All right, here it is, folks! The very story that kicked off many sequels
and my infamous reputation for writing all that is psychotic! Much thanks
to my readers over at the Jedi Council forums; without you guys, this story
would be nothing.
"My ROSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---Vader
Oh, and yes, they are on earth. LA, to be exact ;-)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Leia was wiping her brow as Luke and Han walked in, carrying boxes.
"Oh good! Is that the china?"
"Yes, dear," Han grunted.
"Put it on the table. Anakin!"
The over-eager 9 year old ran in and stopped directly in front of his mother. "Yes, Mom?"
"Where is Chewie?"
"He's, uh, HELPING Grandpa unpack." Anakin seemed on the verge of cracking up, and Leia frowned suspiciously.
"What do you mean, hel--"
"CHEWBACCA!!!!!"
Anakin laughed loudly and ran outside. Before Leia could catch him, Chewbacca ran in, underwear on his head and socks on his hands. Darth Vader was in hot pursuit.
"Chewbacca! Give me my pressed underwear this instant!!!!!"
Han snorted loudly, beer coming out of his nose. Luke, being the stoic, calm Jedi Master he was, was laughing so hard his face turned red.
Chewbacca dove behind the couch, followed by Vader.
"Give me those underwear, before I give you a REAL taste of the Dark Side!"
Jacen and Jaina ran out. "What's going on?" Jaina asked.
"Dad!" Leia shouted.
Two faces, one wearing a black mask and one furry and dog-like, peered out from behind the couch.
"Yes?" Vader replied.
"SOME of us actually came to this planet for PEACE AND QUIET, and guess what?"
"What?"
"I'M NOT GETTING ANY!!!!!!!!"
The doorbell rang.
"Oh, that must be the pizza delivery boy," Han said.
"You ordered pizza?!" Leia said, still not calmed down.
"Yeah...."
Vader and Chewie resumed their struggle, and Jacen answered the door.
"Hey, dude," the pizza delivery guy said. "Here's your pizza. Can I have my money now?"
"Sure. Here's 20 credits."
The Pizza Boy accepted the money warily. "Hey, what is this? This isn't money!!"
"Grin and bear it," Jacen said, and slammed the door in his face.
"Ok, everyone," Luke said. "Gather round. Here's some pizza."
"Hey, Uncle Luke," Anakin said. "What's pizza?"
"This!" And as Luke lifted the lid, everyone said,
"OOOOOOO!!!"
************************************************
"Jacen, get up."
Jacen rolled over groggily. "Too....early....I.....hate....Earth...."
"Jacen, get your rear out of bed right now."
"Huh, wha?" Jacen sat up, and stared at the frusterated face of his father.
"It's time for school."
"School?! Oh no---"
"Jacen, be quiet and get dressed."
"Yes, Dad," Jacen said, sighing.
____________________________________________________
"Jaina!"
Leia and Mara burst through the door, each carrying a bundle of clothes and makeup.
"Mom! Aunt Mara! It's too early."
"No nonsense," Mara said hotly. "I want you in these clothes this instant."
"Fine...."
Jaina stood up and examined the clothes. "Mom? You don't actually expect me to wear your white gown to school, do you?"
"Oh, but sweetheart, it would look so nice on you!"
"Aunt Mara? Black leather pants? A TANK TOP?!"
"Of course."
Jaina threw up her hands in frusteration. "Alright! Out! I'LL pick out my own clothes!"
Mara and Leia glanced at eachother, shrugged, and left the room.
___________________________________________________________
Anakin was already awake by the time Vader poke his head in. The 9 year old sat on the floor, playing with TIE fighters, X-wings, and the Kenner version of Wedge Antilles.
"Hi, Grandpa!"
"Time to get ready for school."
"Aww, Grandpa, do I have to?"
"Yes. I mean, if it was up to me, you wouldn't have to go, but this pompous planet has laws. If you don't go to school, they'll put your mother and father in jail, and then your parents will be mad at me. Plus, I'll get sued."
"Sued?"
"Nevermind. Just get dressed."
"Okay."
***************************************************
"Sweetheart!" Leia called. "Han? Dear, I must speak with you."
Han stepped out of the bedroom and planted a kiss on his wife's cheek. "Can't talk now, Honey. The Gators are playing the Seminoles tonight!"
Leia held up a hand, but Han had already torn off down the hall and stopped in front of the TV, remote in hand.
"Lesee... ESPN... There we go! Watch the game with us, Sweetheart?"
Leia shook her head. "No, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Mara and I are going to the mall."
Han stared at her, dumbfounded. "The mall? Earth doesn't accept credits, Honey!"
"I know." Leia dug into her pocket, and pulled out a shiny American Express card. "But they do accept credit CARDS."
Han nodded his approval. "Jaina going with you?"
"What a great idea! Girls Night Out!" Leia took off for her daughter's room. "Jaina? Jaina!"
Han sighed loudly and shook his head. Just then, Vader and Jacen strolled in. "Hey Dad," Jacen said. "The game start yet?"
"We got about 5 minutes. Go get some beer for the older guys, a straw for your Grandpa, and some Pepsi for you and Anakin."
"Sure Dad."
The three women ran torwards the door just then, Leia, Mara, and Jaina looking good in black leather miniskirts and their hair done in a french braid. They also had lipstick applied carefully.
"See you later, guys!" Leia called.
They slammed the door, and Han stood dumbfounded for a moment.
"My wife looks GOOD!" he finally exclaimed.
"Oh look, Smuggler," Vader said. "The game's starting."
Han sat down with his beer and watched it carefully. As the Seminoles made their first touchdown, a knock came at the door. Chewie answered it, and roared loudly a few moments later. Han ran to the front door and gasped.
"Come to watch the game, we have," Yoda said, tapping his walking stick.
"Where's the booze, white brotha?" said Mace.
"Feel the Force flow through the football!" Qui-Gon called.
"Master, be curteous," Obi-Wan commented.
"Surprise for big Anakin we have," Yoda said.
The group proceeded to file into the living room, all surrounding a person in the center of their human (and one alien) circle.
"So?" Vader said. "What's the surprise?"
The group stepped aside. Padme grinned. "Surprise!!"
"Mother!" Luke cried. He jumped up and hugged her. Padme kissed him, cheek to cheek.
"How are you all?" she said. "And where's Leia's makeup stash? I need a touchup."
"I'll show you to it," Vader said.
Padme took his arm and giggled. The rest rolled their eyes as they strolled back to Han and Leia's bedroom.
"Anyways," Mace said. "Where's the rest of the beer, brotha?"
"Uh..." Han tried to put it politely. "We weren't expecting company. There isn't exactly enough to go around..."
"Go out and get some, you will. My credits, you will take."
Han sighed. It was gonna be a LOOONG night....
***********************************************
The Gators scored a touchdown, and the crew went wild. Vader and Padme emerged from their--cough---TRIP to the makeup room, and now the entire gang sat on the couches with beer and Pepsi. There was some friction between Obi-Wan and Vader at first, but everything was under control.
The door swung open, and Jaina, Leia, and Mara walked in, followed by Artoo and Threepio.
We're home! And we brought the droids back from the hardware store...Oh, Mother!!" Leia exclaimed, dropping her bags. "It's so great to see you again!"
The two women kissed cheek-to-cheek (Anakin gagged) and sat on the couch.
"Leia, dear, you must let me help you re-decorate this house... Get some old Naboo/Alderaanian-style accesories...spiff this place up?"
"Why of course, exactly what I had in mind..."
"Mistress Leia, I MUST request that you involve me in this project. As a protocol droid, I am fluent in many different cultures, including Naboo and Alderaan. I would be happy to assist you in your decorating..." Guess who said THAT.
The men rolled their eyes and went back to the game. For about ten more minutes, wild cheers erupted, Mace discovered the booze, and Leia and her mother caught up on old times. Suddenly, out of the blue, Leia said;
"Where's Han?"
___________________________________
"Where the heck am I?" Han wondered out loud.
The stupid "car" he was driving was nothing like the Falcon, and he had one heck of a
time trying to find a liquor store.
"Excuse me," he said, rolling down his window. "Where's your liquor stores?"
The old man pointed to a store across the street, with a sign that said "ABC Liquor®."
"Thanks," said Han, and pulled into the parking lot.
He made his selection of beer, walked up to the counter, then pulled a spare American Express® card out of his pocket to pay.
"Nice car," the cashier said, pointing out the window.
"Yep. She'll make point 5 past 60 MPH. She looks like a million credits, not to mention she's got it where it counts."
The cashier gave him a funny look, then handed over the beer.
"Have a nice evening, sir."
"You too."
Han jumped in the car and headed for the house.
____________________________________________
"Now look here," Qui-Gon was saying to Jaina. "This is your main power cell. It goes here, between these wires... That's it! There's your lightsaber. Now just put the covering on it, ignite it, and hope it works."
Luke was cracking up at something Yoda said, Obi-Wan and Vader were having a
heated discussion about Dark VS Light, Mara and Mace were talking, and Leia and Padme were discussing new recipes.
"I'm home, everyone," Han said, just as the football guy on TV was saying,
"....And what a great game it was. I don't think we'll see one better than this for a long, long time."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
**********************************************************
Jaina dropped her backpack immediately on the couch and plopped down uncerimoniously, flicking on the TV with the remote control.
"And in today's news, two odd-looking men in black robes caused mischief and mayhem in our busy little down. Three car wrecks, due to freaked out drivers. Here is Cynthia Anderson, to share her testimony..."
A young woman, around 22, with short blonde hair, appeared on the screen, her face bruised and teary but otherwise un-injured. "It was horrible!" she exclaimed. "I was just driving along, minding my own business, when out of the blue, some red and black tattooed guy sticks his head out of the passenger's side of his car and sticks out his really long, gross pink tongue out at me! I couldn't help it; I just..." Cynthia broke down into hysterics, and three guys in white suits came and took her away.
"Intense...." Jaina whispered.
"Hey, Kiddo, what's on?" Vader said, sitting on "his" armchair.
"Oh, hey, Grandpa. Some friends of yours have been...you know...chilling out. Doing Sith stuff."
Vader watched the screen, his mask unreadable. Well, of course it's unreadable....it's a mask! But that's not the point.
"Maul scaring drivers again?" Vader asked finally. "He IS known to do that, intentional or not."
Jaina sighed once more. "Yep."
A sudden knock came at the door.
"I'll get it," Mara said. Jaina heard the door swing open, followed by a sharp gasp from Mara. "Master!"
Jaina walked up behind her, then her eyes widened in shock. "Emperor Palpatine?"
"In the flesh," the old man answered. He looked past Jaina into the living room. "Vader! My 'retired' apprentice, please, come over here and greet your old master."
"Come on in," Vader said. "There's some beer in the fridge, along with some Pepsi..."
The two robed figures stepped into the house. Maul scanned his surroundings, then glanced disdainfully at Sidious.
"Master, this place smells like roses and perfume." Maul's voice was even and steady; apparently he wasn't embaressed by expressing his feelings.
"What would you prefer, Maul?"
"Blood, lightsabers, and beer would be nice."
"And here's the kitchen," Vader said loudly.
"Wonderful!" Palpatine exclaimed. "Oh my, is this a help-yourself fridge?"
"Dig right in, my Emperor."
Palpatine took a Pepsi and a corndog. In between bites, he said this: "Vader, I have some wonderful news."
"And what is that, My Master?"
"I am buying a condo about a block from here. Maul will get his own apartment. Isn't that smashing?"
"Wonderful, to be sure."
Palpy set down his empty soda can and corndog stick and stood up. "Well, we'd best be off. Tootles."
After they were gone, Mara, Vader, and Jaina exchanged looks.
"You know what?" Jaina finally said.
"What?" Vader and Mara replied at the same time.
"Maul was... Well, he was sorta cute!"
It was then that Vader had had quite enough. "I wish I was standing on carpet." And with that, he dropped to the floor, out cold.
***********************************************************************
"But MASTER," Maul whined over the phone. "I can't pay the bill because I got fired from my job at Burger King! Can't you just help me out this once?"
"Well, Maul," Palpatine replied, (who was, by the way, getting a manicure at the salon and talking on his cell phone) "I suppose you'll just have to get a roomate."
"WHAT?!"
"You know what I mean. Look in the classifieds for a young man who needs a roomate. I'm sure there will be plenty of options. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone with a personality that resembles yours! Now, if you'd excuse me, I must finish my time at the salon. Good day."
Maul groaned in dismay as he heard the dial tone. With a great sigh, he grabbed the newspaper and flung it open.
" 'Bounty hunter seeks roomie'," he red aloud. " 'Enjoys beautiful women, personal space, hunting quarry, and evenings on the town. Dislikes loud noises and people who don't have a life of their own.' Perfect..."
Maul took his telephone and punched in the number.
" 'Lo?"
"Hello. I read your ad in the newspaper. It appears I've had some problems paying my bill this month, sooo..."
"Say no more. Come on by today at noon; I have some errands to run, you can come along and we'll get to know each other. Sort of a trial run."
"Works for me."
"See you then."
____________________________________________________
Jaina was glad she got off early on Wednesday. There was nothing like leaving school at lunchtime! This paticular afternoon, she was brooding over her Publix Sub Sandwich.
"Mom?" she asked as her mother entered the kitchen. "How do you impress a guy?"
Leia looked taken aback. "I suppose you do favors for him. Go to all his sports games and always look him in the eye when you talk to him. Or, you can be like me, and play hard-to-get. Depends on what kind of guy it is."
"Thanks." Jaina stood up and threw her trash in the garbage can. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it."
Jaina trudged over to the front door and swung it open. Her heart practically stopped beating. No, it wasn't Fett, it was who was BEHIND Fett.
"Is Han Solo here?" Boba asked.
"Uhm, no, he's at work...You wanna come in?"
"Sure. Maul, close the door, mesquitos are bad this time of year."
The two entered the house (with Maul closing the door of course), and Jaina led the way to the living room.
"Uh, here's the TV... Can I get you anything to drink?"
"No thanks," Fett said, just as Maul replied, "Beer would be nice."
"Okay, beer it is!" Jaina retrieved the item and returned to the living room. "So, what do you want to see my Dad for?"
"He's on my bounty list."
"Figures. Well, you're not gonna get him this time. He's gotten smarter."
"If you say so."
"I'm serious!"
"No, I believe you. I'm just saying, if you say so, it must be pretty important."
"Uh, thanks---Maul, can I get you anything else?"
Maul glanced at her. "No."
The doorbell rang again. Jaina rolled her eyes and answered it. "Hi, Palpy."
Sidious smiled. "Hello, Jaina. I heard my apprentice was here; plus, I baked a pie."
Two faces appeared behind him. "Hey, there, sista!" Mace said. "Thought we'd drop by."
Yoda tapped his stick. "Here Luke is?"
"Yeah, Uncle Luke's here. Come on in, you guys."
The trio returned to the living room, where Vader was greeting Boba and Maul.
"Master!" Vader said. "What a nice surprise."
"Hey, everyone," Luke said, walking in. "I have a great idea. How about some three-on-three basketball?"
All agreed, everyone headed outside to the court. 30 minutes later, everyone was hot and sweaty, and decided to have half-time.
Jaina, who was sitting off to the side (with Boba Fett next to her, of course), waved to Maul.
"You're doing great!"
Maul didn't smile. "Some water would be nice."
Jaina's grin faltered slightly. "Okay... Uh, let me get it..."
________________________________________________
One hour later, everyone had gone home and the house was quiet again. Even Boba had left reluctantly, though swearing he would "come back tomorrow... To collect my bounty, of course!".
Luke was sitting on the couch as Mara came up and kissed him on the lips firmly.
"That was nice," Luke said after they came up for air.
"I've got more where that came from, Farmboy. However, I need you to do a huge favor for me."
"Sure."
Mara sat down next to him and tossed her long red hair behind her shoulders. "You know, there's only one Han, and now that the baby's coming..." She glanced pointedly at her belly.
"You want me to get a job, don't you." It was a statement, not a question.
Mara batted her large green eyes and put on her best wounded-baby-bantha face. "Would you?"
Luke sighed. "Hand me that paper."
Luke flipped through the classifieds, then paused by a promising ad.
" 'Wanted: Voiceover talent for a new Warner Brothers® cartoon. Voice must be high, squeaky, crazy, and manly all at once. Please call 555-3879, and leave a message. We will set you up for an interview as soon as possible.' " Luke turned to his wife. "What do you think?"
"Good money," Mara muttered. "I'd say go for it."
Luke picked up the phone.
_________________________________________________________
"Uh, Jacen?"
Jacen glanced up from his homework to see his mother standing in the doorway. "Yeah, Mom?"
"Could you, uh, watch Anakin for me while your grandmother and aunt and I go out and get beauty treatment?"
Jacen sighed. "Can't Jaina do it?"
"She's... Well, I have to be frank, honey. Your sister's cracked up. She's wandering around aimlessly, muttering something about 'Sith Lords' and 'Little Sister Treament'. I don't exactly trust her with a nine year-old. Besides, it'll be easy. Anakin is playing on the computer, and Grandpa and Uncle Palpy are outside fixing the fence if you need them."
"Okay... With proper motivation, of course..."
"Five dollars, no more."
Jacen groaned. "Fine..."
"Thanks, sweetheart."
Leia left and Jacen went back to his math problems.
__________________________________________________
Mara, Leia, and Padme lept into the tiny black sports car, one of the many selections from the Solo/Skywalker driveway. Since it was Padme and Vader's car, Padme was naturally at the wheel. She started the engine as the two other women crammed into the back.
"So, where to? Someplace cheap, please."
"Well, my friend was talking about this salon on 39th," Mara put in. "She said it was at a reasonable price...the cheapest one in town."
"Sounds good."
The 3 women continued talking, laughing, and gossiping as they pulled into the parking lot, exited the car, and entered the salon.
"Can I help you, ladies?" the cashier asked.
"Yes, we'd like the full beauty treatment for three," Mara said.
"That'll be $300 for all of you."
"!@#$%*!@#$*!@#$*!!!!!"
"Mara!" Leia said. "Watch your language in public."
"............."
Padme grabbed Mara and Leia's arms and steered them torwards the doorway. "Uh, we'll come back when my son gets that job with Warner Brothers®."
__________________________________________________
Anakin was very bored. His father was working late that day, Grandpa and Uncle Palpy were doing yard work outside, Jaina was acting strange, Jacen was studying, and the rest of the older women had gone out for the evening.
However, all was not lost. He had become very occupied by the thing that the adults called the "internet". He had heard a lot about it, and thought it might be fun. He clicked on AOL and waited as it dialed. Then he clicked on "bookmarks", and saw a site that looked promising.
"Ebay," he said out loud. "Sounds like fun!"
With a loud, doom-fated, earth shattering "click" from the mouse, all Leia's hopes and dreams of keeping a low budget that month went down the drain.
_____________________________________________________
"HEY! GUESS WHAT EVERYONE?!"
Leia, Mara, Vader, Han (who had just come home from work) and the rest of the gang glanced up at Luke as he barged through the door.
"Well, spit it out, Kid," Han muttered.
"I'M THE JOKER!!!!"
"Knock knock..." Jaina said, smirking.
"No, no, not that kind of joker. I mean, my CHARACTER is the Joker. I'm now an official member of the Warner Brothers® company. My job will be completely dedicated to the sole entertainment of children 7 and over. Batman is going to hit the TV screen next month."
"Oh!" Anakin said suddenly. "Beach towels!"
"What?" Luke said, thoroughly confused.
"Batman beach towels. It's what I bought on the intrent."
"Intrent?"
Leia had gone white. "BEACH TOWELS?! YOU BOUGHT BEACH TOWELS ON THE INTERNET?!?! JACEN, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING HIM!!!!!!!!"
The phone rang suddenly, saving the boys from certain doom.
"I'll get it," Han said. He answered the phone. " 'Lo? Uh-huh? OH CRAP. Yeah, we can come. Sure." Han hung up, then turned and faced the others. "You guys, we gotta go pick up Chewie from the pound."
As the rest of the family groaned, sighed, threw their hands in the air, or, in Leia's case, sobbed hysterically, Padme allowed herself a small smile.
What a nice, quaint way to end a day like this.
***********************************************************
Jaina heaved a gigantic sigh. She had not been this depressed since Zekk turned to the Dark Side.
How she HATED Maul. Despised him. Loathed him for treating her like dirt.
And yet...
How she adored him! How she kissed the ground he walked on! How she---
"Hey, Kiddo," Vader said, sitting in the chair across from her. He rested his gigantic elbows on the kitchen table and drummed the surface with his fingers. "Feeling blue?"
"No, Grandpa, I feel pinkish-tan."
"It's an expression. Let me rephrase that. Are you feeling like a homegirl tried to shine on you and dissed your tyte threads?"
Jaina smiled. "Nice try at inner-city talk, Grandpa. Actually, it wasn't a homie that tried to diss my threads. It was a certain Sith Lord."
Jaina could've sworn she saw him frown behind his mask. "You're wasting your time with him. I think you should---"
The doorbell rang, cutting him off. "I'll get it," Jaina offered. "Prolly just Uncle Palpy with another apple pie." She swung the door open.
"Hey, Jaina," Fett greeted her suavely. "What's going on?"
"Oh, hi Boba." Jaina glanced behind him distractedly. "Is Maul with you?"
Fett's shoulders slumped. "Uh, no. Your dad around?"
"Sorry. At work." A long silence followed. Jaina was staring intently at a chipped fingernail, while Boba glanced around uneasily.
"Uh, nice wallpaper," he commented.
Jaina glanced to where he was pointing. "Oh, the X-wings. You like that? My uncle picked them out."
"Yeah, it's nice."
Another silence, which seemed to stretch into eternity. Finally, Jaina opened the door a little wider, and said, "You wanna come in?"
Fett seemed to perk up a little. "Sure," he said, stepping inside.
She led him into the living room, and shouted, "Grandpa! Boba's here!!"
"Hey, Boba," Vader said, entering. "How's life with that sorry excuse for a Sith Lord?"
Boba lifted a hand and shook it side to side. "So-so," he replied. "I wish he would pick up his dirty laundry, though, and leave my poor jet-pack alone."
Vader nodded in sympathy. He then realized that Jaina was shifting uncomfortably, and Boba was staring at Jaina's face. The Dark Lord figured it was time he stepped out.
"If you'd excuse me," he said.
After he was gone, Boba looked at Jaina. "Uh, actually, I wasn't interested in your dad at all. I just came here to speak with you."
Jaina stared at him in surpise. "What for?"
"Uhm.... Well, I'm not sure how to put this, but there's this movie playing, called Star Wars, on Friday. I was wondering if you'd be interested in going with me."
Jaina looked shocked. What Fett didn't notice was that she also looked pleased.
"Of course, if you didn't wanna go, I'd completely understand," Boba stammered. "I mean, who wants to go on a date with a ruthless bounty hunter, huh?"
"Actually, it sounds like fun."
Now it was Fett's turn to look shocked. That wasn't the answer he was expecting at all. "Uh, well, um, that's great! I'll pick you up at six; we'll go get something to eat and hit the theater. How does that sound?"
"Perfect! See you then?"
"It's a date."
After he was gone, Jaina was smiling. Boba Fett wasn't exactly her finest choice in men, but at least he showed genuine interest in her. Which was more than she could say for a certain Sith Apprentice...
Jaina turned around and was greeted by two grinning faces... Oh great, she thought, not my---
"Jaina's got a DAAAAATE!!!!!" her brothers cried. "Mom, mom! JAINA'S GOT A DATE WITH BOBA FETT!" they shouted gleefully, running down the hall.
"Death to brothers," she muttered under her breath. Aloud, she cried, "JACEN! ANAKIN!!!!!!! I AM GONNA KILL YOU!!!"
*****************************************************
Jaina did a last-minute adjustment on her hair, then whirled around so her mother, aunt, and grandmother could see.
"Oh, I simply MUST get a picture," Padme said, whipping out her camera. She snapped a couple of flattering photos, then put the camera away.
"You look great, hon," Mara commented. "You'll be sure to knock Boba off his feet."
Jaina's eyes went wide. "But---"
"It's just an expression, hon. It means you'll impress him."
"Oh. Alrighty then."
The doorbell rang, and Leia got up to get it. She swung the door open...
This was not Boba Fett.
This dude was very tall, had dark sunglasses, and wore a leather jacket. His hair looked kinda funky, like it had been singed off somehow.
"Sarah Connor?" he asked flatly.
"Uh, no. I'm Leia. There's no Sarah Connors here."
"Sorry. Wrong movie." The man turned, hopped on his motorcycle, and sped away.
Leia went back to the other women. "Very, very weird."
"Who was it, Mom?"
Leia frowned. "Some big biker guy looking for Sarah Connor. Oh well. Boba should be here any minute now---"
The doorbell rang again. Mara got it this time. "Jaina, your date is here!"
Jaina swallowed, then walked to the doorway. "Hi, Boba."
"Hey, Jaina. You ready?"
"Yep. Bye everyone!"
___________________________________________
At the resturaunt, Big Bob's or something like that, Jaina opened the menu and stared at it carefully.
"Where are the bantha burgers?" she muttered.
"Their rather poor substitute is a cheeseburger," Boba explained. "Cheeseburger, fries, and soda. Not the best, but Americans claim it's their 'trademark' food product."
Their waitress arrived. Jaina read the nametag. Sarah. She was a petite dark blonde, with circles under her eyes and a ragged look on her face.
"Miss, we're ready to order now!" someone called from another table.
"Just a second, ma'am," Sarah replied. "Okay," she said, turning to Boba and Jaina.
"What can I get you guys?"
"Cheeseburger, fries, and coke," Jaina said promptly. "I'm trying to fit in with the American society."
"A foreigner?"
Jaina grinned. "You have no idea."
"And you, sir?"
"Just a soda. With a long straw. I don't eat in public."
Sarah arched an amused eyebrow. "Okay, coming right up."
She walked off.
"Nice girl," Boba commented.
"Yep. The poor thing looks like she took a walk through the Tatooine desert, though. You know, it's probably none of my business, but there was a guy looking for her earlier. Right before you came over. He asked for a Sarah Connor, then hopped on his motorcycle and sped off."
"Hmm. There's a lot of people named Sarah," Boba mused. "Coincidence?"
Jaina shrugged. "Perhaps."
"Okay, here it is," Sarah said, setting down the orders. "Anything else I can get you two?"
"No thank you," Boba said.
"Have a nice meal." Sarah headed towards another table.
And they did.
______________________________________________
"Two tickets to see Star Wars," Boba said.
The person behind the booth handed it to them. In a few minutes, they were both seated in a nasty theater.
"I hate previews," Boba muttered.
"Join the club."
They sat through the previews (barely), and the main attraction came on.
A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY....
Music blasted through the speakers. Jaina frowned. Something very suspicious was going on here...
AS PRINCESS LEIA RACES HOME ON BOARD HER STARSHIP...
Jaina choked on her soda.
_No way._
"No way," Boba whispered.
_______________________________________________
Any innocent observer, watching people file out of the movie theater, would have seen two freaks laughing their butts off: one dressed like Boba Fett, the other with a striking resemblence to Leia.
"I swear--" Jaina said between chuckles. "That was--*snort* the funniest-- *giggle* thing I've ever seen!"
Boba was holding his side. "And---your grandpa--- 'I find your lack of faith disturbing'....hahahahahahahaha!!!"
Jaina slapped Boba's hand in a "high five", then the two went out to the parking lot.
A loud BANG sounded in Jaina's ears.
"Was that a gunshot?"
"Look!" Boba said, pointing.
A station wagon with two people---a man and a woman---drove by, followed in hot pursuit by a freaky-looking guy on a motorcycle.
"Was that our waitress Sarah in the front seat?!" Jaina asked.
"I'm not sure," Boba replied quietly.
The ride home was very silent.
__________________________________
Boba walked Jaina up to the front step.
"That was fun," Jaina said. "Thank you."
"I thought so too. Maybe we could do it again sometime?"
Jaina smiled. "I'd like that." She opened the door.
"Goodnight," Boba said.
"Goodnight."
______________________________________________
Boba burst through the door, singing a song cheerfully.
"Why are you so happy?" Maul asked, looking up from his lightsaber.
"I just got back from the best date."
"Who with?"
"Jaina Solo."
Maul was quiet for a moment.
"What's the matter?" Boba said teasingly. "Jealous?"
Maul snorted. "Hardly."
The Sith Apprentice had a very hard time falling asleep that night.
********************************************************
"Hey, Maul?" Boba said.
"Yes?"
"I'm going over to the Skywalker/Solo house. I'll see ya later."
"WAIT!" Maul was on his feet in an instant, throwing on his robe and checking his teeth in the mirror.
"What?" Boba asked. "Why?"
"Uhmm..." Maul quickly thought of a good excuse. "Uh, I need to talk to Jaina's grandpa."
"Funny how you refer to his as 'Jaina's' grandpa... You jealous?"
"No! Of ccourse not. Jaina was the first name that came to mind."
"Huh... Okay, c'mon, let's get going."
________________________________________
"Good morning, Boba," Jaina said as she answered the door. She barely glanced at Maul. "Wanna come in?"
"Sure, thanks. Maul is here."
Jaina arched an eyebrow. "Oh, hi. Are you here to see Grandpa?" Her voice didn't seem cold or rude, simply... disinterested.
"Uh, yeah. Is he here?"
"In the backyard. He's helping Dad fix the fence."
"Did Chewie break it again?" Boba asked.
They stepped into the front hallway. Jaina closed the door.
"Nope," she replied warmly, looking straight into his eyes--er, I mean, T- shaped visor. "Dad needed a place to land the Falcon, and you know how it is..."
Boba smiled. The only reason Jaina could tell was by her inept ability in the Force.
"Well," Jaina said to Maul, "you know where to find Grandpa. Pepsi, Boba?"
"Thanks, babe."
Maul walked away, muttering to himself.
**********************************************
Vader was feeling depressed that morning. He went about his usual business methodically: making Padme's coffee, washing everyone's clothes, cooking breakfast, hugging each of his grandchildren before they went off to school....
As he stirred the scrambled eggs, an idea came to him. It had been a very long time since he and Padme had been out, spending time together. The only time they ever got the chance to be alone was when they were getting ready for bed, and even then they were too tired to strike up intelligent conversation.
Today would be a real treat.
Once everyone was pre-occupied with other business, Vader took Padme off to the side.
"How would you like to go to dinner and a movie tonight?" he asked. "Just you and me."
Padme grinned. "Sounds great!"
The doorbell rang just then, and Padme opened the door.
"Hey, Palpy," he heard her say. "Come on in."
"Thanks, Padme." Palpy walked into the kitchen, smiling at Vader. "Good morning! I brought you guys some apple pie, clothes for the twins, candy for Anakin, and a Sith-polishing handbook for you. It contains some tips on keeping black clothing and leather clean, so I think you'll like it."
Vader took the book. "Thanks. You like waffles?"
"Blackberry."
__________________________________________________________
Jaina sank back into the couch and sighed. School had been paticularly long that day, and it wasn't because her mind was on Boba.
Aunt Mara had been having some lower back pains due to her large belly. It wasn't long now before Jaina's cousin would be born. She wondered if it would be a boy or a girl.
Would it look like Uncle Luke, with fair skin, blonde hair and blue eyes? Or Aunt Mara, with tan skin, red hair, and green eyes?
Jaina, personally, couldn't wait. And she knew Mara couldn't possibly hold that baby any longer without falling over.
"See you later, Jaina," Palpatine said as he was walking out the door.
"Keep it cool, Uncle Palpy."
Jaina was drop-dead tired. Perhaps she would stay home today; hang out---
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
___________________________________________________________
"Jaina!" Vader called. "Your friends are here."
Boba and Maul walked into the living room.
"Hey, Jaina," Maul said before Boba could talk.
"Oh, hi, Maul. Boba! Comere and gimme a hug."
Fett did so, and Jaina smiled.
"Can I speak with you in the other room?" Maul whispered.
"Sure, Maul," Boba said.
The two roomies moved into the kitchen, and Maul slammed the door.
"She liked me originally!" he shouted.
"You treated her like dirt! At least I was nice to her!"
In the other room, Jaina sighed. Maul was getting jealous.... Could things possibly get worse?
The doorbell rang.
"AGAIN?!" Vader roared. "GO AWAY!!!!!"
A teenage boy swaggered confidently into the living room. He was tall, and had long black hair tied back in a ponytail.
"ZEKK?!" Jaina exclaimed.
"Hey, Jaina," he said, smiling. "Uh, listen, sorry 'bout breaking up with you.... I really wanna give it another chance."
"Zekk...uh, you see, there's this little problem---"
"Is he bothering you, Jaina?" Boba said, coming in.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of him," cut in Maul.
A tall man with biker clothing walked into the living room. "Hasta la vista, baby."
An alien with a metal mask and dreadlocks poked his head in. "Hi, um, is this the home of a Major Dutch Schafer?"
"Hey, back off!" Boba said, pushing Maul.
"She liked me FIRST!" Maul shouted, pushing Fett back.
"Uhm, Jaina?" said Zekk. "Please explain!!!"
"Come with me if you want to live."
"Yeah, um, my name is Predator, that's with an 'o r' at the end, not 'o r e'. Ya see, I supposedly died in the jungle, and ya know, I gotta get my revenge.... I hate the script, but then again, I didn't write it....."
"Jaina," Vader said, poking his head in, "could you water my roses please? I think they're getting a little dry....."
"She is MY girlfriend!!!!"
"She didn't like you first!!!"
"Trust me."
"Dutch, ya know, he's a great guy, but you know those darn screenwriters..."
"Jaina? Jaina, the roses need attention."
Jaina turned from person to person (or in Terminator and Predator's case, cyborg to disgusting alien), exhasperated. She couldn't take it anymore.
"SHADDUP!!!!!!!! SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!! BOBA AND MAUL, BREAK IT UP! ZEKK, IT ENDED YEARS AGO! AND YOU TWO, I DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW HOW THE HECK YOU GOT HERE!!! GRANDPA----Grandpa, I'm kinda busy right now. THE REST OF YOU, OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone stared at eachother in dumbfounded amazement. No one said anything...
"Uhmm...."
Everyone turned, and saw Padme, Leia, and Mara standing in the doorway.
"This is quite interesting," Leia said, arching an eyebrow. "Jaina, I didn't know you had so many boyfriends."
"They're not my boyfriends!" Jaina exclaimed. She pointed to Terminator and Predator. "I don't even KNOW those guys!!!"
"Padme, sweetheart," Vader said, untying his apron. "Ready to go?"
"All set."
"Where are you going?" Mara asked.
"Movies," Vader replied. "We're seeing STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE."
Boba and Jaina tossed each other a look and giggled.
"Well, we'll all go!" Han said, entering the room.
"Uhm," said Vader, "that's not exactly---"
"What a good idea, Han!" Padme exclaimed. "Right Ani?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess." Vader pulled Padme off to the side. "Sweetheart," he whispered, "this is NOT what I had in mind."
"Oh, come on, it'll be fun. All the Solos/Skywalkers going out to the movies together." She tossed a look at Predator and Terminator, who appeared to be having a staring contest of some kind. "They can come too, if they want." She shuddered. "I don't like that alien. He gives me the willies."
"You're the one who said he can come if he wants."
"Alright, everyone!" Padme said, turning. "Who wants to go to The Phantom Menace?"
"YEA!!!"
________________________________________________________
"How many tickets, sir?" the ticket-handing-out person asked. "By the way, awesome costume."
"Thank you," Vader said. "As many as possible, please."
The ticket-handing-out person handed it over and smiled. "Thank you, sir. Enjoy the movie."
The Gang moved into the dark movie theater and sat down. People stared in awe, but the Gang didn't notice.
Previews played, popcorn was bought, people went to the bathroom for the last time...
Then the music began.
"Finally," Padme whispered.
"Wait a second," Vader muttered. "There's something familiar about this movie...." Obi-Wan's face filled the screen. Vader stood up and shouted, "CURSE YOU, OBI-WAN!!!"
"Shhh!" someone said. Vader turned around.
A woman and her son were glaring at him angrily.
"Do you mind?" the boy hissed.
"John, please be quiet," the Terminator said.
"You be quiet," the lady said. "I never liked you, anyways."
"Mom, be nice."
Vader shook his head.
_All I wanted was a date with my wife._
"Quiet!" someone else shouted.
The Gang watched peacefully for about an hour. Then the door to the movie theater was kicked in, and all went downhill.
"Alright everyone!" Mister Freeze said. "Chill."
"Freeze, the heat is on!" Batman said, kicking Freeze in the face.
A bunch of commandos filed into the theater.
"Knock knock!" the lead commando said.
"Curse you, Dutch!" Predator said, jumping to his feet.
"What the heck is going on?!" Leia shrieked. "Oh, Han! HOLD ME!" She collapsed into his arms, and Han grinned.
"Don't worry, Jaina," Maul said. "I'll protect you."
Jaina turned and socked him in the face. "No thank you. Goodnight."
Maul sagged to the floor.
"High five, Jaina," Jacen said, holding up his hand. Jaina slapped it.
A policeman walked into the theater.
"Officer!" Mara exclaimed. "Thank goodness you're here."
The woman behind them jumped to her feet, as did Terminator. They fired at the policeman. The T-1000 laughed evilly.
"Crap, Lugnuts, I thought you killed it!" John said.
Terminator shrugged. "Sorry."
"Long time, no see," the lead commando said to Predator. "Man, I hate these puns. They always have to give me the bad puns. Why can't YOU have the bad puns for a change? In the movie, all you said was 'ahahahaha', 'click click click', and 'roar'. I'm stuck with 'stick around' and 'knock knock'. How rude."
The Predator shrugged and sighed. "Hey, I didn't write the darn thing. Let's get back to the fight."
"Good idea."
A sudden shout sounded out. Everyone went silent, and looked at Mara. She had an odd expression on her face.
"Honey, you alright?" Luke asked.
"Contractions!" she said. "Con-trac-tions!!!!!"
"Someone call an ambulance!"
"I'm on it," Jaina said.
"No, I'm on it," Dutch said.
"Look, man, I've got it."
"No, that's alright. I'll get it."
"Be quiet, both of you," Vader said, pulling out his black leather-covered Nokia® cell phone. "I'LL call the ambulance."
Dutch and Jaina looked at him, back at eachother. Then they shrugged.
"Okay."
______________________________________________________________
2 hours later, at the hospital, everyone in the theater (everyone that was worth mentioning, anyways) was waiting anxiously in the lobby.
John was teaching Terminator high fives; Palpy was teaching Vader and Han how to tap dance; Jacen and Anakin were arguing over what ship was faster; Leia and Padme were talking about interior decorating (sigh); Zekk, Boba, and Maul were brooding silently in seperate corners; the Predator was humming some song that no one cared to identify; the commandos were talking about a lot of nothing; Batman and Mister Freeze were discussing crime levels in Gotham City; and, every so often, Jaina and Dutch would pass eachother shy looks and smiles.
"I swear," a nurse said, "you guys have the BEST Halloween costumes I have ever seen!"
"Halloween? What's Halloween?" Vader asked, confused.
"Nevermind."
Luke burst through the double doors, grinning from ear to ear.
"IT'S A BOY!!!! I'M A DADDY!!!!!!!"
Everyone jumped up out of their seats and crowded around Luke, laughing, talking, and asking questions.
"The doctor says we can all go in at once," Luke said. "What a strange planet this is."
Everyone filed into the delivery room. Mara looked tired, but intensely happy, and she said,
"Does everyone wish to see Ben Skywalker?"
"YEA!!"
She held up a tiny bundle and lifted back the blanket. Underneath, a little boy yawned and opened his eyes. They were.... gray.
"Gray?" Vader said. "My grandson has gray eyes???"
"Looks that way."
"Where the heck did he GET them from??? NONE of us have gray eyes."
"I have no idea," Luke said, confused. "I guess he's just special that way."
"Why didn't anyone TELL me babies were so ugly when they come out?" Anakin asked, his face wrinkled up in disgust.
"He'll get much nicer looking when he grows up," Dutch said. "Unlike SOME people I know," he added, tossing a look at the Predator.
"Can it, Shaefer," the alien replied.
"Did I look that ugly when I came out?" Anakin inquired, looking at his mother.
"Yes, sweetie, everyone does," Leia said.
"So there," the Predator retorted, glaring at Dutch.
"Don't be so immature," Dutch ordered.
"I'm not!"
"I think you are."
"You're both immature," Padme said.
"We all are," Vader added.
"Let's leave it at that."
And so they did.
THE END!
That is, until I get the sequels up..... ;-)
"My ROSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---Vader
Oh, and yes, they are on earth. LA, to be exact ;-)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Leia was wiping her brow as Luke and Han walked in, carrying boxes.
"Oh good! Is that the china?"
"Yes, dear," Han grunted.
"Put it on the table. Anakin!"
The over-eager 9 year old ran in and stopped directly in front of his mother. "Yes, Mom?"
"Where is Chewie?"
"He's, uh, HELPING Grandpa unpack." Anakin seemed on the verge of cracking up, and Leia frowned suspiciously.
"What do you mean, hel--"
"CHEWBACCA!!!!!"
Anakin laughed loudly and ran outside. Before Leia could catch him, Chewbacca ran in, underwear on his head and socks on his hands. Darth Vader was in hot pursuit.
"Chewbacca! Give me my pressed underwear this instant!!!!!"
Han snorted loudly, beer coming out of his nose. Luke, being the stoic, calm Jedi Master he was, was laughing so hard his face turned red.
Chewbacca dove behind the couch, followed by Vader.
"Give me those underwear, before I give you a REAL taste of the Dark Side!"
Jacen and Jaina ran out. "What's going on?" Jaina asked.
"Dad!" Leia shouted.
Two faces, one wearing a black mask and one furry and dog-like, peered out from behind the couch.
"Yes?" Vader replied.
"SOME of us actually came to this planet for PEACE AND QUIET, and guess what?"
"What?"
"I'M NOT GETTING ANY!!!!!!!!"
The doorbell rang.
"Oh, that must be the pizza delivery boy," Han said.
"You ordered pizza?!" Leia said, still not calmed down.
"Yeah...."
Vader and Chewie resumed their struggle, and Jacen answered the door.
"Hey, dude," the pizza delivery guy said. "Here's your pizza. Can I have my money now?"
"Sure. Here's 20 credits."
The Pizza Boy accepted the money warily. "Hey, what is this? This isn't money!!"
"Grin and bear it," Jacen said, and slammed the door in his face.
"Ok, everyone," Luke said. "Gather round. Here's some pizza."
"Hey, Uncle Luke," Anakin said. "What's pizza?"
"This!" And as Luke lifted the lid, everyone said,
"OOOOOOO!!!"
************************************************
"Jacen, get up."
Jacen rolled over groggily. "Too....early....I.....hate....Earth...."
"Jacen, get your rear out of bed right now."
"Huh, wha?" Jacen sat up, and stared at the frusterated face of his father.
"It's time for school."
"School?! Oh no---"
"Jacen, be quiet and get dressed."
"Yes, Dad," Jacen said, sighing.
____________________________________________________
"Jaina!"
Leia and Mara burst through the door, each carrying a bundle of clothes and makeup.
"Mom! Aunt Mara! It's too early."
"No nonsense," Mara said hotly. "I want you in these clothes this instant."
"Fine...."
Jaina stood up and examined the clothes. "Mom? You don't actually expect me to wear your white gown to school, do you?"
"Oh, but sweetheart, it would look so nice on you!"
"Aunt Mara? Black leather pants? A TANK TOP?!"
"Of course."
Jaina threw up her hands in frusteration. "Alright! Out! I'LL pick out my own clothes!"
Mara and Leia glanced at eachother, shrugged, and left the room.
___________________________________________________________
Anakin was already awake by the time Vader poke his head in. The 9 year old sat on the floor, playing with TIE fighters, X-wings, and the Kenner version of Wedge Antilles.
"Hi, Grandpa!"
"Time to get ready for school."
"Aww, Grandpa, do I have to?"
"Yes. I mean, if it was up to me, you wouldn't have to go, but this pompous planet has laws. If you don't go to school, they'll put your mother and father in jail, and then your parents will be mad at me. Plus, I'll get sued."
"Sued?"
"Nevermind. Just get dressed."
"Okay."
***************************************************
"Sweetheart!" Leia called. "Han? Dear, I must speak with you."
Han stepped out of the bedroom and planted a kiss on his wife's cheek. "Can't talk now, Honey. The Gators are playing the Seminoles tonight!"
Leia held up a hand, but Han had already torn off down the hall and stopped in front of the TV, remote in hand.
"Lesee... ESPN... There we go! Watch the game with us, Sweetheart?"
Leia shook her head. "No, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Mara and I are going to the mall."
Han stared at her, dumbfounded. "The mall? Earth doesn't accept credits, Honey!"
"I know." Leia dug into her pocket, and pulled out a shiny American Express card. "But they do accept credit CARDS."
Han nodded his approval. "Jaina going with you?"
"What a great idea! Girls Night Out!" Leia took off for her daughter's room. "Jaina? Jaina!"
Han sighed loudly and shook his head. Just then, Vader and Jacen strolled in. "Hey Dad," Jacen said. "The game start yet?"
"We got about 5 minutes. Go get some beer for the older guys, a straw for your Grandpa, and some Pepsi for you and Anakin."
"Sure Dad."
The three women ran torwards the door just then, Leia, Mara, and Jaina looking good in black leather miniskirts and their hair done in a french braid. They also had lipstick applied carefully.
"See you later, guys!" Leia called.
They slammed the door, and Han stood dumbfounded for a moment.
"My wife looks GOOD!" he finally exclaimed.
"Oh look, Smuggler," Vader said. "The game's starting."
Han sat down with his beer and watched it carefully. As the Seminoles made their first touchdown, a knock came at the door. Chewie answered it, and roared loudly a few moments later. Han ran to the front door and gasped.
"Come to watch the game, we have," Yoda said, tapping his walking stick.
"Where's the booze, white brotha?" said Mace.
"Feel the Force flow through the football!" Qui-Gon called.
"Master, be curteous," Obi-Wan commented.
"Surprise for big Anakin we have," Yoda said.
The group proceeded to file into the living room, all surrounding a person in the center of their human (and one alien) circle.
"So?" Vader said. "What's the surprise?"
The group stepped aside. Padme grinned. "Surprise!!"
"Mother!" Luke cried. He jumped up and hugged her. Padme kissed him, cheek to cheek.
"How are you all?" she said. "And where's Leia's makeup stash? I need a touchup."
"I'll show you to it," Vader said.
Padme took his arm and giggled. The rest rolled their eyes as they strolled back to Han and Leia's bedroom.
"Anyways," Mace said. "Where's the rest of the beer, brotha?"
"Uh..." Han tried to put it politely. "We weren't expecting company. There isn't exactly enough to go around..."
"Go out and get some, you will. My credits, you will take."
Han sighed. It was gonna be a LOOONG night....
***********************************************
The Gators scored a touchdown, and the crew went wild. Vader and Padme emerged from their--cough---TRIP to the makeup room, and now the entire gang sat on the couches with beer and Pepsi. There was some friction between Obi-Wan and Vader at first, but everything was under control.
The door swung open, and Jaina, Leia, and Mara walked in, followed by Artoo and Threepio.
We're home! And we brought the droids back from the hardware store...Oh, Mother!!" Leia exclaimed, dropping her bags. "It's so great to see you again!"
The two women kissed cheek-to-cheek (Anakin gagged) and sat on the couch.
"Leia, dear, you must let me help you re-decorate this house... Get some old Naboo/Alderaanian-style accesories...spiff this place up?"
"Why of course, exactly what I had in mind..."
"Mistress Leia, I MUST request that you involve me in this project. As a protocol droid, I am fluent in many different cultures, including Naboo and Alderaan. I would be happy to assist you in your decorating..." Guess who said THAT.
The men rolled their eyes and went back to the game. For about ten more minutes, wild cheers erupted, Mace discovered the booze, and Leia and her mother caught up on old times. Suddenly, out of the blue, Leia said;
"Where's Han?"
___________________________________
"Where the heck am I?" Han wondered out loud.
The stupid "car" he was driving was nothing like the Falcon, and he had one heck of a
time trying to find a liquor store.
"Excuse me," he said, rolling down his window. "Where's your liquor stores?"
The old man pointed to a store across the street, with a sign that said "ABC Liquor®."
"Thanks," said Han, and pulled into the parking lot.
He made his selection of beer, walked up to the counter, then pulled a spare American Express® card out of his pocket to pay.
"Nice car," the cashier said, pointing out the window.
"Yep. She'll make point 5 past 60 MPH. She looks like a million credits, not to mention she's got it where it counts."
The cashier gave him a funny look, then handed over the beer.
"Have a nice evening, sir."
"You too."
Han jumped in the car and headed for the house.
____________________________________________
"Now look here," Qui-Gon was saying to Jaina. "This is your main power cell. It goes here, between these wires... That's it! There's your lightsaber. Now just put the covering on it, ignite it, and hope it works."
Luke was cracking up at something Yoda said, Obi-Wan and Vader were having a
heated discussion about Dark VS Light, Mara and Mace were talking, and Leia and Padme were discussing new recipes.
"I'm home, everyone," Han said, just as the football guy on TV was saying,
"....And what a great game it was. I don't think we'll see one better than this for a long, long time."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
**********************************************************
Jaina dropped her backpack immediately on the couch and plopped down uncerimoniously, flicking on the TV with the remote control.
"And in today's news, two odd-looking men in black robes caused mischief and mayhem in our busy little down. Three car wrecks, due to freaked out drivers. Here is Cynthia Anderson, to share her testimony..."
A young woman, around 22, with short blonde hair, appeared on the screen, her face bruised and teary but otherwise un-injured. "It was horrible!" she exclaimed. "I was just driving along, minding my own business, when out of the blue, some red and black tattooed guy sticks his head out of the passenger's side of his car and sticks out his really long, gross pink tongue out at me! I couldn't help it; I just..." Cynthia broke down into hysterics, and three guys in white suits came and took her away.
"Intense...." Jaina whispered.
"Hey, Kiddo, what's on?" Vader said, sitting on "his" armchair.
"Oh, hey, Grandpa. Some friends of yours have been...you know...chilling out. Doing Sith stuff."
Vader watched the screen, his mask unreadable. Well, of course it's unreadable....it's a mask! But that's not the point.
"Maul scaring drivers again?" Vader asked finally. "He IS known to do that, intentional or not."
Jaina sighed once more. "Yep."
A sudden knock came at the door.
"I'll get it," Mara said. Jaina heard the door swing open, followed by a sharp gasp from Mara. "Master!"
Jaina walked up behind her, then her eyes widened in shock. "Emperor Palpatine?"
"In the flesh," the old man answered. He looked past Jaina into the living room. "Vader! My 'retired' apprentice, please, come over here and greet your old master."
"Come on in," Vader said. "There's some beer in the fridge, along with some Pepsi..."
The two robed figures stepped into the house. Maul scanned his surroundings, then glanced disdainfully at Sidious.
"Master, this place smells like roses and perfume." Maul's voice was even and steady; apparently he wasn't embaressed by expressing his feelings.
"What would you prefer, Maul?"
"Blood, lightsabers, and beer would be nice."
"And here's the kitchen," Vader said loudly.
"Wonderful!" Palpatine exclaimed. "Oh my, is this a help-yourself fridge?"
"Dig right in, my Emperor."
Palpatine took a Pepsi and a corndog. In between bites, he said this: "Vader, I have some wonderful news."
"And what is that, My Master?"
"I am buying a condo about a block from here. Maul will get his own apartment. Isn't that smashing?"
"Wonderful, to be sure."
Palpy set down his empty soda can and corndog stick and stood up. "Well, we'd best be off. Tootles."
After they were gone, Mara, Vader, and Jaina exchanged looks.
"You know what?" Jaina finally said.
"What?" Vader and Mara replied at the same time.
"Maul was... Well, he was sorta cute!"
It was then that Vader had had quite enough. "I wish I was standing on carpet." And with that, he dropped to the floor, out cold.
***********************************************************************
"But MASTER," Maul whined over the phone. "I can't pay the bill because I got fired from my job at Burger King! Can't you just help me out this once?"
"Well, Maul," Palpatine replied, (who was, by the way, getting a manicure at the salon and talking on his cell phone) "I suppose you'll just have to get a roomate."
"WHAT?!"
"You know what I mean. Look in the classifieds for a young man who needs a roomate. I'm sure there will be plenty of options. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone with a personality that resembles yours! Now, if you'd excuse me, I must finish my time at the salon. Good day."
Maul groaned in dismay as he heard the dial tone. With a great sigh, he grabbed the newspaper and flung it open.
" 'Bounty hunter seeks roomie'," he red aloud. " 'Enjoys beautiful women, personal space, hunting quarry, and evenings on the town. Dislikes loud noises and people who don't have a life of their own.' Perfect..."
Maul took his telephone and punched in the number.
" 'Lo?"
"Hello. I read your ad in the newspaper. It appears I've had some problems paying my bill this month, sooo..."
"Say no more. Come on by today at noon; I have some errands to run, you can come along and we'll get to know each other. Sort of a trial run."
"Works for me."
"See you then."
____________________________________________________
Jaina was glad she got off early on Wednesday. There was nothing like leaving school at lunchtime! This paticular afternoon, she was brooding over her Publix Sub Sandwich.
"Mom?" she asked as her mother entered the kitchen. "How do you impress a guy?"
Leia looked taken aback. "I suppose you do favors for him. Go to all his sports games and always look him in the eye when you talk to him. Or, you can be like me, and play hard-to-get. Depends on what kind of guy it is."
"Thanks." Jaina stood up and threw her trash in the garbage can. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it."
Jaina trudged over to the front door and swung it open. Her heart practically stopped beating. No, it wasn't Fett, it was who was BEHIND Fett.
"Is Han Solo here?" Boba asked.
"Uhm, no, he's at work...You wanna come in?"
"Sure. Maul, close the door, mesquitos are bad this time of year."
The two entered the house (with Maul closing the door of course), and Jaina led the way to the living room.
"Uh, here's the TV... Can I get you anything to drink?"
"No thanks," Fett said, just as Maul replied, "Beer would be nice."
"Okay, beer it is!" Jaina retrieved the item and returned to the living room. "So, what do you want to see my Dad for?"
"He's on my bounty list."
"Figures. Well, you're not gonna get him this time. He's gotten smarter."
"If you say so."
"I'm serious!"
"No, I believe you. I'm just saying, if you say so, it must be pretty important."
"Uh, thanks---Maul, can I get you anything else?"
Maul glanced at her. "No."
The doorbell rang again. Jaina rolled her eyes and answered it. "Hi, Palpy."
Sidious smiled. "Hello, Jaina. I heard my apprentice was here; plus, I baked a pie."
Two faces appeared behind him. "Hey, there, sista!" Mace said. "Thought we'd drop by."
Yoda tapped his stick. "Here Luke is?"
"Yeah, Uncle Luke's here. Come on in, you guys."
The trio returned to the living room, where Vader was greeting Boba and Maul.
"Master!" Vader said. "What a nice surprise."
"Hey, everyone," Luke said, walking in. "I have a great idea. How about some three-on-three basketball?"
All agreed, everyone headed outside to the court. 30 minutes later, everyone was hot and sweaty, and decided to have half-time.
Jaina, who was sitting off to the side (with Boba Fett next to her, of course), waved to Maul.
"You're doing great!"
Maul didn't smile. "Some water would be nice."
Jaina's grin faltered slightly. "Okay... Uh, let me get it..."
________________________________________________
One hour later, everyone had gone home and the house was quiet again. Even Boba had left reluctantly, though swearing he would "come back tomorrow... To collect my bounty, of course!".
Luke was sitting on the couch as Mara came up and kissed him on the lips firmly.
"That was nice," Luke said after they came up for air.
"I've got more where that came from, Farmboy. However, I need you to do a huge favor for me."
"Sure."
Mara sat down next to him and tossed her long red hair behind her shoulders. "You know, there's only one Han, and now that the baby's coming..." She glanced pointedly at her belly.
"You want me to get a job, don't you." It was a statement, not a question.
Mara batted her large green eyes and put on her best wounded-baby-bantha face. "Would you?"
Luke sighed. "Hand me that paper."
Luke flipped through the classifieds, then paused by a promising ad.
" 'Wanted: Voiceover talent for a new Warner Brothers® cartoon. Voice must be high, squeaky, crazy, and manly all at once. Please call 555-3879, and leave a message. We will set you up for an interview as soon as possible.' " Luke turned to his wife. "What do you think?"
"Good money," Mara muttered. "I'd say go for it."
Luke picked up the phone.
_________________________________________________________
"Uh, Jacen?"
Jacen glanced up from his homework to see his mother standing in the doorway. "Yeah, Mom?"
"Could you, uh, watch Anakin for me while your grandmother and aunt and I go out and get beauty treatment?"
Jacen sighed. "Can't Jaina do it?"
"She's... Well, I have to be frank, honey. Your sister's cracked up. She's wandering around aimlessly, muttering something about 'Sith Lords' and 'Little Sister Treament'. I don't exactly trust her with a nine year-old. Besides, it'll be easy. Anakin is playing on the computer, and Grandpa and Uncle Palpy are outside fixing the fence if you need them."
"Okay... With proper motivation, of course..."
"Five dollars, no more."
Jacen groaned. "Fine..."
"Thanks, sweetheart."
Leia left and Jacen went back to his math problems.
__________________________________________________
Mara, Leia, and Padme lept into the tiny black sports car, one of the many selections from the Solo/Skywalker driveway. Since it was Padme and Vader's car, Padme was naturally at the wheel. She started the engine as the two other women crammed into the back.
"So, where to? Someplace cheap, please."
"Well, my friend was talking about this salon on 39th," Mara put in. "She said it was at a reasonable price...the cheapest one in town."
"Sounds good."
The 3 women continued talking, laughing, and gossiping as they pulled into the parking lot, exited the car, and entered the salon.
"Can I help you, ladies?" the cashier asked.
"Yes, we'd like the full beauty treatment for three," Mara said.
"That'll be $300 for all of you."
"!@#$%*!@#$*!@#$*!!!!!"
"Mara!" Leia said. "Watch your language in public."
"............."
Padme grabbed Mara and Leia's arms and steered them torwards the doorway. "Uh, we'll come back when my son gets that job with Warner Brothers®."
__________________________________________________
Anakin was very bored. His father was working late that day, Grandpa and Uncle Palpy were doing yard work outside, Jaina was acting strange, Jacen was studying, and the rest of the older women had gone out for the evening.
However, all was not lost. He had become very occupied by the thing that the adults called the "internet". He had heard a lot about it, and thought it might be fun. He clicked on AOL and waited as it dialed. Then he clicked on "bookmarks", and saw a site that looked promising.
"Ebay," he said out loud. "Sounds like fun!"
With a loud, doom-fated, earth shattering "click" from the mouse, all Leia's hopes and dreams of keeping a low budget that month went down the drain.
_____________________________________________________
"HEY! GUESS WHAT EVERYONE?!"
Leia, Mara, Vader, Han (who had just come home from work) and the rest of the gang glanced up at Luke as he barged through the door.
"Well, spit it out, Kid," Han muttered.
"I'M THE JOKER!!!!"
"Knock knock..." Jaina said, smirking.
"No, no, not that kind of joker. I mean, my CHARACTER is the Joker. I'm now an official member of the Warner Brothers® company. My job will be completely dedicated to the sole entertainment of children 7 and over. Batman is going to hit the TV screen next month."
"Oh!" Anakin said suddenly. "Beach towels!"
"What?" Luke said, thoroughly confused.
"Batman beach towels. It's what I bought on the intrent."
"Intrent?"
Leia had gone white. "BEACH TOWELS?! YOU BOUGHT BEACH TOWELS ON THE INTERNET?!?! JACEN, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING HIM!!!!!!!!"
The phone rang suddenly, saving the boys from certain doom.
"I'll get it," Han said. He answered the phone. " 'Lo? Uh-huh? OH CRAP. Yeah, we can come. Sure." Han hung up, then turned and faced the others. "You guys, we gotta go pick up Chewie from the pound."
As the rest of the family groaned, sighed, threw their hands in the air, or, in Leia's case, sobbed hysterically, Padme allowed herself a small smile.
What a nice, quaint way to end a day like this.
***********************************************************
Jaina heaved a gigantic sigh. She had not been this depressed since Zekk turned to the Dark Side.
How she HATED Maul. Despised him. Loathed him for treating her like dirt.
And yet...
How she adored him! How she kissed the ground he walked on! How she---
"Hey, Kiddo," Vader said, sitting in the chair across from her. He rested his gigantic elbows on the kitchen table and drummed the surface with his fingers. "Feeling blue?"
"No, Grandpa, I feel pinkish-tan."
"It's an expression. Let me rephrase that. Are you feeling like a homegirl tried to shine on you and dissed your tyte threads?"
Jaina smiled. "Nice try at inner-city talk, Grandpa. Actually, it wasn't a homie that tried to diss my threads. It was a certain Sith Lord."
Jaina could've sworn she saw him frown behind his mask. "You're wasting your time with him. I think you should---"
The doorbell rang, cutting him off. "I'll get it," Jaina offered. "Prolly just Uncle Palpy with another apple pie." She swung the door open.
"Hey, Jaina," Fett greeted her suavely. "What's going on?"
"Oh, hi Boba." Jaina glanced behind him distractedly. "Is Maul with you?"
Fett's shoulders slumped. "Uh, no. Your dad around?"
"Sorry. At work." A long silence followed. Jaina was staring intently at a chipped fingernail, while Boba glanced around uneasily.
"Uh, nice wallpaper," he commented.
Jaina glanced to where he was pointing. "Oh, the X-wings. You like that? My uncle picked them out."
"Yeah, it's nice."
Another silence, which seemed to stretch into eternity. Finally, Jaina opened the door a little wider, and said, "You wanna come in?"
Fett seemed to perk up a little. "Sure," he said, stepping inside.
She led him into the living room, and shouted, "Grandpa! Boba's here!!"
"Hey, Boba," Vader said, entering. "How's life with that sorry excuse for a Sith Lord?"
Boba lifted a hand and shook it side to side. "So-so," he replied. "I wish he would pick up his dirty laundry, though, and leave my poor jet-pack alone."
Vader nodded in sympathy. He then realized that Jaina was shifting uncomfortably, and Boba was staring at Jaina's face. The Dark Lord figured it was time he stepped out.
"If you'd excuse me," he said.
After he was gone, Boba looked at Jaina. "Uh, actually, I wasn't interested in your dad at all. I just came here to speak with you."
Jaina stared at him in surpise. "What for?"
"Uhm.... Well, I'm not sure how to put this, but there's this movie playing, called Star Wars, on Friday. I was wondering if you'd be interested in going with me."
Jaina looked shocked. What Fett didn't notice was that she also looked pleased.
"Of course, if you didn't wanna go, I'd completely understand," Boba stammered. "I mean, who wants to go on a date with a ruthless bounty hunter, huh?"
"Actually, it sounds like fun."
Now it was Fett's turn to look shocked. That wasn't the answer he was expecting at all. "Uh, well, um, that's great! I'll pick you up at six; we'll go get something to eat and hit the theater. How does that sound?"
"Perfect! See you then?"
"It's a date."
After he was gone, Jaina was smiling. Boba Fett wasn't exactly her finest choice in men, but at least he showed genuine interest in her. Which was more than she could say for a certain Sith Apprentice...
Jaina turned around and was greeted by two grinning faces... Oh great, she thought, not my---
"Jaina's got a DAAAAATE!!!!!" her brothers cried. "Mom, mom! JAINA'S GOT A DATE WITH BOBA FETT!" they shouted gleefully, running down the hall.
"Death to brothers," she muttered under her breath. Aloud, she cried, "JACEN! ANAKIN!!!!!!! I AM GONNA KILL YOU!!!"
*****************************************************
Jaina did a last-minute adjustment on her hair, then whirled around so her mother, aunt, and grandmother could see.
"Oh, I simply MUST get a picture," Padme said, whipping out her camera. She snapped a couple of flattering photos, then put the camera away.
"You look great, hon," Mara commented. "You'll be sure to knock Boba off his feet."
Jaina's eyes went wide. "But---"
"It's just an expression, hon. It means you'll impress him."
"Oh. Alrighty then."
The doorbell rang, and Leia got up to get it. She swung the door open...
This was not Boba Fett.
This dude was very tall, had dark sunglasses, and wore a leather jacket. His hair looked kinda funky, like it had been singed off somehow.
"Sarah Connor?" he asked flatly.
"Uh, no. I'm Leia. There's no Sarah Connors here."
"Sorry. Wrong movie." The man turned, hopped on his motorcycle, and sped away.
Leia went back to the other women. "Very, very weird."
"Who was it, Mom?"
Leia frowned. "Some big biker guy looking for Sarah Connor. Oh well. Boba should be here any minute now---"
The doorbell rang again. Mara got it this time. "Jaina, your date is here!"
Jaina swallowed, then walked to the doorway. "Hi, Boba."
"Hey, Jaina. You ready?"
"Yep. Bye everyone!"
___________________________________________
At the resturaunt, Big Bob's or something like that, Jaina opened the menu and stared at it carefully.
"Where are the bantha burgers?" she muttered.
"Their rather poor substitute is a cheeseburger," Boba explained. "Cheeseburger, fries, and soda. Not the best, but Americans claim it's their 'trademark' food product."
Their waitress arrived. Jaina read the nametag. Sarah. She was a petite dark blonde, with circles under her eyes and a ragged look on her face.
"Miss, we're ready to order now!" someone called from another table.
"Just a second, ma'am," Sarah replied. "Okay," she said, turning to Boba and Jaina.
"What can I get you guys?"
"Cheeseburger, fries, and coke," Jaina said promptly. "I'm trying to fit in with the American society."
"A foreigner?"
Jaina grinned. "You have no idea."
"And you, sir?"
"Just a soda. With a long straw. I don't eat in public."
Sarah arched an amused eyebrow. "Okay, coming right up."
She walked off.
"Nice girl," Boba commented.
"Yep. The poor thing looks like she took a walk through the Tatooine desert, though. You know, it's probably none of my business, but there was a guy looking for her earlier. Right before you came over. He asked for a Sarah Connor, then hopped on his motorcycle and sped off."
"Hmm. There's a lot of people named Sarah," Boba mused. "Coincidence?"
Jaina shrugged. "Perhaps."
"Okay, here it is," Sarah said, setting down the orders. "Anything else I can get you two?"
"No thank you," Boba said.
"Have a nice meal." Sarah headed towards another table.
And they did.
______________________________________________
"Two tickets to see Star Wars," Boba said.
The person behind the booth handed it to them. In a few minutes, they were both seated in a nasty theater.
"I hate previews," Boba muttered.
"Join the club."
They sat through the previews (barely), and the main attraction came on.
A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY....
Music blasted through the speakers. Jaina frowned. Something very suspicious was going on here...
AS PRINCESS LEIA RACES HOME ON BOARD HER STARSHIP...
Jaina choked on her soda.
_No way._
"No way," Boba whispered.
_______________________________________________
Any innocent observer, watching people file out of the movie theater, would have seen two freaks laughing their butts off: one dressed like Boba Fett, the other with a striking resemblence to Leia.
"I swear--" Jaina said between chuckles. "That was--*snort* the funniest-- *giggle* thing I've ever seen!"
Boba was holding his side. "And---your grandpa--- 'I find your lack of faith disturbing'....hahahahahahahaha!!!"
Jaina slapped Boba's hand in a "high five", then the two went out to the parking lot.
A loud BANG sounded in Jaina's ears.
"Was that a gunshot?"
"Look!" Boba said, pointing.
A station wagon with two people---a man and a woman---drove by, followed in hot pursuit by a freaky-looking guy on a motorcycle.
"Was that our waitress Sarah in the front seat?!" Jaina asked.
"I'm not sure," Boba replied quietly.
The ride home was very silent.
__________________________________
Boba walked Jaina up to the front step.
"That was fun," Jaina said. "Thank you."
"I thought so too. Maybe we could do it again sometime?"
Jaina smiled. "I'd like that." She opened the door.
"Goodnight," Boba said.
"Goodnight."
______________________________________________
Boba burst through the door, singing a song cheerfully.
"Why are you so happy?" Maul asked, looking up from his lightsaber.
"I just got back from the best date."
"Who with?"
"Jaina Solo."
Maul was quiet for a moment.
"What's the matter?" Boba said teasingly. "Jealous?"
Maul snorted. "Hardly."
The Sith Apprentice had a very hard time falling asleep that night.
********************************************************
"Hey, Maul?" Boba said.
"Yes?"
"I'm going over to the Skywalker/Solo house. I'll see ya later."
"WAIT!" Maul was on his feet in an instant, throwing on his robe and checking his teeth in the mirror.
"What?" Boba asked. "Why?"
"Uhmm..." Maul quickly thought of a good excuse. "Uh, I need to talk to Jaina's grandpa."
"Funny how you refer to his as 'Jaina's' grandpa... You jealous?"
"No! Of ccourse not. Jaina was the first name that came to mind."
"Huh... Okay, c'mon, let's get going."
________________________________________
"Good morning, Boba," Jaina said as she answered the door. She barely glanced at Maul. "Wanna come in?"
"Sure, thanks. Maul is here."
Jaina arched an eyebrow. "Oh, hi. Are you here to see Grandpa?" Her voice didn't seem cold or rude, simply... disinterested.
"Uh, yeah. Is he here?"
"In the backyard. He's helping Dad fix the fence."
"Did Chewie break it again?" Boba asked.
They stepped into the front hallway. Jaina closed the door.
"Nope," she replied warmly, looking straight into his eyes--er, I mean, T- shaped visor. "Dad needed a place to land the Falcon, and you know how it is..."
Boba smiled. The only reason Jaina could tell was by her inept ability in the Force.
"Well," Jaina said to Maul, "you know where to find Grandpa. Pepsi, Boba?"
"Thanks, babe."
Maul walked away, muttering to himself.
**********************************************
Vader was feeling depressed that morning. He went about his usual business methodically: making Padme's coffee, washing everyone's clothes, cooking breakfast, hugging each of his grandchildren before they went off to school....
As he stirred the scrambled eggs, an idea came to him. It had been a very long time since he and Padme had been out, spending time together. The only time they ever got the chance to be alone was when they were getting ready for bed, and even then they were too tired to strike up intelligent conversation.
Today would be a real treat.
Once everyone was pre-occupied with other business, Vader took Padme off to the side.
"How would you like to go to dinner and a movie tonight?" he asked. "Just you and me."
Padme grinned. "Sounds great!"
The doorbell rang just then, and Padme opened the door.
"Hey, Palpy," he heard her say. "Come on in."
"Thanks, Padme." Palpy walked into the kitchen, smiling at Vader. "Good morning! I brought you guys some apple pie, clothes for the twins, candy for Anakin, and a Sith-polishing handbook for you. It contains some tips on keeping black clothing and leather clean, so I think you'll like it."
Vader took the book. "Thanks. You like waffles?"
"Blackberry."
__________________________________________________________
Jaina sank back into the couch and sighed. School had been paticularly long that day, and it wasn't because her mind was on Boba.
Aunt Mara had been having some lower back pains due to her large belly. It wasn't long now before Jaina's cousin would be born. She wondered if it would be a boy or a girl.
Would it look like Uncle Luke, with fair skin, blonde hair and blue eyes? Or Aunt Mara, with tan skin, red hair, and green eyes?
Jaina, personally, couldn't wait. And she knew Mara couldn't possibly hold that baby any longer without falling over.
"See you later, Jaina," Palpatine said as he was walking out the door.
"Keep it cool, Uncle Palpy."
Jaina was drop-dead tired. Perhaps she would stay home today; hang out---
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
___________________________________________________________
"Jaina!" Vader called. "Your friends are here."
Boba and Maul walked into the living room.
"Hey, Jaina," Maul said before Boba could talk.
"Oh, hi, Maul. Boba! Comere and gimme a hug."
Fett did so, and Jaina smiled.
"Can I speak with you in the other room?" Maul whispered.
"Sure, Maul," Boba said.
The two roomies moved into the kitchen, and Maul slammed the door.
"She liked me originally!" he shouted.
"You treated her like dirt! At least I was nice to her!"
In the other room, Jaina sighed. Maul was getting jealous.... Could things possibly get worse?
The doorbell rang.
"AGAIN?!" Vader roared. "GO AWAY!!!!!"
A teenage boy swaggered confidently into the living room. He was tall, and had long black hair tied back in a ponytail.
"ZEKK?!" Jaina exclaimed.
"Hey, Jaina," he said, smiling. "Uh, listen, sorry 'bout breaking up with you.... I really wanna give it another chance."
"Zekk...uh, you see, there's this little problem---"
"Is he bothering you, Jaina?" Boba said, coming in.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of him," cut in Maul.
A tall man with biker clothing walked into the living room. "Hasta la vista, baby."
An alien with a metal mask and dreadlocks poked his head in. "Hi, um, is this the home of a Major Dutch Schafer?"
"Hey, back off!" Boba said, pushing Maul.
"She liked me FIRST!" Maul shouted, pushing Fett back.
"Uhm, Jaina?" said Zekk. "Please explain!!!"
"Come with me if you want to live."
"Yeah, um, my name is Predator, that's with an 'o r' at the end, not 'o r e'. Ya see, I supposedly died in the jungle, and ya know, I gotta get my revenge.... I hate the script, but then again, I didn't write it....."
"Jaina," Vader said, poking his head in, "could you water my roses please? I think they're getting a little dry....."
"She is MY girlfriend!!!!"
"She didn't like you first!!!"
"Trust me."
"Dutch, ya know, he's a great guy, but you know those darn screenwriters..."
"Jaina? Jaina, the roses need attention."
Jaina turned from person to person (or in Terminator and Predator's case, cyborg to disgusting alien), exhasperated. She couldn't take it anymore.
"SHADDUP!!!!!!!! SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!! BOBA AND MAUL, BREAK IT UP! ZEKK, IT ENDED YEARS AGO! AND YOU TWO, I DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW HOW THE HECK YOU GOT HERE!!! GRANDPA----Grandpa, I'm kinda busy right now. THE REST OF YOU, OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone stared at eachother in dumbfounded amazement. No one said anything...
"Uhmm...."
Everyone turned, and saw Padme, Leia, and Mara standing in the doorway.
"This is quite interesting," Leia said, arching an eyebrow. "Jaina, I didn't know you had so many boyfriends."
"They're not my boyfriends!" Jaina exclaimed. She pointed to Terminator and Predator. "I don't even KNOW those guys!!!"
"Padme, sweetheart," Vader said, untying his apron. "Ready to go?"
"All set."
"Where are you going?" Mara asked.
"Movies," Vader replied. "We're seeing STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE."
Boba and Jaina tossed each other a look and giggled.
"Well, we'll all go!" Han said, entering the room.
"Uhm," said Vader, "that's not exactly---"
"What a good idea, Han!" Padme exclaimed. "Right Ani?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess." Vader pulled Padme off to the side. "Sweetheart," he whispered, "this is NOT what I had in mind."
"Oh, come on, it'll be fun. All the Solos/Skywalkers going out to the movies together." She tossed a look at Predator and Terminator, who appeared to be having a staring contest of some kind. "They can come too, if they want." She shuddered. "I don't like that alien. He gives me the willies."
"You're the one who said he can come if he wants."
"Alright, everyone!" Padme said, turning. "Who wants to go to The Phantom Menace?"
"YEA!!!"
________________________________________________________
"How many tickets, sir?" the ticket-handing-out person asked. "By the way, awesome costume."
"Thank you," Vader said. "As many as possible, please."
The ticket-handing-out person handed it over and smiled. "Thank you, sir. Enjoy the movie."
The Gang moved into the dark movie theater and sat down. People stared in awe, but the Gang didn't notice.
Previews played, popcorn was bought, people went to the bathroom for the last time...
Then the music began.
"Finally," Padme whispered.
"Wait a second," Vader muttered. "There's something familiar about this movie...." Obi-Wan's face filled the screen. Vader stood up and shouted, "CURSE YOU, OBI-WAN!!!"
"Shhh!" someone said. Vader turned around.
A woman and her son were glaring at him angrily.
"Do you mind?" the boy hissed.
"John, please be quiet," the Terminator said.
"You be quiet," the lady said. "I never liked you, anyways."
"Mom, be nice."
Vader shook his head.
_All I wanted was a date with my wife._
"Quiet!" someone else shouted.
The Gang watched peacefully for about an hour. Then the door to the movie theater was kicked in, and all went downhill.
"Alright everyone!" Mister Freeze said. "Chill."
"Freeze, the heat is on!" Batman said, kicking Freeze in the face.
A bunch of commandos filed into the theater.
"Knock knock!" the lead commando said.
"Curse you, Dutch!" Predator said, jumping to his feet.
"What the heck is going on?!" Leia shrieked. "Oh, Han! HOLD ME!" She collapsed into his arms, and Han grinned.
"Don't worry, Jaina," Maul said. "I'll protect you."
Jaina turned and socked him in the face. "No thank you. Goodnight."
Maul sagged to the floor.
"High five, Jaina," Jacen said, holding up his hand. Jaina slapped it.
A policeman walked into the theater.
"Officer!" Mara exclaimed. "Thank goodness you're here."
The woman behind them jumped to her feet, as did Terminator. They fired at the policeman. The T-1000 laughed evilly.
"Crap, Lugnuts, I thought you killed it!" John said.
Terminator shrugged. "Sorry."
"Long time, no see," the lead commando said to Predator. "Man, I hate these puns. They always have to give me the bad puns. Why can't YOU have the bad puns for a change? In the movie, all you said was 'ahahahaha', 'click click click', and 'roar'. I'm stuck with 'stick around' and 'knock knock'. How rude."
The Predator shrugged and sighed. "Hey, I didn't write the darn thing. Let's get back to the fight."
"Good idea."
A sudden shout sounded out. Everyone went silent, and looked at Mara. She had an odd expression on her face.
"Honey, you alright?" Luke asked.
"Contractions!" she said. "Con-trac-tions!!!!!"
"Someone call an ambulance!"
"I'm on it," Jaina said.
"No, I'm on it," Dutch said.
"Look, man, I've got it."
"No, that's alright. I'll get it."
"Be quiet, both of you," Vader said, pulling out his black leather-covered Nokia® cell phone. "I'LL call the ambulance."
Dutch and Jaina looked at him, back at eachother. Then they shrugged.
"Okay."
______________________________________________________________
2 hours later, at the hospital, everyone in the theater (everyone that was worth mentioning, anyways) was waiting anxiously in the lobby.
John was teaching Terminator high fives; Palpy was teaching Vader and Han how to tap dance; Jacen and Anakin were arguing over what ship was faster; Leia and Padme were talking about interior decorating (sigh); Zekk, Boba, and Maul were brooding silently in seperate corners; the Predator was humming some song that no one cared to identify; the commandos were talking about a lot of nothing; Batman and Mister Freeze were discussing crime levels in Gotham City; and, every so often, Jaina and Dutch would pass eachother shy looks and smiles.
"I swear," a nurse said, "you guys have the BEST Halloween costumes I have ever seen!"
"Halloween? What's Halloween?" Vader asked, confused.
"Nevermind."
Luke burst through the double doors, grinning from ear to ear.
"IT'S A BOY!!!! I'M A DADDY!!!!!!!"
Everyone jumped up out of their seats and crowded around Luke, laughing, talking, and asking questions.
"The doctor says we can all go in at once," Luke said. "What a strange planet this is."
Everyone filed into the delivery room. Mara looked tired, but intensely happy, and she said,
"Does everyone wish to see Ben Skywalker?"
"YEA!!"
She held up a tiny bundle and lifted back the blanket. Underneath, a little boy yawned and opened his eyes. They were.... gray.
"Gray?" Vader said. "My grandson has gray eyes???"
"Looks that way."
"Where the heck did he GET them from??? NONE of us have gray eyes."
"I have no idea," Luke said, confused. "I guess he's just special that way."
"Why didn't anyone TELL me babies were so ugly when they come out?" Anakin asked, his face wrinkled up in disgust.
"He'll get much nicer looking when he grows up," Dutch said. "Unlike SOME people I know," he added, tossing a look at the Predator.
"Can it, Shaefer," the alien replied.
"Did I look that ugly when I came out?" Anakin inquired, looking at his mother.
"Yes, sweetie, everyone does," Leia said.
"So there," the Predator retorted, glaring at Dutch.
"Don't be so immature," Dutch ordered.
"I'm not!"
"I think you are."
"You're both immature," Padme said.
"We all are," Vader added.
"Let's leave it at that."
And so they did.
THE END!
That is, until I get the sequels up..... ;-)