A farewell to the Legend
Upon the steeping slope of Firelink shrine The Unkindled One sat slumped over a gravestone. Both hands wrapped around the stone, he sobbed piteously in near animalistic tones.
In his mourning, he barely noted the shadow falling over him, turning only as finger clasped his shuddering shoulder.
Raising his still shaking head, he was met by the unmistakable helmet of an Astorian Knight. Stifling his tears for a second, he managed a nod before returning his attention to the grave.
Sighing the Chosen Undead kept his hand on the Unkindled shoulder. Wistfully he looked to the sky, wishing there was more he could to do to alleviate his friend's agony. He was never good with words, considering the only time he had said something he was mistaken for an 8-foot spider girl.
Was his voice really that effeminate?!
However, before he could further contemplate on his masculinity (or lack thereof) he was interrupted by the voice of the Unkindled.
"I can't believe he's actually gone." As the Unkindled rose from his position, the Chosen Undead's eyes fell on the grave.
A fearsome Zweihander dug into the earth, still quivering with the greed tongues of chaos flame. And leaned against its lifelong compatriot was a shield, divided across its middle into two opposite colour pallets and decorated with coiling vines.
"But he is." The Chosen Undead spoke, a deep mournful tone of a man who was holding back his own tears. He had to, for the sake of his comrade, he had to be strong.
"I don't see what's the big deal," A third knight spoke from behind them, his Faram armour billowing dramatic as he held aloft a Uchigatana and Washing Pole. "Strength builds are invalid anyways."
"Shut up scrub." The Chosen Undead glared him down.
But the damage was done, as the Unkindled started to bawl loudly. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! FIRST POISE AND… NOW HIM…"
"Gwyndolin's Balls, Bearer of the Curse, can't you see he's grieving! We all are!" The Chosen undead snapped.
"The Legend was more than a build, he was our protector. He alone showed those filthy Dex scrubs that we weren't to be messed with. He alone could defeat a fully levelled team while being a balanced level 120!"
The question rang in his head as he spoke, who was to stop them now. The filthy armies of Havel mages, and their pet bait-rolling ninja boys. Each unit ate up damage like Smough in a gay man's bar. And the endless hordes of their summons meant whatever victory one could achieve was a fleeting one. And worse of all they were SO DAMN IMPOLITE!
Now it was only a matter of time before they awoke the legendary Smelter Butt Havel, a level 838 beast who mastered all the stats… but only knows how to cast hexes for some reason.
Their only hope had been The Legend. But with no moustachioed masks in the game, the legend would be unable to take up arms. So in his memory they dug him a grave and buried Yui Tanimura in it, not realizing that in their grief that Dark Souls 2 was a decent game.
"He was a Meme Chosen." Like the edgelord he was, the Series' Second Protagonist spoke with a voice that would have made Sasuke Uchiya tell him to lighten up. "An unfunny, outdated meme that outstayed its…"
His words were interrupted as the earth shook beneath them. Suddenly, the sky went darken, and a crack in the earth emerged before the grave. The split broke further forcing the knights to flee before they fell below.
As the Yui Tanimura filled coffin fell into the abyss, a massive column of flame rose to fill the gap. The sheer incandescence of the light was so intense that Solaire rose from the grave just to praise it, and the firekeeper's blindness was somehow reversed.
Unfortunately, this happened just as she was attending Anri's wedding, resulting in a lot of screaming and an outbreak of flames. Anor Londo was burnt to the ground, except for the ridiculous revolving staircase. The entire castle collapsed, crushing Aldrich and Sully, and bird people rose from the painting and took over. Boo…
Meanwhile, the Unkindled shielding his eyes from the sight as best he could before he was blown off his feet. In total awe of the aura he exclaimed. "God? Is that you?"
"There's no such thing as a Gods." The BOTC interjected, despite the fact he was messaging Gwyndolin to send him pictures of his 'Anaconda' at that very instant. "They are a lie invented by the church to fool you gullible…"
Before he could continue however, a familiar voice thundered. "YOU LEVELED DEX!"
The Bearer of the Curse only managed a blink before a giant flaming fist caught him by the throat, and was dragged screaming into the flame. The flame expanded from the sudden burst of souls, due to the fact the BOTC had 23, million unspent souls.
"Oh my god! It totally is god!" The Unkindled fell into a prostration posture.
"No look… its."
Kalameet, the dragon of chaos and wrapped around his neck, a tiny figure, who was no doubt the source of all this weirdness.
Dressed in a white sailor Seifuku, with a yellow ribbon adorning her dark brown hair was a character who clearly didn't belong in the dark world of dark souls.
"Oh my god it's Suzumi Haruhi!" The Unkindled exclaimed as he watched her leapt of her mount.
As she hit the ground at maximum velocity, the fabric of her skirt flipped back exposing a panty shot for the knights. Saying a prayer to Gwyn, the Unkindled snapped a picture on his iPhone, then wiped the blood of his visor. But the more analytical Chosen Undead could not help noticing a bulge under said undergarments.
"No! You idiot!" The girl spoke in the voice of an adult male who had his mike too close to his lips, making every breath echo across their ears, and weirding out the Unkindled, and possibly slightly aroused the Chosen Undead. "It's me… OnlyAfro, the father of the father of giants."
"Kinda redundant don't you think?" The Chosen questioned, tucking his face behind his scarf to hide his blushing… helmet? Wat?
"It's a trap!" Admiral Ackbar shouted, causing the Unkindled to draw out a great club and batter the SoulsBourne uploader on the head.
OnlyAfro didn't seem bothered by this in the least, simply continuing to speak in his best Nyanners impression. "Listen here bitch, I came here to tell you the moral of the story and put an end to this ridiculous fanfic. So, are you gonna shut up and let me finish?"
"K." The two knights nodded.
Clearing his voice, OnlyAfro raised his finger to the sky. "It's not a matter of masks or stats. Heck it's not even about build viability!"
"It's about having fun and friendship?" The Unkindled offered.
"It's about difficulty! And how anything remotely difficult is Dark Souls!" A gaming journalist said. Immediately after saying this the journalist was blown up with a bone ash cannon.
Wiping the gore of his face, Only lowered the canon and sighed at the idiotic knight. "JesusChristorwhateverentityyoubelieveinbecausewedon'tjudgehere are you daft? Don't you get it? The legend never dies!"
"I understand…" Unkindled's eyes widened. "We just had to believe in him!"
"What! No! None of that gay ass shit." Only said, as he was suddenly wearing nothing but a bikini.
"Huh… then what then."
With a ferocious roar, the Legendary Armored Core Mecha White Glint blew through the air, giving Vaatividya a heart attack for the breach in canon. As he muttered how it was not canon, he was taken to a hospital where he was taken care of by nurse Priscilla. The two would later hook up, and have 17 one quarter dragon babies.
But before that takes place and the story detiorates into an R-rating, Dark Spirit Deadpool appeared next to the Knights, spamming the clap emote.
"Super hero landing, he's gonna do a super hero landing!"
White Glint's head pulled over revealing Hidetaka Miyazaqi.
The developer plummeted down in freefall, breaking the sound barrier and released a wave of destructive moonlight and glitter. Then landing on his feet he glared intensively at the Knight.
"Pendent?" The Knight asked.
"Pendent." Miyazaqi nodded.
"PENDENT!" The Legend proclaimed, giving a thumbs up.