybe fate is trying to tell me to give this up. Maybe what I want and you need is just not the same thing. Maybe its better that way."
"I never left you back then. I was halfway across town. We were together until we were eighteen years old!" He doesn't expect this response. He feels the need to defend himself, but he knows in some ways, she's right.
She nods, her eyes glistening with tears. Something seems to come over her, but he can't place it. It's like she's realized something for the first time. "Then you decided to leave again and join the Army."
"You wanted to travel! What was I supposed to do? I had no money; I was being kicked from the foster home in three weeks, I didn't have parents that could pay for me to hop in a Jeep and take off toward God knows where! I had no choice."
"No, Adam. You made that choice before I said I wanted to travel," she whispers, and he thinks back. A sinking feeling comes over him, and he knows she is right. One conversation over winter break came to mind, when she asked him what they were going to do after high school. He'd met with the Army recruiter a few days previous and was talking about the Army non stop. He never thought about her and how that might've made her feel.
He tries to think of how to properly respond. "It was the best option for me. You could've still went to school."
"I wanted to travel with you, Adam. I wanted to show you that the world wasn't the shit hole that your father left you with. Do you remember the night you found out about Evie's death? You were working at that grocery store and my mom and I came and got you. We took you to the hospital so you could say goodbye." She is crying now, her tears full on sobs, shaking her head over and over. "You said the world was a dark place and you needed to get lost somewhere." She smiles sadly. "I promised once we were out of high school that we would take on the world together. We'd go wherever you wanted." She wipes her tears. She places a hand on his chest, "You forgot."
"I didn't do it purposely," he insists, as if that makes any of it better.
Kate smiles again, her lip quivering. "I know you didn't. I should be used to this now, but I guess I'm not. You're best when you're on the go, Adam. You're not going to change. You get direction and you follow it." She uses her cardigan to cover herself, crossing her arms. "I'm not going to stop you from doing this. I know you want this, and I know how much it means to you. So, as much as it kills me, I'm giving you my blessing. Go on, go take the world and put it through the ringer."
He can't find words, which was not a normal occurrence for him. Somehow he re-found himself, but was losing the girl who meant the most to him in the process.
"Remember when we were sixteen on the lake and I asked you where you wanted to go if you could leave now and never look back?"
He thought back to being a teenager, sitting on that lake with the young girl beside him. Everything seems so different now. "Yeah. I remember."
Kate lets out a strangled laugh, halfway a cry. "You wanted to see the world. Delta will let you do that. You have my blessing," she repeats.
"I…" He stops mid sentence. He doesn't want to make it worse. He knows what she is saying is right, and he isn't sure why he showed up at her apartment in the middle of the night, especially since it was only breaking her heart. What did he expect when he told he would be gone for six months? "Thank you."
He gathers his things, and turns toward the door, hesitating because he knows the next sentence out of his mouth will be wrong. "This isn't goodbye, Kate. I want to see you again. Can I call tomorrow? So we can talk when we're both thinking clearer…"
She doesn't answer.
It'll take him some time to realize it, but she understands he can't have a foot in both worlds. He needs to either focus on the Army, or focus on her.
He nods, and leaves into the cold night.
Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
'Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change
I gotta gypsy soul
And I was born for leavin' (born for leavin')
10 years later
"Damn it Jaz, what did I tell you about leaving the coffee pot empty?" He yells into the hallway, where Jaz Khan just disappeared into a room, a sly smile on her face. He rolls his eyes, hating that he had to make a fresh pot. It was one of his rules. If you finished the pot, you put a new one on for the next person. Jaz was notorious for doing just the opposite.
A "SORRY TOP!" came from down the hallway, and he pauses to smile. He loves that little ninja.
Preach walks into the room with Elijah, and they both eye the empty coffee pot with knowing eyes. "Oh man."
"Sucks to be you, Top," Elijah laughs.
"Where is McG?" he asks. He went out with them earlier.
"He found a lady from another unit on the way back," Elijah states, rolling his eyes. "I bet Preach twenty bucks that she lays him out flat on the ground."
He raises an eyebrow. McG could be quite the ladies man, and he was never good at balancing his love life and this job. He could do what Dalton did. Just cut love out of it completely. It seemed to work better that way. He didn't date because dating meant he got attached, and the only attachment he needed was to his team.
Preach smirks at him as he measures the ingredients to start a new cup, sitting down on the couch of the main area. He stretches out, putting the TV on. He's got it on a twenty-four hour news channel that focuses on the states, and there is a giant BREAKING NEWS headline coming across the screen. Preach turns up the volume, and the three team members turn to face the screen as a news reporter speaks about an attack on an ER in Colorado.
"We're getting spotty reports from inside the hospital. It would seem the bomber walked into the ER a little after midnight and demanded vengeance for his brother's death. He then, according to eye witness reports, revealed a bomb, giving little time for anyone to react. Several nurses tried to shield their patients as he set it off, and a witness says they believe two of them may have saved others lives…"
Adam shakes his head in anger, thinking about how cruel it was for someone to do something so vile to a group of innocent people being in the name of vengeance but also understands how it feels in the heat of the moment to lose someone you care about. It's a hard battle he fights daily when things go south on a mission. Before he got his own team, he lost several men, good men, while with Delta. Today, he tries his hardest to get his entire team home each night. Jaz is the newest member of his team—she's young and proved a lot to get where she is as a woman, but sometimes he wonders if she can be a little reckless to prove her point. He knows she makes a great addition to their team, though and he's willing to work with that.
Hours pass. Jaz challenges McG to a horseshoe duel outside, and they forget about what is happening in Colorado for several hours. Only when McG loses pitifully to their dark horse do they head back inside, the same news station still on the TV. They're releasing names of the victims at this point, and he listens as he starts dinner for their team.
Fran Mitchell, 29 year old nurse is remembered by her friends and family as a bright light in the community, always a smile on her face. The newscaster pauses. Katelynn Winters, 33 came to Colorado almost fifteen years ago to study nursing.
He drops the glass dish in his hands and it shatters to the floor, but he doesn't notice because he's facing the TV intently at this point, eyes glued to an older but familiar smiling face on the screen. He hasn't seen her in almost ten years, but she's just as beautiful as he remembers. He feels his vision go spotty and he forces himself to continue to listen to what they say about it. He forced himself almost ten years ago to keep her out of his immediate thoughts, knowing nothing ever good came from their relationship.
Even when Gracie tries to talk about her, he changes the subject. He can't have one foot in the water there, he's bound to get electrocuted.
Remembered by her family as a loving daughter and dedicated nurse, she was one of the nurses who covered their patient to shield them from the attack. Ms. Winters is also known in the community for her volunteer work with homeless veterans, getting them medical services. She recently did an interview with us, if you remember Ken. The female newscaster sighs, looking at the male. He nods. She says she was inspired by an old friend to care for the veteran community. Such a light gone…
"Top? What's wrong?"
He glances at the clock on the wall, calculating the time difference for the states. "I need to call my sister."
Somehow, a decade's amount of avoidance comes barreling into his vision. A million thoughts are clouding his judgment and he knows he will never have a chance to change the past.
He leaves the room without further comment.
He doesn't know what he's doing at the funeral. He hates himself for allowing this to be this way. He hates the person who walked into that ER even more. Beside him, Gracie stands in a long black dress, covered by a heavy black coat, her hand in Adam's. He feels especially vulnerable in this Pennsylvania small town, surrounded by Kate's family and those closest to her. It's a closed casket, which makes him sick to his stomach, and people are up speaking about the beautiful woman, people he doesn't recognize. A young woman about Gracie's age speaks about rooming with Kate after graduating, how dedicated and loving she was. He knows this. He always knew this.
Another person steps up. It's a man. His curiosity is peaked as he says, "I dated Kate for about six months and in those six months we realized we were absolutely terrible for each other. We remained friends afterward. She was a lovely woman, so dedicated to her profession, and so loved by many. She helped me so much with my second child and I can never repay her for that. I know she is going to be missed by so many and there is nothing in our hearts that can ever bring that whole feeling back…"
The rest of the service is quick, and Adam pays his respects to her parents, who seem pleased to see him, even if they are sobbing messes by the time they lower her casket into the ground. Gracie interacts with a few old friends, and the crowd dissipates.
"Are you Dalton?"
The man from before stands before him. He's about the same height, but much thinner than him. Yet they have the same hair color, same color eyes. Eerily similar smiles… "Sorry, do I know you?"
"No, but I know you." The man smiles ruefully. "You're the reason that Kate couldn't commit to anyone."
He swallows hard. "Excuse me?"
"I hold no resentment," he adds, showing a ring on his finger. "I'm married with two kids now, but uh… she spoke of you often. She apologized to me early on," he pauses clearing his throat. "She uh, called me your name on night. And I was convinced she was cheating on me with someone else. I mean, I guess she was in a weird sense, you know? At least mentally. She told me all about you. Said she wasn't over you."
"How long ago was this?"
"Four years ago."
He blinks in shock. "Um…"
"It's okay."
He gives the man a quizzical look. "She knew that you would never be able to give her what she wanted, but she loved you anyway. I think that's why she got so involved with the veteran community. It was her way of being close to you even when you weren't close with her. She keeps a picture of you two in her apartment on the wall. You look young. Maybe you were still teenagers back then. I didn't ask. Anyway, I figured you should know that. I'm sorry for your loss."
He nods, still unable to form any words. Gracie comes up beside him, tears in her eyes. The air is growing colder, a storm is supposed to come into town tonight. It's fall, but unusually cold for this time of year.
"Did I mess up, Gracie?"
"What do you mean?"
He stares at the younger blonde woman with hurting eyes. "I should have worked it out with her. I should've done more. And now she's gone, and I have nothing to show for any of it."
"I think it's easy to say what you could have done now."
This is true.
Gracie sighs, "I think she wanted you to be able to make something of yourself. I just don't think she realized for a long time that doing so didn't necessarily involve her." The woman gives him a faint smile. "I know she loved you Adam, and she wanted what was best for you. And I certainly don't think she would hold any resentment for you wanting to reach your dreams."
Of course she wouldn't. That was what made her so special. And he neglected to notice that until it was too late. She was willing to give up her whole life for him, and he just played some horrible game.
"I'm ready to go. Do you want me to drive you to the hotel, or…?"
He shakes his head. "I'll come find you later. Dinner, right?"
"Yes, Adam," she says, kissing his cheek. "Dinner at seven."
She departs and he finds himself alone in the cemetery. The last time he was inside one of these was with Kate, when he was just out of boot camp and visiting home. He wanted to tell Evie all about the military. She sat with him for hours and let him talk to his dead sister. She never questioned it once.
So he sits. The ground is uneven where they filled it, and there's no one around as far as he can see. He feels strange about sitting here, since there's no headstone yet and they only buried her a few hours ago, but he can't be here much longer, as he's got to head back to Turkey in a few days. He needs to make peace for himself. For the both of them.
"Hey, K…" He trails off. "I don't know what to say." He chuckles. "You always told me I was a man of the right words. What do you think now?" The wind blows, and he realizes his suit is not warm enough for this weather. "It's so cold for this time of year. I know you moved to Colorado to get out of the cold, at least northeastern cold, but I have to say sometimes I miss it." He looks to the sky, where the clouds are swirling, darkening around him. "I have so much to tell you, so much I should apologize for. But I'm not going to do that. I have to think that if you were here right now, you'd be at peace. And you'd want me at peace…" He trails off.
Somewhere in the distance, he hears a car backfire.
"You were always there when I needed you and I took that for granted. I never did the same for you."
"Do you remember Remy? She was Chris's girlfriend. She told me just over ten years ago that I needed to find the light in my life, to keep fighting. That darkness can consume us all but we have the power to fight it and overcome. She always said Alex was her light."
"I have come to realize that the Army is both my light and my dark. I neglected to realize that I didn't need just one reason to find my light. I neglected to thank you for all you did for me. That's on me. You made me a better man and I'm sorry I never told you that."
"I struggle with that today. I know I'm a good soldier, but… what does all of this say about my character?"
He talks about what he knows. "I have my own team now… they're a good group. Preach is single-handedly my best friend. He's a great man. He's got two young kids, his wife has another on the way. Then there is Elijah, who was a bit of a mystery to me for a while. He's grown to really prove himself. There's McG… he plays himself off as this serial womanizer, but it's all a façade. I'm sure of it. He's got a great heart. He's our medic, so he's been through the ringer too. We added Jaz a few months ago. She's a little spitfire, a sniper and she's proved herself time and time again to be better than half of the men. She reminds me of you. Doesn't take no for an answer…. I don't know why I'm telling you about them, but I guess it's because this has been my life for the last decade. I'm just sorry you couldn't have known them too."
"I guess I never learned balance. You were right, you know. I couldn't handle both worlds."
The sky is nearly black now, and he knows the rain is going to start any time. The leave-bare trees sway in the wind, a sweet familiar smell haunting him.
"I wish I could sit here and tell you don't have regrets. Shit, K, I hated myself for years leaving you behind, but I knew I couldn't commit to you in the way you committed to me. It was unfair to you. Just know, I loved you. I always loved you, even if it wasn't in the way that I should have. I can't change that now." He pauses, looking at the ground. "I'm getting older. I see Preach with his kids, and I wonder about life when this is all said and done. I can't be in the military forever. I wish I could have one more chance to make it right, to have something to come home to. But I guess all I have now is this conversation. Preach is a man of faith. He talks a lot about heaven—and a lot of other weird quotes that the team all roll their eyes at. It all seems a bit fairytale, but maybe he's right. And if for some reason all I've done doesn't land me in the latter, I hope one day I'll see you again, and you can tell me all about what I missed."
The rain starts to come down, and he takes that as his cue. "Remember when we were sixteen and carefree on that lake? I want that back. I can't wait til then."
He stands up, watching as big drops of rain coat the ground. "I can't wait til then," he whispers a second time.
When I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait 'til then
I can't wait 'til then