Author's Note: In the end, I debated whether or not to post this and you can thank Vorcha Girl for reassuring me it should be seen. I certainly have to thank Vorcha Girl, again, for your support. I hope you enjoy... - TLC

Just the Beginning

How had it come to this? The comm shut off and Admiral Hackett's image faded away. Sloan Shepard gripped the control panel and her head hung low in front of her. The weight on her shoulders was suddenly too much, and she sighed deeply. It matched the dead weight of a grown man in full armor. She closed her eyes, her knees felt weak and she knew if she released the panel from her white knuckled grip she'd fall to the floor.

Everything had happened so fast. Was it just this morning she was standing at the window looking out over Vancouver and letting her mind wander? Her thoughts had drifted to the last time she was in the city. The two weeks she spent there with Kaidan were the happiest weeks of her life. When she found out her incarceration would be in Vancouver, she had hoped Kaidan would stop in and see her. He didn't. The fact that he didn't come said more than anything he had said on Horizon. The message he sent her had said maybe when things calmed down… Well, things didn't get much calmer than house arrest and still nothing.

Then the Reapers hit, and for the third time in her existence, life as she knew it was over. They escaped on the Normandy, leaving Anderson behind, and ended the day with Kaidan's injury. Hackett had brushed it off like it was nothing, like he was just another soldier. He said it was just the beginning, and he was right. Shepard cursed herself. There was a time in her career she would have been able to accept the injury, or death, of a crew member as part of the job and move on. She could compartmentalize; ever since Akuze she had to.

Like it or not, to her, Kaidan was different. He was special. He meant more to her than he was supposed to. What was the point of saving the fucking galaxy if Kaidan wasn't in it?

"Commander?" Liara's gentle voice broke through her melancholy and she felt her back straighten, though she didn't ease her grip on the panel. "EDI is extracting data from the Cerberus machine. We'll have details to present to the Council by the time we reach the Citadel."

"And Kaidan?" She croaked out after a silent heartbeat, barely turning her head to look over her shoulder.

"I've done what I can for him, but we need to get him to a medical facility soon," Liara was being gentle, but the desperation in her voice told Shepard how dire the situation was. "The Admiral is right. It's going to get worse, isn't it?" Liara asked as Shepard turned to leave the comm room, and enter the war room proper. Shepard paused when she reached Liara, she met her eyes and sighed.

"If we don't stop the Reapers? Yeah," Shepard said, her voice cold and detached. Liara's eyes widened in response to her tone, and Shepard just pushed passed her without further comment.

All Shepard wanted to do was leave the war room. She wanted to sit down and process. Right now, two of the people who meant the most to her were beyond her help and she hated it. Leaving David on Earth had been one of the most difficult things she had ever done, but it was what he wanted. It was what he had ordered her to do. She'd had no choice.

Kaidan… Kaidan was all her fault. Why did she hesitate to take the shot? If she had taken it right away she could have saved him. Was she afraid of hitting him, or did she think he could get himself out of it? If it had been any other soldier she wouldn't have hesitated. This was the reason for the regulations. He shouldn't mean more than any other soldier.

He did.

Does.

Shepard nearly groaned when Liara pressed on about the Prothean device. She could feel the headache building as she reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose while listening to Liara, "I have looked at the data. This weapon could be the answer… if we can build it," Liara paused and crossed her arms over her chest and watched as Shepard scrubbed her hands over her face. Shepard turned her swollen, exhausted eyes to her friend and sighed. "I get the sense you do not quite believe it, though."

Shepard was surprised by the hopelessness in her own voice when she spoke, "You didn't see what they did to Earth. How is one weapon supposed to stop them?" She asked, looking into the Asari's eyes. She wished there were answers there. The Asari lived for hundreds of years. Surely, she could look to her friend and find some kind of answer. They had so much more time. They had centuries of history on the galactic stage. Humanity had less than thirty years. Shepard sighed; the Asari lived for hundreds of years, yes, but not fifty thousand.

"What are our options?" Liara asked her with a shrug. Shepard realized there was no answer for her to find with the scientist. A quiet breath escaped her nose and she suddenly wanted to be anywhere but here, talking to her. "You know we can not win this conventionally!" Shepard could hear Liara was getting upset and all it did was piss her off. Her jaw was clenched as she looked around the room, at anything but Liara. She hated feeling like this. Hopeless. Unprepared. Why hadn't anyone listened to her? "Commander?" Liara asked after Shepard's silent moment. "Is it not worth trying at least?"

Shepard turned her back on Liara and moved towards the door to the room, "Make sure you're ready to present your findings to the Council," She ordered and Liara insisted the Council would be willing to help. A chuckle slipped from Shepard, despite the rolling tension in her gut, but it was lacking in mirth, "It'll be a hell of a short war if they don't," She could feel the Asari's eyes on her back as she left, but she didn't want to talk about a plan and options anymore. All she wanted to do was hear Kaidan's voice, even if he was yelling at her. "I'm going to go check on Kaidan."

She left the war room, leaving Liara at the station to work with the data. She went to her quarters to change out of her gear and into her BDUs before going down to sit with Kaidan. She was in the bathroom splashing water on her face, but it wasn't until she was patting her face dry with the towel from that morning that she stopped and looked at herself in the mirror. She flashed back to earlier in the day when he was standing just behind her as they argued. Damn it, why did they have to argue when all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him, bury her face in his chest, and let him hold her?

He couldn't die.

Who was she kidding? He didn't come see her, made no attempted to contact her, hell, he'd practically called her a husk. She left the room and waited for the elevator and she wished they had a doctor onboard. "EDI?" She called out as the elevator doors opened before her.

"Yes, Shepard?" The disembodied, digital voice purred around her in the small car.

"See if you can track down Dr. Chakwas. I'd like to know she's okay and see if maybe I can convince her to rejoin us," Shepard ordered, and EDI sounded her acceptance of the order. The doors opened on the crew deck and she single mindedly made her way to the med bay. She entered, and paused. The lights were dimmed and he was the only occupant. She moved slowly towards the cot, her hands balled at her sides.

She felt the emotion rise like vomit, burning at the back of her throat. She reached the cot and her eyes moved over his form. The scans they had ran over him when they reached the ship had shown injuries to his head, obviously, but also to his shoulders and spine. They opted to leave him in his hardsuit for the stability it provided. His handsome face was already bruised, and there was a smear of blood that had trickled from his nose down to his lips. He looked like death. With the exception of the bruising, his skin was gray and clammy, instead of the warm olive tones she'd been used to. She reached into the table next to his bed for a cloth. She moved silently to the sink on the other side of the room and wet the cloth before moving back to his bedside.

She sat next to him on the cot. The cloth was balled in her fingers and her hand shook as she reached out towards him. She kept waiting for his eyes to open, that heated whiskey gaze meeting hers and making her heart race. She gingerly ran the cloth over his face. Cleaning some of the dirt and dust from his day off his skin. She moved the cloth carefully under his nose to wipe the blood. She felt the tears welling in her eyes. She switched the cloth from one hand to the other, then she reached out and let her fingers trace his lips.

That scar was still there, cutting through his lips. She traced it. Her eyes drinking him in. She forced herself to remember him from before. When she would wake first and he was still sleeping peacefully next to her. It didn't happen often. He was a relatively light sleeper and her movement would wake him. His eyes would open, still glazed with sleep. A lazy smile would pull at his lips, and his arms would wrap around her and pull her into his chest. She would inhale and feel the rush he brought her. Just the way he smelled made her heart race.

She moved her fingers and they traced over his jawline. The stubble there tickled her fingertips. She remembered the way his jaw clenched when he was angry. The way it moved when he ate, spoke, or laughed. The way it felt in her hands when he kissed her. Her fingers slid up the side of his face, and she noticed something for the first time. He had gray hair. His hair was definitely more pepper than salt, but the gray had certainly made its appearance over the last few years. She smiled when she thought of his father. Alex had a full head of thick white hair. Kaidan had aged well while she was away, and she imagined he would look a lot like Alex when he was older.

She was startled when the door opened behind her. "Commander?" A deep, familiar voice rang out behind her.

"I've told you how many times not to call me that, James, it's Shepard," She answered, pulling her hand from Kaidan's face and turning towards the young Lieutenant. She wiped at her eyes, glad none of the tears had fallen. She didn't want James to see her that way, but she didn't move off the cot. She liked feeling Kaidan at her side.

"Well, your argument about your rank is worthless now that you've been reinstated," James replied, gesturing to the dog tags hanging around her neck. She glanced down and tucked them under her collar as she asked what he wanted. "I wrote up the reports from today. Did you want to review them before I submit them?" He asked and Shepard felt a rush of appreciation for him. She hadn't even thought about the paperwork from the day. She held her hand out and he slipped the data pad into her grip. He stood at a relaxed attention as she read over the documents. They were sound and precise. She couldn't have done them better. She initialed them with the stylus attached and handed them back to him, thanking him for taking care of it for her. He nodded. "Is there anything else you need?" He asked her, and his eyes moved to the Major on the cot beside her. Shepard turned to follow his gaze.

"A doctor," She whispered, and James said nothing. James stood silent next to her, a supportive presence.

"Permission to speak freely, Ma'am?" James asked, and Shepard snorted.

"Please, don't be ridiculous, James. You've spent the last six months saying whatever you wanted, I certainly don't expect less. I need people with me who are going to speak their mind and call me out," She said, her blue eyes looking up to meet his dark, reassuring gaze. It struck her then, just how large he is. He towered over her, and was twice as wide. He was a house. She hoped he would reconsider his decision to go back to Earth. She was impressed with him, and wanted to have him on her team. At this point in her life, in this life, the number of people she could trust completely was in the single digits and she needed them all with her for as long as possible. At some point over the last six months, he'd managed to have his name added to that list.

"As head of your security detail, I had to review the list of requests for access everyday. I didn't make the decisions, but I was supposed to track those who were looking to see you," He said, and Shepard's eyes shot to his, not sure what he was about to tell her but hoping. "The day you arrived in Vancouver, the day you surrendered the Normandy, Major Alenko requested to see you," He informed her, and her eyes moved back to Kaidan's face. "He was denied by Anderson. The reason given was that your trial was starting and he was scheduled to testify. Anderson wanted to be sure his testimony was kept clean," He explained and Shepard turned her eyes back to his.

"My trial has been over for over a week," She reminded him, her voice gruff as she tried to choke down her hope.

"And Major Alenko has asked to see you every day since the trial ended," James explained, and Shepard chewed her lip as she considered his words, "but he was denied, and this time I wasn't given a reason."

Shepard nodded, "Thank you, James. I hope, when we reach the Citadel, that you will reconsider staying with me on the Normandy. In light of today, I need good soldiers. Good soldiers I can trust at my back. I would like you to be there," She admitted, and thought for a moment she saw the big man blush.

"Commander-"

"Shepard," She corrected, with a sigh and an overwhelming sense of déjà vu.

He sighed, "Shepard, I … I'll consider it," he accepted and she nodded. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No," She croaked out, turning her eyes back to Kaidan. James pulled a chair up to the cot and pulled a blanket out of the closet. He set it on the chair and turned to leave the med bay. "Thank you, Vega." He left without responding, the doors sighing closed behind him. Shepard moved from the cot to the chair and slid it closer to the bed. She leaned back, resting her head on the back of the chair and kicking her feet out in front of her. She rested her hand on the cot next to him. She kept her eyes on his face as she twisted her fingers with his gloved hand.

She spent all that time angry. Angry that he hadn't come to see her. Angry that there had been no contact. For nothing. There was so much wasted time between them, and all she wanted was a little more. She let her eyes close and focused on his hand, barely linked with hers.

It was much later the next day. Shepard had already met with the Council, and they weren't helping, not really. She had a new mission set out before her. She had to play politics and gather a galactic force to wage war against the Reapers while the Alliance worked on building the Prothean device Liara had found. She felt like she was standing at the base of a mountain, barefoot and without the proper supplies and gear as she stared at the peak she was being forced to climb, alone. The only person she wanted with her was behind the door in front of her, and she couldn't bring herself to cross the threshold.

She had already spoke with Dr. Chakwas. When EDI had reached out to her, luckily, she had been on the Citadel and had rushed to Huerta to meet them here when they arrived. She had agreed to join Shepard back on the ship, leaving Kaidan's care in Dr. Michel's capable hands. Shepard was impressed with the young Dr. Michel's progress in her career. When they had met three years ago, she was running a small clinic in the wards. Now, she was running the largest hospital on the Citadel. She was as comfortable as she could be leaving Kaidan in her care.

The problem was leaving. She had done everything she had to do here. Spoken with the Council, and with Commander Bailey in C-Sec. She'd even agreed to let a reporter from the Alliance News Network run a show from her ship, a move that surprised even herself. The reporter, Diana Allers, had a point. They needed support, and she had viewers. Now, all she had to do was say goodbye to Kaidan and then go stop a war. The problem was, saying goodbye.

With a lift of her hand the door sighed open. He was lying on the hospital bed, out of his armor, in a white cotton top and under the blanket. He was hooked up to so many machines. She wished she understood what they were trying to tell her. Dr. Michel said he was stable, and while not out of the woods she was optimistic. Optimism was harder for Shepard. Her eyes danced over his face. His nose was bleeding again, and that made her uncomfortable. She found and dampened a cloth before wiping the blood away again. She sighed and took his hand in hers as her other hand moved to his head. She let it slip through his hair as she spoke.

"If I could stay, Kaidan, I would. I would sit here and wait for you to wake up like you did for me, so many times," She said, the corner of her mouth pulling in a smirk. "I have to go talk politics. Want to trade with me? I would trade with you," She closed her eyes as it all became too much, "Fuck me," She sighed, trying to swallow the helplessness. Her eyes opened and landed once again on his face. "You have to wake up, Kaidan," She couldn't look away from him, so she leaned in close, her lips near his ear. "I need you," She admitted, resting her forehead against his for a moment, not wanting to pull away. Eventually, she pulled back enough to kiss his forehead. A heavy sob filled her chest and she choked it down. She pulled back and let her eyes take him in, afraid this would be the last time she would see him. She pressed her hand to his forehead before letting her fingers trace down his face.

She pulled herself away from him and forced herself to leave without looking back. She couldn't look back anymore. She had to make sure there was a future to look forward to, as usual.