This one wasn't written for Halloween originally. I'd started writing it in order to process for myself the emotional mess Civil War had left our couple in. (Which is why I didn't dare upload it before we were able to get a little light at the end of our tunnel again. Because it is QUITE heavy). But now it's perfect for Halloween! LOL! What a difference a year makes, right? ;)

And since we're once again in a good (read "great) place with our couple, I've decided to share it with you. It's a bit of a psychological thriller, if you will. So here's the first chapter of a few more to come soon! :D

One last note- I know this timeline is a little off because Spidey HC took place a short time after Civil War, so our lovebirds weren't apart for that long. But remember- WE had to wait for over a year for our fandom to finally get some relief from the horribleness of the break up. So, in the meantime, well...

Happy Halloween! And Happy Reading! I hope you enjoy it.

XxXxXxXxXx

"...Remember when I moved in you? And the holy dove was moving too? And every breath we drew was Hallelujah?..."

(Leonard Cohen, "Hallelujah")

He couldn't deny it. This year was going to be different. Years ago, when it was all still so fresh and raw, he could avoid thinking about it by burying himself in a heap of nameless pretty faces, with gallons of alcohol to distract him.

And, in those early days, when the parties would finally end, and the women were sent home, it was always just she and him together- alone in that house.

Her eyes would watch him, as if she were waiting on the edge of a knife, in the chance he would finally let himself unravel and break apart so she could be right there to help put him back together. She'd told him she'd stay there all night if she needed to, even when he'd tried to mask over the moment, and shoo her out the door. "You don't have to try to be brave, you know. People are allowed to hurt when they're grieving, Tony," she'd tell him. "There's no shame in any of it. So let yourself off the hook for once." But despite her encouragement, he never surrendered to his emotions. His pride wouldn't allow it. So instead, he'd just go quiet, muttering something about not really caring if she stayed or left (even though he was always relieved when she'd chose to stay), and plunk down heavily on the living room sofa.

Pepper would come to sit with him, though at the other end. And silence would soon sit in between them. But she'd continue to watch him out of the corner of her eye. And wait.

However, he'd always continue to refuse to let himself succumb. So, instead, he would close his eyes, and let out a long, laborious sigh as he'd lie down with his head in her lap. Done without asking her, but with the assumption she'd welcome it. After all, it was she that had chosen to stay and be of comfort to him. And Pepper never objected. Instead, the delicate touch of her fingers would begin to wind gentle paths through his hair- something she secretly knew he loved. As he would eventually drift off to sleep, the affection breaking the boss/employee barrier, and crossing into what they'd always known was there, but had never openly acknowledged- a deeply-rooted, protective love for one another.

That was the difference between then and now. She wasn't there this time. And she wasn't going to be there, either. So, he was left to navigate the memory of this day's events in all of their brutal reality. Alone. And in this head-space that he'd only just recently come into, he wasn't who he used to be, he knew that for sure. But he also knew he wasn't just yet what he needed to become.

All of that week prior, he'd fought hard to stay occupied. He'd started a million different meaningless projects, all in the name of keeping his mind busy, only to stall out quickly after. And on and on it had gone, an exercise in futility, until he realized the pattern and gave up all together, relegating himself to his private quarters to spend hours staring out the window at the December snow piled outside the compound. A whiskey tumbler was always in his hand, and kept full, a desperate effort in trying to numb this overwhelmingly raw loneliness that covered his whole body like heavy black pitch. However, the alcohol was utterly failing to do its job. And, truthfully, he found that to be a very scary reality. So NOW what am I supposed to do?, he wondered, the frightening prospect that his subconscious might suddenly decide to answer that question at some point always looming over him.

He hadn't drank like this in years. He hadn't wanted to. Pepper had helped him to kick the need for it, her love essentially replacing one high for another, if he was being honest. Though the light she'd brought into his life far surpassed any other method of attaining euphoria he'd ever experienced, which he was endlessly grateful for. But, as flimsy of an excuse as it was, without that light, alcohol was now his last line of defense against the impending darkness. So it was easy to imagine his disappointment when it proved to do nothing to ease the feeling of hurt piled on top of hurt. It only served to make his limbs feel lead-laden, causing him to collapse into the chair by the window, the ache as raw as ever.

He hadn't bothered to ask why it wasn't working. You know why, he thought. What have you got to live for? Everything you've ever had, ever LOVED is gone. Destroyed. And for what? The world is as treacherous of a place as it ever was, if not worse. So all of your blood, sweat, and tears? All of your sacrifice? It was for nothing. You've lost any friends you ever had. You've lost Pepper. You've officially lost the war, Stark. You've got NOTHING.

Tony chuckled bitterly to himself, and took another pull off his glass. "Maybe I should just do myself a favor, and end it already," he heard himself mutter. Then, slowly, his chuckling stopped. He then frowned at the foreign-sounding words that had come out of his mouth, and the thought of what he was actually saying. Out loud.

"End it," he said again, the finality of the statement seeping into his bones. He blinked, startled again by their meaning, in disbelief that his mind had, in fact, finally high-jacked his logic and dared to go to this dark place.

"No," he refused, emphatically shaking his head. "I'm not a quitter. I won't give up like that. That would just be..." but his voice trailed off.

He glared at the floor in front of him as he worked his jaw in thought.

You DID once say you couldn't live without her, his subconscious argued. Yet here you are. That makes you a LIAR.

"Don't put that on me," Tony muttered to himself. "I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't leave her like..."

Like what? Like she's left YOU? Face it. Those words meant NOTHING to her. So why would she care if you lived or died, NOW?

"She would. She does. Pepper isn't like that. She might hate me right now. But I know, someday, she'll see that I'm..."

SOME-day?! Oh, how pathetic are YOU? You're really gonna wait for 'someday'?!, the voice in his mind retorted.

"Damn it! Stop!" Tony huffed at himself angrily. He closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to silence his mind. He gritted his teeth as hot tears flooded his eyes, which made him squeeze the lids closed even more in an attempt to force the emotion back. His chest heaved, and he sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He set his glass down, and put his head in his hands, trying to soothe the searing ache that began in his chest, and coursed savagely through his body. "Come on, man. Sack up," he scolded. Then he sharply raised his head, trying desperately to catch his breath. "I don't need Pepper as much as I think I do. I'm better on my own. I'm fine. I'll be fine," he muttered, scrubbing a hand over his face. He nodded trying to further convince himself of the notion, but his chin began to quiver defiantly.

"Jesus, get a grip on yourself. What're you doing?" he demanded. In an attempt to divert his attention, he let his eyes glance around the room, landing slowly, methodically on each object. He'd taken up residency here, at the compound, since he and Pepper had separated. His private quarters were devoid of her influence in décor. And, at the moment, he was grateful for it. The last thing he needed was to be surrounded by objects in a room that would only serve as constant reminders of her. It was a petty thing to be concerned about, he knew, but he didn't care. In a struggle to maintain his sanity, every little bit helped. He would take his comfort where he could get it.

It occurred to him that he had succeeded in quieting the argument taking place in his mind for the moment, and he took a deep breath. He sank back against the chair, and closed his eyes, focusing on the sound of the air entering and leaving his lungs. Then he opened his eyes, and looked around. The light in the room had changed, and suddenly he realized it was quickly becoming evening.

"Sir?" FRIDAY said, her voice breaking the silence around him. Tony's eyes flicked upwards, but he stayed silent.

The AI continued. "Your vital signs are indicating distress. Are you alright?" she asked.

"Fine, FRIDAY. Just blowing off a little anxiety. Leave me alone, alright?" Tony answered defensively.

"Yes, Sir," she answered. "Also, it is approaching the dinner hour. Shall I order..."

"No," Tony said sternly. "Leave me alone means leaves me alone. Got it?"

"Got it. Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Stark."

Tony heard a muted beep, the sound of FRIDAY going offline for the night, and he lumbered to sit forward again. He let out a loud groan, and scrubbed his face with his hands one more time before slowly rising to trudge into his bedroom. He grabbed his nearly emptied glass, pausing to down the rest of what was in it, and then stopped at the sink in the kitchenette to deposit it before continuing on his way.

Once he reached his bedroom doorway, he toed off his shoes, quickly shucked off his pants, kicking them to the side, and yanked his outer shirt up and over his head, flinging it carelessly across the room. Clad only in his tank-top undershirt, boxer briefs, and socks, he proceeded to crawl into bed on all fours before collapsing onto his stomach. Then he grabbed his pillow and pulled it to his chest. He let out another long, laborious breath, and closed his eyes. No point in staying awake, he thought. The best I can hope for is to sleep the rest of this day off.

XxXxXxXx

A soft knock came at the door, and Tony stirred in his sleep, unsure if he'd heard anything at all.

"Tony?" he soon heard someone say on the other side of it. Instantly his eyes popped open, and his mind cleared, his heart leaping at the familiarity of the voice- so tender and sweet sounding- that he instantly smiled.

Pepper!, his groggy mind thought.

He felt the weight of his despair instantly lift off of his body as he briskly climbed out of bed and marched toward the door. He twisted the knob, and yanked open the door. As sure as he was alive and breathing, there in front of him stood his long lost love.

"Pepper," he whispered in confirmation, exhaling slowly in relief as he spoke. Her crystal-clear, ocean-colored eyes looked back at him, as warm and loving as ever.

"Yes," she said, beeming in affirmation, her face practically glowing. "I'm here! I made it. And I'm here!"

"I knew you would be," he said, reaching for her, and pulling her into his arms. "I knew I wouldn't have to be alone, baby. Not today."

"No, not today," she repeated. He felt her arms wrap around his neck and pull him close, and he squeezed his eyes shut at the blissful sensation.

Back in my arms!, he thought. Where you're supposed to be!

She pulled back to look at him after a moment, and smiled at him again, simultaneously raising a hand to lovingly stroke his cheek. Briefly, the flutter in his chest from the feeling of her touch made his eyes close, unable to help relishing it.

This is REAL. She's REALLY HERE, he thought. I don't have to hurt anymore!

He opened his eyes again, smiling once more at his love. "Stay," he urged. "Tell me you're going to stay."

"Shhhhhhh," she said again. But before he had the chance to argue, her lips were on his, and he immediately relented. Everything he could remember about her kiss came flooding back, and he was helpless against it- the taste of her mouth, the feel of her lips on his, the warm, sweet scent of her skin. It was as if she'd never left. It was as if, for all of that time they'd been apart, he'd been imprisoned in the hell of his own heartache, and she'd suddenly come to set him free.

Slowly, Pepper broke the kiss, and Tony opened his eyes to look at her, his gaze pleading with her to agree she could never leave. They BELONGED here now. Together. In this place. He knew it with every fiber of his being. And for the life of him, he couldn't remember the reasons why it COULDN'T be that way.

"Pepper, I can't lose you. Not again. You can't leave me. I need you. PLEASE...I..." he began again, but she stopped him by gently laying her fingertips on his lips. He stopping talking, obliging, but he frowned at her in confusion.

"I can't stay for long. You KNOW this," she told him softly. But, on the contrary, she grasped his hand, and began leading him to the bed.

Tony shook his head. "No. I DON'T," he argued, as they walked. "You can't leave me like this, Pepper. PLEASE stay. For good. I need you. I can't do this anymore. I can't LIVE without you."

Pepper turned them so that Tony was facing her, his back to the edge of the mattress. And with a gentle nudge to the chest, and a slight smirk, she pushed him downward to sit on the edge of it.

He did as she'd urged him to do, but looked up at her with a frown. "Pep?" he said. "Did you hear what I said? I need you, baby. I can't live like this any more," he pleaded once more.

Pepper just gave him a sorrowful smile. "I heard you," she told him. "And my answer is...Pre-CISELY," she murmured.

He watched as she proceeded to straddle his lap. She then laid her hands on his chest, and gently pushed him backwards, so as to lay him on his back. Tony allowed this, staying quiet, waiting for what would happen next.

But then, Pepper placed her hand at his neck, over his windpipe. And slowly, methodically, she began to squeeze.

His eyes instantly went wide, and his hands raced to his throat to try to pry hers away. "Pep? Pepper?! What're you doing? What is this? What're you doing?" he asked, going from confusion to terror as she placed her other hand just over the first. Then she leaned over the top of him, putting all of her weight on his throat, fully cutting off his air supply.

He began to gasp for air, and he tried furiously to fight her, finding it surprisingly impossible to shift her weight, or her grasp, even the tiniest bit. But Pepper kept her pressure steady, her eyes darkened and sad with her now obvious intended purpose.

"You said it yourself, Tony," she reminded him. "You can't live without me. So I'm not going to make you."

He gripped both her wrists now, clawing wildly at her skin. He kicked and squirmed, trying desperately to free himself from her grasp to no avail. "D-don't...I don't w-want to..." he begged, his voice choked.

"Shhhhhhh, quiet now," Pepper urged, leaning father down over him so they were more face to face, while increasing the pressure on his esophagus. His vision began to blur, and he blinked rapidly, coughing and gagging. His heart thundered in his ears, and his lungs burned with deprivation.

But she continued, as if she were made of stone, choking his life away, millisecond by millisecond. "It really is better this way," she said, her voice weak and soaked with despair. "Don't you see, Tony? This has to be. You can't live like this. You said so yourself."

He stared at her, his eyes frantic, not believing that the love of his life could be so heartlessly malicious. "P-please, Pep..." he gasped with his last breath, his strength completely sapped. "P-please."

"Sleep, Tony. Just sleep. I'm saving you from all of this. It'll all be over soon," he heard her whisper to him, before his vision blurred to complete darkness, and his body gave out...

XxXxXxXxXx

Tony suddenly jerked awake, instantly jolting upright as he choked for breath. He violently gasped and coughed, his body racked each time as he fought to fill his lungs, each breath assuring him Pepper hadn't succeeded. Then, a sharp stab gripped his heart, and he grunted loudly as he vigorously began rubbing his breast bone, squeezing his eyes shut from the intense pain.

"Sir?! It's appears you're in severe cardiac and respiratory distress! I'm calling the paramedics!" FRIDAY frantically announced. But Tony, unable to yet speak, just waved her away in dismissal. He fell back against his mattress, and inhaled deeply a few times, sucking air in and out through his mouth, as the pain subsided.

"No, Friday!" he finally barked, his voice hoarse. "Don't! I'm fine. I'll be fine."

"But, Sir!" FRIDAY urged. "You could be..."

"I'm not..."

"But you could be..." the AI urged.

"Fine!" Tony, throwing his hands up in defeat. "Do a GOD DAMNED vitals scan, FRIDAY! Tell me I'm DYING! I'm begging you!"

A few seconds of silence filled the air before she replied.

"Beginning scan," she finally said flatly.

Tony watched as the infrared light passed slowly over his body. When it had completed it path from the top of his head down to the tip of his toes, and back up again, he raised his eyes expectantly toward the ceiling and huffed. "Well?!" he demanded.

"All bodily systems are in perfect working order, Sir," she informed him. "Everything is normal."

"So, I'm not dying?" Tony goaded dryly. "Good to know."

"Sir," FRIDAY said, her voice pleading. "You may not be dying. But you're not well, either. I think you know this."

Tony had started batting his pillow back into shape as Friday spoke. But he immediately stopped, his face pained with the reality of her words.

He worked his jaw in thought for a moment.

FRIDAY went on. "And I think you also know what would make you feel better, too," she wagered.

Tony scoffed with a snide smile, and then crudely yanked the blanket covering his bed over the top of him. "Ah, ah, ah! You almost had me for a second there!" he said, waggling a finger in the air. "But I've tried that already. You know this. And you also know she doesn't want to talk to me. So, now it's time to say good night, Friday," he sneered. "So good night, Friday."

An audible frustrated sigh could be heard in the intercom system in response. "Good night, Sir," the AI replied in defeat. Once again, the muted beep signifying her going off line sounded.

And Tony was, once more, alone.

Soon, however, he felt the familiar ache of misery seep into his bones, and hot tears involuntarily began to well in his eyes once more. Again, he slammed them shut in an attempt to fight them off, and brought the back of his hand to his lips, trying to get control of his composure.

"Why," he murmured, after a moment. "Why did I have to dream...she'd never..." He couldn't bring himself to name the horrific act Pepper had tried to carry out in his nightmare. He swallowed hard, and shook his head in disbelief at what evil his subconscious had conjured up. "Please!" he begged in a raspy whisper. Then raised his gaze to the heavens. "No more. I'm done. I don't want to hurt over her anymore. I quit," he said, not really sure who, or what, he was talking to. Just that he wanted it to be known in the universe that, he, Tony Stark, was surrendering.

It's about time. Really. You're miserable. Look at you. Back to being alone and pathetic. Some things never change.

"Don't," Tony warned. "Come on. Cut me some slack. I'm doing the best I can."

Has that EVER been enough?, his mind challenged.

Tony narrowed his eyes. The silence of the room hummed in his ears, begging for him to utter something to break it. But, instead, he pursed his lips in refusal.

However, unsatisfied, his subconscious continued to hammer him. What're you gonna do now? You're sick of the taste of Scotch. You can't stand the thought of sleeping with another woman. All you want is HER. All you want is...

"Peace," Tony muttered, his own voice echoing in his ears. "Just one moment's peace."

Tony hadn't felt a sense of peace in years. The last time he could remember feeling any was when Pepper had moved in. He recalled the first night she'd spent at the mansion as his official live-in girlfriend, and how happy and hopeful they'd been. She'd moved in on a Friday, and they'd spent the whole subsequent weekend celebrating- drinking wine, laughing, making love, and soaking in every blissful millisecond they could together. It seemed they'd successfully created their own private sanctuary, safe from the doom and gloom of the world outside, where there seemed to be only love and promise ahead for them.

But the truth was, his and Pepper's separation now seemed inevitable to him. All of the signs had been there. Their lives had soon spiraled away from each other. And the time they did spend together usually ended with them arguing, and sleeping separately. Not to mention his creation of Ultron being the final straw for her. Let alone, the fact that he felt so bound by the duties of being Iron Man, that, despite his own adamant denial, it became plain that there wasn't room in his life for her any longer.

"It was so meant to be. How did we get it so wrong?" Tony muttered. He closed his eyes, trying to comfort to his ravaged soul in some way, with some memory that wasn't contaminated by recent events.

The way they gazed at each other, when he moved in her, as if they were the only two people left on the planet. As if the entire world had fallen away, and it was just the two of them, left to love, to live in full completeness, in tandem, their skin, their minds, their hearts, the breath in their lungs becoming one, so much so that the if one heart were to instantly stop beating, surely so would the other.

Her eyes seemed to gaze past the exterior and into his consciousness, into his very core to where the essence of his existence had laid buried for so long, uncovered only by her love and acceptance, that it was as though she held him now in the palm of her hand- he being hers to protect. And she, his.

In truth, the comfort he'd found from the well of reminiscence had run dry long before now. His mind was exhausted with the exercise of trying to replay their most tender moments, as he knew once they ended, he'd just find himself alone again. And that meant having to painfully come down from the high, as the faint whispers of her voice, the warm, sweet scent of her skin, and the decadent taste of her kiss, flitted away into the ether.

"Still. She's got to know what day this is," he reasoned. Is it true? Does she honestly not care anymore?, he thought. The idea made his blood run cold. If she didn't care, then...

Maybe you shouldn't either, his mind told him. Maybe this is the end of the line for you. You've done your part. You've paid your price. And it wasn't enough. Time to let it all go.

Tony snorted, scoffing. "Oh, really?" he asked snidely. "You really think I've got the balls to go through with something like that?"

When have you ever backed down from a challenge?, his mind argued.