*I don't own Cats or "The Flying Car". I just wanted to write this down for everyone!*
Rum Tum Tugger and Munkustrap were sitting in their animals crates, coming home from the vet's. The car had come to a complete stop due to traffic. As his owners angrily cussed out the other drivers, Tugger glanced out the window. Tugger had watched a show with his owner's called "The Jetson's" and how they had flying cars, unlike the cars nowadays. He glanced at his brother.
"It's times like this where it occurs to me that the humans were lied to by the Jetson's," Tugger told Munk.
Munk peeked out of the cage over at his brother. He's seen the show, too, so he knew who Tugger was talking about. "What do you mean?"
"According to that show, they were supposed to be tooling around in flying cars by now. Munk, have you seen any flying cars lately? That's the problem with TV: it always lies to them."
Munk rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, most of us rational thinkers weren't banking on a cartoon to offer humans a viable glimpse into the future of what humans call 'technological development'."
Tugger cocked an eyebrow. "You don't think anyone anywhere is working on the flying car?"
Munk sighed. "I could care less."
Tugger rolled his eyes. "I gotta believe that there is somebody else out there who is thinking about the flying car besides me. Someone who is not afraid to throw their hats over the wall for the good of mankind."
Munk cocked an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Throw their hats over the wall. It means committing to doing something." Tugger looked at Munk like he was dumb. "If more humans threw their hats over the wall, they wouldn't be sitting in traffic right now. They'd be zooming over it in the flying car!"
Munk rubbed his whiskers. "I see you have given this a lot of thought…"
Tugger searched his brain for something he heard his owners discuss once. "Kennedy, all right, JFK himself. When he was in office, he stood before the world and promised them a man on the moon within 10 years. The thing is, nobody had started working on a space program at that point. JFK had no data to back up his claims, no inside into the practicality of space travel. But you know what he had?
"Marilyn Monroe?" Munk guessed.
Tugger groaned at his brother. "No! The man had sac! He had the sac to stand before world and say: 'yo, yo, get this we're going to the moon'. Imagine, if you and I were the kind of toms who had the sac to stand before the world and say: 'get this we'll all be in the flying car by the end of the year'!"
"Do you know you have a one track mind?" Munk asked. Tugger narrowed his eyes at him and looked out the window once more. As Tugger thought more about the flying car, he got an idea and looked out his cage again.
"Hey Munk?"
"What?"
"What would you be willing to trade for the flying car?"
"What do you mean?"
"I dunno," Tugger replied thoughtfully. "Say some random tom scientist comes up to you and says: 'I have invented the flying car. I'll give it to you on one condition'."
Munk pursed his lips. "What's the condition?"
Tugger smiled. "He's not going to tell you."
"Then it's no deal."
"But the tom is offering you the flying car!"
Munk shook his head. "Yeah, but there's obviously a catch."
Tugger gaped. "Who cares what the catch it? It's the flying car! You'll have the only one in the world!"
"So why is he offering it to me for free and not to humans who sell cars?"
"What is this? "Murder She Wrote"?" Tugger exclaimed. "Who cares what's behind the mystery! Just take the car Munk!"
"Nope," Munk shook his head. "Not until I know what the catch it."
Tugger groaned. "Fine. The catch is…you gotta cut off your hind paw."
"No way!"
Tugger scoffed. "Are you saying you wouldn't cut off your hind paw for the flying car? You're that selfish?"
Now it was Munk's turn to scoff. "It's my hind paw! How am I supposed to walk?"
"Walk?" Tugger laughed. "You'll have the flying car. Everlasting Cat, you could sell the design and engineering secrets to the humans and be a multibillionaire. After that you could buy like 50 prosthetic hind paws!"
Munk frowned. "Which hind paw: left or right?"
Tugger grinned. He now had Munk fully engaged. "Your choice."
"Ok…I'll trade my left hind paw for the flying car."
"Why your left hind paw?" Tugger asked.
"It's got an ingrown claw," Munk replied sheepishly.
Tugger stared at him with a dumbstruck expression. "Listen to you. A guy offers you the Fire from Olympus that is the flying car and you trade him a bum hind paw!"
"You said I could pick!" Munk retorted.
"So it's a deal then? Your hind paw for the flying car? You sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"You can't welch," Tugger added.
"I won't welch."
"Because the whole world is counting on you."
Munk glanced at his weird brother. "Why the whole world all of a sudden?"
"Because the tom scientist held a press conference with Macavity when he made you the offer. He told the world media once the trade is made. You can do whatever you want with the flying car. Including mass marketing an affordable model for consumer purchase."
"What in Everlasting Cat kind of scientist is this tom anyways?
"One with a lot of free time on his hands…and a paw fetish. So are you in? You going to do the right thing here?
"Yes."
"So it's a deal?" Tugger asked again.
"Yes."
Tugger decided to take this a step further. "Ok, so then what happens is you find out the tom is going to take your hind paw off with a hacksaw."
"What?!"
"And no atheistic."
Munk grimaced. "Aww, screw that!"
"Come on! It's part of the deal!" Tugger whined.
"You didn't say that before!" Munk pointed out.
"Well, you should have paid a lawyer look over the contract. But come on, it only hurts when they're taking your hind paw off. After that they'll use a local on your stump and cauterize the wound."
"Well, why can't I have a local before he cuts it off?"
"Because he is a sick degenerate that likes to inflict pain."
"You said he was a tom of science!" Munk exclaimed.
"You don't think Einstein didn't like hacking tom's paws off? But nobody ever said anything about it because he was one of the great thinkers of our time. But come on Munk! Take a hit for the team! It's a few seconds of pain for a lifetime of riches and zero traffic."
"Fine, as long as I get the local as soon as he is done cutting."
"So you want the local?"
"Who am I, The Marquis De Sade?" Munk asked sarcastically. "Yes, I want the local!"
"All right."
The way Tugger said that made Munk a little suspicious. "Why do you say it like that for?"
"It's just the local he gives you knocks you out and when you're out…he diddles your tom parts."
"Oh, come on!" Munk cried.
Tugger shrugged. "Hey Munk, you made the deal."
"To trade my hind paw for the flying car!" Munk replied. "Not to be tortured and molested by some mad tom scientist!"
"And his friends," Tugger added.
"What?!"
"It's just when he is done with you, he gives his friends a shot at you, too."
Munk growled. "Deals off."
"Munk, what are you? Some kind of homophobe?"
"No, I just don't want to be diddled by some insane tom scientist and his friends after they've hacked my hind paw off!"
"Need I remind you: this is for the flying car!"
"It's not worth it!"
"See?" Tugger said. "You're what's wrong with this world. You're always thinking about your own comfort level – never thinking about the rest of us. This world was built on sacrifice and nearly 30 years of living a life full of selfish paw pampering and intergender intercourse has made you too soft to throw your hat over the wall for the good of mankind. And what's worse is, not only do you ruin it for the rest of us with the flying car, but you completely blow the notion of nobility in the process. The kittens of the world have no heroic figure to emulate. So the future of mankind continues on its downward spiral into entropy and mass extinction until all that was once great about the human race lies buried in the primordial stew to which we'll most certainly return. Thanks to you and ill refusal to reach for the stars and you'll forever be remembered as the sad footnote in the book of life. The wimpy little Jellicle who could of breached the chasm of becoming and being. But instead opted to cover his own arse and paw in the process!"
Munk was starting to get mad at Tugger's speech. "ALRIGHT!" He yelled. "I'll go through with the deal. I'll let the tom scientist hack my hind paw off. Then him and his friends can have their way with me. All for the flying car!"
They finally pulled into their driveway and were let out of their crates. Tugger and Munk started to run to the junkyard and to the Jellicles.
Tugger smirked, happy he irritated his brother. "You would do it with a bunch of toms just to get a car? I thought I knew you Munk!" Tugger laughed and tore down the road.
"RUM TUM TUGGER!" Munk yelled as he chased his brother home. Of course Tugger would do something like that! He chased his brother down the familiar road, laughing.